Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree20Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-03-2013, 11:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Default Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Hello TAM. I guess Iím here because I need advice and donít feel comfortable getting it anywhere else. I cannot make myself available to check this site often, so please be patient for me to respond to any questions.

The short version of my story is this: I was married young in my relational life, to my first love, my first kiss. We dated for over 2 years, it was rocky at best, but I knew nothing better. Then we got pregnant and we married right away. That was 12 years ago. I brought a lot of unresolved baggage into the relationship from my childhood like depression, I was sexual abused, and had a pornography addiction, but she was a fixer, which is what attracted us to each other. I carried my baggage into the marriage which made me bitter, short tempered, a pessimist, depressed, and an angry man. I hid my pornography addiction for most of our marriage, but two years ago I came clean with her. She was greatly hurt but forgave me and I promised to tell her the truth about my struggles to help me get over it.

The point I am trying to make is that I have not been a very good husband. My wife would beg and cry for me to change, but I would just get angrier, and spout out even deeper daggers. I was verbally abusive. I did not give her the respect she deserved. Motherís Day 2012, we had a huge fight which basically ended with she wasnít going to try to fix me anymore and I needed to go to counseling. We went to a few sessions with a marriage counselor, but I figured it wasnít going to work for me and it was too much money and at the beginning of summer I stopped going.

Summer was tough; a lot of hurt feelings, arguments, and a distance growing between us. In late summer my extended family had a reunion in the Midwest (800 miles from our home) and we planned to make a family vacation out of it stooping at St. Louis and Memphis on the way home. A couple of weeks prior to leaving, she told me that she was not going with me and the kids. The day before I was to leave, she decided to come with me for the kidsí sake. I usually donít do well with family vacations and tried to do better at this one, but I wasnít very good. I felt distant from her.

In late August I decided that I truly needed help and cost was not going to be a barrier. I wanted to be a better husband and person. I found a counselor that I liked and started going at the beginning of September. Let me preface what I say next with my wife and I have very little common interest, we are defiantly opposites that attract. She is very social and I am an introvert who likes to stay at home.

On September 11th (of all days), she had a co-ed kickball game, which I was already uncomfortable with because it involved drinking and young, athletic, attractive men. She came home after the game and said that a couple of the girls were going to a local restaurant and she wanted to go. I said ok, and she showered and changed. What I found odd is that she was trying to hurry because ďthe girlsĒ were already there, but she was the only one to come home and shower. She also kept asking if what she was wearing looked good. I thought she was dressing up a little too much for this restaurant and meeting a few girls after a kickball game which they would still be in their kickball clothes. (By the way, my wife is thin, fit, and very attractive and I am not, it doesnít take much for her to look good). She left and I started watching a movie. But something did not sit well with me.

I used ďFind iPhoneĒ to locate her and she was nowhere near the restaurant. The restaurant was only 2 miles from our house so I drove up there quickly to find that it was completely dark and closed up for the night. To keep this short (this is getting hard to type out), I went to where her phone was and found her in bed with another man. I texted her to come home and raced to beat her home before she knew I was there so I could see if she would lie to me about where she had been. It took a while, but she finally admitted to having an affair that started in early July. I was in shock and didnít know what to do.

We ended up trying to stay together and she broke off the affair. But we still struggle a lot with what we have done to each other; all the hurt and scars, some really deep. We continue to go to counseling every week, which our counselor says we are doing well and he believes we can have a better relationship once we fix things than we had before last year.

Here is what I struggle with:

1. She wants to keep this under wraps. She doesnít want me to tell our parents or anyone else. This is hard because she has confided with her parents and some of our close friends (if there is such a thing anymore) before the affair of all the hurt I have caused in our marriage. I know I am and look like the bad guy. But I need someone to talk to and vent to, to help me deal with it and paying $150/hour once a week to a counselor is not enough. My family growing up never showed emotion or talked about hurt feeling, but I feel talking with my parents would help. Her parents are strong Christians and I can only think that their advice would be worthy. They have basically watched us grow up together since we were teenagers.

