Confused and maybe a bit depressed - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-02-2009, 01:57 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
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Confused and maybe a bit depressed

I'm really beginning to wonder if its possible to have as strong or even a stronger relationship after one spouse cheats on the other. So many things I didn't notice about him before or I thought were endearing, I now find annoying. I'm irritable and I'm trying not to be. Sometimes he wants to spend time with me and in my head I'm thinking just go away..

I thought we had one of the best marriages. I was so shocked when he told me it wasn't and MAY want out about a year ago. Turns out he was cheating and when I caught him (not literally but enough evidence) and threw him out the tables turned. He wanted to fix it. I did....I do too but what is happening?

I do love him, but its not like before. I feel really lost...I guess is the best word. Its been nearly a year and right now I feel almost as lost as when it was all happening. We had moved forward so much and nothing happened to make me feel this way. Its making me feel very depressed.

I know there are outside factors here. My mother is ill and dealing with a very stressful situation our wonderful government is oh so kind when you have a grandmother who has dementia. Work is stressful. Also its been not a good month. For awhile I think I felt support from my friends (they don't know about this but their friendship was support enough)...and then something happened not a major deal, but I feel betrayed. Some of them all are going on a trip together and they kept the group really small. I was asked to feed the animals not invited on the trip... I agreed (cause this is sooo me!) and I also felt hurt. My husband doesn't think it crossed any of their mind I might be hurt to not be invited and it was unitentional. I am overreacting but I feel like no one is loyal anymore and I can't trust anyone...

So after all the rambling...I have some questions:

1.)Those of you recovering from an affair, physical or emotional did you no longer love your spouse as much after they betrayed you and did you ever get that back?

2.) Do you ever fully trust them again?

3.) After a year when things are going as well, even better than expected did you suddenly feel lost, maybe even depressed... is this normal?????

Its easier to deal with emotions if you know its part of a cycle in the healing but I'm thrown by this cause I was feeling so much more positive and nothing happened yet I really want to isolate myself..

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-02-2009, 05:40 AM
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Location: Republic (in the Ozarks), MO
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Re: Confused and maybe a bit depressed

AzMom, I don't have any answers for you...but I got this (((*** HUGS ***)))!!!

Anent the trust issues...from my experience...I expect to have them for the rest of my life, no matter who I'm (eventually) involved with...sigh...

That's the price paid when someone (else) cheats. I wish I could put the genie back in the bottle...but once released...too late...

Sometimes I wish I was 13 again...just riding my bicycle all over town, no cares in the world. Enjoying new things. But life has reared it's head. And I've had to learn...sigh.

It ain't illegal until you're caught!
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-02-2009, 06:30 AM
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Location: USA
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Re: Confused and maybe a bit depressed

Things never returned the same for me. My "emotional affair" was with online friends, and really it was a support mechanism. I cut back. My husband also has too many "friends" outside the marriage, and he stayed the same. I still hold a grudge that he won't give up his online addictions to improve our marriage. I feel I have nowhere to go, not forward not backward. I have cycles of thinking my marriage is tolerable, then other days I think I need to call a divorce lawyer. I really think I would have been happier if I didn't know the affairs existed. I get depressed and confused all the time about it. I hope someone else has more encouraging thoughts.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-02-2009, 08:29 AM
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Re: Confused and maybe a bit depressed

You have a LOT on your plate, and it would not surpirse me if situational depression was not playing a part in some of your feelings toward your spouse.
1.)Those of you recovering from an affair, physical or emotional did you no longer love your spouse as much after they betrayed you and did you ever get that back?
Honestly, I love my H MORE than I did before. I have never seen him work so hard on something---finding out how to deal with the issues that trigger his behavior, faithfully going to therapy, learning how to communicate better, and each day, I love him a little bit more for the man he is BECOMING.

2.) Do you ever fully trust them again?
I don't think you ever fully trust again, but it's a process, so who knows how I will feel about that in a year.

3.) After a year when things are going as well, even better than expected did you suddenly feel lost, maybe even depressed... is this normal?????
Considering what you are dealing with, in addition to your relationship, I think its normal for YOU.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-02-2009, 12:24 PM
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 365
Re: Confused and maybe a bit depressed

I must be enigmatic because when my former spouses had their affairs, I didn't want to continue or save the relationships, I was done...and the second ex wanted to get back with me even after she moved her guy into the house we shared and then got vindictive when I balked.

I didn't go through all the emtions everyone else seems to though, yes it hurt and yes I had all the questions in the world but I didn't blink an eye about moving on and getting past things.

I guess my mindset has been, well, they have made up their mind so I'm not going to waste another minute of my life on them, my time is too valuable and I have too much life to live, not to mention kids to raise.

I've never really trusted anyone, this goes back to my youth, but the exceptions are the people I am in a relationship with, I trust them until I have a reason not to...and I don't go looking for reasons and I don't sit around and worry about if they will or they won't.

I've had two marriages fail and I know the reasons for both of them and it wasn't limited to cheating by the ex...I had a role in what happened as well and I have learned from it and grew as a person and I'm dedicated to not making the same mistakes with my wife now.

But I don't dwell on the past, don't relive it and don't make comparisons to anything from before. If I did, I would probably be in the fetal position speaking words that made no sense.

Affairs and divorce are never an easy thing to have to cope with or accept...but the sooner you do, the healthier you will be mentally and physically and the sooner you will be able to get back to lving your life.

Live life, no regrets...

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