non communicative spouse
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-01-2009, 09:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default non communicative spouse

Just curious how many other spouses are like mine.

Big time issues with communication. Here's what I got today and it's the usual response from him.

Me: When are we going to discuss things?
He knows I'd like to separate as the emotional connection is gone (due to lack of communication). He doesn't see a problem. This was the conversations even before me wanting to leave.

Him: I don't want to hear this right now.

Me: When are we going to talk?

Him: I don't know, I'm on my way to work (he wasn't)

Other famous phrase : I haven't decided.

I get this ALL the time. I'd love to know how many men are like this.
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Old 07-06-2009, 03:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Mine was and is like that also, he wants to avoid the topic at all costs even if it means starting an argument or being mean just to push me away. He says that we have talked about everything that needs to be talked about and to bring it back up constantly is just repeating what he has already told me and I just need to get over it now because I am holding up our marriage getting better because I refuse to let go and move forward! I feel for u! It is not a comfortable place, not having anyone that cares to listen and will be there to talk to u about the immediate problem and work together, hence why we are all here having the need to talk to someone
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Old 07-06-2009, 03:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Just from what you wrote above, it sounds like your H feels attacked, and even hopeless. maybe he feels like no matter what he tries its never good enough for you? or maybe he thinks that being a 'man' means not sharing his feelings.

My H used to be really bad at communicating. He used to just say nothing was wrong and sometimes he wouldnt even talk. but we've both worked really hard at changing ourselves and so he communicates a lot more now. sometimes he talks so much i get shocked. but i try not to be judgmental of his feelings, or project everything on to myself. i try to listen and figure out how he feels, instead of wondering what it all means in regards to my happiness. If it affects me, i try to let him know in a non accusatory manner but always thinking he shoudl do what is best for him and i should handle my own happiness.
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Old 07-06-2009, 03:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Me: When are we going to talk about getting/doing XYZ???
DH: I have a trip I'm leaving on, I don't know.
Me: I need your input, so we can get this show on the road....
DH: Sorry I don't have time....

(REPEAT SCENARIO THREE TIMES....for each request)

Me (many times over 24 years):

"DH, I bought":
1986: A CAR, REFRIGERATOR
1988: A COUCH, ENTERTAINMENT CENTER, CHAIRS
1990: A VAN
1990: I LEFT AS HE WASN'T LISTENING...
2003: A CRIB, DESK
2005: PACKED US UP AND MOVED
2007: A HOUSE
2008: A DOG
2009: A JEEP

I give it a "three strikes you don't talk with me and I do what I gotta do...."

My DH used to say: "WHY on earth do you make all these UNILATERAL decisions without me????" DUH?

LIFE DOES NOT STOP BECAUSE SOMEONE WON'T DISCUSS THINGS! If I waited for my DH to get ready to discuss things I'd be an old angry woman.
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Old 07-06-2009, 05:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Hummingburd I think were married to the same man.

Blanca: how did you get your H to talk? Several times I told my H exactaly what I need from him. I told him I want to know about my last 18 years with him (because I'm sure there were more A's) and that I wasn't planning on leaving just wanted a fresh start to move on with him.
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Old 07-06-2009, 05:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

trying to discuss the divorce was just a no go . but i suppose communcation in these circumstances are difficult in these situations when your the one being divorced.

but i found this in the majority of my situations - things were just chucked under the carpet and not faced on by the ex to be. if they were then issues wouldnt have built up and the likelihood of ppl getin divorced would probably reduce.
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:04 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

my wife is a hard one to get info out of. mostly because of her past but it is getting better.... sometimes frustrating but hey... i love her :-)
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Old 03-19-2014, 01:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingburd View Post
Mine was and is like that also, he wants to avoid the topic at all costs even if it means starting an argument or being mean just to push me away. He says that we have talked about everything that needs to be talked about and to bring it back up constantly is just repeating what he has already told me and I just need to get over it now because I am holding up our marriage getting better because I refuse to let go and move forward! I feel for u! It is not a comfortable place, not having anyone that cares to listen and will be there to talk to u about the immediate problem and work together, hence why we are all here having the need to talk to someone
Unfortunately, I live this with my wife every day. All that we discuss are daily basics (meals, weather, basic household stuff). Anything that goes deeper than that is avoided by her at all costs and just like you said, she will start an argument about B, just to avoid talking about A.