2. The emotional connection she had with this man (she says they loved each other) hurts me, but what hurts more is that I have never been with another woman physically (what I mean by this is that I understand that lusting over images of other women is not healthy to a relationship and is considered to be adultery, but I didnít stick my **** where it wasnít supposed to go) and now my mind is flooded with thoughts and images (since I saw it with my own eyes) of her and the other guy having sex. She took something away from me. I struggled enough with the sexual relations she had before we were together, and now I have to deal with this. Please tell me if I will ever get over this. I struggle with me being able to forgive her for the sex.

3. I feel like our love for each other has been broken and will never be like it was in the good times. I am choosing to stay with her because I truly believe she makes me a better person. She says that she wants to be with me, but I feel like she is staying because of all we have invested: 12+ years, 2 kids, house, good life, etc. and not because I will make her happy. Through all of this I have learned how much I have hurt her over the years and how unhappy she is with me. We have been really good at putting on fake smiles outside the home. But now she has had a glimpse of what happiness can look like, but she wonít take it because she doesnít want to hurt the kids or me, and doesnít want to be the one who leaves. I donít want to go through this process of repair if she is still not going to be happy with me. I honestly feel like she deserves to be happy, and it will break my heart, but if that is not with me, then she needs to go where she is happy. At times I feel like I should just be the bad guy and leave so that she doesnít waste any more of her life on me. I struggle with me being able to change enough for her.

I wish I could turn back the clock and start it all over with what I know now. Even 12 months would be life changing. Iím not sure why God allowed this to happen, but not Iíve got to figure out how to move on. I donít know why I do the things I do. Zach Brown Band on repeat is how I feel right now.

Thanks for letting me vent and get my feeling on ďpaperĒ. I really need to know if any husband has made their marriage work after their wife has had an affair. I want to know if there is any hope. Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?
thismanhere is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-03-2013, 12:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
naga75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 634
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

its not a waste of time if you BOTH want it and are willing to put forth the effort (as in 110%) of rebuilding your marriage.
if you are, and your wife isnt, then yes...it is a waste of time.
you are correct, it will never be like "the good old days". that marriage is gone. a new one has to be built. this was one of the hardest things for me to actually understand in my situation. i wished for the good old days for so long...but then, when i REALLY examined "the good old days"...turns out they werent so good after all.
you say you struggle with you being able to "change enough for her".
lemme tell ya man, that aint EVER gonna work. you have to change for YOURSELF.
seeing her having sex with another man, i cant tell yo if you will ever get over that. i wouldnt. thats just me. i have a hard enough time "gettting over" their explicit texts and KNOWING they had sex. had i seen them with my own eyes...nah, dont think so. once agai, thats just me.
you are ABSOLUTELY correct that she wants to keep it under wraps, and she wants to do so for her own selfish reasons. its because she does not wnat to ruin her "image", but more importantly it is because exposure would FORCE her to be accountable to those she holds in high regard. of course she doesnt want that, she has been able to be unaccountable for her affair since july.
in my situation i told whomever i thought could help me through it. who she wanted me to tell or not tell was irrelevant. thats your decision to make.
welcome, unfortunately, and good luck.
naga75 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 12:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 7,865
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Actually, from the way you describe your marriage and her desire to stay with you, if you both work at it there is no reason you can't have a better marriage. If you just want what you had you will just get more of what you have got.

It is unfortunate that some people worry about previous sex partners. When people are in love and both partners make an effort to learn and improve the sex is great.

The brain isn't made to remember the sex act. You cannot remember the physical part of the act. Supposedly that is hard wired in your brain so that you will go back for more. That's not to say you can't remember having sex with someone or that it was good or not.

What you need is confidence. You should be able to get that on your own and with counseling.

As an example, I have no idea about anything from my wifes sex life before I met her. She is with me and thats good enough. She seems well pleased.
Chaparral is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 12:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
naga75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 634
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

