help please i have a cheater!!

jamie31709 · 06-30-2009, 11:41 PM

i need advice!! im having an inner battle of whether or not to end my realationship... we r supposed to getting married in a month!! and he just threw my trust on the floor and stomped on it a few times!! our realationship the last 2 months have been better than ever were now getting along were working together and we actually want to be together all the time!!i have never felt closer to him....until he sat me down a few days ago and explained to me that he cheated on me while i was pregnant. he is a bouncer at a night club and said that he left with a girl after work one night and when i came time to actually do the "deed" he couldnt go through it so he drove her back to her car. but i also know that he only told me these things because somebody found out and let him know that they were going to tell me. i still feel like he is hiding more and dont for one second beleive that he didnt sleep with her. his excuse was about how we were going through a hard time and that was his way of dealing( we were told our son wasnt going to make it and we needed to start preparing for his death... he is now a healthy 3month old

) so now if i can work past this how am i to know that when were havin hard times hes not going to be out cheating!!i am confident that he isnt cheating now and think it would be a shame to throw our realationship away when were finally doing so well but at the same time im not sure that i can ever get past this and dont want to feel like im gonna breakdown at any point. i have written the girl an e mail (not sure if i should have or not) and asked for her version but havent gotten a reply... any advice will help!!!thanx

snowball44 · 07-01-2009, 01:51 AM

Your gut will tell u what to do -- if u want my opinion, he is likely to cheat again so it depends how high u value fidelity, faithfulness and trust.
if it were me, i would run... but its your life and your baby to consider. He is at least kind enough to show u what kind of person he is and what kind of husband he will be

good luck

JDPreacher · 07-01-2009, 04:27 AM

It would be foolish to get married, not with this hanging over your head. You're already uneasy and have no reason to trust him and those are not good things to build a marriage on.

Back off a little, let him earn your trust again before you even think about getting married. The bouncer job has to go though, eliminate temptation at all costs. If he is unwilling to let the job go then you should probably let him go...don't want to hear he is unable to quit the job, we are all able, just unwilling.

Find out where his priorities are...

Preacher

Mommybean · 07-01-2009, 08:09 AM

Yeah, I agree, the bouncer job HAS to go. I worked in 4 different bars over the years, and quite honestly, i don't remember any guy that remained faithful. The opportunities and the alcohol are just too plentiful. Don't remember many girls that stayed faithful either(myself included).
If he cheated because of stress, he has horrible coping skills, and he HAS to work on them in order to ever quit that pattern of behavior. There will ALWAYS be stress in a relationship, epsecially with children, and if he does not learn to recognize his triggers and deal with his stress in a more mature manner, you will find yourself right back in this spot again...and again. I do NOT believe "once a cheat, always a cheat"...but unless he does the work, he WON'T change.
Yeah, the economy is tough, but he can find a job that does not involve the party lifestyle IF he really wants to. If not, then you seriously need to take a look at your relationship and decide if it is worth it, to have that constant worry hanging over your head.

jamie31709 · 07-03-2009, 09:04 PM

thank you for the advice!! i have explained to him that im willing to try but at the first sign of a lie or him cheating im gone!! also told him he has to choose another job...one that im a little more comfortable with!!

preso · 07-05-2009, 07:34 AM

[QUOTE=jamie31709;67919]thank you for the advice!! i have explained to him that im willing to try but at the first sign of a lie or him cheating im gone!! QUOTE]

you mean the second as your going to ignore the first.
I'd say ... you should NOT marry this guy. You already had your warning sign, but for some reason your choosing to overlook it.
That you are, and still going to marry him and stay with him ( even if you don't marry) will be something you will come to regret !