I have been married almost 20 years, with 3 boys, one who has a birth defect that has at times tested our marriage due to the stress that it has caused.
After being married two years, I felt that my husband was withdrawing from me and I discussed it with him. He said nothing was wrong and I just waited for him to get out of his 'cave' (ie from Men are from Venus, women are from Mars or vice-versa). In the meantime, I met a man at work and was so attracted to him (he was married also)...to my dismay, we did become intimate but I broke it off after realizing what I was doing and realizing that I really DID love my husband. I never told my husband about it.
I desperately wanted to have children and after 18 months of trying, we had our first child. I felt he was not that involved in my pregnancy and didn't seem too interested in the whole thing. We had another child 20 months after the first and throughout this time I felt he getting distant from me again and again and again I asked him what was wrong and told him he HAD to stop withdrawing from me. He insisted nothing was wrong and after a while he seemed to be okay again. It seems that he just kept doing this to me time and time again and again it was always me who 'dragged' him out of his cave.
One time when he was particularly grumpy and withdrawn I said to him...I'm so worried that you are so unhappy that you will have an affair on me..and then he admitted to me that he did have one while I was 8 months pregnant with our second child. Well I was devastated and I cried for 3 months solid. I asked him why he did it and he said that I was always sick and not wanting sex (which was true..I was nauseated ALL the time..but give me a break...I was 8 months pregnant!).I told him I still loved him and he said he still loved me and he wanted to stay with me. I was so emotional and we had SOOO much sex because unbelievably, I felt that we finally had reconnected!
Another thing that really made me upset in the last 10 years of marriage is his apparent 'need' to view pornography online. He doesn't feel it's a form of 'cheating' because all he's doing is looking at women, but he says it's because he doesn't get enough sex from me. Believe me, we still have sex 2-3 times a week but apparently it's not enough for him...and I feel resentful when he wants to do stuff that the porno films do. I've told him I don't feel comfortable doing that but he still pushes me to do it from time to time and I resent him for it.
In the last 2 years, I again was starting to feel he was withdrawing from me and I was getting tired of reaching out to him, and I became involved in an emotional online relationship with someone. It was not intentional, it was just something that happened, and it was not on a 'dating' site or anything like that it...it happened on a 'forum' such as this strangely.
Anyways, my husband did find out about some stuff and he was extremely upset and things have gone downhill from there. It seems that even though I didn't have a physical relationship with this person, he cannot get over it....even though I forgave him for his sexual relationship while I was 8 months pregnant. He says that his infidelity meant 'nothing' to him...so does that make it any different?????
Anyways, I am no longer in contact with the person that I had an emotional relationship with (because I know I can ever be with him and want to concentrate on my marriage..what is left of it). I am currently quite depressed as my husband is quite dispondent and all I want is for him to be the man that he was when I married him. Communication is and has always been the key to a good marriage in my opinion, but my husband is not a good communicator and I'm tired of constantly dragging him out of his 'states'. He blames my apparent 'lack' of sex on many of our problems...but truthfully..who wants to have sex with a grumpy, dispondent man.
Is this marriage really worth saving and do I need to come clean on my indiscretions or will it just be the nail in the coffin?
I think I really do love him but I'm not 'in love' with him..but I'd like to be again....
Sounds like your husband has an ongoing struggle with depression. If it's not something he is willing to recognize and address, there isn't much you can do.
Given the state of your marriage, yes you should tell him about your affair. And yes, it probably will be the nail in the coffin.
To withhold that information, actually re-establish your relationship and then have him somehow find out, would be far worse.
You can certainly choose not to tell him, I just don't think there is anything to gain by keeping it from him at this point.
If you haven't already considered and tried counseling, that is your next best step.
Why do you want to stay married under the circumstances you outline? What do you think makes it worth saving?
Sounds like your husband has an ongoing struggle with depression. If it's not something he is willing to recognize and address, there isn't much you can do.
Given the state of your marriage, yes you should tell him about your affair. And yes, it probably will be the nail in the coffin.