in my case, i dont think the fact that my wife had sex with people previous to meeting me bothers me at all. it never has. i actually became quite good friends with one of her ex-boyfriends.
it doesnt haunt me that OM could have been better and all that crap, she and i both are sexually satisfied now, with one another. and those kinds of thoughts, i can see how they would drive someone crazy.
its the fact that she had sex with someone else while married to me. that is the hang up i have/had, and i think that is more what the op means.
naga75 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 12:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Spain
Posts: 4,157
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by thismanhere View Post
1. She wants to keep this under wraps. She doesnít want me to tell our parents or anyone else. This is hard because she has confided with her parents and some of our close friends (if there is such a thing anymore) before the affair of all the hurt I have caused in our marriage. I know I am and look like the bad guy. But I need someone to talk to and vent to, to help me deal with it and paying $150/hour once a week to a counselor is not enough. My family growing up never showed emotion or talked about hurt feeling, but I feel talking with my parents would help. Her parents are strong Christians and I can only think that their advice would be worthy. They have basically watched us grow up together since we were teenagers.
I thik is a bad idea involve ILs into the healing process. Once the sh1it hit the fun it's unlikely they will be aviable for you. I think you are a little in denial about it.
You really need someone to help you heal IRL, that's for sure but ILs are not a good match for it.
Given you are the introvcerted type ad I asume, very little friends maybe you can seek a meeting of BeyondAffairs.

On the other hand her demand to not being accountable to anyone except for you (who busted her red handed) is worrisome. She needs a huge amount of humility, she needs to come clean to her parents and admit she's not perfect either.
With no humility, there's no way to fix a thing after infidelity.
You are showing a huge amunt of it. She's not.

There's a way to improve the marraige. Visit marriagebuilders website. Suggest her to get both on board to make a plan to restore or build the new marriage by implementing the concepts: read the books, fill the questionaires...

I'm sorry man.
__________________
Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos
Acabado is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 01:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 7,865
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

This may help, sorry its long fo a post. Print this off and study it WITH your wife.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!
Chaparral is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 01:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 7,865
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Your wife does not realize how much you are hurting, the wayward spouse instructions will help.

This is the hard part. What are you doing to verify the affair has not gone undergrond?

VAR in car underseat, checking phone/texts/emails at online accts?

Great work with the GPS, keep using it.
Chaparral is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 01:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 7,865
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

You also need to do this, ust let her go.

Originally Posted by marduk
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Chaparral is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 01:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 250
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by thismanhere View Post
Hello TAM. I guess I’m here because I need advice and don’t feel comfortable getting it anywhere else. I cannot make myself available to check this site often, so please be patient for me to respond to any questions.

The short version of my story is this: I was married young in my relational life, to my first love, my first kiss. We dated for over 2 years, it was rocky at best, but I knew nothing better. Then we got pregnant and we married right away. That was 12 years ago. I brought a lot of unresolved baggage into the relationship from my childhood like depression, I was sexual abused, and had a pornography addiction, but she was a fixer, which is what attracted us to each other. I carried my baggage into the marriage which made me bitter, short tempered, a pessimist, depressed, and an angry man. I hid my pornography addiction for most of our marriage, but two years ago I came clean with her. She was greatly hurt but forgave me and I promised to tell her the truth about my struggles to help me get over it.

The point I am trying to make is that I have not been a very good husband. My wife would beg and cry for me to change, but I would just get angrier, and spout out even deeper daggers. I was verbally abusive. I did not give her the respect she deserved. Mother’s Day 2012, we had a huge fight which basically ended with she wasn’t going to try to fix me anymore and I needed to go to counseling. We went to a few sessions with a marriage counselor, but I figured it wasn’t going to work for me and it was too much money and at the beginning of summer I stopped going.

Summer was tough; a lot of hurt feelings, arguments, and a distance growing between us. In late summer my extended family had a reunion in the Midwest (800 miles from our home) and we planned to make a family vacation out of it stooping at St. Louis and Memphis on the way home. A couple of weeks prior to leaving, she told me that she was not going with me and the kids. The day before I was to leave, she decided to come with me for the kids’ sake. I usually don’t do well with family vacations and tried to do better at this one, but I wasn’t very good. I felt distant from her.

In late August I decided that I truly needed help and cost was not going to be a barrier. I wanted to be a better husband and person. I found a counselor that I liked and started going at the beginning of September. Let me preface what I say next with my wife and I have very little common interest, we are defiantly opposites that attract. She is very social and I am an introvert who likes to stay at home.

On September 11th (of all days), she had a co-ed kickball game, which I was already uncomfortable with because it involved drinking and young, athletic, attractive men. She came home after the game and said that a couple of the girls were going to a local restaurant and she wanted to go. I said ok, and she showered and changed. What I found odd is that she was trying to hurry because “the girls” were already there, but she was the only one to come home and shower. She also kept asking if what she was wearing looked good. I thought she was dressing up a little too much for this restaurant and meeting a few girls after a kickball game which they would still be in their kickball clothes. (By the way, my wife is thin, fit, and very attractive and I am not, it doesn’t take much for her to look good). She left and I started watching a movie. But something did not sit well with me.

