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I think my wife cheated on me.

120K views 240 replies 54 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Hello everyone.

I think my wife has cheated on me. It came to me completely out of the blue, I was paying our verizon bill and saw about 1000 messages with a particular number. I asked her if she was texting anyone and received lies in response. Afterwards I looked up this number through some services online and found out that it was some guy. I confronted her the second time on this issue and asked her to show me the messages if she has nothing to hide and if he is just friend to her. The thing that hurts is that she lied the first time I asked her...

I also know that they went out for lunch a couple times and she never picked up her phone during the time she was out for lunch with this guy. She did tell me about that after the fact, that she went out with him.

I told her like a million times if there is nothing to hide from why do you hide your texts, lock your phones and etc... I do admit I went a little head over the heels with this and might be a little possessive.

So I think I have done something I should not have, I did snoop her sky conversation with this guy and emails. And oh man! She does call him babe and he calls her bonita... her signatures in emails are "your bonita". I did confront her on this one, I could not hold it back...... and she said that they were just emotional friends and that it is nothing for her.... I also saw in one of the emails that she is trying to let him go. The guy tells her that she loves her.... Never saw anything about love from my wife though..... never saw anything about sex either... just that they guy said that she gave him some moments that he wanted all his life. But I can believe that this level of communication can exist without some kind of intimacy. She swears that she never crossed this line and gets pretty defensive about it, something among this line - "how could you ever think I would do this! I am not a hoe"

I just can't believe it. It hurts so much right now! I feel so betrayed... I am freaking ready to die for this women on any day and this is what I get back.... I just don't know what to do now. I asked her to stop any conversations with that guy if she wants to get our marriage out of this situation, she said she did but I know she did not(she thinks I am an idiot??). I lost all my sleep, I can't be productive anymore.... All I think about is this situation.... I really don't know how to recover now... I am thinking about just going away...
I just don't know what to do next...
 
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#71 ·
Ohhhh, isn't that just toooo sweeeet! He thinks she the greatest wife ever!

Save that text and wait a year after they've been married. Send it to him then and watch him choke on his own words as he wonders why Bonita is late this time.

Such immaturity.
 
#73 ·
I know it's not funny to the OP, but I actually LOL'd at that middle school drivel.
 
#72 ·
MT, she's got a big lead on you as of now. You need to cut finances immediately if not sooner!! Don't tell her, just do it. Start putting stuff away, hidden somewhere else that she can't get to. You are now in some sort of combat and you need to take care of yourself. Just because you make a lot of money doesn't mean she can't tap it!!!!! BEWARE
 
#74 ·
I know! I know! it does sound like middle school drivel... which makes it even harder to believe that she would be sold on this BS... Well apparently I had no idea with whom I am sharing my life...

I just found out that she deleted him from that secret skype account. Though also I found out that she created another facebook page... and took this guys last name there.... As sad as it is I do admit that it sounds almost comical... Oh yeah and the password that she chose was love{guysName}2012.... Goodness Gracious! how can anyone in their 25-28 years can be this immature.
 
#75 ·
LOL....happens everyday pal.

So what do you want to do? The POSOB schoolboy wants to talk to you? Make it happen. He's just posturing for your WW. If you were to actually approach him, he'd tuck tail and run like the coward he truly is.
 
#78 ·
you are going for the d right? she is gone you know. lessee male with good income aged 25 to 28. nah. no demand for those.
ya know the payment on next semester is due soon... just sayin.... oops forgot.
 
#80 ·
Wow. That convo was even more sickening than the other one you posted.

She is not just in a fog. She is over the next mountain and across the river gone.

You are, and will be the monster now. She even hints that you might get violent and she MUST protect HIM. What garbage. So they both agreed to stop electronic communications until school starts back so they can be with each other in person.

Take your divorce papers to a lawyer and file them with the court and have her served.

Make sure all finances are separated and she cannot access anything.

Tell her the internet connection at the house is screwed up and unplug the modem and take the router for "repairs". If her phone is on your account cancel it.

Women like this and her POSOM make me sick.

If you know his name - put him on cheaterville.com.
 
#82 ·
No matter what happens from this point forward, let's blow this little prick out the water for what he is and at the same time blow this little fantasy world that your WW created for herself sky high.

You in? Or am I wasting my time?
 
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#85 ·
When she learns of the divorce, she will want to talk about it. She will lie and deny all. Do not engage in any arguments or discussion. Just tell her you know everything and are through with her.

Next will come the tears, denials and more lying to you. Then it will be anger and threats and how it is all your fault and you drove her to fulfill her "needs" elsewhere.

Then you will be the worst husband on the face of the earth. All the things she has been saying about you to her friends and POSOM, she will say to you.

Don't argue with her. Be indifferent. Stay strong. Don't cave. You will have a better life without her around.
 
