Should I be concerned?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-05-2013, 09:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I be concerned?

Hello All! There have been some online/email things (that I know of) that my wife has done/is doing and I'm fearful that things are going to end poorly for the marriage. I believe my wife is engaing (or planning to) in a EA. A brief history as follows...

My wife and I have been together a total of 10+ years. We have been married for roughly half of them. A few years ago we had suffered some major financial difficulties, but some actions took place before that. Also, I have a child (12) who was born from a previous failed marriage that I have joint custody and visitation of. I know, I know, before you say it may be me (as opposed to bad luck), the first failed marriage was a Jerry Springer/Maury Povich "You are the Father" type of deal where the paternity was in question so divorce was the logical decision for me.

Ok, now for my story (try to keep it to the short version)

I constantly am at odds and in court with my ex-wife. I am convinced that she hates me more than loves our son and must have figured that her adulterous behavior could be overlooked. She does all she can to attempt to limit and keep my son from me, but I have good lawyers (and the large bills to prove it!). My currect spouse hates my ex-spouse because of the way it impacts my son from the first marriage, that and she loves him very much. The ex-spouse thing is a major stressor to the marriage. My wife, in an attempt to do who knows what (says she was mad at me), completed a dating profile on Yahoo (back when they had that sort of thing) and at Match.com. Of course I found out (am a strong computer user) and noticed she didn't want kids and stated she was single...

...I have no idea if she ever met anybody either online or in person. When I confronted her with the information, she told me it had to do with the ex-spouse situation and wanted to get back at me because she "just knew I'd find out" (given I am computer talented let's say). With no proof of anything other than the profile page, I skeptically believed her and things became better with the relationship (we talked more, more affectionate, etc...).

Fast forward a few years to present: We had major financial difficulties due to the legal bills fighting for more visitation and to better the parenting plan and parenting agreement. We have addressed the money concerns and are recovering and will pull through. My wife and I both want children with one another. It took nearly 2.5 years for us to finally have one, but not after many IVF and infertility treatments (causing more bills) not to mention the pregnancy was high-risk and didn't go smooth (not to worry, our now 1 year old is in great health with no abnormalities!).

Post pregnancy, the marriage has suffered due to both of us working non-traditional jobs/hours. I can count on one hand the number of times we were intimate the past year. It is tough as we are always tired, exhausted, blah blah blah. Our little boy means the world to us and we don't put him with a sitter so my wife and I can have an evening out given how difficult it was to conceive and the road once we finally were able. I never suspected anything was going on with her until one day I left my laptop open and noticed she was reading all of my emails (fishing? curious? who knows, not this issue) as she forgot to close all the tabs she opened when she walked away.

One day, I went to pay a bill online and needed her email password to reset a forgot password to the bill paying site. I took the opportunity to view her emails since she has recently done so with me. What I found was an email chain between her and her last boyfriend from 10 years ago! I dind't seem too cordial and sounded like the OM was not interested/eager to converse with my wife. Disturbing was the fact that it was my wife who went out and found the OM's email address and contacted him!!! What I did learn was that the OM acknowledged getting X-Mas cards from my wife!!!!!! Also, my wife told the OM what she now does and shared her feelings of life with him which he could still care less about. She contacted her ex via email 3 days before my birthday (and 5 months since the birth of our child) !

But wait, there's more: 2 days before X-Mas my wife gets a strange letter in the mail with an old address of hers crossed-out and her current address listed. I didn't question, ask, snoop, etc... just made a mental note. A few days later, my wife says to me, over the phone, 'Oh, forgot to mention, this guy (not the ex from 10 yrs/ago) I used to correspond with in the military contacted me' followed by 'it's nothing, but wanted you to know' type of speech. As of today (right now) I have checked her email and found what appears at present, harmless getting to know you dialogue between the two of them. She told this OM2 she is married, has kids, where she works, and the content seems similar to things she would most likely say to me. It appears by the evolving tone she is more comfortable sharing more and more emotions with OM2. What bugs me is she emailed him on X-Mas Eve, X-Mas Day, New Year's, and a few times in between asking him lots of questions about his life and asked for his address to a house he is moving to (many miles and states away). Furthermore, I notice that she is emailing him at 4 in the morning while she is at work, and to compare/contrast, NEVER did that with me. I fear she is headed for and more than willing to partake in a EA. Am I wrong?