I used “Find iPhone” to locate her and she was nowhere near the restaurant. The restaurant was only 2 miles from our house so I drove up there quickly to find that it was completely dark and closed up for the night. To keep this short (this is getting hard to type out), I went to where her phone was and found her in bed with another man. I texted her to come home and raced to beat her home before she knew I was there so I could see if she would lie to me about where she had been. It took a while, but she finally admitted to having an affair that started in early July. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do.

We ended up trying to stay together and she broke off the affair. But we still struggle a lot with what we have done to each other; all the hurt and scars, some really deep. We continue to go to counseling every week, which our counselor says we are doing well and he believes we can have a better relationship once we fix things than we had before last year.

Here is what I struggle with:

1. She wants to keep this under wraps. She doesn’t want me to tell our parents or anyone else. This is hard because she has confided with her parents and some of our close friends (if there is such a thing anymore) before the affair of all the hurt I have caused in our marriage. I know I am and look like the bad guy. But I need someone to talk to and vent to, to help me deal with it and paying $150/hour once a week to a counselor is not enough. My family growing up never showed emotion or talked about hurt feeling, but I feel talking with my parents would help. Her parents are strong Christians and I can only think that their advice would be worthy. They have basically watched us grow up together since we were teenagers.

2. The emotional connection she had with this man (she says they loved each other) hurts me, but what hurts more is that I have never been with another woman physically (what I mean by this is that I understand that lusting over images of other women is not healthy to a relationship and is considered to be adultery, but I didn’t stick my **** where it wasn’t supposed to go) and now my mind is flooded with thoughts and images (since I saw it with my own eyes) of her and the other guy having sex. She took something away from me. I struggled enough with the sexual relations she had before we were together, and now I have to deal with this. Please tell me if I will ever get over this. I struggle with me being able to forgive her for the sex.

3. I feel like our love for each other has been broken and will never be like it was in the good times. I am choosing to stay with her because I truly believe she makes me a better person. She says that she wants to be with me, but I feel like she is staying because of all we have invested: 12+ years, 2 kids, house, good life, etc. and not because I will make her happy. Through all of this I have learned how much I have hurt her over the years and how unhappy she is with me. We have been really good at putting on fake smiles outside the home. But now she has had a glimpse of what happiness can look like, but she won’t take it because she doesn’t want to hurt the kids or me, and doesn’t want to be the one who leaves. I don’t want to go through this process of repair if she is still not going to be happy with me. I honestly feel like she deserves to be happy, and it will break my heart, but if that is not with me, then she needs to go where she is happy. At times I feel like I should just be the bad guy and leave so that she doesn’t waste any more of her life on me. I struggle with me being able to change enough for her.

I wish I could turn back the clock and start it all over with what I know now. Even 12 months would be life changing. I’m not sure why God allowed this to happen, but not I’ve got to figure out how to move on. I don’t know why I do the things I do. Zach Brown Band on repeat is how I feel right now.

Thanks for letting me vent and get my feeling on “paper”. I really need to know if any husband has made their marriage work after their wife has had an affair. I want to know if there is any hope. Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?
Allow me to translate for you. Your wife wants what all confronted cheaters want: to maintain her good name. You see, cheaters have two great losses when initially confronted. The third, incidentally, is the loss of family, which is also germane to your post. The first is the loss of the illicit relationship and the emotional/physical gratification that comes with it. You see, as far as your wife is concerned, you are the other man. I've always maintained that, with the exception of cuckoldry, woman are essentially monogamous emotionally. That means that if she has feelings of a spousal nature for another man, she doesn't have them for you.

The second loss is her self-image, and social image, as a good, faithful wife. This is further compounded by the fact that she's outed you previously and wanted to maintain her victim status an all of the acclaim that comes with it. She definitely does not want to be seen as being cut from the same cloth. She will guard this jealously and will slander your good name to anyone that will listen to keep it.

Keep this in mind when making a decision.

