for better or worse... until death do we part
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-03-2013, 05:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default for better or worse... until death do we part

Twelve months ago my wife of 12 years informed me that while she was employed as a flight attendant, she would have "relations" with pilots. With her job, she would fly to Hong Kong, and stay three nights at the crew hotel. During these layovers she would have sex with pilots that were also staying at the hotel. She confessed that over a two year period, she had "relations" with 7 different men, dozens of times. It has been a year now since I was told the news. I went through many stages, rage, hate, hurt, humiliation. She told me about it because she had gone through a "true conversion" and hoped that I would/could love her for who she truly is. I have almost forgiven her as Christ instructed us to forgive, but the memories still linger, the pain is still present. I have read many threads here, and none of them refer to the vows we all took. "For better or worse... until death do we part". I did not vow to stay together as long as she did nothing that hurt me, but it is very very difficult.
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

1). Clarify. She was married to you at this time?
2). She had 7 men? 7 men at once? Dozens of men 7 at a time?
Retreading 7 boyfriends besides you?
If I am reading this right you are far more tolerant than me. I would be out at one. I am a Christian but once I am betrayed my trust is zero. I can forgive but a marriage with no trust will inevitably crash.

I will share a lot of things. My woman ain't one of them.

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Old 01-03-2013, 06:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

Sorry I have never posted before...
yes were were married at the time, years 7-9 with two children.
7 different men, only one at a time. she had two "favorites" one man for 7 months, the other man for 2 years. Yes the men overlapped. These were sexual relationships, not emotional affairs.
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

When she says that she hopes that you will love 'who she truly is,' what does she mean?
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

God does not want for people to divorce but if adultery has been committed (which in her case she did cheat and admitted it to you) then you have a right to divorce her.
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

Isn't adultery one of the biblical outs? I could forgive the adultery as in I will no longer hate after a time but I would be long gone.

Serial cheater. I won't stand for it once.

Did she quit her job? I rather doubt the long term viability. Seen too many threads that read like. She cheated on me once. Then stopped. The banged some other dude(s). Now I am 45 and my dating value is much lower.

How old are you two?
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

So what else has she done besides just up and tell you all this?? Has she gone to counseling? Been STD tested? Proven she's stopped? Been severely apologetic? Become completely transparent to you?

Please read the newbie link in my signature. This is serious stuff to get over. I know.
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

I'm a catholic and I'm sorry but there is no way I can be that forgiving. 7 men in in two years and had sex with them more times than she can count? I'd be gone so fast that all she would see is a blur. This is not a good person nor wife material. Did she give you a reason for why she did it?
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

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Originally Posted by catholicman View Post
Twelve months ago my wife of 12 years informed me that while she was employed as a flight attendant, she would have "relations" with pilots. With her job, she would fly to Hong Kong, and stay three nights at the crew hotel. During these layovers she would have sex with pilots that were also staying at the hotel. She confessed that over a two year period, she had "relations" with 7 different men, dozens of times. It has been a year now since I was told the news. I went through many stages, rage, hate, hurt, humiliation. She told me about it because she had gone through a "true conversion" and hoped that I would/could love her for who she truly is. I have almost forgiven her as Christ instructed us to forgive, but the memories still linger, the pain is still present. I have read many threads here, and none of them refer to the vows we all took. "For better or worse... until death do we part". I did not vow to stay together as long as she did nothing that hurt me, but it is very very difficult.
Here are a couple of random thoughts that might help you sort this out.

1. "Love her for who she is?" What does that mean? Love an adulterer? Does she intend for you to love her "as is" or is she truly repentant and does she vow to change her ways?

2. Forgiving doesn't mean condoning. Forgiving doesn't mean that there are no consequences. You can forgive a criminal, but there still is a penalty that must be paid. You know this.

3. She broke her vows to you. You are not required to stay with an adulterer. Or an abuser. What I'm trying to tell you is that not all marriages are forever. It's okay to walk away from this as she broke her vows to you first. Speak to a religious counselor, someone you trust. They will tell you.

4. As to your wedding vows themselves, did you both not vow to "forsake all others"? Did she not break that vow? More than once? You have very right to feel betrayed. You were. You have every right to feel hurt. She hurt you.

5. And in your heart of heart, do you really believe she had a true conversion?
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

If I am correct this happened 3-5 years ago?

Married twelve years, affair during years 7,8 and 9.

This is bad, but there are cases here that are worse, even much worse where the marriage has worked out.

So she has had a religous conversion and is coming clean? That's powerful stuff. How is she as a wife and mom?
Still working as a flight attendant? How has your sex life been then and now?
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

Yet another long distance relationship gone bad.

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

DNA test the kids.
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

I understand this is common in flight-crew lifestyles.

One reason I'm concerned that my son want's to be a commercial airline pilot. Not a healthy environment, IMO.

Sorry you're here, CatholicMan
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

So in January 2011 she told you she was cheating on you in 2007, 2008, and 2009? Just because she was bored in Hong Kong, having sex with pilots was kind of a recreational activity, sort of like playing tennis? She had two favorites she liked to play with, but she played with seven guys altogether?

No emotion, just sex? No "I love yous"?

Did they communicate with each other or see each other when they were not in Hong Kong? My guess is that these guys would seek it out at home as well.

Did she say what she was thinking of while she was doing it? How did she rationalize it? Did she try to justify it based on anything you did or weren't doing to/for her?

Did she deny you sex during that period of time?

Did she do stuff with them that she didn't do with you?

How many other people know?

Why did it stop in 2009?

What are your triggers?
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: for better or worse... until death do we part

First, I do not believe you have gotten all the truth as bad as it is. People tend to limit the facts to put them in the best light possible even if it is terrible, Trickle Truth.

Need her to write down her time line so you can see it and ask the questions on it, if you really want to know.

Second, so she has had a conversion, what caused this at this time? Is it because she is hiding something else, or was someone else going to reveal it to you and she wanted to do damage control as well as she could?

Third, what stopped her from continuing these activites over the past 3 years? Since she just revealed it to you something must have happened?

I believe you have just seen the Tip of the Iceberg.
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