I did find that letter and it was a hey, thought about you and thought I'd look you up and here's my contact info.

Lastly, my wife tells me she wants to get a facebook page to talk about the "news and current events". She maintains a bogus facebook page which she tells me is to 'spy on people' like the ex-spouse and keep tabs what info. she posts about my 12 year old. Given the recent event(s) and past events, I accessed her facebook page with her email and found that indeed no info about my wife is available (she even gave a different date of birth then hers) nor does she have any "friends". I did however find that my wife routinely, almost daily, searches the pages of her past lovers/interests and their families. This further suggests that more is going on then I am being told. I did also notice that this OM2 is a contact in her phone, but only using initials and not a name like everyone else in the contacts. I pay the bill and nothing is revelaed in the phone. message, or data records (yet, I fear).

SO...should I be worried? What should I do? What should I watch for? What is your take on this?

I don't want to confront her yet without anything really happening, or at least proof thereof, plus she will then change passwords, only access things from her phone, etc...

Thank You for taking the time to read this post (and putting up with) the obvious over-use of hyphenated words and parentheses.
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Old 01-05-2013, 09:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

The good news is that you have no solid proof of an affair, either emotional or physical. The bad news is that it looks like you're Plan B and your wife is trolling for a Plan A.

So you don't necessarily need to act today, but you need to act. And you need to act decisively.

Don't worry about passwords. In a marriage, privacy is fine. Privacy means closing the door when you're in the bathroom. Secrecy, which is not allowing your spouse to see your phone/email/Facebook activity, is NOT cool. So if your wife tries to change her passwords, you just tell her to give you the new passwords, or you'll help her pack.

The way you quash a potential affair is by going ape man. Pure alpha. You need to scare her. Not necessarily that you're going to get physical with her. But that there is absolutely no chance that you're going to allow her to email her exes and live in your house at the same time.

If you come on real strong now, you can probably end anything before it gets going. But waiting is a dangerous game.

And you may want to put keylogger software on your home PC to check for secret email addresses you don't know about. Some disloyal spouses use those for affairs. Also, a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car will record any phone calls she makes when she believes she has a good place for secrecy.

I also recommend www.marriedmansexlife.com for some good information on marriage in general. He has a few blog posts on affairs and how to either head them off, or deal with the aftermath.

Good luck.
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Old 01-06-2013, 07:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

Yeah, you need to be worried. Your wife is working up to an affair. Your wife is losing interest in you as a worthy sex partner. Sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatslovegottodowithit? View Post
Post pregnancy, the marriage has suffered due to both of us working non-traditional jobs/hours. I can count on one hand the number of times we were intimate the past year. It is tough as we are always tired, exhausted, blah blah blah. Our little boy means the world to us and we don't put him with a sitter so my wife and I can have an evening out given how difficult it was to conceive and the road once we finally were able.
The best thing you can do for your son is to raise him in a loving two parent household. No way to keep that unless you make your wife and your together time a priority. You can't have what you want. Gonna have to find a relative or a sitter and get away. Every week, ideally, with some weekenders thrown in.

After fixing the above, you need to get your sex rank up by getting in top shape (waist 32 or better) and start dressing sharper.

As PHTL says, above download and read MMSL, and do it tonight. You would also do well to start studying the REAL dynamic in the battle of the sexes, which is female hypergamy. Where are you in the Male Hierarchy? While these are directed at single men, The Sixteen Commandments also apply in long term relationships.
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Old 01-06-2013, 09:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

Thanks for the feedback thus far!

@PHTlump - have a keylogger in place already, considering HelloSpy for mobile phone. Checking mobile records with carrier shows nothing unusual yet. As far as a VAR goes, will strongly consider and definently use once the phone records go a different way. Thank you for the advice and I agree, I need to address this soon!

@Machiavelli I understand what you are saying. Less time together with me can/will mean more time for the OM+. I will check out the articles you recommend!
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

***Quick Update***

I just checked my wife's email (she's at work) and found that she just sent another email to the newest 'email guy' at 4:30. The tone wasn't terrible, although different than how she speaks to me. I didn't know that speaks like a teenage girl (i.e. BAHAHAHAHA, and LOL and such). What was weird is that she remarked that she onlly aksed his marital/dating status so that she wouldn't get another woman mad at her (Wow, how about another guy, like your husband) and went on to share feelings of the past that aren't shared with or spoken to me, not to mention that her employer has a no cell phone/no email rule while at work.

