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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-03-2013, 10:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New here. My story.

Me: 34
ExWife: 30
No kids.

Please, let me know your opinions: Here goes:

Met in July 2008. She lived 4 hours away and we did LDR for about 8 months until I found her a great "in" on a job in her field. She moved here around April 2009.

Upon meeting back in 2008 it was love at first sight. We both "just knew".

Relationship was GREAT for a long time. Never a fight. Got along just great. I proposed Nov. 2010. She was thrilled. Married Nov. 2011.

The past year of M hasn't been bad. But the affection on her part was gone. SOmething was amiss. Finally, Sept 2012 I sat her down and we talked. She was "unhappy" etc. She wanted out. Already had her plan to move to Florida (company HQ).

I tried to convince her of M counseling but no. She admitted going to see someone on her own for a few weeks already. Probably to help in the secret divorce planning.

I asked if there was someone else. "NO". Just wasn't like her anyway. Finally I cracked her cell phone's password.

What I found: emails to a MM (coworker from another plant location) DURING OUR HONEYMOON!!. Basically the ones I saw were W: I really really miss you. OM: Sending you a kiss on the cheek. How's antigua?"
She claims just friends.. but it's all bs. This MM lives 1000 miles away and apparently she flies to his plant location for work every now and then. EA at the least. He's married with kids and 45 years old.

Talked with a few of her coworkers back home here.. "yes, when they were together they were ultra flirtatious".

I then discovered small gifts she was sending him before engagement and even after M.. even on Vday.

Then found a text on her cell "fading out of my M and into someone at work" Her excuse (gaslighting): I meant fading into my work.. as in becoming more into her job. Ha.

So basically she moved out and is now living happily in Florda. This OM lives in MIssiouri, but now can fly down to company headquarters without a problem and see her. "Honey, i have to be out of town in Florida for work".

Just rec'd my divorce decree today.

Unreal.
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Old 01-03-2013, 10:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

Additional details:

1. red flags: still communicating with exflings about a month after meeting her. She said they were just back ups. (wow).
2. I can get info on books she buys (inside source). Last one was about a man who screws up all his relationships because of his cheating. Telling.
3. Upon me finding out about the cell phone/emails: She gets hysterical and tells me "there's something wrong with me...I can't be married". I think she may be a serial cheater.
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Old 01-03-2013, 10:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

That sucks, so sorry you are here. Welcome to the club no one ever wants to join.

Seems like you are ready to move on, and I would agree. That level of deceit at the outset of your marriage is a HUGE warning sign. And no kids yet means you need to get out and thank your lucky stars it happened this fast. I know it sounds weird, but learning all of this 2 kids and 6 years down the road would be a MUCH bigger mess with a lot more casualties.

My advice for your next step is to go nuclear. You need to inform the other man's wife what has been happening. Then you need to expose it to their work as well, preferably HR department. I also think you need to expose this to her family, and make sure you are honest with your family as well.

The need for exposure is real. The other man's wife deserves to know what she is married to. And your ex-wife needs to understand that her behavior is damaging to herself and those around her. She will have no chance of becoming a better person and finding happiness until she begins to understand that what she is doing and why. She can't do that until someone gives her the slap of reality she needs. So blow it up as your final parting gift to her. Plus, karma needs a little help sometimes.

While it is HIGHLY likely this has been physical for quite some time, any chance you can get proof of that before exposing? Maybe the other man's wife can help you snoop?

So two next steps:

1. Count your blessings.
2. Blow it up!
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Old 01-03-2013, 10:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

Some random observations:
  • She's not the kind of woman who can be committed to one man.
  • She has a sense of entitlement to share her soul and body with whom ever she wants, when she wants.
  • She doesn't love you, she was using you.
  • Long distance relationships don't work.
  • You have no kids, dump her
  • Expose her for the **** that she is
  • Next time, look closely at the person you plan on spending the rest of your life with
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"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"
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Old 01-03-2013, 10:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

Thank god you are out of that mess, work on yourself including IC , start exercising or working out and develop some old or new hobbies you are young enough that when the time is right the woman of your dreams will appear and take it slow

Good Luck
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryingtobreath View Post
Just rec'd my divorce decree today.
Good for you, you just saved yourself from a hellish life of deceit, and to top it off, she's 1000 miles away, it doesn't get any better than that. Forget you knew this person. Destroy pictures, remove her from contacts, Facebook, anything connected, erase her, she was a short, badly written chapter in your life.

