Hummingburd

Well her is my story I just went through and am still recovering from and emotional affair on my husbands side that he blamed me and our constant fighting. He also told me that he wanted a divorce and that our marriage just wasn't fixable and beyond repair. I have been through soo much with this man, ex's court cases constantly, child support taking everything not leaving us at one point with enough money for food!!

After he said he wanted the divorce I felt pathetic having to bargain with him not to throw away nine years in a second and that I felt there had to be someone or something going on because it was just not like him. At the end of our conversation I asked him over an over if he would tell me if there was someone else and he said no over and over until the last time he finally said no he probably wouldn't. Crushed, I didn't know who he was anymore! I finally got him to agree the night he asked for the divorce that he would at least try for our family and all that we had built. He refused counseling so that was out of the question. He wouldn't say he loved me and would just say I know when I told him, killed me inside.

After he left me with that last comment that he would probably not tell me is when I got super suspicous! It was two days later after he said he would try that I noticed he had been leaving his work phone in his car and not bringing it in, so of course I began investigating. So he came home one day from work and went in to take a nap. I went and looked in his phone and noticed a number I did not recognize so wrote it down shaking and freaking out that my biggest fear had come true. I was too upset, I actually had a friend call and say is this so and so? And the brilliant broad actually gave her name so I had a name and proof.

When he woke I asked if he had any calls this afternoon and wondered to set my mind at ease if I could look at his phone. I went to get it and he darted after me and wouldn't let me see it, I asked for it and he said why, why, why it is his phone. I finally got him to pull up the call list and Hmmm whose number might that be? He said no body, then he started getting really po. I said I know you were talking to someone cause I already called the number and said the persons name. He turned white. I said this explains alot and then he proceeded to ask me if I wanted the truth and he laid it out there that it was a friend from work that he had been talking to for about a month suposedly right after one of our bad fights that sinched it for him. Made sense all the arguments and just how convenient this gal was separating from her spouse as well. She knew he was married when she started talking to him and honestly I will never get the whole true story because he refuses to talk and just gets angry. Yes, and of course he gave me the line he wasn't leaving me for this gal it was because of our marriage!

His excuse was that it was just a friend, just a friend but got even more angry when I told him that if we were going to work things through he could never talk to her again and stop whatever it really was that was going on. He gave her his number the same day he told me he wanted the divorce! His work phone none the less! He also spouted that what should he just get rid of his other friends also (all male), I said maybe if they have a romantic interest in you! I asked him to call her in front of me and he refused of course that she was at work. Poor person disturbing them to save your marriage! I gave him one last chance that he needed to fix it if he wanted to work things out and really try like he said he wanted to! Needless to say a day passed and he had done nothing so I came home from work and asked if he had taken care of it and he said he was going to. I told him not good enough to get the heck out. He left po to pick up our kids since i told him I came home to do it after I asked him to leave but he refused and took off angry. He came back even more upset and said that it was done and if I didn't believe that he had called to look at his phone! I did look and it was a brief call since thank God! the person was in a work meeting so there was no time for a lengthy conversation. He said he told her you can't call me anymore or talk to me because I am working things out with my wife!
Here I am Three month later and scared still that it will happen again and that he is just more carefull now about hiding it. I don't know how to let go of these horrible feelings and asking him for reassurance is not working because has been good for a little while then gets really upset when I ask if he is sure it is not going to happen again. I don't know what to do.....I want my life back and my security. I have never been this type of weak person but something inside me just kept pushing me to fight for my family. Now I am stuck with not knowing how to trust him again and not worry every time he walks out that door to go to work. I am making myself sick over it and it is affecting me physically. I have lost 25 pounds from not being able to eat and even though it is getting better I still have very bad days and don't know how to recover....thanks for sharing your story cause even though I am not glad that we are here for these ridiculous reasons it gives me a little relief that I am not alone...

JDPreacher

Okay, not to push your panic button here but unless you actually heard what he said, don't think for a minute that he ended anything. And for your own sake of mind, I think it's important that you do hear him tell her that he no longer wants any contact with her.

If you really want to make things right, get your head about you, and start to trust your husband again, then you need to have him live his life as an open book. Cell phones, email, any form of communication you should have access to. Any man willing and wanting to save and work on their marriage would not hesitate.

