I have read the exposure and beginning documents but I still need advice.
One child 1yr old
What I did:
I have been very busy since the birth of my son I take care of him during the day while she works and I work at night (self employed)... I don't get much sleep
I watch porn and masturbate sometimes (She knows about it)
We were more or less fit and slim on meeting since then we both have gotten fatter. She kept asking me, over months, about if I was still attracted to her I said yes. Due to my working late and lack of sleep we haven't been making love as much. She asked again and I eventually told her that she was sexy and I am still attracted to her but she is no longer hot. She asked me to explain and I said hot is just a physically thing and that I still loved her and we could always fix that for both of us. She did not understand how she could be sexy but not hot physically. She did say that I was still hot though. I still look fit but I have a bigger belly now.
She said that we should get counseling and I am hesitant because I am quite a private guy but agreed. However, haven't heard anything about it since
What she did and is going to do
She has told me that she has no life anymore and is depressed and feels lonely and wants to start back socializing with her friends and needs her privacy. I asked her why she stopped and she said for me. I told her to please go ahead I have no problem with it. She has since changed all her facebook password.
She started going to the movies with her friends and enjoys her time out. yay.
She has started dieting and has lost 20lbs and has started feeling better about herself.
She is now facebooking with an old friend and they are out right flirting, talking like they are already checting and planning to goto the movies on Saturday where she intends to dress sexy for him showing off her boobs and cleavage and he plans to keep them warm in the cinema.
I am a very calm guy but I do not know what I am capable of doing if she really cheats on me. I know I will not harm her but him I am not too sure. I know where he works and possibly lives, I have the links to his facebook friends well at least 200+ of them. He hides them from even his friends but I got them from their posts to him etc.
Your marriage hangs by a thread. As others have told you, you need to take action immediately. In fact, you need to take the strongest possible action.
The fact that your wife is being open with you about her intentions to "date" another man suggests one of two things: (1) it is a cry for help that you need to start acting like the man she wants rather than the sniveling fool of a husband that she has at the moment or (2) she has already lost all respect for you and has checked out of the marriage, probably for good. You need to find out which of the two is the case, which is easy to do (assuming you have the cojones).
Sit your wife down and calmly explain to her that she has a choice to make:
Option 1 - Immediately stop her fooling around, no dates, no more hanging out with friends when you're not around, no more texting other guys.
Option 2 - Divorce.
Explain that you love her very much and want to have a fulfilling, lifelong relationship with her but that this will be impossible if she continues doing what she's doing and that, if that is what she is going to do, you will have no choice but to end your marriage and start over with someone else.
Stay calm while you explain this to her, don't argue with her, don't make threats and don't break down in tears. Act like a guy who has made his mind up and is comfortable with the outcome whether she decides to stay or leave. Repeat as often as necessary that you are saying this because you love her and that you are serious about ending your marriage if she goes on a date, continues to text other guys, etc.
If she tries to argue, simply repeat what you told her and then walk away saying, "you know what I want, it's up to you to decide what you're going to do."
Do this and you will know right away whether she still wants you or not. If she does, start rebuilding your marriage. If she doesn't, file for divorce, do the 180 and start to build a life without her.
This isn't going to be easy and chances are you don't have the emotional strength to do it. But, if you do, you will give yourself the best chance you have of saving your marriage.
Best of luck.
P.S.: You need to start acting like the man in your marriage. Get a copy of "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay and memorize it.