This frustrates me to no end! If I would have known that she would contact ex-boyfriends, check on past lovers on Facebook, and have a email dialogue with some ex-military dude, we would not have struggled through IVF for a child.

I am strongly considering emailing the OM and letting him know that I'm aware what is happening and tell him how, in the past, this woman has created dating profiles and now also checks your Facebook, along with past romantic interets, almost daily and emails you on the Holidays and from places she must feel safe doing so from like from her cell phone and while at work which is possibly jeopardizing her job.

I will update when I do something/something changes, but in the meanwhile I appreciate the feedback and input thus far!!
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatslovegottodowithit? View Post
I am strongly considering emailing the OM and letting him know that I'm aware what is happening and tell him how, in the past, this woman has created dating profiles and now also checks your Facebook, along with past romantic interets, almost daily and emails you on the Holidays and from places she must feel safe doing so from like from her cell phone and while at work which is possibly jeopardizing her job.
I'd recommend NOT doing this because you really don't want to tip your hand and have your wife go underground. Especially when you don't really have any concrete evidence of anything.

That keylogger is a reliable source to let you know if your wife is or is planning on stepping out on you. If you email this guy and it gets back to her, she's going to find other ways to sneak around on you. Ways that might not be as easy to keep track of or monitor than the one you already have and she doesn't know anything about.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Also, wifey called this morning to ask how dropping off our son at the sitter went blah blah blah. I asked if work was busy and her reply was that it was steady ( yet she had time to send a lengthy email ).

@jasel I see your point about not confronting her/OM just yet.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

You need to read Married Man Sex LIfe right now. Downlaod it Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Print off her email, show it to her tonight. Tell her you need all access, transparency to all her texts, emails, passwords etc.

She has to delete all facebook accts.

One more email/text/conv with another man and you WILL file for divorce.

If you do not jump on this with both feet now and man up you family WILL be destroyed. Is this action guaranteed no , but its your only shot.

DO NOT WAIT AROUND WILL SHE STARTS AN AFFAIR

You alos need to demand MC to see why she is so deseperately looking for another man.

You should be angry, controlled and strong. Do not act ,needy weepy or insecure.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

WOW, it seems like your wife is shopping for a relationship! Either that or she has stalker tendencies...she seems to cling to anyone that will give her time of day.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

Also let his wife know he is chatting up your wife.
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Your description of your marriage suggests a lot of underlying issues - financial problems, lack of sex, a stressful child custody battle, and non-traditional
work schedules leading to little time to spend together cultivating the marriage.

It doesn't sound like your wife has done anything physical yet but it does sound like she is relaxing her boundaries and allowing herself to enjoy talking
to other men. This is a symptom of your marriage being in trouble. Rather than confront her or just simply spy on her you need to talk to
her about concerns in the marriage and how you feel like things are drifting apart. Also suggest counseling. If she doesn't think anything is wrong
or isn't willing to put in the work to improve things then you will have a red flag bigger than anything you have now. I think if you confront now without 100% solid evidence you just risk pushing her further away and creating another layer that you'll have to get through later.
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Old 01-12-2013, 08:48 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatslovegottodowithit? View Post
I just checked my wife's email (she's at work) and found that she just sent another email to the newest 'email guy' at 4:30. The tone wasn't terrible, although different than how she speaks to me. I didn't know that speaks like a teenage girl (i.e. BAHAHAHAHA, and LOL and such).
It's not surprising. New romantic interests flood our brains with various chemicals such as dopamine. Teenagers are continually in and out of relationships, or crushes. So they're constantly bombarded by these brain chemicals. And, thus, wayward spouses often act like love struck teenagers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatslovegottodowithit? View Post
What was weird is that she remarked that she onlly aksed his marital/dating status so that she wouldn't get another woman mad at her ...
Which shows you intent. This isn't a woman innocently, but foolishly, trying to reconnect with an old friend. This is a woman who is trying to reconnect for the purpose of romance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatslovegottodowithit? View Post
This frustrates me to no end! If I would have known that she would contact ex-boyfriends, check on past lovers on Facebook, and have a email dialogue with some ex-military dude, we would not have struggled through IVF for a child.
Yep. Jokes on you, bud. I don't know what you tell you. Most men don't find themselves in this situation until kids are in the picture. You're not alone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatslovegottodowithit? View Post
I am strongly considering emailing the OM and letting him know that I'm aware what is happening and tell him how, in the past, this woman has created dating profiles and now also checks your Facebook, along with past romantic interets, almost daily and emails you on the Holidays and from places she must feel safe doing so from like from her cell phone and while at work which is possibly jeopardizing her job.
Don't do this. First, it tips your hand on your source. Try your best to avoid that. If your wife knows your source, she will try to take things underground. She can use computers at work, or friend's, or buy a prepaid phone to use.