"I don't feel like talking about it right now", "I thought we already moved past that", "I don't know when you're going to let that go", etc. She won't do counselling.

In my experience if there is outright refusal to see the others point of view then there's not much more you can do except perhaps seek individual counselling to better deal with this on your own.

I feel your utter frustration deeply, Hummingburd. It's like talking to a wall. I will say something - anything - and unless it affects her directly and imdediately, I will get no response. This is anytime - morning , noon or night. It's frustrating and makes for a very lonely existence.

Good luck.

Mark
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Old 03-19-2014, 02:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by fairydust View Post
Just curious how many other spouses are like mine.

Big time issues with communication. Here's what I got today and it's the usual response from him.

Me: When are we going to discuss things?
He knows I'd like to separate as the emotional connection is gone (due to lack of communication). He doesn't see a problem. This was the conversations even before me wanting to leave.

Him: I don't want to hear this right now.

Me: When are we going to talk?

Him: I don't know, I'm on my way to work (he wasn't)

Other famous phrase : I haven't decided.

I get this ALL the time. I'd love to know how many men are like this.
You want to separate due to lack of communication.

He won't communicate about it.

So just leave. Seems to me he's getting his way by not discussing it and the only way it will happen is if YOU make it happen. Why does it have to be discussed?
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Old 03-19-2014, 02:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

It was five years ago. I bet they've separated by now
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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This IS a super old thread! I love it. I would like to know what fairydust did.

Just because it would be impossible to thread-jack now...for me, it isn't that my wife won't communicate. She will communicate (if she wants to). The problem is what happens when the irresistible force meets the immovable object? She won't budge. I think I am taking the more reasonable stance. I won't accept her way. She won't accept mine. of course...we are talking about custody of children.

Her: I want you to move out.
Me: Ok, lets establish a visitation schedule.
Her: You can have them every other weekend.
Me: Uh..no. I would be willing to do 50/50, but that is as much of a compromise as I am willing to do.
Her: You can have them every other weekend.
Me: Then I am not moving out. You are, of course, free to leave. You can be with the kids half the time if you like.

Repeat 20x in the same discussion.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:08 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Zombie thread or Easter is being celebrated early.
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Old 03-19-2014, 06:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingburd View Post
Mine was and is like that also, he wants to avoid the topic at all costs even if it means starting an argument or being mean just to push me away. He says that we have talked about everything that needs to be talked about and to bring it back up constantly is just repeating what he has already told me and I just need to get over it now because I am holding up our marriage getting better because I refuse to let go and move forward! I feel for u! It is not a comfortable place, not having anyone that cares to listen and will be there to talk to u about the immediate problem and work together, hence why we are all here having the need to talk to someone
Same here.

4 1/2 years of this bullsh1t and I say no more. I am done until he fixes it.
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Originally posted by TRy: Question: How does a cheater say screw you? Answer: They say "trust me".
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Originally Posted by Will_Kane View Post
When the story does not make sense, that is because it is not true. When you get the truth, it all will make sense.
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Old 03-19-2014, 07:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by fairydust View Post
Hummingburd I think were married to the same man.

Blanca: how did you get your H to talk? Several times I told my H exactaly what I need from him. I told him I want to know about my last 18 years with him (because I'm sure there were more A's) and that I wasn't planning on leaving just wanted a fresh start to move on with him.
You won't get the fresh start until you give him the fresh start....I.e. The consequences.

You have to force the hand that refuses to give. And if not, you have to be prepared to walk away from the hand that stabbed you in the back time and again.
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Originally posted by TRy: Question: How does a cheater say screw you? Answer: They say "trust me".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Will_Kane View Post
When the story does not make sense, that is because it is not true. When you get the truth, it all will make sense.
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Old 03-19-2014, 07:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: non communicative spouse

Ah hahaha sh1te! I always get caught out when I don't get to the end of the thread before I reply!

Can anyone tell me a good film to watch?
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Originally posted by TRy: Question: How does a cheater say screw you? Answer: They say "trust me".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Will_Kane View Post
When the story does not make sense, that is because it is not true. When you get the truth, it all will make sense.
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