- JM
JMGrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 01:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
naga75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 634
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JMGrey View Post
The first is the loss of the illicit relationship and the emotional/physical gratification that comes with it. You see, as far as your wife is concerned, you are the other man. I've always maintained that, with the exception of cuckoldry, woman are essentially monogamous emotionally. That means that if she has feelings of a spousal nature for another man, she doesn't have them for you.

The second loss is her self-image, and social image, as a good, faithful wife. This is further compounded by the fact that she's outed you previously and wanted to maintain her victim status an all of the acclaim that comes with it. She definitely does not want to be seen as being cut from the same cloth. She will guard this jealously and will slander your good name to anyone that will listen to keep it.

Keep this in mind when making a decision.

- JM
yes!
i remember the texts and emails my wife and OM sent each other...they referred to me as "him" or "he". always. never by my name. like i was the third wheel or the other man. which i guess i was.
that really hurt me. A LOT.
and yes because of my previous transgressions and people knowing about it, you are DEAD ON...she didnt want to lose her victim status and become the crappy wife to compliment me, the crappy husband.
very well said.
naga75 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 01:58 PM   #11 (permalink)
CH
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,551
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Bottle it up and we'll see you here again in a couple of years asking how you stayed with such a horrible person. This after the resentment and hatred has eaten the last bit of humanity you have left inside of you.

If you need exposure to heal, then that's what you need. If she won't help you heal and wants to rug sweep, let her go.

Rug sweep = As Arnold would say "I'll be back."
CH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 03:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 239
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JMGrey View Post

woman are essentially monogamous emotionally. That means that if she has feelings of a spousal nature for another man, she doesn't have them for you.

- JM
This is true and that is the reason you can easily detect woman's infidelity by observing her behavior. And in my case, once the affair fog was over, the AP was no more important. If you've long term relationship with your WS, then AP is just a stop-gap arrangement for WS, what I mean is that, WS will come back to you once the fog disappears.
John2012 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 03:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 1,007
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

I did not expose at first and if cost me. I think you really need to make sure the A is dead and to do that you have to expose to the light of day. Her family, your family. This POS OM is he married? if yes she should know what has happened.

You need the MC it is a must if you are going to R but get it all out there and make sure this thing is really stamped out.

No more her going out with the girls either. Keep up the GPS, get a keylogger and a VAR and follow up on things. The trust is gone and you need to build everything again from scratch.
mahike is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 03:52 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 250
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by John2012 View Post
This is true and that is the reason you can easily detect woman's infidelity by observing her behavior. And in my case, once the affair fog was over, the AP was no more important. If you've long term relationship with your WS, then AP is just a stop-gap arrangement for WS, what I mean is that, WS will come back to you once the fog disappears.
I agree with that to a point, insofar as a WS has the ability to re-engage with the BS. However, I believe it just as likely, if not more, that the feelings of spousal intimacy will be transferred to yet another OM. It's hardly profound to say that a woman's emotional psyche is basically composed of her desire to be desired and her desire to nurture. The excitation of the former, combined with the thrill of the illicit relationships, is why the affair provokes such a powerful drive. Very often, when I hear a WW assert that she still has feelings for her husband, I believe that what she means is that she still has the desire to nurture her BH. This essentially sexless relationship is co-equal to that of a mother and child and, since such a relationship does not require emotional exclusivity, allows her to believe, however falsely, that she can love two men at the same time.
JMGrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 03:58 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 239
Default Re: Should I hold on to what we've got, or is it just a waste of time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JMGrey View Post
It's hardly profound to say that a woman's emotional psyche is basically composed of her desire to be desired and her desire to nurture.
Correctly said, her desire to be desired is very powerful emotion for a woman.

Last edited by John2012; 01-03-2013 at 04:04 PM.
John2012 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Separated 6 months...big waste of time onceagain Considering Divorce or Separation 4 08-19-2011 11:37 PM
Feels like a waste of time ! katie jane Experiences in Counseling 8 05-13-2010 10:24 AM
Is it all a waste of time? Figs Going Through Divorce or Separation 0 12-04-2009 06:19 AM
Seemed like a waste of time HusbandFatherSonBrother Experiences in Counseling 15 03-25-2009 11:18 AM
don't waste your time !! MBJOE Coping with Infidelity 7 11-23-2008 11:31 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:00 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage