My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-04-2013, 04:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

Hi All,

I have read the exposure and beginning documents but I still need advice.

Quick history:
Married 8yrs
One child 1yr old

What I did:
I have been very busy since the birth of my son I take care of him during the day while she works and I work at night (self employed)... I don't get much sleep

I watch porn and masturbate sometimes (She knows about it)

We were more or less fit and slim on meeting since then we both have gotten fatter. She kept asking me, over months, about if I was still attracted to her I said yes. Due to my working late and lack of sleep we haven't been making love as much. She asked again and I eventually told her that she was sexy and I am still attracted to her but she is no longer hot. She asked me to explain and I said hot is just a physically thing and that I still loved her and we could always fix that for both of us. She did not understand how she could be sexy but not hot physically. She did say that I was still hot though. I still look fit but I have a bigger belly now.

She said that we should get counseling and I am hesitant because I am quite a private guy but agreed. However, haven't heard anything about it since

What she did and is going to do

She has told me that she has no life anymore and is depressed and feels lonely and wants to start back socializing with her friends and needs her privacy. I asked her why she stopped and she said for me. I told her to please go ahead I have no problem with it. She has since changed all her facebook password.

She started going to the movies with her friends and enjoys her time out. yay.

She has started dieting and has lost 20lbs and has started feeling better about herself.

She is now facebooking with an old friend and they are out right flirting, talking like they are already checting and planning to goto the movies on Saturday where she intends to dress sexy for him showing off her boobs and cleavage and he plans to keep them warm in the cinema.


Please help

I am a very calm guy but I do not know what I am capable of doing if she really cheats on me. I know I will not harm her but him I am not too sure. I know where he works and possibly lives, I have the links to his facebook friends well at least 200+ of them. He hides them from even his friends but I got them from their posts to him etc.

Please advise.
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Old 01-04-2013, 04:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

Do NOT sit idly by while a rat a$$ed weasel goes after your wife. You know where he works and you know where they're planning to meet. You need to interject yourself into this right now.

Both RAW and your wife need to know that you're going to do whatever it takes to assure the security and sanctity of your marriage.

With few exceptions, the other man is in it for the easy peace of tail. You need to complicate the process and make sure he knows it will be the most expensive (and possibly the last) piece of tail he'll ever receive.
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Old 01-04-2013, 04:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

So you have nglected your wife?

How often do you masturbate to porn?

Do you show your wife how sexy she is to you? Do you make sure you spend time together?

Can you get a day job and use day care?

As for the secrecy and cheating, stand up to your wife. Tell her you will not put up with the secrets nor cheating and you want to be completely open with each other.

I think your wife wanted to feel desired by you and she reached out, you did not show her she was worth fighting for as you did not schedule counseling and probably continued to neglect her. You also hurt her by telling her she was no longer hot.

She has to own her cheating and you have to own your emotional and physical neglect.

Hopefuly there has been no physical cheating and you can recover your marriage nad make it strong. Focus on each other, spend time together and look at what you do find attractive about each other.
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Old 01-04-2013, 04:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

So if I understand this correctly she has engaged in an EA and she believes you have tacitly approved of this because you have not stopped it. Instead you have sat there wanking off to porn while she flirts with another man. Now she is going on a date and you are here on the internet asking for advice instead of confronting her and c0ckblocking this OM. If she goes on this date you have lost her. Its over. Stop whining and act like a man that is about to lose his woman. Stop being so damned passive. Don't yell but don't beg or plead either. Tell her you know you haven't been the best husband but you are going to start working on yourself but if she follows through with her date you are done. Then you follow through by getting yourself back in shape and ditching the porn.
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

Why is this complicated?

Tell her NO! Say that if she walks out that door, she can pick up her stuff in contractor bags when she gets back and she'd better have arranged alternate living arrangements.

You are mistaking 'passive' for 'calm'. 'Calm' is a man who can rattle off the coordinates for a fire control mission while shells are falling all around him.

Passive is holding your wife's condom filled purse as she fixes her makeup on her way out the door.

So far, you are describing the later.

