Very few secrets like these make it 40 years. The longer you wait, the longer you have lied to her and the madder she will be, because when she finds out, she will say: "Our whole life has been one big lie..."
You need to tell her before you have sex with your wife again.
Why? Because it will make you a better person in her eyes, better than if you had sex with her without her knowing what you've done. You must tell her and be totally honest. Don't do it sitting on your bed either, do it outside somewhere, not in your house.
You have to tell her because it is the right thing to do.
Why is it the right thing to do?
When you have done something WRONG to someone you care about, and there is even a REMOTE chance ANYONE else could tell her you must insure she is not blind-sided.
You need to give your wife the ability to save face for herself and for you in the terrible event she hears it from someone other than you.
It is also the right thing to do because the truth will set you free. It always does. It may not feel like it in the moment, but it will.
Be a man about it, she will respect you more than some coward hiding behind your fear.
She is going to be very hurt because it is her sister. Then, on the other hand if her sister is a bit of a trashcan anyway...who knows? How old was her sister, younger or older?
Her sister is younger. They are very close. They way she is acting since then as her normal happy go-lucky self tells me she remembers nothing. Even though her sister is equally as responsible as me, I hate the idea of hurting their relationship. I've been good (and strictly plutonic) friends with her sister over the years too, she is good girl. Well, I guess good 99.9% of the time, like me. It's that damn 0.1% that's killing me.
Seems like their is a strong divide on the advice, with men typically saying don't tell, and women saying tell. Seems like since my wife is a woman I probably lean towards the advice of women.
I need to talk to my sister-in-law and see what she remembers and how she wants to handle this, since it will dramatically impact her as well. This would be alot simpler if the other woman in this equation was anybody but her sister, this makes it much more hurtful and impossible to escape over time.
Just a few side musings, I'm horrible at keeping secrets from my wife. I've never kept one from her. I hate the very idea of it. I've never done anything remotely like this before.
Thinking about it, I think I was arrogant in that I thought I was above temptation. I put myself in a situation I shouldn't have been in. I figured since I had been through the pain of cheating there was no way under any circumstances I would do such a thing.
Would it not be interesting if you told your wife and did NOT discuss this with her sister before you told the wife and then when the sister is approached by your wife, the sister says something like:
"What, have you lost your MIND!, you must be dreaming...!" and bursts out laughing? This IS what I would do, if I truly didn't remember a thing and my sister asked me about MY brother in law doing what you did!
Obviously you have already spoken with the sister, you said "she doesn't remember a thing....". How do you know she knows nothing?
I also don't think you should have ANY more conversations with your sister in law, until you have talked to your wife! Heck NO. That makes you look like a conspirator.
In fact it would work to your advantage to not speak with SIL, and to tell your wife you think perhaps her sister was so drunk you don't KNOW if and what she was aware and you are not sure exactly what went on - but you must be truthful.
You must go to your wife asking for HELP in solving this stupid drunk episode, not go talk with SIL. You must do nothing that appears you are pairing up with SIL, you and wife are the PAIR, SIL is outsider.
Ask your wife if she feels you and she need to speak with her sister and find out if sister is "ok" since YOU overstepped your bounds...she has to protect her sister from your stupid move on her....
Wow you really got yourself in to a situation here. I'm not sure what to say. Normally I would say you have to be honest and tell her but will that hurt her worse here. Probably. Although I think that this may come out one day then she will wonder why you didn't come out an tell her. Is your SIL married? If so what happens if the guilt eats and her and she tells. How do you know she doesn't remember? You two most have spoken. I think she will probably end up telling her sister when the guilt gets to her.
This would be alot simpler if the other woman in this equation was anybody but her sister, this makes it much more hurtful and impossible to escape over time.[/QUOTE]
This will NEVER escape you or your wife. What if it where all switched around and she had sex with your closest brother. Do you think you would be able to handle it if she told you. Or worse what if you found out ! What would hurt you more???
The truth will set you free but Its going to hurt everyone.
Confess today and start the healing process now before it is to late. I am also a male.
I think that it is important to remember, above all, that you are not here to evaluate which decision will hurt her more and which one less. You already made the decision that hurt her the most, and whether or not you tell her is based on how brave and honorable you are as an individual. Those who say that telling her will only hurt her are lying to themselves, and to you; it will hurt you, too, hurt even more than the guilt, if possible.
But if you value your marriage and the vows you made, it is the right thing to do. You sound like a pretty upstanding guy (present dilemma aside), so taking responsibility for your actions at this point is the next step. I think Sandy explained it best, and I am sorry that you find yourself in such a terrible situation.
I am curious where your wife was during all of this?
I agree, telling her would hurt her very badly and ruin the trust she has for you. Accept the fact that the SIL doens't remember (or maybe she is saving face here by saying she doesn't remember) and keep it to yourself. If your wife is an angel and you love her that much ask God for forgiveness and move on. Find a way to put yourself at peace but don't hurt your wife doing it.
Also, don't do it again. Avoid drinking with the SIL again..bc if you did it once the opportunity could arise to be there again and it would be easier to make another painful mistake. Good luck.
I don't know......if her sister has no memory or knowledge, I tend to think keep quiet. Not only is this going to ruin her marriage, but her relationship with her sister. Depending on how you brought it up to her sister, and how you know she has no memory.....dangerous ground....but I believe all you are trying to do is ease your guilt.
Hmm...I don't buy the "I don't remember a thing" from the sister...I've been wasted many a time...and although I may not remember as soon as I wake up...things do come back. Leaving it at that could all come back to bite you in the a$$ in the future...I'd let it be known. Fact of the matter is you did it, the SIL claiming she doesn't remember doesn't erase the fact that it happened...trust me you're better off to get it out now rather then it slip out later. JMO.
__________________
"Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind, from the day we met to the very last night, and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days, the best days of your life..."
Telling your wife would be a mess. She would be so hurt. You mad a stupid mistake and whatever you do don't blame it on the alcohol. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart. Get your heart right and stay away from lust of any woman. Tell God you are sorry and confess your sin and he will begin to heal your spirit. You need to keep your sexual feelings in check drunk or not.
Re: I screwed up royally - what do I do?