T
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME, RIGHT? View Post
And your ex-wife needs to understand that her behavior is damaging to herself and those around her. She will have no chance of becoming a better person and finding happiness until she begins to understand that what she is doing and why. She can't do that until someone gives her the slap of reality she needs. So blow it up as your final parting gift to her. Plus, karma needs a little help sometimes.
I understand the desire to do the above, but I would advise against doing anything at all, you're out of her life, tinkering around with anything at all that involves her is a negative to your own well-being, let it go.

T
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:39 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony55 View Post
I understand the desire to do the above, but I would advise against doing anything at all, you're out of her life, tinkering around with anything at all that involves her is a negative to your own well-being, let it go.

T
I agree that the OP shouldn't be trying to exact any revenge on his ex-wife. However, I recommend that he try to protect an innocent wife and her children from living in complete ignorance of the evil the man of the house is doing under their noses.

If the OM were single, then I would agree to let it go.
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:55 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

and What if I told you....



you just dodged a bunch of bullets....



do you think this is unhappiness your feeling now?

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Old 01-03-2013, 12:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

Thanks for the support fellas (and ladies).

Funny thing is is that she is pretty high up as an HR benefits manager!

OM is a plant manager who is in charge of three different plants. This is quite a large publicly company we're talking here as well. As she is in charge of HIS benefits, there is quite a conflict that if the board of directors knew about, I'm sure they wouldn't be happy.

I SO very badly want to expose to the OMW, but I'm fearful of some sort of repurcussion in terms of defamation, etc. (i'm a lawyer so I get a tad nervous).

I really don't have much proof outside of the honeymoon emails being sent. I have zero proof of PA, even though it seems highly unlikely something didn't happen. This october she also came back from a business trip with a bunch of CD's he made for her as well. Trips are legit as she is in charge of giving benefits lectures to workers.

We are now divorced as well.

I guess the thing that irks me the most (besides the EXTREME betrayal) is that she just hops and moves, starting fresh. I'm stuck here in a small town answering all the questions. I live in the same house where she was, so everything reminds me of her. And she was a beautiful woman.

I guess I'm writing all this to get some of it all out.
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Old 01-03-2013, 12:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony55 View Post
Good for you, you just saved yourself from a hellish life of deceit, and to top it off, she's 1000 miles away, it doesn't get any better than that. Forget you knew this person. Destroy pictures, remove her from contacts, Facebook, anything connected, erase her, she was a short, badly written chapter in your life.

T
THIS.

This is what i'm focusing on now.

Weird thing is is that when she moved out, she took EVERYTHING with her that was indicia of our relationship. Pictures, cards, etc. I have NOTHING left to even show I knew this woman. This struck me as strange that she would do that. Almost like she tried to erase our existance.

And guys, i'm really not a bad guy at all. I'm attractive, make good money, am sweet, kind, more alpha than beta, etc.

I think what it boils down to is that she is an attention seeker that can't seem to say no to male attention. She told me that she's always had a hard time feeling accepted in relationships.
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Old 01-03-2013, 12:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryingtobreath View Post
And she was a beautiful woman.
Beautiful? lol. Hardly. She's a wreched, broken and repulsive creature. Easy on the eyes perhaps, but as far from beautiful as you'll find.
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Old 01-03-2013, 01:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

They cannot defame you for the truth. Now that you are done with divorce , Expose her to the HR and then find the OMW and tell her what you found. Tell them exactly what you found. Nothing more or nothing less.
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Old 01-03-2013, 01:17 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryingtobreath View Post
Funny thing is is that she is pretty high up as an HR benefits manager!

OM is a plant manager who is in charge of three different plants. This is quite a large publicly company we're talking here as well. As she is in charge of HIS benefits, there is quite a conflict that if the board of directors knew about, I'm sure they wouldn't be happy.
Methinks that the company would not like to see an "alienation of affection" suit brought against it because their employee (OM) interfered with your marriage.
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Old 01-03-2013, 01:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here. My story.

This kind of woman is simply no marriage material, they seek the high of the newness and when the first bright object (new OM) pops up she shift the focus immediately. She's permanently "open" to new higs. She acknowlege (I have problems). And she's a serial cheater, overlaping relationship is no problem at all.
The attention span of a squirrel. Sorta emotional ADD/ADHD.
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