Hello TAM. I guess I’m here because I need advice and don’t feel comfortable getting it anywhere else. I cannot make myself available to check this site often, so please be patient for me to respond to any questions.
The short version of my story is this: I was married young in my relational life, to my first love, my first kiss. We dated for over 2 years, it was rocky at best, but I knew nothing better. Then we got pregnant and we married right away. That was 12 years ago. I brought a lot of unresolved baggage into the relationship from my childhood like depression, I was sexual abused, and had a pornography addiction, but she was a fixer, which is what attracted us to each other. I carried my baggage into the marriage which made me bitter, short tempered, a pessimist, depressed, and an angry man. I hid my pornography addiction for most of our marriage, but two years ago I came clean with her. She was greatly hurt but forgave me and I promised to tell her the truth about my struggles to help me get over it.
The point I am trying to make is that I have not been a very good husband. My wife would beg and cry for me to change, but I would just get angrier, and spout out even deeper daggers. I was verbally abusive. I did not give her the respect she deserved. Mother’s Day 2012, we had a huge fight which basically ended with she wasn’t going to try to fix me anymore and I needed to go to counseling. We went to a few sessions with a marriage counselor, but I figured it wasn’t going to work for me and it was too much money and at the beginning of summer I stopped going.
Summer was tough; a lot of hurt feelings, arguments, and a distance growing between us. In late summer my extended family had a reunion in the Midwest (800 miles from our home) and we planned to make a family vacation out of it stooping at St. Louis and Memphis on the way home. A couple of weeks prior to leaving, she told me that she was not going with me and the kids. The day before I was to leave, she decided to come with me for the kids’ sake. I usually don’t do well with family vacations and tried to do better at this one, but I wasn’t very good. I felt distant from her.
In late August I decided that I truly needed help and cost was not going to be a barrier. I wanted to be a better husband and person. I found a counselor that I liked and started going at the beginning of September. Let me preface what I say next with my wife and I have very little common interest, we are defiantly opposites that attract. She is very social and I am an introvert who likes to stay at home.
On September 11th (of all days), she had a co-ed kickball game, which I was already uncomfortable with because it involved drinking and young, athletic, attractive men. She came home after the game and said that a couple of the girls were going to a local restaurant and she wanted to go. I said ok, and she showered and changed. What I found odd is that she was trying to hurry because “the girls” were already there, but she was the only one to come home and shower. She also kept asking if what she was wearing looked good. I thought she was dressing up a little too much for this restaurant and meeting a few girls after a kickball game which they would still be in their kickball clothes. (By the way, my wife is thin, fit, and very attractive and I am not, it doesn’t take much for her to look good). She left and I started watching a movie. But something did not sit well with me.
I used “Find iPhone” to locate her and she was nowhere near the restaurant. The restaurant was only 2 miles from our house so I drove up there quickly to find that it was completely dark and closed up for the night. To keep this short (this is getting hard to type out), I went to where her phone was and found her in bed with another man. I texted her to come home and raced to beat her home before she knew I was there so I could see if she would lie to me about where she had been. It took a while, but she finally admitted to having an affair that started in early July. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do.
We ended up trying to stay together and she broke off the affair. But we still struggle a lot with what we have done to each other; all the hurt and scars, some really deep. We continue to go to counseling every week, which our counselor says we are doing well and he believes we can have a better relationship once we fix things than we had before last year.
Here is what I struggle with:
1. She wants to keep this under wraps. She doesn’t want me to tell our parents or anyone else. This is hard because she has confided with her parents and some of our close friends (if there is such a thing anymore) before the affair of all the hurt I have caused in our marriage. I know I am and look like the bad guy. But I need someone to talk to and vent to, to help me deal with it and paying $150/hour once a week to a counselor is not enough. My family growing up never showed emotion or talked about hurt feeling, but I feel talking with my parents would help. Her parents are strong Christians and I can only think that their advice would be worthy. They have basically watched us grow up together since we were teenagers.
2. The emotional connection she had with this man (she says they loved each other) hurts me, but what hurts more is that I have never been with another woman physically (what I mean by this is that I understand that lusting over images of other women is not healthy to a relationship and is considered to be adultery, but I didn’t stick my **** where it wasn’t supposed to go) and now my mind is flooded with thoughts and images (since I saw it with my own eyes) of her and the other guy having sex. She took something away from me. I struggled enough with the sexual relations she had before we were together, and now I have to deal with this. Please tell me if I will ever get over this. I struggle with me being able to forgive her for the sex.
3. I feel like our love for each other has been broken and will never be like it was in the good times. I am choosing to stay with her because I truly believe she makes me a better person. She says that she wants to be with me, but I feel like she is staying because of all we have invested: 12+ years, 2 kids, house, good life, etc. and not because I will make her happy. Through all of this I have learned how much I have hurt her over the years and how unhappy she is with me. We have been really good at putting on fake smiles outside the home. But now she has had a glimpse of what happiness can look like, but she won’t take it because she doesn’t want to hurt the kids or me, and doesn’t want to be the one who leaves. I don’t want to go through this process of repair if she is still not going to be happy with me. I honestly feel like she deserves to be happy, and it will break my heart, but if that is not with me, then she needs to go where she is happy. At times I feel like I should just be the bad guy and leave so that she doesn’t waste any more of her life on me. I struggle with me being able to change enough for her.
I wish I could turn back the clock and start it all over with what I know now. Even 12 months would be life changing. I’m not sure why God allowed this to happen, but not I’ve got to figure out how to move on. I don’t know why I do the things I do. Zach Brown Band on repeat is how I feel right now.
