OK, Here's my situation. My sister in-law and I had WAY too much to drink and ended up hooking up. She moved in to kiss me, I offered no resistance. We did not go all the way but I'm pretty sure we made it to third base (if I remember the bases correctly). We were so drunk that I barely remember anything (a few flashes) and my sister-in-law remembers NOTHING.
I am happily married and have the perfect wife. My wife and her sister are very close friends. Her sister would NEVER want to do something like this. I would NEVER want to do something like this. I've been cheated on in a prior relationship, I've experienced the pain and devastation firsthand. I wouldn't wish the pain on my worst enemy.
I'd like to just forget the 5 seconds I remember (literally), never ever put myself in that situation again, treat my wife like the angel she is, and move on. But the guilt is killing me. I've barely eaten for three days.
I struggle with what's best for our marriage. I would say that honesty is the most important thing here, but there is a part of me that thinks that me telling her would not be to open about it, but to release my guilt. I deserve every bit of the pain I'm going through, she doesn't deserve the pain she would go through. Even if I tell her, I don't even know how to start, since her sister does not even remember the night. I'm embarrased, mad (at myself), sad, nauseous, and don't really know what to do.
okay...first...no more alcohol...it lowers inhibitions, which leads to another drink, which eventually leads to stupid behavior...
second...tell your wife of the stupid behavior...tell her your commitment is to her and alcohol will no longer be a part of your life. the end, no excuses, no variances.
as her to please respect your decision.
pray every day. admit that you can't control yourself. because you can't. things wil get easier and easier. about a year down the road you won't recognize the guy you are today.
good luck. God loves you. He will be so much a part of your rehabilitation. i promise.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Telling her would be even more stupid than what you did...you said it best, it would ease your guilt...but place it squarely on your wife's shoulders...and that's not the smartest thing to do.
You need to talk to your SIL and make sure she doesn't blab her over eager mouth either.
I seem to disagree with most everyone on here when I say keep your mouth shut but it doesn't help anything, it makes it worse.
I don't want to blame alcohol but I will say that it really does lower my inhibitions. The last time I was that drunk was many, many years ago. My SIL doesn't remember anything past 10 PM that night. I highly highly doubt she even knows we did anything at all.
I'm praying every day for forgiveness and to know what I should do.
I don't see the good in telling her, IF it was as you say it was. It would be best to not drink, and also to avoid any instances where you and the SIL are alone. It's best to simply avoid any situation that could have the potential for you doing something stupid again. You deserve every ounce of guilt you are feeling, she does not deserve the pain.
You were sober before you started drinking right? Don't blame the alcohol here. You screwed up and admitted it. At least to us. You should tell her. This will come up later, I can guarantee it. Do you want to take the chance of that and have her be furious at you with keeping this from her for so long?? If you think you can do that you're fooling yourself. Your SIL will get pissed off at you sometime down the road and tell her, you'll get drunk again and tell her out of guilt. She WILL find out. Thank goodness you two didn't have sex. At least you have that to work with. You'll feel better about yourself if she knows. Take your lumps. If she truly is an "angel" as you say she will respect you for telling the truth in the end regardless of her anger initially. I would be upset but respect you and our relationship for the honesty. Just don't let this or anything like it happen again. Once is bad enough but the second time I'd be out the door. Good Luck.
How did you approach your SIL about her memory of the evening?
Did you ask her if we fooled around? Or did you say, we fooled around and it was a mistake?
She is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.
The truth has a nasty habit of coming out whether or not you get to stage manage it.
At this point you have to stop drinking--agreed.
How is it that you, who never gets that drunk, manages to get that drunk for the first time in many years and it is when you are with your SIL and your wife is not there?
Seems like a deliberate thing to me.
Pointing to the drink and saying it is what made yo do it sidesteps responsibility for your own actions.
If you were to be honest with yourself you'd admit to having had an attraction to her sister. Mutual? Not sure.
You have a lot more to think about than whether or not your SIL remembers, you quit drinking, should you tell your wife.
Like I said, your SIL is a time bomb waiting to explode.
If she gets a case of the guilties and finally tells her sister, and frames it in "your pig husband came onto me", then look out. Your world will crumble.
If she gets that case of the guilties and just does the "I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah." you are still screwed.
Drinking lowers inhibitions but does not plant the idea of wanting to fool around in your mind. It was already there.
Well no matter what you do your wife is going to suffer. You tell her and well you KNOW what that feels like. You don't tell her and she finds out, your ass is nailed to the wall. You can't just blame alcohol guy. If you dont remember how do you know you didnt have sex??? 3rd base BUT NO SEX??? Get tested for stds.
Her sister will tell her eventually. Fess up and get ready to deal with the hardest thing in your life. Everyone deserves one chance to redeem themselves if they are true and sincere.
I hope you both heal.
Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm not trying to dodge or deflect responsibility - it lies squarely on my shoulders. At this point I'm only trying to do what is right and best for our marriage.
Dont tell her and I'll tell you why: She will want to cut off all communication with her sister and that will be more devistating than just knowing her husband has failed her.
Thats the first advise everyone gets on this site "end all contact with the OW" and unfortunatly in your case that is not an option. This will screw your wife family relationships for the rest of her life if she finds out.
I dont think your SIL would tell even if she remembers, frankly if she does this kind of thing when shes drunk it probly happens pretty often and she wont remember that you spicifically were part of one of her trists. I doubt she wants her sister to know shes "that kind of girl"
If the guilt is too much and interferes with your life then talk to a counselor, or jsut read thru some of the other stories on this site. There are people with stories that may give you some perspective on how bad things really could be.
I agree with the other posters that say the truth has a way of getting out. Us women have a way of sensing when something is not right. Do you really think she has not noticed your lack of appetite for the past 3 days? When my husband was cheating, I didn't have a clue in the world. I knew something wasn't right, but I had no idea that was it. When I finally found out the truth...more than anything I had wished he had just fessed up so we could deal with it. Your best approach is probably to say how absolutely stupid you were, and that you will never again allow alcohol to affect your life again. Vow to give it up, as it was a least partially to blame. Next, never allow yourself to be alone with her sister again. Third, to help save their relationship, suggest that you not involve her (the sister) at all since she has no memory of it. If she ever brings it up, you can deal with that when it happens.
__________________
One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
I screwed up royally - what do I do?
Re: I screwed up royally - what do I do?
