Does A Cheater Ever Accept Responsibility.....

827Aug · 06-27-2009, 09:45 PM

Does a cheater ever accept responsibility for their actions? Just a curious question. Although my marriage is over, the stbx and I still have to work together. And some days that isn't without an argument. Today's argument was over this very topic. The stbx was blaming me for making him cheat. After a year of individual counseling, I wasn't going to listen to that line anymore. The counselor has now ingrained it in my head that a cheater does that because THEY WANT TO DO IT. So, for some of you cheaters out there, do you blame someone for making you cheat or do you accept responsibility? If you now accept responsibility, how long did it take you to do so?

I personally know of one man who cheated on his first wife many years ago (that accepts full responsibility). He has talked to me a great deal about it. He said he lived in a very dark world until he stopped blaming the ex-wife for his actions. It took him five years after his divorce to realize what he had done. He then went to her and apologized for what he did to her and their child. He said that only then did things improve for him. It still deeply bothers him; he really comes down hard on cheaters now. He doesn't mind lecturing them!

I guess in my mind I'm just seeking an apology so that I may have closure. I'm just tired of being blamed.

Rhea · 06-27-2009, 10:52 PM

I'm curious on this one too...

in_need_of_help · 06-27-2009, 11:01 PM

im curious too? My H is blaming me for his unhappiness that he has had for a couple yrs now. I thought everything was fine. Do they ever stop the blame game and take responsibilty for destroying their family? Please let me know when anyone figures that one out. I am sitting here in a hotel room lonely and miserable. I dont know what my next step should be.

dcrim · 06-28-2009, 05:02 AM

It's so much easier to blame someone else for one's actions! That way, they don't have to accept responsibility for what they do/have done.

Bottom line, THEY did it...not you. So many people don't recognize their own responsibility for their actions...sigh...

agatha · 06-28-2009, 10:09 AM

Some does. My hubby accepts and blames himself for his infidelity of 2 mos with a hooker. This is my story. I was pregnant then amd deprived him of any forms of sex. I told him to get it elsewhere and I will evengive him a budget for that. He took it seriously ( I am too but for a one time only) that it took 6 -7 weeks (he cant recall). Every week they meet. And I found out aftr 2 mos of their. 1st encounter tru text. I was really going to leave him after that but he begs for another chance. He said he thought it was ok to me. I said yes but only once so you would experiencehaving sex with a prostitute but not many times and every weekends. And the flirting on text while we are at his side thats too much. You are really cheating on me you know that in your heart I said. He said its a miscommunication. Then I asked him how could he do that to me? Is there something wrong with me? He said that he knows what he did was wrong and all he is to blame and what he did is stupid that he is just soooo stupid. He doest know that it would cost his family. He asked me to stay even for the kids sake so I said yes for the kids. He is working right now to gain my trust amd bring back the love i have for him. He would never do it again in his lifetime even if I give him permission and I am the only woman in his heart and his life is his family. It is not in his nature to cheat so I was really shocked but eventhough its partly my fault why he did that he never blames me for it. He is very responsible man. Like an ideal man, husband & father. Now we are working to ease my pain. He gives me all the emotional support to move on. We have two kids. And family is his priority. I am 34 & heis 35. He recognized his stupidity/fault bec he loves me and he diesnt want to lose us his family. We have been arguing for two momths bec I still cant let go and its still hurting me but he is always there accepting his fault amd asking for forgiveness. And until now that we are so much ok he is thanking me for staying, loving him and for forgiving him. I hope this help you in some other ways. I am sorry for ypur marriage. It really hurts but be strong and pray. Do not blame yourself. I hope I can say more but I am only using my cp in typing this so its hard for me to type.

Mommybean · 06-29-2009, 07:34 AM

Some do, some don't. My H has never blamed me for his actions. Therapy and a lot of soul searching is helping him learn his triggers and though we do not dwell on what occured, I know that he has a great deal of remorse for his actions. It has also helped me to learn how to deal with him when he gets stressed, or depressed....since these are his two hardest areas with coping skills.
If someone can't accept responsibility for their own actions, and continue to blame you, you're not going to get the closure you want from them. It's just not going to happen.