I would go and buy an aluminum baseball bat for your son and keep it by the door. I'd also find the dress she is planning on wearing and cutting it up into pieces and leaving it for her.

Your work schedules aren't your 'fault'. It's what life threw at you.

You were a clueless simplton first for speaking to your wife like that (I've made the same mistakes) and second for sitting on your thumb while she carved out a life without YOU in it.

So...change what you are doing NOW!
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

Quote:
Originally Posted by bfree View Post
So if I understand this correctly she has engaged in an EA and she believes you have tacitly approved of this because you have not stopped it. Instead you have sat there wanking off to porn while she flirts with another man. Now she is going on a date and you are here on the internet asking for advice instead of confronting her and c0ckblocking this OM. If she goes on this date you have lost her. Its over. Stop whining and act like a man that is about to lose his woman. Stop being so damned passive. Don't yell but don't beg or plead either. Tell her you know you haven't been the best husband but you are going to start working on yourself but if she follows through with her date you are done. Then you follow through by getting yourself back in shape and ditching the porn.

This!

And when she goes out with OM, put a couple of trunks out the door at the same time while she leaves. (grab some clothes very quick, doesn't matter what). Make clear that is the end of it.

You can always go talking and be softer on her later on, if she changes her attitude and behaviour. But not now. Now is the time for decisive action on your part. Be soft and you will alway regret is. Be firm and you will gain.
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Old 01-04-2013, 06:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

Quote:
Originally Posted by isitmyfault View Post
She has told me that she has no life anymore and is depressed and feels lonely and wants to start back socializing with her friends and needs her privacy. I asked her why she stopped and she said for me. I told her to please go ahead I have no problem with it. She has since changed all her facebook password.
Why did she say she needed her privacy to socialize with her friends?

It makes it sound like she was planning on cheating right from the start, that she never really intended on just "socializing" with "friends."

I don't know what the dictionary definition of cheating is, but planning a date where she told another man "I hope it's not too cold in the movie theater because my dress is not going to cover my breasts" and he replied "Don't worry, I will keep those babies warm for you" is way beyond what I would feel comfortable with.


Don't ever tell your wife she's not "hot" again - that is just cruel. Especially when she's looking at your pot belly and telling you how hot you still are.

Obviously, in hindsight, you see what you've done wrong. Tell your wife you are sorry and you want to fix it. Tell her she still is hot and you don't want her dating other guys.

Ask her to end this relationship. Tell her you are not comfortable not sharing access to your accounts, why does she need "privacy"? What is she posting/receiving that she does not feel comfortable with you seeing (other than planning dates with other guys)?

You can't stop your wife from seeing this guy, but you can let her know that you consider it inappropriate and what you will do if she dates another man while she still is married to you.
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Old 01-04-2013, 06:33 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

I would do what bfree suggests with one exception. I would make getting together with her boyfriend difficult. The night she goes out on her date, follow her. If they go to the movies, buy a ticket and sit next to them. If they go to a Resturant, join them at their table and order a meal for yourself. You can have conversation with the guy like: "So I hear you want to fvck my wife". Then you grab your wife and you drag her home with you and you ignore what ever temper tantrum she throws, in public or private. You can also block Facebook at your Internet router. Don't make this easy for her, and you have every right to do this. It looks like you are going to lose her anyway, what else do you have to lose. You might even gain some self respect.

Now I know that you are going to give me every excuse in the world why you can't do this, and I think most people wouldn't. Why? Because you're afraid to. No one likes this kind of confrontation, or to c0ckblock right in front of the OM, but it is effective. She has no right what so ever to be out with another man. And the other man? I think he'll sh1t his pants when see sees you there, unless you are a total wussy.
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Last edited by The Middleman; 01-04-2013 at 06:42 AM.
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:17 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