To withhold that information, actually re-establish your relationship and then have him somehow find out, would be far worse.
You can certainly choose not to tell him, I just don't think there is anything to gain by keeping it from him at this point.
If you haven't already considered and tried counseling, that is your next best step.
Why do you want to stay married under the circumstances you outline? What do you think makes it worth saving?
My children are one of the reasons why I want to stay married. Another reason is I am financially dependent on him. Another reason is I think we still love each other, but we are just confused...
As for telling my husband about the affair, it happened over 15 years ago, and there is no chance of him finding out about it. I feel that telling him will only release my guilt and will do nothing to help 'save' our marriage. I would have preferred that my husband NOT have told me about his little 'affair' (if it meant nothing and was only for 3 days). I would have preferred that he told me he felt disconnected with me or needed something more from me. Although I 'forgave' him, I never felt he did a lot to make it up to me..and was not that attentive..I was just SOO desperate to not lose him.
Staying in a marriage that is broken or in need of serious repair "for the kids" is just as stupid as telling someone about an affair and even more stupid than having the affair to begin with.
And anything written or said by John Gray is about as worthless as the words he is saying...nothing like becoming a millionaire with a PhD from a diploma mill.
But I digress...you have some issues, if your husband withdraws you seek solace from someone else, that's not a good thing. You need to find out why you're so insecure.
People who cheat, cheat and cheat and cheat...if not in their hearts and minds then physically.
Counseling may help sort out things, if not for the both of you then at least for yourself.
But don't "stay because of the kids" it just makes them as dysfunctional in their relationships as you are in yours. It sets a very bad, and I must say, very stupid, example.
The problem is, you would be with the other man if you had the chance. Your husband doesn't want to be second choice. Maybe he senses, or you may have even told him, that you would go with the OM if the opportunity arises.
Staying in a marriage that is broken or in need of serious repair "for the kids" is just as stupid as telling someone about an affair and even more stupid than having the affair to begin with.
But don't "stay because of the kids" it just makes them as dysfunctional in their relationships as you are in yours. It sets a very bad, and I must say, very stupid, example.
Preacher
JD, I often agree with you, but don't believe what you have said is UNIVERSALLY true. One has to weigh the pros and cons of each situation.
For example:
Which is going to hurt the kids more:
A) Being used as pawns in a long and protracted custody battle (War of the Roses) OR
B) A civil, mature married couple who puts the interests of their child first?
Sometimes staying in a marriage and behaving like an adult to save children the grief of divorce battle/resulting bad feelings is the best course, IMHO.
I believe it TOTALLY depends on what sort of atmosphere a couple can keep, should they stay because of the kids. Sometimes you can teach kids what patience and tolerance can do or that THEY are more important than "YOU".
You know I am in a long term marriage mostly due to my children...simply BECAUSE my dh was a b#stard and used my kids for THREE solid years....and it would have lasted til the day he died, and would have have COMPLETELY destroyed my kids, because he is simply that kind of an idiot.
The kids are being used as pawns regardless...the longer people are in a relationship where they are staying just for the kids, the more likely they are to become bitter and resentful, stray outside the marriage, be passive aggressive...there is a host of things that make this impractical.
Kids are a lot more resilient to divorce when it happens early enough than they are later on...and divorce later, one of the first questions is, why didn't you leave sooner.
Guess it depends on what kind of light you want to cast upon yourself...children of divorce where one parent stays even though unhappy, often feel a lot of guilt...
But I digress...you have some issues, if your husband withdraws you seek solace from someone else, that's not a good thing. You need to find out why you're so insecure.
Preacher
Yes I do agree I have issues..it takes two..but I've never been able to get to the root of why he 'withdraws'. I'm only human..I want to be close to him but when he shuts me out, that's when I feel insecure. I didn't go looking for solace from someone else..it just 'happened'.
I am going to seek counselling for myself and I hope my husband will agree to..but I'm not entirely willing to tell him 'everything'...because I don't think it would help the situation..
Is this marriage worth saving?
