Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-03-2013, 09:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room

A few days ago my wife confessed to me that she had a sexual encounter with my best friend while on a trip. She told me that they kissed and touched for over 2 hours in the next room. She claims that he didn't penetrate her with his penis, but he did use the finger, I don't know if its true or not, and frankly I don't think it matters.

A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.

A bit more background. I have cheated on my wife with a prostitute and she found out, that was about a year before the incident with my best friend. I understand that I hurt her and that she wants to get even with me, in fact I have never been too jealous and wouldn't care that much if it was a one night stand with a stranger. But what tore me apart was way she/they did it. I feel completely betrayed and used.

I want to get over this, but I don't know if I can trust her again. I think this is the worst thing that she could ever do to me.

I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.
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Old 01-03-2013, 09:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room

Have you confronted your friend?

When did this happen?

Why do you think it was a revenge affair?

Did your wife express remorse, or was she rubbing your nose in it?

How do you know she is telling the truth?
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Old 01-03-2013, 09:57 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room

Been married long?

Kids?

Did she say why she did it? Or why she confessed?

Oh, what she did was horrible - your "friend" too. But she could have done worse. Much worse.

Are you both committed to each other or just kinda like fwb but married?
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Old 01-03-2013, 10:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room

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Originally Posted by sadbehappy View Post
A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.
.
.
.
I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.
Everyone thinks they can redefine male/female relationships. That they can be adult about these silly little male female relationship things.

They are wrong.

Her selection of targets...or the fidelity of your friend means that yes, it's pretty much over as far as at least one of your relationships.

If one is forced to grade things, what you did was on a slightly less awful scale than what she did...this is not a compliment, though I understand those who feel otherwise. She directly went to shatter your relationship. And he let her for some finger banging.

Rethink everything and out your friend for the wonderful human being he is to your mutual friends. However, out him to the WIVES. They have much less of a sense of humor about their husbands hanging around a gentleman who thinks this is acceptable behavior.
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room

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Originally Posted by ThreeStrikes View Post
Have you confronted your friend?

When did this happen?

Why do you think it was a revenge affair?

Did your wife express remorse, or was she rubbing your nose in it?

How do you know she is telling the truth?
I haven't confronted my friend, as he lives in another country and this is something I'd rather do face to face. Not sure if I can do it over the phone...

It happened almost 3 years ago.

She told me it was out of revenge, but she also said that she did "kinda liked him". I believe her, but what I don't know is if that was the only time they did it. They had plenty of opportunities to do it multiple times, when my "friend" was still living in the country and even during that same trip, so it seems unlikely it happened only once. How can I get the truth out of her?

She says that she's sorry, and I can see that she is, but I'm not exactly sure what she is sorry about. It almost seems like she expected a different reaction from me, and she is sorry that she told me.


We've been together 9, married 8 years. We have an overall good conventional (not an open one) relationship.
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room

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Originally Posted by sadbehappy View Post
A few days ago my wife confessed to me that she had a sexual encounter with my best friend while on a trip. She told me that they kissed and touched for over 2 hours in the next room. She claims that he didn't penetrate her with his penis, but he did use the finger, I don't know if its true or not, and frankly I don't think it matters.

A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.

A bit more background. I have cheated on my wife with a prostitute and she found out, that was about a year before the incident with my best friend. I understand that I hurt her and that she wants to get even with me, in fact I have never been too jealous and wouldn't care that much if it was a one night stand with a stranger. But what tore me apart was way she/they did it. I feel completely betrayed and used.

I want to get over this, but I don't know if I can trust her again. I think this is the worst thing that she could ever do to me.

I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.
Can I infer from "open relationship" that you don't actually have a problem with extramarital activity, so long as you're kept informed?

Oh, and if you think for a minute that, to get revenge for you screwing a prostitute, that your wife and your friend stopped and third base and didn't go home, I've got a bridge to sell you.
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Been married long?

Kids?

Did she say why she did it? Or why she confessed?

Oh, what she did was horrible - your "friend" too. But she could have done worse. Much worse.

Are you both committed to each other or just kinda like fwb but married?
We've been in a stable monogamous relationship. Been married for 8 years, but we leaved together for a year before that, so it's been 9 years. We don't have any kids, because we wanted to have some financial stability before jumping into that.