Whoever this other guy is, he doesn't come equipped with any appendages you don't have. What is she looking for that she hasn't been getting from you? Maybe this guy makes her feel sexy and desired. It's a damned shame that she has to go elsewhere for that. She had to bug and pester you to find out if you found her attractive. You blew it by basically telling her she was a troll. All those hours spent gawking at porn and spanking your monkey and you wonder why she's chatting up some other guy? She wouldn't be giving anything away that you had expressed much interest in. I suggest you get rid of your porn and whether your wife is the hottest woman on earth or not, make it your job to convince her that you think she is. When your wife asks you if she's attractive, there's only one proper answer and it never involves qualifiers. She wasn't looking for an objective assessment of her looks. She has mirrors for that. She just wanted to hear her husband say he finds her attractive. Is that really so hard? In those cases, you won't go to hell for fibbing a little. You basically told your low self esteem wife that she's not physically attractive! If you value something, take care of it. As you have been shown, she has other options. Whatever shift you work, I suggest you find time to regularly and convincingly screw her brains out. You've given her self-image quite a hit. If you intend to get her attention off this other guy, you'd best be prepared to give her something more interesting.
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

Quote:
Originally Posted by isitmyfault View Post
Hi All,

I have read the exposure and beginning documents but I still need advice.

Quick history:
Married 8yrs
One child 1yr old

What I did:
I have been very busy since the birth of my son I take care of him during the day while she works and I work at night (self employed)... I don't get much sleep

I watch porn and masturbate sometimes (She knows about it)

We were more or less fit and slim on meeting since then we both have gotten fatter. She kept asking me, over months, about if I was still attracted to her I said yes. Due to my working late and lack of sleep we haven't been making love as much. She asked again and I eventually told her that she was sexy and I am still attracted to her but she is no longer hot. She asked me to explain and I said hot is just a physically thing and that I still loved her and we could always fix that for both of us. She did not understand how she could be sexy but not hot physically. She did say that I was still hot though. I still look fit but I have a bigger belly now.

She said that we should get counseling and I am hesitant because I am quite a private guy but agreed. However, haven't heard anything about it since

What she did and is going to do

She has told me that she has no life anymore and is depressed and feels lonely and wants to start back socializing with her friends and needs her privacy. I asked her why she stopped and she said for me. I told her to please go ahead I have no problem with it. She has since changed all her facebook password.

She started going to the movies with her friends and enjoys her time out. yay.

She has started dieting and has lost 20lbs and has started feeling better about herself.

She is now facebooking with an old friend and they are out right flirting, talking like they are already checting and planning to goto the movies on Saturday where she intends to dress sexy for him showing off her boobs and cleavage and he plans to keep them warm in the cinema.


Please help

I am a very calm guy but I do not know what I am capable of doing if she really cheats on me. I know I will not harm her but him I am not too sure. I know where he works and possibly lives, I have the links to his facebook friends well at least 200+ of them. He hides them from even his friends but I got them from their posts to him etc.

Please advise.
Dear iimf,

Your marriage hangs by a thread. As others have told you, you need to take action immediately. In fact, you need to take the strongest possible action.

The fact that your wife is being open with you about her intentions to "date" another man suggests one of two things: (1) it is a cry for help that you need to start acting like the man she wants rather than the sniveling fool of a husband that she has at the moment or (2) she has already lost all respect for you and has checked out of the marriage, probably for good. You need to find out which of the two is the case, which is easy to do (assuming you have the cojones).

Sit your wife down and calmly explain to her that she has a choice to make:

Option 1 - Immediately stop her fooling around, no dates, no more hanging out with friends when you're not around, no more texting other guys.

Option 2 - Divorce.

Explain that you love her very much and want to have a fulfilling, lifelong relationship with her but that this will be impossible if she continues doing what she's doing and that, if that is what she is going to do, you will have no choice but to end your marriage and start over with someone else.

Stay calm while you explain this to her, don't argue with her, don't make threats and don't break down in tears. Act like a guy who has made his mind up and is comfortable with the outcome whether she decides to stay or leave. Repeat as often as necessary that you are saying this because you love her and that you are serious about ending your marriage if she goes on a date, continues to text other guys, etc.

If she tries to argue, simply repeat what you told her and then walk away saying, "you know what I want, it's up to you to decide what you're going to do."

Do this and you will know right away whether she still wants you or not. If she does, start rebuilding your marriage. If she doesn't, file for divorce, do the 180 and start to build a life without her.