Second, it won't have any affect on the OM. He knows your wife is untrustworthy. She's trying to be unfaithful to him. Telling him that she's a cheating skank (or at least trying to be) is not new information for him.

The best thing that could be accomplished is her knowing that you're on to her, and her changing her behavior. That is possible without tipping your hand.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatslovegottodowithit? View Post
I will update when I do something/something changes, but in the meanwhile I appreciate the feedback and input thus far!!
I think your best strategy is to read MMSL and run the MAP. Then, pick some of her public actions that she knows you know about. Has she friended this guy on her Facebook that you can see? If so, put your foot down on that. And be prepared for her fake indignation that she only friended him so he could see pictures of her blissfully happy life with you and she would never dream of cheating and you're a bastard for being jealous. Don't argue with her. Just tell her that she crossed the line that makes you feel uncomfortable. She can't argue against your emotions. And tell her that if she doesn't cease contact, your relationship will change. That leaves you free to file for separation, or divorce, or just start pulling away from her because you don't love her as much as you used to before she started flirting with other men.

If there's nothing public, then try to scheme some excuse for finding something private. Your phone battery died, so you had to use hers and you noticed the message from the guy when you went to send a text message. Your email locked up and you had to use hers, etc. The risk with this is that you risk pushing the affair underground. At a minimum, she will probably start password protecting her phone. Of course, that won't matter to you if you have spyware on it.

Whatever course you take, you need to have a plan for when this is exposed. Once she knows that you know, you need to take action immediately. Having a plan makes that much easier. If you plan to file for separation, go see a lawyer now. Or at least know how to fill out the paperwork yourself. If you want to file for divorce, ditto. Immediately handing her paperwork, or at least within a day or so, may snap your wife out of her fog.

But waffling when your wife knows that you know she's been trolling for better men is a serious display of low value. Even if you eventually file for separation, she may have convinced herself that she was right to try to land another man.

Good luck.
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Old 03-02-2013, 11:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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It has been some time since I last posted and don't have much new information to report.

Up until last week, the last email she received was on 1/11 when wifey told me was very busy at work. In a previous email, the OM gave my wife his 'new' address to a house he was moving to in TN from VA (we are in Chicago). Apparently, my wife sent him a congratulations on your new house card and he emailed her to tell her that he received it and it "made his day". He also suggested that my wife can contact him on FB and gave the name he uses if she wanted to talk on there. I saw the email before wife knew it was there (email client shows bold sender name and never returns even if kept as new) and read it, archived it for me, then deleted it. My wife has made no effort to contact him nor him her.

I do have keyloggers in place and spyware on her phone which gives me txts, pics, vids, internet history, etc... and no further red flags have surfaced. I do check her email(s) account(s) daily along with the cellphone webite (spyware and verizon). Her FB account, for those reading thread for the first time, uses a bogus name and details (she says to keep tabs on my ex and child) still shows she twice weekly searches/views pages of past romantic interests and their spouses. The only FB chat was with someone she identified herself as a former schoolmate of and wanted to know if she married another classmate. My wife never revealed her 'true' identity.

I have not confronted as I don't have anything yet other then the first guy, OM1, that she contacted and tried to remind him that when they were together 10 years ago that things weren't that bad (the relationship). I'm saving that for when (praying not the case) something more concrete happens to establish a pattern.

We have agreed that our schedules provide no time together (I work 24 hours on and 48 hours off and she works 12 hour shifts at night 3 X a week) and we have planned an actual date night together next weekend to a restaurant we used to frequent before our now 13 month old came along. I need more than my fingers and toes now to count how often we have had sex since the birth of our son. It's not as often as it should be, but it's heading the right way.

