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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-03-2013, 12:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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ok yeah so i have laid out a lot of my story here for my advisors on TAM.
now, i want to ask a question.
my wifes 2 year affair ended (finally and absolutely) in june.
i have been toying with posting POSOM on cheaterville.
just to stir the pot i think, or really just to be a d!ck. thats just how i roll.
its really p!sses me off that, essentially, he got away with what he did. and now that its been a few months i figure he probably thinks i have forgotten about him and has gotten comfortable in his life again.
im sorry, he had a hand in wrecking my marriage. i dont really want his life to be comfortable.
i just want him to realize, once again, that i am smarter than he is. lol. petty?
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Old 01-03-2013, 12:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I would not do it. While it might give you a moments pleasure, it does not solve the problem. Sometimes people get away with their bad behavior. That is just the nature of the world.

And sadly if you are going to put POSOM on there, then you need to put your wife on there too. I don't think you really want to do that right?

The good news is that the affair is over. Now it is time to either work on your marriage or leave.
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Old 01-03-2013, 12:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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There is no moratorium on when to stop exposing the OM. Do people know what he is, are his parents and friends aware he is a predator on your marriage. You have no certainty that he will keep away from your wife or another married woman until he feels the consequences. As long as the details of the affair are true then "yes" cheatersville is one of the options you should use. Thereafter move on with your life and focus on your marriage.

Never let a person who has caused such damage to your family walk away safe in the knowledge that there are no consequences for their behaviour. You will be saving another marriage , people should know what he is. Its has nothing to do with revenge it has everything to do with ensuring there is no going back to the affair for your wife , and it can be therapeutic for you to take action to protect your marriage. Do not say anything to your wife until sometime after and keep to the facts.

Don't be dissuade by comments that you should post your wife there, thats not for you to do its for the OM's wife or significant other to do.

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Old 01-03-2013, 12:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by naga75 View Post
ok yeah so i have laid out a lot of my story here for my advisors on TAM.
now, i want to ask a question.
my wifes 2 year affair ended (finally and absolutely) in june.
i have been toying with posting POSOM on cheaterville.
just to stir the pot i think, or really just to be a d!ck. thats just how i roll.
its really p!sses me off that, essentially, he got away with what he did. and now that its been a few months i figure he probably thinks i have forgotten about him and has gotten comfortable in his life again.
im sorry, he had a hand in wrecking my marriage. i dont really want his life to be comfortable.
i just want him to realize, once again, that i am smarter than he is. lol. petty?
Out his ass, good sir. Maximum carnage. If you don't, he's going to continue to wreck marriages and families. Not only would I post him on cheaterville (and any other cheater directories I could find) I would BCC any contacts of his (family, friends, colleagues, religious associations) the profile on cheaterville and as much of your story as you feel comfortable divulging to complete strangers. Don't leave him a corner where he can hide or dissemble.
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Old 01-03-2013, 12:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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And sadly if you are going to put POSOM on there, then you need to put your wife on there too. I don't think you really want to do that right?
well, actually i really dont think thats necessary. my wife has dealt with my wrath and suffered consequences for her actions.
she has to live with me and deal with my moods and brooding and all of that stuff (which is actually starting to dissipate finally). she has witnessed first-hand the devastation she brought upon our marriage and her husband. she has had to see our friends and family that know and deal with that. she knows. she has faced the consequence of her action. as much consequence as i am willing to give her and trust me it has not been a constant six months of pleasantness and forgiveness from me.
POSOM, not so much.
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Old 01-03-2013, 01:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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well, actually i really dont think thats necessary. my wife has dealt with my wrath and suffered consequences for her actions.
she has to live with me and deal with my moods and brooding and all of that stuff (which is actually starting to dissipate finally). she has witnessed first-hand the devastation she brought upon our marriage and her husband. she has had to see our friends and family that know and deal with that. she knows. she has faced the consequence of her action. as much consequence as i am willing to give her and trust me it has not been a constant six months of pleasantness and forgiveness from me.
POSOM, not so much.
While she has experienced your "wrath" in your personal life ie friends and family.....Cheaterville is a very public domain. My point was if you are going to put his dirty laundry out for anyone to see, you have to do the same for your wife.

Trust me, I thought about doing this too. The only thing that stopped me was knowing what my FWH has suffered through already.

Think about it this way....if it was not him, it would have been someone else. Your wife was weak and looking for the attention. It would be the same with my FWH. Otherwise she would not have had the affair. Knowing the name of the POSOM is just a by product.
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Old 01-03-2013, 01:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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actually, i see your point.
but no, i dont have to do anything i do "for him" to my wife.
i was gonna push his face in, until his wife begged me not to and i came to my senses. never really thought of hurting the wifey.
i have to respect my wife, even now. and she has earned it and continues to do so IMO.
POSOM, well he hasnt earned anything from me. nothing. except whatever fate decides to hand him. by my hand or another. i dont owe him the favor or consideration of not outing him. my wife, i can make that argument. him, no way. so while i can certainly see where you are coming from i do not necessarily agree with how you arrived to it. once again, all opinions here and yours is welcome.
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Old 01-03-2013, 01:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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i have a draft ready for cv, anyone wanna read it?
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Old 01-03-2013, 02:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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i have a draft ready for cv, anyone wanna read it?
Nope.

Stick to the facts only, follow logic and remove any emotion. Take a few days drafting the words and when ready take action.
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Old 01-03-2013, 02:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Nope.

