Cheated on
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-05-2013, 07:04 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry Cheated on

My husband and I have been married for a little over three years. We have a child together and I thought we were happy. I know every relationship has it's ups and downs but I never thought in a million years that I would be facing what I'm dealing with. He is military and we are stationed overseas right now.

This past summer he went back to the states for a school and while he was gone slept with two different women and attempted a third and fourth time but did not succeed thank god. The one woman is 8 years older than him and the other is a few years older than me. He is 42 and I am 30.

The sad part is all of these women knew he was married and they didn't care. I've talked to all of them. They outright, blatantly had no respect for my marriage, myself, or my child.

He ruined his 1st and 2nd marriage doing the same stuff. He assured me he had learned his lesson and knew what he could lose along with the fact that he didn't want to have any problems between he and I. I believed him and gave him a chance along with the stipulations that he had to get rid of all his old e-mails, any internet accounts, and get a new number to start over fresh.

I found out when I had to back up his phone when he lost some pictures and all the text messages and pictures came back.

Lisa is the one he apparently carried on a relationship with. He only was with her a month and he told her he loved her, was staying with her at her house and she was coming over to his hotel room. He went dancing with her even though he's never taken me and he would check on her. He even seemed to get jealous over her when some guy was trying to talk to her and she told him about it. He even sent a picture of her to his mother ...... I cannot believe the amount of disrespect.

Staria is the older one he slept with on our anniversary. I called him a few times and couldn't get ahold of him. Lo and behold it was because he was in bed with her. She left him a vulgar message about could he still smell her in his room :/

All the while his friends in this class were egging him on. They were making a sick game of going to bars and hooking up with random women and then talking about it afterwards. Covering for one another, etc.

He swears up and down that he didn't mean anything he ever told Lisa. That he was blowing smoke up her tail in order to get what he wanted. That he loves me and wants to make this marriage work, but then I found out the night before he flew out she stayed with him and every night that week.

I made him get an STD check at the clinic which was embarrassing for us both and he had to explain to the clinic commander why he was doing it.

I want to believe him, that he honestly knows he made a mistake, but I am having a really hard time considering his past. Now all I can think about is, is he here because he wants to be here, or because he got caught and knows he can get in major trouble.

Why does he care so much now when he didn't care before? Why did he do this to me if he says he get's everything he needs from me and that he is happy with me. Why did he do it if I did nothing to cause it.

We've been to counseling but I feel like he is just saying what I want to hear because in all honestly I have now realized that, that is what he is good at. He can tell people what they want to hear in order to get what he wants or to take the attention off of him.

I'm so confused. I am driving myself crazy over this. I don't feel like myself. Most of all now anytime he's gone any amount of time I have these crazy thoughts running through my head or whenever he's on the phone or computer.

I don't know what to do. When I talked to these other women they didn't know about each other, so I guess they really were just hookups like he said but then they are telling me he talked about me behind my back, that he said we were having problems and that he wanted a divorce, but when I talk to him everything is fine......

He won't talk to me about the situation at all. He just says he knows he made a mistake and he's trying to correct it.

I need advice.
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheated on

Sorry you are here. It really sucks that you have to go through this while attempting to care for your young child.

You married a serial cheater. It's who he is, and he will not change.

It seems you realize that he is a sweet talker, and will tell you what he thinks you need to hear. Cheaters are fantastic liars. Don't listen to him. His actions will tell you everything you need to know.

BTW, he is only sorry he got caught. He isn't sorry for hurting you.

He will lay low for a while, pretend to "behave", and in another 6 months or year be at it again.

Trust your gut. You know you made a mistake marrying him. Do you want this guy to be a role model for your child?

Others will be along with more advice. Stay strong!
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Don't blame yourself for his cheating!
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by PSYKHE View Post
He ruined his 1st and 2nd marriage doing the same stuff. He assured me he had learned his lesson

I want to believe him, that he honestly knows he made a mistake, but I am having a really hard time considering his past. Now all I can think about is, is he here because he wants to be here, or because he got caught and knows he can get in major trouble.

Why does he care so much now when he didn't care before? Why did he do this to me if he says he get's everything he needs from me and that he is happy with me. Why did he do it if I did nothing to cause it.