This isn't going to be easy and chances are you don't have the emotional strength to do it. But, if you do, you will give yourself the best chance you have of saving your marriage.

Best of luck.


P.S.: You need to start acting like the man in your marriage. Get a copy of "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay and memorize it.
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Old 01-04-2013, 08:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

This thread saddens me. OP, you have a crisis on your hands and you need to block this date from happening at all costs if you want to save your marriage. Privacy in a marriage should be restricted to the bathroom only. There is no reason to have privacy when it comes to multimedia devices, e-mail, FB accounts, etc. All that gets you is a spouse that wants to keep secrets from you. Your wife is in an emotional affair, that is cheating and she needs to be talked to about this.

I'm sorry you are here.
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Old 01-04-2013, 08:05 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

She's losing weight and dressing to impress another man on date!

You say it's okay?

Hell no! Where is your head? Put an end to that. No opposite sex interactions with out you and that means Effbook too.

Why aren't you going on dates with her?

carmen ohio is right, read her post, do as she outlines and get the book.

Married Man Sex Life

No it's not a sex book.
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Old 01-04-2013, 08:18 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

isitmyfault,

If you are still reading let me put on my Athol Kay MMSL glasses and give you a deeper analysis.

When you and your wife got together let's say you were a SR 7 (SR=sex rank) and she was a SR8. I'm giving her a point above you because I'm assuming she is not Cougar age yet and she has the vagina. You say that you both got out of shape. That's -1 point for each of you. You mention that you watch porn and masturbate. That's another -1 point for you because you are a dog in her eyes. You also say your schedules are not in sync. I'm assuming that means you don't spend a lot of time together. Her emotional connection to you is broken. That's another -1 point for you for not being a man and leading your marriage. So that makes you an SR 4 and her an SR7. Now, you say she got into better shape by losing 20 pounds. So she is now back to an SR8. You are still out of shape and still watch porn and masturbate. Let me ask you. Think back to your dating years. If you were an SR8 would you bang a fatty or a dog? Didn't think so. Neither will your wife because right now that is what you are.

So what do you do. You sit your wife down and tell her you know you have failed in many ways as a man and as a husband. You tell her that you realize that this is your wakeup call and that you are going to get serious and get your act together. You tell her that you are going to quit watching porn and masturbating. You tell her you are going to get back into shape and get into even better shape that when you first met. You tell her you are going to start to find time for the two of you to spend quality alone time together. Tell her you realize that this is all just words right now but she can judge you on your actions from this day forward. But if she goes on this date you are done. Tell her you cannot recover from that betrayal. You tell her she must cut off all contact with that guy and any other men she has been having an affair with or flirting with. You tell her you are going to follow through with your plan of action and it can either be for her or the next woman you are with. Tell her she can either benefit from this epiphany or she can lose everything she values in her life. Its her choice.

She will tell you they are just friends and its not a date. Blah, blah, blah. Tell her she has heard what you have to say and now its her choice. Does she want to stay in this marriage or should you make yourself a better man for another woman. If she chooses to stay in the marriage with you then you have a second chance. Follow through with getting your act together. Ditch the porn, quit yanking off, get your a$$ to the gym, and find time to be together.

Good luck brother. I hope you aren't too late.
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

wives dont go on "dates" with other men.
period.
end of story.
sure as fvck not to the movies with their boobs hanging out.
stand up for yourself dude.
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is going to start cheating what should I do? URGENT

Wives do not go out socializing with other men on dates.

Stop it cold, no more contact with this guy or any other guy. You've let her put herself back on the market by going out like she has.

Married people don't have privacy from their spouses. That isn't something that is healthy or good. It's only purpose is to keep secrets to enable things like cheating.

privacy stops.

Standard things:

1. Refuse to let her go on dates
2. get a sitter for the kid, or bring it along, but you follow her on her date if she goes. Sit beside her, tell the OM she's married.
3. Expose her cheating, and yes even EA's and flirting are cheating, but clearly this has already gone physical enough that they are openly teasing one another about physical actions.
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