Stick to the facts only, follow logic and remove any emotion. Take a few days drafting the words and when ready take action.
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Ok that is a good idea, to remove the emotion. Its rather insulting.
Cold and calculating, i think youre right that would be even better.
Thanks.
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Old 01-03-2013, 02:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Is he married? Did you contact his wife? If so then leave it at that.

The blame lies on your wife 100%, the OM didn't contribute to the affair. All it needed was your wife to say no. If you need someone to take it out on, you've got the wrong person in your cross-hairs.

People unless the OM/OW put a gun to your spouse/SO head and told them to cheat they did not contribute to the affair.

No, I'm married.
No, I'm with someone right now.

That's all they needed to say and they didn't so it's 100% your spouses fault and no one elses IMO. Blaming others is just a way to protect the image of your spouse so you can look them in the face and not feel liking puking all over them or worse.

You screwed up my life, you destroyed my family, you don't deserve what you have now, etc...

Guess what, those should be directed at your wife, the OM didn't do any of that, it was all on your wife. Let go of the anger if your wife has started to be the wife you've always wanted.

NOBODY ELSE IS TO BLAME BUT YOUR CHEATING SPOUSE, end of discussion and I'm the damn cheater in my marriage.

If I had just said, NO I wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be here if your wife had said NO also.
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Old 01-03-2013, 02:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Be prepared that if you expose the OM on Cheaterville - that in time the betrayed spouse of the OM will too expose your spouse in the very same way. I'm mean really - your spouse harmed her as much as the OM harmed you.

Expose the affair to the other spouse.. beyond that.. move on.

There was much I wanted to do in the first 6-9 months post d-day with my H and his OW... I'm grateful that I got a ton of support not to do things permanently online - years later I can see that anything that I did to punish his OW online (like cheaterville) would also harm my H which would ultimately take away from the progress we made in our reconciliation.

I vote no.
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Old 01-03-2013, 02:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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naga75 - you need some way to give yourself some closure. The affair and cheating is your wife's responsibility, but agree the POSOM should not get away scott free. That's my belief.

If exposing the POSOM is the way, then do it and move on. If there's another way - do that and move on. But do whatever you have to do to get some closure and then move on. Don't get your hopes up that exposing the guy will bring you to closure - just be realistic that it is just one small step in your recovery. In my case, i contacted the POSOM when I learned, after the fact, that my wife's EA had actually been a PA. Did I get satisfaction? A little - but less than I thought. Did it help me to move on? Yes. Because if I hadn't contacted the POSOM, I would always be thinking I should have.
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Old 01-03-2013, 03:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I'm in a similar boat to yours naga75. I've been debating a while on whether to post the POSOM on cheaterville. And believe me, if there was ever a POSOM that deserved it, it's him. His wife too for that matter. This guy held a fairly prominent position before he retired recently and OH how I would love to bust his chops.

However, I'm 15 months in R and I've probably waited too long. I now worry about the consequences to our R, including the POSOM's wife doing the same thing to my wife. I doubt that would help with our marriage.

I've always thought that if I wind up divorcing her, that posting him would be the first thing on my to do list. But who knows, maybe I'll change my mind.

Glad to see a discussion about this.

Last edited by badmemory; 01-03-2013 at 03:20 PM.
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:33 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Be prepared that if you expose the OM on Cheaterville - that in time the betrayed spouse of the OM will too expose your spouse in the very same way. I'm mean really - your spouse harmed her as much as the OM harmed you.

Expose the affair to the other spouse.. beyond that.. move on.

There was much I wanted to do in the first 6-9 months post d-day with my H and his OW... I'm grateful that I got a ton of support not to do things permanently online - years later I can see that anything that I did to punish his OW online (like cheaterville) would also harm my H which would ultimately take away from the progress we made in our reconciliation.

I vote no.
thanks for posting, this is a good argument against doing it. i can see how it could hurt our R. and we have made a lot of progress. i didnt have to expose it to his spouse. she knew about it a YEAR before i did and didnt have the decency to tell me. i found out she knew when i contacted her in april to tell her about my wife and her husband (which was the same day i found out for myself it was actually not a few-time "fling", which is what my wife told me in march). nice huh. i felt sorry for her for a minute but then she told me that and i was basically like "wtfe, you dumb b**ch, thanks for letting me know". so, to be honest its like i didnt even get to out the POS to his own wife, which makes me feel cheated to a certain degree, which is perhaps why i still entertain the thought of doing it on CV.
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naga75 - you need some way to give yourself some closure. The affair and cheating is your wife's responsibility, but agree the POSOM should not get away scott free. That's my belief.

If exposing the POSOM is the way, then do it and move on. If there's another way - do that and move on. But do whatever you have to do to get some closure and then move on. Don't get your hopes up that exposing the guy will bring you to closure - just be realistic that it is just one small step in your recovery. In my case, i contacted the POSOM when I learned, after the fact, that my wife's EA had actually been a PA. Did I get satisfaction? A little - but less than I thought. Did it help me to move on? Yes. Because if I hadn't contacted the POSOM, I would always be thinking I should have.
this is also good advice. i dont know what i need for closure.
this gleeful little devil in the back of my mind just whispers for me to do it. because i never got the satisfaction of beating his fvcking a$$. kids and jail really make you re-think that kind of stuff. and to be honest, i find it kind of a petty act (at this point) myself. i like to think that through it all, through all the hurt and humiliation and anger...i still took the high road. and the high road is certainly somewhere i hadnt spent a lot of time. i still held myself to higher standards than my wife or the POSOM. from that perspective, i can see how NOT doing it would benefit me in the long run. i cant decide if i am considering it because i am just an angry vengeful person and i want to hurt this man...or if its to give me closure.
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