#89 ·
I truly think I will be better of without her now. So do you think I should go to a lawyer? I have the divorce papers required by the district court filled out myself today. Marriage is quite short also and I've been paying for her school for 1,5 years since we were married.

You know one thing I recollect now is that this marriage was always about her! all I heard from her - "I..", "Mine...", "I...", "My feelings...". Just made me realize how manipulative she was.

It is really hard for me to admit that I am doing this... Just a week ago it seemed to me that we were happy or.... but again only to me.
 
#90 ·
Don't even bother with her scum lover---let her have him---see how fast that relationship blows up, when they have to FACE REALITY----of paying bills, handling emergencies, working a job

Her lover probably doesn't even work

Dry her up financially, BUT---tell her she will pay half of all bills in re: everything---home, car, all insurances, necessities to live-------if she leaves, she pays for her own apt., but is still responsible for half of all marital bills---cancel any CC, with her name on it----go completely dark on her----you go NC, on her---no more arguments---no nothing---SHE DOES NOT EXIST---by law she will be entitled to live in the marital home if she wants to---fine---put her in a small room, somewhere in the house with all her belongings thrown into that room

Make sure you file for the D, and stay the course----do not under any circumstances---become mr. nice-guy, or lovey-dovey---cuz she will try to worm her way back in, by attempting to manipulate you with sex----she does not wanna lose her cushy lifestyle---and she knows what will be in store, if you do follow thru with a D.
 
#91 ·
So I told her that I am done with her for good... by showing her what I had, and by showing her that she did initiate the contact with him. she was by the way denying it all until I showed her the screenshots of her computer screen. She tried to convince me that I am crazy and destroying marriage because of nothing. Ripped the papers apart was quite an emotional outburst. Told me never to talk to her mother. Well and she left now. Where did she go?... I have no idea... It hurts a lot now.
Oh! this happened all so fast all those tears, sweat and blood that put into this ****! just poof! gone...
 
#94 · (Edited)
She will be meeting her bf to tell him how she was busted and discuss her future plans . Don't expect her to come back for a while. She idealized him and their relationship while demonizing you. The affair is physical.

And yes. "she is a hoe". She got caught red handed and is trying to save face by attacking you. Prepare yourself for attacks on your character and your failing as a husband in the next few days.
 
#101 ·
Yes you need a lawyer. If everything goes smoothly it won't cost much. Your future is on the line here, so don't be cheap.

This is now an adversarial situation, and she is going to do her best to harm you. Beware the false allegations and her calling 911. As has been advised by others, get a VAR and have it on you at all times. See if you can legally change the locks on your home to keep her out. Secure all of your evidence with backups she cannot get to.

Dadsdivorce.com has a lot of good info which you might find helpful.

You can try to ask her for an uncontested divorce. Present her with a court acceptable document with your terms, and make them reasonably fair so she might be tempted to sign it. Offer to quietly go away if she makes this simple and quick. Be polite and avoid harsh words in this conversation (if possible).

It is worth a try. But if she fights, you need to have a shark on your side.
 
#105 ·
Consult an attorney. Usually the first consult does not cost anything. You might want to consider an initial retainer just to keep the attorney handy.

You might be able to get through the divorce without one, but I have seen judges and the courts do some crazy things.

The attorney will protect your interest and give you a heads-up about what to expect.

Why are divorce lawyers so expensive? - They are worth it.
 
#116 ·
Ok so I am just responding to the original post before reading the rest of this. Then I will read the rest.

Hello everyone.

I think my wife has cheated on me. It came to me completely out of the blue, I was paying our verizon bill and saw about 1000 messages with a particular number.

Very inappropriate at the least but likely unfaithful. This indicates obsession. Not good no matter the sex of the individual frankly but this being an opposite sex friend it by iteself indicates a serious problem. An EA. The next thing to do would have been to take a closer look at the messages. I believe in transparency so you should have had access to her accounts anyway. If not, that IMO is not a good policy. However that would nopt deter me from doing my duty as her spouse to protect the marriage. No only my right but my responsibility. There is no provacy such as this in a monogamous marriage.

I asked her if she was texting anyone and received lies in response.

OMG. So now she is solidly into being unfaithful. This is an indicator that she full well knows she is in an affair and is trying to hide things. No innocent we are just friends here. This is not just a problem with poor boundaries. That would be inappropriate. It is has progressed to unfaithful at the least.

Afterwards I looked up this number through some services online and found out that it was some guy.

I wonder who the guy is. How they met. No doubt this is discussed in the rest of the thread. Of course with just what I have read so far she must go NC with this guy. No contact whatsoever. But indeed this would drive me to want to investigate further. For me a PA is a dealbreaker so while it is urgent to sepearate them it is important to gather evidence to see if reconsiling is worth the effort.

I confronted her the second time on this issue and asked her to show me the messages if she has nothing to hide and if he is just friend to her.

Well I am all cool with the confrontation and wanting to see the messages. However the lying and number of messages indicates more than a friend.