Don't buy that "whut, yew don't trust me, I dun called her and tolt her I didn't want to talk to her nuhmore" garbage...no, you don't trust him and you won't until he allows you to see how he is living his life outside the home as well as in the home.

Grab a cheesburger and a bottle of chiante and regain control of yourself and your emotions. Lay the law down on him...and if he heistates or tries to guilt you...make an exit plan.

Preacher

Sensitive

I am very sorry you are going through all of this. I honestly think emotional affairs are more painful to recover from. I still don't trust my husband and I really don't think he care whether we rebuild trust or not.

Hummingburd

Thank you both for your support, until I found this site yesterday i felt there was not too many that understood. I obsess and check his phone daily but he doesn't know it cause it is normally early am when he is in the shower, so that way it does't cause more of a problem me looking like a psycho (feel a little like on in this one) and asking to see his phone every day. Not that he can't just delete the calls before I get home but it gives me an edge I feel so that he doesn't think that I am looking at it regularly and maybe get lazy about deleting something. Who knows, but I am depressed daily, and not being able to say anything is rough. He feels he has reassured me over and over again and he has and I know it is wearing on both of us. I think the psychological impact was more than I had expected and don't know how to heal. He says he just needs time in between my constant asking if anyone has called him or tried to talk to him at work in which he said he promised that he would tell me therefore no need for me to ask. Yeah like he told he about this one. On one hand I want to believe him because if he wanted to leave I suppose there would have been nothing I could do to stop him. So I guess that makes me a little hopefull. He has been trying through all of my obsessing and doing the best Im sure he can but sometimes just not good enough. Which is why I am looking for a counselor hopefully that he will eventually end up joining me in the process.
As far as what he really told her I will truely never know but he swears that there was no physical contact, no kissing hugging, holding hands anything. Thank the maker that I found the numb er two days after he gave it to her cause who knows what I would be writing today. he also said that any time they saw each other at work they were never alone and were always having lunch with a group of friends. Sure, Im not that stupid, although my husband gets minimal breaks and his buddies are always there with him! Today will be the fourth month after the incident.
Now I don't normally bring family into my business but I happened to be lucky enough to have my m-inlaw that works at the same location he does. Ballzy huh? Well I let her know about it and she knows the skanky gal and knows that she is trash and has nothing to offer anyone. She went balistic on my husband at work (poor guy yeah right) and told him to pull his head out of his butt and get his crap together and take care of his family. She ripped him pretty good and of course gave that gal the third degree and told her to watch her back because there are rumors going around the work place. The gal got defensive and threatened to kick my m-inlaws ass if she didn't tell her who was doing the talking. Wow! was a classy lady huh? After that she reported her for threatening her in the work place and told her that if she felt she was big enough to kick her butt to wait for her after work and see if she could try! I love my m-inlaw. Im not a violent person but finding out that someone would threaten an older woman in her 60s is pathetic and I swore if she hurt a hair on her head that I would step in and take care of it. Not the answer but Im not gonna have anyone hurting my family. Today is another day and hopefully I can make it through without this huge distraction of worrying about if it will happen again and if he is just lying to me to keep the peace.
I was recouperating very well until fathers day weekend when he got a random text message from a co-worker at work saying happy fathers day. I got the dang number this time and I texted it and this time had the guts to call myself. Now in this case some dumbo from work that has been there for ten years and is an ex to one of his friends thought that it would be appropriate to send him a text to brighten his day and that she didn't mean anything by it. Basically the dork took his work number which he never gave her!! Took it from the work contacts list and used it originally a while back for a work call on a system that went down. Now how he thought it was ok to take that work number and take it home and put it in her personal phone and use it for personal reasons I will not know!! I was doing soo well until that happened and he said he didn't know who it was because she listed a nickname, you can imagine my surprise finding out it was another one from the work place. she got the clear message totally innapropriate and she was very appologetic to me and to my husband. People have no respect anymore for other peoples spouses or families, the things that people do to hurt each other never ceases to surprise me anymore.
Well one day at a time with open eyes and an immediate goal to get that counsel, preferrably by the end of this week!!!
thanks for your support and listening, i appreciate it greatly!