cyber cheating

goyard · 01-03-2013, 09:55 AM

I came across this website today and I am very thankful because I have seen other people going through what I am going through and it reassures me as well as comforts me.
FOr the past month, I have had hardly any sleep!
Here's my story!
background after snooping.. He opened a fake skype account 4 years ago. We've been together for years but been married for 3 years.
LAst december i walked in on my husband chatting with someone on his fake skype account. It said "she walked in" so when i read that I forced him to show me his conversation. he was chatting with this girl for two days and they were sending each other videos! I asked him why he did that, he said he was bored and doesn't see anything wrong with it since they are miles apart. Literally different continents. So, I asked him to keep his account open and leave the room.
There I found him chatting with 1 girl in particular since late 2008. Though they were at random times like 3-4 times a year, they were all sexual! It was really disturbing since he even mentioned he was in the process of finalizing his 'divorce'! LAst time they messaged was about a year ago. She probably found out he wasn't divorced yet. I don't know how it ended.
After this, i confronted him. He explained that she was a random girl who added him on facebook and then they started chatting. He was very apologetic. He said he didn't know he was hurting me and he was dumb to actually ruin what we have. He said he'd do anything to fix it.
Though things have been okay, I still end up thinking at night! I cant sleep. It is just really disturbing how he kept in contact with this particular girl all these years. I know she is far away. There obviously hasn't been any physical contact since it's 16 hour plane ride, but STILL!
I want to get over this. The pain is too much! I want this to work but I don't know how to let go.

In_The_Wind · 01-03-2013, 11:04 AM

hi Go sorry you are here sounds like a EA which can be just if not more hurtful than a PA. I would suggest that you set some boundaries with yr husband such as no more contact with any members of the opposite sex over the internet. Also maybe consider going to MC so he can see the harm that he has done to you by his actions provided that you do want to stay married> I would suggest that you contact a member here on TAM her name is elegirl and she expericened similar situation and can help you through this.

Good Luck

unbelievable · 01-03-2013, 12:23 PM

If he didn't know he was engaging in activity that would hurt you, why was it necessary for him to alert the OW that you entered the room? If he were a half-witted chimp, he'd still know his conduct was wrong as two left shoes. This adult human being couldn't imagine you having the same cyber chats, sending the same sorts of videos, and realize he wouldn't like it? In his world, the only things that can hurt you are the things you know about? He's either a bald face liar or a hopeless sociopath. Normally functioning human beings know right from wrong. The "didn't know it would hurt you" is about as lame and stupid an excuse as I can imagine.

underwater2010 · 01-03-2013, 12:31 PM

It takes awhile to get past the not sleeping, not eating/over eating and crying. Be wary though, at that point the anger sets in. The sad part of all of this is that he has to want to work on the relationship and has to realize that what he did is cheating. Has he admitted that yet?

totallyunexpected · 01-03-2013, 12:50 PM

Dear Goyard,

I'm sorry for the reason you have to be here, but at least you have found a very useful resource - TAM and all the people whose stories build it.

Shortly before Thanksgiving 2012, I joined this site. And it has really helped me trudge through the days! I'm experiencing a similar sort of betrayal - secret email with lovey-dovey (not sexual) emails to girls from chatrooms that he apparently frequented plus phone numbers of a stripper and local "escort" in his phone. Totally unexpected discovery about someone who I considered a wonderful partner for life.

I recommend you view the Welcome Newbies thread ASAP:
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

This is a MUST-READ and will explain everything you are going through. It was the most helpful thing when my world exploded and I happened upon TAM.

You will find lots of people in similar situation here. It really helps to go through all the posts and read responses to the original posters. A lot of patterns will emerge, and you will know what you need to do.

Whatever you do, don't rugsweep (or quickly forgive) this incident without going through the whole process of coming to terms with what he did and setting new rules on his behavior. If you rugsweep, it will happen again. My husband just had the secret email and chatroom stuff which wasn't even sexual in nature. I too quickly forgave him and didn't want to overreact. One year later, I had a more horrific discovery. I found calls to random girls. I googled the numbers and found one was an escort in the city we were in. I think I caught him before things went physical (though he clearly had the intent) but there is of course no way to ever fully trust someone who has cheated on you and lied to you.

Cheaters lie. They will only tell you what you know. Be prepared to find out more than you ever believed your significant other capable of. The worst for me was that my husband went to a strip club the afternoon before the night we were celebrating our 2 year anniversary. He even got one of the stripper's numbers. Ughh. Thankfully, during the week of "confrontation" he admitted this info, which is better than learning some other way.

This is not your fault. And your husband may not be a horrible person. But he is doing despicable things to you that have no excuse. How you react to his wayward behavior will determine your quality of life.

Please share more about how your confrontation went and what has happened since. Has he been incredibly remorseful? Did he delete the account? Does he have a password on his phone? Do you have access to all his email and social media accounts? This guy must provide you total transparency if trust is to ever be rebuilt. Or did he just move on - to return to old ways?

Hang in there. Read the newbies link. You'll find so much support and information just reading the website.

Hope1964 · 01-03-2013, 05:06 PM

Please read my story - the link is in my signature. My husband did something similar.

What has he done to try to fix things? Not SAID, but DONE. Has he opened up his entire cyberexistence to you? Told you all his passwords, Given up his freedom? Has he made himself a counseling appt? gotten STD tested and shown you written results?

If he isn't, kick him out.

goyard · 01-04-2013, 02:06 AM

Hi everyone! Thank you for all your responses. That was at 3:45am so I realized today that I hardly gave information! I just had a day to myself at the beach to contemplate! and actually relax!! these sleepless nights has to end soon!