Thanks for letting me vent and get my feeling on “paper”. I really need to know if any husband has made their marriage work after their wife has had an affair. I want to know if there is any hope. Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?
The short version of my story is this: I was married young in my relational life, to my first love, my first kiss. We dated for over 2 years, it was rocky at best, but I knew nothing better. Then we got pregnant and we married right away. That was 12 years ago. I brought a lot of unresolved baggage into the relationship from my childhood like depression, I was sexual abused, and had a pornography addiction, but she was a fixer, which is what attracted us to each other. I carried my baggage into the marriage which made me bitter, short tempered, a pessimist, depressed, and an angry man. I hid my pornography addiction for most of our marriage, but two years ago I came clean with her. She was greatly hurt but forgave me and I promised to tell her the truth about my struggles to help me get over it.
The point I am trying to make is that I have not been a very good husband. My wife would beg and cry for me to change, but I would just get angrier, and spout out even deeper daggers. I was verbally abusive. I did not give her the respect she deserved. Mother’s Day 2012, we had a huge fight which basically ended with she wasn’t going to try to fix me anymore and I needed to go to counseling. We went to a few sessions with a marriage counselor, but I figured it wasn’t going to work for me and it was too much money and at the beginning of summer I stopped going.
Summer was tough; a lot of hurt feelings, arguments, and a distance growing between us. In late summer my extended family had a reunion in the Midwest (800 miles from our home) and we planned to make a family vacation out of it stooping at St. Louis and Memphis on the way home. A couple of weeks prior to leaving, she told me that she was not going with me and the kids. The day before I was to leave, she decided to come with me for the kids’ sake. I usually don’t do well with family vacations and tried to do better at this one, but I wasn’t very good. I felt distant from her.
In late August I decided that I truly needed help and cost was not going to be a barrier. I wanted to be a better husband and person. I found a counselor that I liked and started going at the beginning of September. Let me preface what I say next with my wife and I have very little common interest, we are defiantly opposites that attract. She is very social and I am an introvert who likes to stay at home.
On September 11th (of all days), she had a co-ed kickball game, which I was already uncomfortable with because it involved drinking and young, athletic, attractive men. She came home after the game and said that a couple of the girls were going to a local restaurant and she wanted to go. I said ok, and she showered and changed. What I found odd is that she was trying to hurry because “the girls” were already there, but she was the only one to come home and shower. She also kept asking if what she was wearing looked good. I thought she was dressing up a little too much for this restaurant and meeting a few girls after a kickball game which they would still be in their kickball clothes. (By the way, my wife is thin, fit, and very attractive and I am not, it doesn’t take much for her to look good). She left and I started watching a movie. But something did not sit well with me.
I used “Find iPhone” to locate her and she was nowhere near the restaurant. The restaurant was only 2 miles from our house so I drove up there quickly to find that it was completely dark and closed up for the night. To keep this short (this is getting hard to type out), I went to where her phone was and found her in bed with another man. I texted her to come home and raced to beat her home before she knew I was there so I could see if she would lie to me about where she had been. It took a while, but she finally admitted to having an affair that started in early July. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do.
We ended up trying to stay together and she broke off the affair. But we still struggle a lot with what we have done to each other; all the hurt and scars, some really deep. We continue to go to counseling every week, which our counselor says we are doing well and he believes we can have a better relationship once we fix things than we had before last year.
Here is what I struggle with:
1. She wants to keep this under wraps. She doesn’t want me to tell our parents or anyone else. This is hard because she has confided with her parents and some of our close friends (if there is such a thing anymore) before the affair of all the hurt I have caused in our marriage. I know I am and look like the bad guy. But I need someone to talk to and vent to, to help me deal with it and paying $150/hour once a week to a counselor is not enough. My family growing up never showed emotion or talked about hurt feeling, but I feel talking with my parents would help. Her parents are strong Christians and I can only think that their advice would be worthy. They have basically watched us grow up together since we were teenagers.
2. The emotional connection she had with this man (she says they loved each other) hurts me, but what hurts more is that I have never been with another woman physically (what I mean by this is that I understand that lusting over images of other women is not healthy to a relationship and is considered to be adultery, but I didn’t stick my **** where it wasn’t supposed to go) and now my mind is flooded with thoughts and images (since I saw it with my own eyes) of her and the other guy having sex. She took something away from me. I struggled enough with the sexual relations she had before we were together, and now I have to deal with this. Please tell me if I will ever get over this. I struggle with me being able to forgive her for the sex.
3. I feel like our love for each other has been broken and will never be like it was in the good times. I am choosing to stay with her because I truly believe she makes me a better person. She says that she wants to be with me, but I feel like she is staying because of all we have invested: 12+ years, 2 kids, house, good life, etc. and not because I will make her happy. Through all of this I have learned how much I have hurt her over the years and how unhappy she is with me. We have been really good at putting on fake smiles outside the home. But now she has had a glimpse of what happiness can look like, but she won’t take it because she doesn’t want to hurt the kids or me, and doesn’t want to be the one who leaves. I don’t want to go through this process of repair if she is still not going to be happy with me. I honestly feel like she deserves to be happy, and it will break my heart, but if that is not with me, then she needs to go where she is happy. At times I feel like I should just be the bad guy and leave so that she doesn’t waste any more of her life on me. I struggle with me being able to change enough for her.
I wish I could turn back the clock and start it all over with what I know now. Even 12 months would be life changing. I’m not sure why God allowed this to happen, but not I’ve got to figure out how to move on. I don’t know why I do the things I do. Zach Brown Band on repeat is how I feel right now.
Thanks for letting me vent and get my feeling on “paper”. I really need to know if any husband has made their marriage work after their wife has had an affair. I want to know if there is any hope. Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?