Re: To Love or Not to Love, that is the question.
Thank you for the kind welcome totallyunexpected. I also like your handle as it is exactly how I felt when this all happened.
I have read the newbie's link, thank you. I haven't had my wife read it yet. She hasn't written out a timeline or a no contact letter, but about a month ago she seemed to show true remorse and seemed totally into making our marriage work. She promised that there would be no contact. And I believed it to be so.
After that she just started to drift away again. She stopped initiating holding hands, will usually only say I love you if I say it first. Things like that. We haven't had sex in the past month. The last time we did she said she felt nervous and I could tell she was not into it so I haven't really brought it up since then. After having kids our intimacy level definitely dropped, but she would still hold hands and at least occasionally showed interest in sex. Now, I just feel that any time she touches me or kisses me it is just perfunctory or because she feels like that is what she is supposed to be doing. I don't know if that makes sense, but I don't feel any real emotion behind it.
After I found out about the EA she told me she hadn't really been interested in sex for a long time. She told me that she just didn't feel connected to me any more -that she felt like we were just 2 caregivers. That we just don't have anything in common to talk about.
Now, that seems to me a little different that what she said before the EA happened. She would often complain that she never had time for herself, so I told her I would support her if she found a hobby or wanted to take a class or do anything that she wanted. She said she felt tired-so I let often let her take naps while I watched the kids. She did say she was unhappy and maybe we should go to counseling. I agreed to go to counseling, but unfortunately it didn't happen. When I asked her why she was unhappy she would just say 'I don't know'. At that point I did get frustrated and just told her she was responsible for her own happiness. That I would help her anyway I could, but she had to let me know how. I think I did begin to withdraw from her at that point and I now really regret doing so. Now, that is my opinion and ofcourse she may well have a different view of what happened. I think the main problem was that we didn't communicate very well.
Now after the EA I have tried to talk to her more, but often feel she doesn't really want to talk about things. She will say she 'just doesn't know how she feels' or ,like I said before, 'you didn't do anything, it's just me.' If I bring up the EA or show any anger about it she tells me 'I just don't know if you are ever going to get over it' or 'I don't want to talk about it anymore, you are either going to get over it or not.' She has on a number of occasions has said that she is 'sorry' and 'there is no excuse for what I did'. I do think she feels bad about what happened, but then tends to minimize it by saying 'What I did wasn't even that bad compared to other people', or 'we mainly talked just about work or our kids or our marriages.'
Wow, sorry about all the rambling, I feel like I could write a novel, but I bet that everyone does.