The day I caught him, he made me read his skype conversations as well as yahoo. He showed me everything because I told him I need to know. I know others say that it is better not to know. But for me, I just NEED TO KNOW!
That night that we fought, his dad called. HE heard us fighting. So, the next day his dad called and talked to him about it. In a way, I am thankful because that night I caught him I was just in pain and I just couldn’t talk to him properly or look him in the eye. I would just scream and hit him and I just cried each time. The lines on those chats just kept (and til now) repeating in my head. His dad told him the consequences that may occur. He told him that he should stop his foolishness and that he should fix everything. I thanked his dad via email and he replied that he was willing to help anytime we needed his help. His dad is a man of few words so I never really talked to him before this. But, I am thankful he did that.
We talked that night his dad called and he outlined his mistakes. He also deleted the women from his contact list. As for skype, there is no way to delete your account nor the conversations. SO he makes me check them. I do know that the girl has stopped communicating as mentioned above. He told me he knows his mistakes. He knows he wants this to work.
On our first year of marriage we were really thinking of divorcing as I went through a lost of a best friend and didn’t feel that I loved him anymore. SO there were papers but it did not PUSH THROUGH. I was able to overcome this and realized that this is what I really wanted after year2. AS I said we’ve been married for 3 years and things have actually been ok! SO This whole thing was really DEVASTATING AND SHOCKING
As of now, I’ve decided to quit my job because I am going back to school but also because I feel if he has time to do all this then he can make extra money to pay for bills and mortgage. I know this is extreme but I want him to work for everything in this relationship. I am just not willing to go an extra mile to help him like Ive been doing all this time. I may be wrong in doing this. But I really am still mad and hurt.
I hope I’ve answered most questions. WE share only one laptop so all the users for logging in skype and yahoo are actually automatically displayed so I know there is no other accounts. We have both deactivated our facebook accounts since he said it’s best and he wants this to work. He has shared his passwords as well.
By the way, is there a way to change my username as he might be able to tell that it is me. Just wondering. If not, all is well.
Thank you for all the threads that you mentioned! They were really helpful!

thatbpguy · 01-04-2013, 05:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by goyard

Hi everyone! Thank you for all your responses. That was at 3:45am so I realized today that I hardly gave information! I just had a day to myself at the beach to contemplate! and actually relax!! these sleepless nights has to end soon!

The day I caught him, he made me read his skype conversations as well as yahoo. He showed me everything because I told him I need to know. I know others say that it is better not to know. But for me, I just NEED TO KNOW!
That night that we fought, his dad called. HE heard us fighting. So, the next day his dad called and talked to him about it. In a way, I am thankful because that night I caught him I was just in pain and I just couldn’t talk to him properly or look him in the eye. I would just scream and hit him and I just cried each time. The lines on those chats just kept (and til now) repeating in my head. His dad told him the consequences that may occur. He told him that he should stop his foolishness and that he should fix everything. I thanked his dad via email and he replied that he was willing to help anytime we needed his help. His dad is a man of few words so I never really talked to him before this. But, I am thankful he did that.
We talked that night his dad called and he outlined his mistakes. He also deleted the women from his contact list. As for skype, there is no way to delete your account nor the conversations. SO he makes me check them. I do know that the girl has stopped communicating as mentioned above. He told me he knows his mistakes. He knows he wants this to work.
On our first year of marriage we were really thinking of divorcing as I went through a lost of a best friend and didn’t feel that I loved him anymore. SO there were papers but it did not PUSH THROUGH. I was able to overcome this and realized that this is what I really wanted after year2. AS I said we’ve been married for 3 years and things have actually been ok! SO This whole thing was really DEVASTATING AND SHOCKING
As of now, I’ve decided to quit my job because I am going back to school but also because I feel if he has time to do all this then he can make extra money to pay for bills and mortgage. I know this is extreme but I want him to work for everything in this relationship. I am just not willing to go an extra mile to help him like Ive been doing all this time. I may be wrong in doing this. But I really am still mad and hurt.
I hope I’ve answered most questions. WE share only one laptop so all the users for logging in skype and yahoo are actually automatically displayed so I know there is no other accounts. We have both deactivated our facebook accounts since he said it’s best and he wants this to work. He has shared his passwords as well.
By the way, is there a way to change my username as he might be able to tell that it is me. Just wondering. If not, all is well.
Thank you for all the threads that you mentioned! They were really helpful!

You are a very wise person and the replies I have read are very good as well.

If he really seems to understand what he has done and has a strong desire to make things right I might suggest counseling- for him alone and for the two of you together. It does cost money, but it may also salvage the marriage.

I wish you the very best.

Hope1964 · 01-04-2013, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by goyard

As of now, I’ve decided to quit my job because I am going back to school but also because I feel if he has time to do all this then he can make extra money to pay for bills and mortgage.

I love it!!!

You will have to keep a close eye on him for a while, but it sounds like you're on the right track. Just realize that this is going to take a long time - maybe years - for you to heal from, and he'd better realize it too. I would suggest the two of you do a lot of reading about healing from infidelity, and counseling too, together and/or individually.

unbelievable · 01-04-2013, 11:01 AM

I like your plan but not your reasoning for it. I think punishment just has no place in a marriage and rarely works out well. But, his conduct naturally threatened your security for the future. Unable to depend on a future with him, it'd be only wise to prepare so you could support yourself if you had to. That might look like going to college if the end result meant a pay increase. Approached in this context, he wouldn't be working extra because he's been "bad" or he can't be trusted with free time. It would be simply because he's made choices that threaten his wife's security and he's helping her regain a sense of security.