How have I changed? I have decided to take my time off of work in a manner that will allow me to take a shift off once a month vs. a cluster a few times a year. On those 5 days off (work 24 on/48 off) we do simple things together like grocery shopping, baby shopping, and get a bite to eat at child-friendly places when she doesn't have to work. It may not sound like much, but it is more than just seeing one another in passing off the baby. I have been absorbing all the advice given in the forums should one day I need it. In areas where I may have some knowledge (technology comes to mind) I have posted to some threads.

I doubt my story is over, but seems to be heading on a far better course. I will forever be vigilant for more red flags. I will be providing updates when/if they surface. Thank You all again for your time and advice!!!
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Old 03-02-2013, 11:59 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I be concerned?

Everything seems to be safe, but your wife has a prediliction, for going off and talking to other men

The two of you need to sit down a couple of times a week, and talk about your life together, problems, how things are going, I am sure you know what I mean---this needs to be done, no matter what your work schedules dictate----somewhere during one of these coversations, you need to discuss her talking to other men, and you need to bring up the fact that married wives and mothers---DO NOT talk to other men, thru e-mail, regular mail, social media, cellphones, texts, and whatever else you want to throw in, and it needs to become a boundary-----both of you need to understand---what she is doing, no matter how innocent she thinks it is---is not in the script of a married woman-----whether she thinks it or not---she is out looking for contact with other men---it MUST stop. If done the right way by you, she will understand that she is hurting you, but by the same token, she may not pick up, that you are keeping surveillance on her.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:24 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Things are going well for the time-being. The more time together, the more the baby sleeps, and the more we talk has definitely helped! W has a recent (week ago) Dx (diagnosis) of Diabetes. Not a life sentence, not brought on by poor lifestyle, but never really cleared from gestation and was getting worse as far as trending blood sugars creeping higher. This will help us to both eat better as my W's health requires it.

We had a talk about her contact with other men in a most indirect circumstance that seems to have stopped her email contact and FB stalking of past lovers. It all came about when watching a movie where the W has an affair (movie title unimportant, pick any really) and once the movie was over, we critiqued it. I brought up the fact that this woman was adulterous and the turmoil the ensued was brought-on by her actions. My W was quick to point out that the H was not nice, never around, blah blah blah to which I lost it and yelled "That's no excuse!". I continued to hammer many points/truths that I have learned here on TAM about infidelity in marriage. I told her there is also no such things as "work husbands" and explained what I thought about EA's. ***I can continue, but I think you get the point*** I also, over the past few months, was extremely vocal anytime my W mentioned marital problems/issues with her friends, family, co-workers, etc...about the partnership a M forms, transparency, etc...

Having that kind of discussion didn't tip my hand as to the surveillance I have in place. I hope it never reveals another "red flag" again. I hope I can get to a point where I'm not routinely feeling the need to check my W's online footprints...I'm getting there!! Wonders if her recent Dx and my remarks of marriage and infidelity have brought on this change? I'd like to think it has, but only time will tell how successful it was. I don't want to let on what I know about her past online/email activity for fear if she's aware, it can go underground (learned that here).

Bedroom session frequency returning to normal levels slowly. Again, work schedules really mess with it, but spontaneity rearing its head more so than post baby (was non-existent). Not much more to say on that.

I now know that no matter how cruel advice on here may be, it is NOT misguided and applies/applied to many past issues people have had. Once I accepted that and that I may be Plan B, I was able to make changes and speak about what is important and how I feel. I make more of the decisions no matter how little of importance they may be like what we will have for dinner vs. idk, what do you want, or what appetizer we are having vs. what do you suggest. I plan/map-out our activities and our time together. Guess you could surmise (I do at least) that I'm more Alpha then I was before I came here and it isn't yielding negative results, in fact, when I told my W I would pick the appetizer (I know, odd example) she replied "So you're ordering for us? Good!". I now see the need to maintain and build upon this based on the results.

I'd love some feedback on what I'm doing right and if it seems I'm handling this correctly? I'd also like to know what I am doing incorrectly, not enough of, or not at all?

Thank you again for your time and responses!!
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