Cooper · 06-29-2009, 10:13 AM

When I started accusing my now ex of cheating she of coarse denied everything, this went on for a year. Once I had proof she admitted I had known all along but she cheated because I didn't show her the love and respect she needed, (her story). Now she is back to denying she ever cheated during our marriage and telling everyone she just couldn't live with someone who didn't respect her. The repercussions of her actions have affected many, many people, but she just doesn't care. She now has a little heart pillow hanging from the mirror in her car with the words "It's all about me" embroided on it. Selfish and proud of it I guess.

Cooper

Sandy55 · 06-29-2009, 10:35 AM

I think cheating is all about tolerance levels and maturity.

Deejo · 06-29-2009, 10:54 AM

The big answer is, "it depends."

Assuming responsibility usually requires the lens of history. Very few people that I know, are completely open to taking ownership of their flaws and poor judgment.

Time makes you look at things differently - and how those circumstances play out over time will have an impact.

A friend of mine married his mistress. He never even knew that his first wife was aware of his infidelity. She and my wife remained friends. He was content in his first marriage, his wife at the time was not. Her discontent impacted the marriage and led to his affair. The affair eventually led to his second marriage and although not perfect - they have been together for over 10 years. He would never take ownership of something that he didn't perceive as his fault in the first place.

I have a female friend whose husbands' porn addiction led to her filing for divorce. Everyone blamed herfor the marriage tanking, including the husband. Three years after divorcing, he apologized for the circumstances - but still thinks that she overreacted and that he doesn't have an addiction.

I guess what I'm saying is, that even when someone chooses to take responsibility for their actions, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will have a feeling of vindication or satisfaction.

stillINshock · 06-29-2009, 05:23 PM

Seems like a Murphy's Law...The more we need them to apologize and take responsibility, the less they are likely to do it. But, when we're not looking for it, it can just surprise you - out of the blue. Just last night there was an incident - seemingly unrelated. But something in that moment hit my H like a ton a bricks and he held me with tears in his eyes. He didn't say it with his words, but even for me, he said it in a deeper way then he has - ever. And I wasn't asking. I was just there to receive it.

java · 07-09-2009, 11:16 AM

A lot of people in this forum say that someone steps outside of the marriage because something is amiss inside the marriage. If the person cheating isnt getting what they need emotionally/physically from their spouse and they have confronted the spouse time and time again....I can see where they would blame their spouse. STILL, they make their own individual choices to cheat and step outside the marriage to get whatever is lacking. They choose to cheat...no one forces them to take that action.

He can blame you for making him cheat by not providing what he needed...but you aren't to blame for the actions he took to step outside the marriage. Of course if he doesn't tell you he isn't getting what he needs from you and he steps out then it's really all his fault isn't it?

Hope this makes sense....

1nurse · 07-09-2009, 04:43 PM

I asked this question of my therapist. She told me that my ex would never take responsibility for the EA he had as that would encompass him to feel feelings he doesn't want to feel. Including sadness, remorse, guilt and anger. Easier to project those feelings onto someone or something else. Makes a lot of sense to me now.

827Aug · 07-09-2009, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cooper

She now has a little heart pillow hanging from the mirror in her car with the words "It's all about me" embroided on it. Selfish and proud of it I guess.

That's the very attitude I'm seeing! I hate it!!! Perhaps this is part of the character flaw.

827Aug · 07-09-2009, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1nurse

I asked this question of my therapist. She told me that my ex would never take responsibility for the EA he had as that would encompass him to feel feelings he doesn't want to feel. Including sadness, remorse, guilt and anger. Easier to project those feelings onto someone or something else. Makes a lot of sense to me now.

That does make a lot of sense; and I have also been told that on several occasions. I have also been told he will eventually be remorseful. I'm just wondering if there is a natural progression of "steps" when dealing with a cheater. And also the time frame. In my friend's case, the remorse really hit hard at five years. Is that about average?

1nurse · 07-11-2009, 08:26 PM

I guess if and when my ex is ever remorseful I probably won't give a rat's a$$. I would be shocked though he does have the "the world owe's me something and revolves around me!" attitude. What a loser!!