What should I do?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-03-2013, 04:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What should I do?

Back story: My wife was going to nursing school which is really hard and I know this not just from her experience but my mothers, sisters, and friends experiences. While in school, she came home late a lot. I thought nothing of it. But my wife did admit to going out to lunch with a guy once. I know that it was most likely just lunch with a class mate. But to me going out without saying anything to me, and with a guy no less, sounds a lot like a date. Now, we are both gamers. We play a lot of MMOs which means we play with a lot of people from different parts of the world and talk with them on a daily basis. She would literally talk with these three guys online every night all night. That didn't bother me too much. But every now and again I would catch her saying things like- "If his checks stop coming, I'll just fine someone else to take care of me." "I'm only with him for the money." "We are just together cause its covenant." This really made me angry and I am one that can't control anger very well. So last night I kinda exploded and told her to leave the guild in the game and not to talk with them again. Now the school thing happen over 2 years ago. The talking has been happening the last part of the last two weeks. These are people who we have been talking with for years at least 3. I felt so stupid after calming down. I feel so ashamed. And I feel like I hurt her so much. This was her friends and the only people she really talked to at all and I destoryed that. But at the same time I feel like I didn't do all that wrong, I felt like she shouldn't be talking to them like that. I am going guess what people will say but I am still going to ask: Did I do wrong? Did I over react? How should I have handled this? And Where do I go from here?
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

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But every now and again I would catch her saying things like- "If his checks stop coming, I'll just fine someone else to take care of me." "I'm only with him for the money." "We are just together cause its covenant."
Do you respect yourself?

Cause she sure doesn't respect you.
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

She says she was just joking when saying these things but I can't know that for sure cause I only heard her not what they were saying.
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

You'll get much better advice here than what I can give, but I'll repeat something that was said to me a while back....

The one who needs the relationship the least controls it.

Chances are you can snap her out of her delusional state of mind, but only if you RESPECT YOURSELF and don't put up with this kind of mistreatment.

Now, soon you'll get some advice that is more useful than mine.

Sorry you are here, this is a sucky place to be.
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

Going to lunch with another man doesn't sound like a date. It IS a date! Why should you feel stupid and ashamed for reacting to your wife's repeated verbal disrespect of you?
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

That's why I don't play MMO's. Too addictive.

So, few things to point out:
She is in an emotional affair. Meaning: she loves someone else, and hates you. Hope you read that correctly, because a lot of really beta BS, mostly BH on this site, have trouble realizing that.
As for her going out on a date. Well, lets think here: she is going out, late at night, with a man, that is not her husband, out somewhere. How much you want to bet they weren't just sharing dinner?

As for what to do?
Well, no offense, but you sound beta enough to allow this to continue until you are a cuckold.
You should've killed this when it became an issue at her school! But because you didn't, you have literally created a cheating machine. She knows she'll get away with it, and you'll do nothing to discipline her.

So, first thing:
Stop playing MMO's. Get a hobby that makes you a better person. Like, going to the gym. And make her stop playing it. By giving her the option of either: living at home without the game, or living out of her car/parents but being allowed to play the game.
If you still want to play video games, play something less addictive. Like Mass Effect, Halo, Assassins Creed, or pretty much anything that isn't online.

Second thing, is called a 180. Problem is, with emotional affairs, they tend to either not notice, or not care. And since your wife has probably a few AP online, she'll probably just consider it a holiday away from you.

And thirdly, and this is the most important one.
File for DIVORCE.
This will shock her out of her emotional affair. Hopefully. Or you two divorce, in which case, you move on with your life.
Or if you are too beta and scared to divorce her, then hope you enjoy your current marital situation. I am sure it will get better for you in the long run...
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

So, you are apologising because your wife trash talks about you with strangers?
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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She says she was just joking when saying these things but I can't know that for sure cause I only heard her not what they were saying.
One of the things that we are, or should be, taught as children is that we don't say anything about another person that we wouldn't say to their face. If she meant it, then she does not love or respect you. If she didn't mean it, then she doesn't love or respect you enough to accurately represent the dynamic of your relationship to someone she's probably never met in the flesh. If she won't even do that in something as meaningless as vent, then do you really think that she'll respect your relationship enough to say no when presented with the opportunity to change an EA to a PA? I doubt it.

I'm sorry you're having problems and I wish you the best of luck.

-JM
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

You began by making excuses for her! So what if nursing school is hard?!?! Holy crap.

PLEASE grow a backbone and quit letting her walk all over you.
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I will speak to her and let her know its me or the games. Will see where it goes from there. After all these years, it is good to see I wasn't overreacting. I didn't ever think I was but she just kept saying I was overreacting.. Its good to see that everyone is in agreement. Good but sad. Somehow I think she will choose her games. But I am tried of the lies, lunches, etc. Its a huge relief but a even bigger headache. I hope for the best, but I just don't know. I want to thank all of you.
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Old 01-03-2013, 05:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

If she chooses the games that will be GOOD, because that will mean that you won't be going through all this again in a few months. Because she can say whatever she wants - she isn't going to change unless you do something drastic like kick her ass out.

You sound really young. Quit the games yourself and go find someone else who RESPECTS you. Please.

Good luck hun.
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Old 01-03-2013, 05:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Somehow I think she will choose her games.
If this is true then it is much better that you find out sooner rather than later.

Get yourself up to 30 posts and go read my thread.

Then count your blessings.

Good luck.
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Old 01-03-2013, 05:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
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After all these years, it is good to see I wasn't overreacting. I didn't ever think I was but she just kept saying I was overreacting...
That is what she wants you to think. She figures if she tells you often enough, you will start believing it. It is part of the mind game to gain control of the situation and get you to drop it so she can continue her behavior.
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:05 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

If you don't stop it, it'll consume her life to where nothing but the game matters. Trust me on this, I was a WoW Addict for 4 years. Almost 7 days a week and 4-8 hours per day.

I did a /played on all my toons and in those 4 years I was on that game more than a year in played time. Take in work and time to sleep, that meant almost all my time was in that crack game.

I still play games but it's ALOT more casual now a days and kids&wife take priority.
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What should I do?

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Originally Posted by wvcountryboy View Post
I will speak to her and let her know its me or the games. Will see where it goes from there. After all these years, it is good to see I wasn't overreacting. I didn't ever think I was but she just kept saying I was overreacting.. Its good to see that everyone is in agreement. Good but sad. Somehow I think she will choose her games. But I am tried of the lies, lunches, etc. Its a huge relief but a even bigger headache. I hope for the best, but I just don't know. I want to thank all of you.
Dear wvcountyboy,

When you talk to her, be sure you are calm and controlled. Don't raise your voice or speak angrily. Just tell her what you expect (e.g, no more lunches with other guys and no more games -- or whatever you decide).

She will try to argue with you and may get angry. Don't take the bait. Just let her have her say and then repeat what you said as many times a necessary until she stops arguing.

If she refuses or makes any threats, then you must give her a consequence. Based on what's happened so far, I would not advise mentioning divorce. Instead, I would say something like, "then I am going to have to reconsider whether I want to stay married to you, because I deserve better than what you're giving me right now." If she pushes you about this, just say, "you heard me" and walk away.

This is your best shot at getting your wife under control. Don't blow it by getting angry or emotional. You want her to think that you really don't give a d*amn what she does and are only giving her fair warning if she doesn't shape up. Think John Wayne (if you like westerns) or Clark Gable (if you like comedies). The more you can act like either of those guys when you are with your wife, the better behaved she will be.

Good luck.
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