He won't talk to me about the situation at all. He just says he knows he made a mistake and he's trying to correct it.

I need advice.
Obviously this is what he does. It's not you. It's him.

I don't know why he does it. It doesn't sound like he has any attachment to these women that he can give them up so easily.

Why does he say he does it? Not just the cheating on you, but in the past?
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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How long were his previous marriages? Does he have any other children? Does he badmouth his ex-wives?

You've been married three years. How long did you know him before that? Do you think this is the first time he's cheated on you since you've been with him?
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I hope that you can recover from this, focus on your kid, and leave this guy alone. He probably won't change, as he has had 2 other wives and continues down the same path. I now can speak on both sides of the coin, as someone who has cheated and developed control and tremendous will power to be faithful. It can be done, but it is a sincere and genuine act that comes from within. We all make mistakes, but it requires being forthcoming, honest and truthful. He has already shown that he is not willing do that. It's better to move on with your life, as hard as it may seem.

That is, unless you are the type that can deal with being in a relationship that is simply an arrangement, and no love exists. I don't say this to be callous, but that is how many people would prefer it. To look good on the outside and continue to be a train wreck on the inside...form over function. It's completely up to you.
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:44 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Lisa is the one he apparently carried on a relationship with. He only was with her a month and he told her he loved her, was staying with her at her house and she was coming over to his hotel room. He went dancing with her even though he's never taken me and he would check on her. He even seemed to get jealous over her when some guy was trying to talk to her and she told him about it. He even sent a picture of her to his mother ...... I cannot believe the amount of disrespect.
Why in the world would he send a picture of her to his mother? What did he tell his mother? "Hi Mom, this is the woman I'm cheating with"? What did his mother think of this?
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:48 AM   #8 (permalink)
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He never has an answer. That's what I don't understand. How can you never have an answer for something like this.....
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:50 AM   #9 (permalink)
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His mother said " I just want you to be happy with whoever you're with" and to not let this woman or an ex of hers ruin his career. She didn't say "stop," "you've done this before," "Think about what you could lose," nothing. I haven't talked to her since.
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:01 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I want to believe him, that he honestly knows he made a mistake, but I am having a really hard time considering his past. Now all I can think about is, is he here because he wants to be here, or because he got caught and knows he can get in major trouble.

We've been to counseling but I feel like he is just saying what I want to hear because in all honestly I have now realized that, that is what he is good at. He can tell people what they want to hear in order to get what he wants or to take the attention off of him.
What kind of major trouble can he get in that would keep him with you? I take it you're not talking about him being afraid of not being with his child?
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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His mother said " I just want you to be happy with whoever you're with" and to not let this woman or an ex of hers ruin his career. She didn't say "stop," "you've done this before," "Think about what you could lose," nothing. I haven't talked to her since.
So his mother has no particular fondness for you or even for the child you have with him? Just his career?
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
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The military is not very fond of cheaters. He could be charged. I think she is an enabler. She has allowed this to happen without taking time in the past to put on the brakes that now he thinks it's an acceptable action. I found a letter from his mother to him when his second marriage ended saying that " if he cheated on .... that she could understand why." I think it's a family issue.
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:30 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Maybe I'm just an idiot for thinking someone could or would want to change for me......
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:34 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I'm sure he loves his son but even with his other two kids, they hardly see or hear from him. He does his part I guess you could say but ... there have been times when he gets frustrated with the baby that he makes it a point to say how he doesn't want other children or how people having babies are crazy. How he can't handle certain things like the baby crying etc. and then he gets an attitude and says nasty things to me.
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:57 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I'm sure he loves his son but even with his other two kids, they hardly see or hear from him. He does his part I guess you could say but ... there have been times when he gets frustrated with the baby that he makes it a point to say how he doesn't want other children or how people having babies are crazy. How he can't handle certain things like the baby crying etc. and then he gets an attitude and says nasty things to me.
Psyche

He is the baby. You are married to a selfish, self centered, immature man.

And his mother is no better.

After 2 failed marriages I think the writing is on the wall.

Do not sell yourself short because you deserve better.

HM64
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