The thing that hurts is that she lied the first time I asked her...

It should not only hurt. It is unfaithful and indicates your wife is sharing herself in a way with another man that is not compatible with a monogamous marriage.

I also know that they went out for lunch a couple times and she never picked up her phone during the time she was out for lunch with this guy.

I see this as dating. Some folks think this is fine. But what matters is your marital boundaries. One on one alone time with an OSF. I have no idea what boundaries you guys agreed to in your marriage. My guess is you have none. Just shoot from the hip and all sorts of assumptions. Many peoples false boundary is that if it feels ok it is ok. Of course that is a cheaters boundary.

She did tell me about that after the fact, that she went out with him.

Oh so you already knew about this guy? Too bad she did not tell you before she went out to lunch with him. Of course she may have been seen with him. Also notice how you phrased this -- "that she went out with him". Hmmm going ... out.

I told her like a million times if there is nothing to hide from why do you hide your texts, lock your phones and etc...

Ok so this is an ongoing issue. She has a separate life from yours. This is not her first rodeo. I see this as a spouse who is not 100% into the marriage. She is not as married to you as you are to her. Now you see why she hides things.

I do admit I went a little head over the heels with this and might be a little possessive.

Horse cr@p. Don't be a wuss. You should be sharing your wife with another man. Knock these weak thoughts out of your head. You have been conditioned to fear being a man and being assertive. You fear being called jealous insecure and controlling. Stop that.

So I think I have done something I should not have, I did snoop her sky conversation with this guy and emails.

Really? You should not have? Who says? Not only did you have a right to do so, it was on your shoulders to do so. A confident quality man and loving husband would have done this.

And oh man! She does call him babe and he calls her bonita... her signatures in emails are "your bonita". I did confront her on this one, I could not hold it back...... and she said that they were just emotional friends and that it is nothing for her....

Total cr@p. This is a full blown EA at the least. Possibly more. It is headed for more.

I also saw in one of the emails that she is trying to let him go.

Right. I am trying to cut back on my cocain use. So I know hjow tough that is.

The guy tells her that she loves her....

No doubt. He at bleast wants to bang her but he may have fallen in love with her. This happens when we date other people.

Never saw anything about love from my wife though.....

She may just be in it for the attention and the sex.
The cake eating. Hanging with a guy who loves her is cheating.
Though I have seen people on TAM who insist this does not matter. LOL.

never saw anything about sex either...

EAs are emotional. They cause there damage at this level. Then they can go romantic and / or sexual. You do not wait for penetration to stop the affairs. This is brain chemical stuff. It is how the planet was populated and why the world keeps making kids even when there is not enough food.

just that they guy said that she gave him some moments that he wanted all his life. But I can believe that this level of communication can exist without some kind of intimacy.

Yes this is all about intimacy. Wow they have already had moments that he wanted all his life.

She swears that she never crossed this line and gets pretty defensive about it, something among this line - "how could you ever think I would do this! I am not a hoe"

Well she indeed has crossed all sorts of lines. She is playing just the tip. The thing is that once the brain chemicals start going there is no rational thinking. Yes she is cheating. She is your wife and she is sharing herself with another man to an extent that is no longer faithful. Be prepared for it is just sex. But for she is invoking we are just friends.

I just can't believe it. It hurts so much right now! I feel so betrayed... I am freaking ready to die for this women on any day and this is what I get back.... I just don't know what to do now.

You tell her this unacceptable and she must go complete NC with this guy. No compromise. And this means no contact in any way whatsoever. So who is this guy? There will need to be exposure.
You will require 100% transparency. So complete access to ALL of her accounts. Be prepared for secret accounts and a burner phone. Also be prepared for trickle truth.

If you do not have children you may end up having to walk away.

I asked her to stop any conversations with that guy if she wants to get our marriage out of this situation, she said she did but I know she did not(she thinks I am an idiot??).

Well if she continues to lie then you have your answer. See a lawyer. How old are you guys?

I lost all my sleep, I can't be productive anymore.... All I think about is this situation.... I really don't know how to recover now... I am thinking about just going away...

This does not go away. It is a cancer to your marriage. Drug addiction does not just go away. There is much damage to your marriage right now.


I just don't know what to do next...
 
#117 ·
The pain is normal. You have to mourn the death of your marriage and the lose of someone you though loved you. All normal. You may have regrets about the choices you made in confronting her and exposing. Don't. She gave you no choice really.

The anger will return shortly when you begin to rethink the affair timeline, the lies, the deception, the plans to go underground and meet in person when school started back. How she was protecting him from you. How her "soul cried and ached" when she lied to you because she wanted to shout her love for him from the roof tops.

Stay strong. You are on the right path. Don't get side tracked by her lies and deception.

You do know she went straight to him when she left right? Just one more instance of disrespect and deception toward you. It shows she has no feelings or empathy for you. It is all about her.
 
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