The reason she confessed, she say, is because I deserve to know what kind of friend he is, not acknowledging that she is just as good or even worst than him. Not sure if its denial, or she has no morals. I'm confused.
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Can I infer from "open relationship" that you don't actually have a problem with extramarital activity, so long as you're kept informed?

Oh, and if you think for a minute that, to get revenge for you screwing a prostitute, that your wife and your friend stopped and third base and didn't go home, I've got a bridge to sell you.
Open, as in open to discussion, meaning that if she has a fantasy of some sort, she tells me, but not actually doing anything as far as I know. We discussed doing some trios or stuff like that, but never serious enough to actually try it, just talking.

As far as having problems with her some random guy, I think I wouldn't.

I don't think they stopped at third base either.
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Open, as in open to discussion, meaning that if she has a fantasy of some sort, she tells me, but not actually doing anything as far as I know. We discussed doing some trios or stuff like that, but never serious enough to actually try it, just talking.

As far as having problems with her some random guy, I think I wouldn't.

I don't think they stopped at third base either.
Are you saying that she admitted to having sexual fantasies involving men that weren't you? Even people that you knew? If so, was that before or after your own infidelity, and did you and she actively cultivate that fantasy, as in roleplay?
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Old 01-04-2013, 12:01 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Are you saying that she admitted to having sexual fantasies involving men that weren't you? Even people that you knew? If so, was that before or after your own infidelity, and did you and she actively cultivate that fantasy, as in roleplay?
Not people that I knew, but she did fantasize with other man, IMO that's natural.

What bothers me is that she and my "fried" screwed in the room next to mine, while I was asleep, and made a secret out of it for 3 years. That for me is pure betrayal from both of them, I don't see any other way of putting it.
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Old 01-04-2013, 12:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Not people that I knew, but she did fantasize with other man, IMO that's natural.

What bothers me is that she and my "fried" screwed in the room next to mine, while I was asleep, and made a secret out of it for 3 years. That for me is pure betrayal from both of them, I don't see any other way of putting it.
Sorry, but that's crap. If you believe that fantasizing sexually about people other than your spouse is normal then why should you be surprised when that fantasy is externalized? This may burst your bubble, mate, but the whole affair fantasy/roleplay nonsense is just an affair bicycle with training wheels. You just seem to be pissed that your wife took them off, even though you did the same thing. Now, normally I would never make the case that revenge cheating is okay, but it seems that idea of extracurricular activities was an encouraged part of your sexual dynamic. Well, your wife basically saw enough ballgames on television and decided she wanted to take the field. This is yours and your wife's doing, and coming here talking about having an affair fantasies is a slap in the face to every person, man and woman, that's suffered the pain of an adulterous partner.
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Old 01-04-2013, 12:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room

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A few days ago my wife confessed to me that she had a sexual encounter with my best friend while on a trip. She told me that they kissed and touched for over 2 hours in the next room. She claims that he didn't penetrate her with his penis, but he did use the finger, I don't know if its true or not, and frankly I don't think it matters.

A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.

A bit more background. I have cheated on my wife with a prostitute and she found out, that was about a year before the incident with my best friend. I understand that I hurt her and that she wants to get even with me, in fact I have never been too jealous and wouldn't care that much if it was a one night stand with a stranger. But what tore me apart was way she/they did it. I feel completely betrayed and used.

I want to get over this, but I don't know if I can trust her again. I think this is the worst thing that she could ever do to me.

I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.
This all sounds like one big train wreck and your marriage is a total disaster in my opinion, so if I were you I would distance myself from the whole thing and move away and start over somewhere.
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Old 01-04-2013, 12:52 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I do love her, and willing to work things out. I just don't know how to trust her anymore. I think we might still have a shot at this. I'll try, she seems committed too. But not sure if it'll work at the end...
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Old 01-04-2013, 01:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room

polygraph
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Old 01-04-2013, 02:06 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated with my best friend with me sleeping in the next room

Your wife got her revenge by f$%king your "Best Friend". you opened pandora's box by sleeping with a prostitute and putting her health at risk as well. Two wrongs don't make a right. Working it out with your wife is up to you.

Your so called best friend needs a stiff punch to the face. A true best friend would put her a@@ on the spot by stopping her advances as soon as he felt something wasn't right and tell you about it.
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