Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-07-2013, 09:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

Hello all, I am new and need some help from people who can relate with my situation. I discovered my husband affair, when he pocket dialed my work # and left a 3 min message of him talking to this woman. At first it sounded innocent, then he said "I called you from the office phone and your husband answered so I hung up and texted you" well to make a long story short, he swore up and down they were "just friends" and the funny thing is they work with her husband too. Well he "gaslighted" me, made me feel horrible for even thinking he would cheat on me, "I am the liar because of my problem with painkillers" even though he is an alcoholic..."he doesn't trust me, I have male friends" "I am looney tunes, he swore on his child's life he had nothing more than a friendship going on". So I played the role of the "dumb spouse" and hacked his email and he had one email he sent to his trash, to that girl saying "I miss you" "wanna f&$/", etc and then was sending me texts telling me "I love you thanks for lunch"...real heart breaking stuff. I confronted him and he admitted to it finally, but all the sudden it is my fault he cheated. He cheated to get caught to get out of his marriage. Even though he did everything to cover his tracks. It has been a month since I confronted him and I just barely will talk to him over text. And it has to do with finances or getting misc crap he left at my home. I have not seen him in over 2 weeks and we were together 5 years. I want a divorce, this will be his 3rd failed marriage and my 1st. I am growing stronger, but I don't get how I was the one to shoulder the whole blame for our problems. He was emotionally and mentally abusive, destructive to my home broke many of my things. I feel very broken and really need some help understanding. I know I have caused problems with our marriage lying about pills, just to find out he was hiding bottles of alcohol in our garage and drinking himself stupid while I was at work. He was/is very good at manipulated me into thinking I am the cause of all our problems. I am getting help for my addiction, but I will tell you this has been very challenging during this time. Sorry this so long. Can anyone relate? I shamefully went and got an STD test Wed. This has just been A nightmare.
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Old 01-07-2013, 10:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

First, it was not your fault at all.

Second, it was not your fault at all.

Third, it was not your fault at all.

I understand your addiction and you need help, but that is no reason to betray your spouse. None. It's a coward's way out.

Make sure the other woman's husband is fully aware of what's been going on.

And don't take this 3-time loser back.
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Old 01-07-2013, 10:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

People who cheat blame the other spouse very often. That's normal.

You and he share responsibility for the state of your marriage. You both have addiction problems.

He alone is responsible for his choice to have an affair.

Make sure you notify her husband of the affair. He has a right to know what's been going on in his marriage. Give him any evidence you have so that she cannot tell him that you are just a crazy, drugged up jealous wife trying to cause trouble.
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Old 01-07-2013, 10:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

Quit.

He swore on children that he did not lie. You found evidence and then he admitted.

Lier. Lier. Lier.

Your hiding the truth about painkillers is in no way equal to his physical cheating with a MARRIED COWORKER.

Quit.
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Old 01-08-2013, 08:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

My STBXH denied, denied, denied. After I threw him out, it became my fault. When I refused to accept his distorted view of the world, the SOB blamed our daughter who discovered the A. He absolutely refuses to take responsibility for anything.
We are stronger than they know.
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Old 01-08-2013, 08:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

You did tell the OW's husband ..................right?
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Old 01-08-2013, 09:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

It is not uncommon for the cheater to blame the BS. He is still in the A is my bet. Did you expose to the OW's husband. I understand how you felt about the STD test it was a real low point for me. I did nothing wrong my wife cheated and thier telling my doctor why I need to be checked for STD's

It is not your fault, do not fall for that crap. It is called blame shifting. Stay strong.

Expose the A to the OW's husband and his family ASAP. How old are the kids?
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Old 01-08-2013, 09:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

As everyone else here has said, its not your fault. Nothing about it is your fault. If there were issues they should have been addressed but it was HE who made the decision to cheat rather then deal with the issue. Its all on him, dont carry one ounce of baggage for that.

Saying he did it to get caught to get out of the marriage is a lie, you know that. He'll regret those words one day!

DEFINITELY tell the OW's husband, especially if he works there and let him handle his wife and your husband. PLEASE do that ASAP!!
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Old 01-08-2013, 08:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

Thank you all for responding. I have not told my STBX AP husband. I wouldn't know how or where to begin. It is very obvious if he was to look at their phone bill. My coworkers brother used to work with her husband and I guess she has done this before (I don't know if he knows). I just want out of this marriage peacefully. She can have him. If he is willing to wager everything on her, including his job...then I guess she is worth it. He has a 15 yr old son from a previous marriage and I have a 15 year I had when I was 17. He has been a father to her for almost 6 years. He abandoned me and her. Then blamed everything on me. My question is what did her husband and kid do to him, to deserve this. I am severely damaged right now, but ill get through it. Thanks for your support.
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Old 01-08-2013, 09:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

Cheaters don't think about all the collateral damage they are causing.

Cheaters are selfish. They care about themselves, and getting their ego-kibbles.

Blame-shifting is "justification tactic #1" from the cheaters handbook. Don't let it get to you. It does give you a window into the workings of a cheater's sick mind, though.

You sound strong. Chin up!
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Old 01-08-2013, 09:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband cheated with married coworker and he blames me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thatbpguy View Post
First, it was not your fault at all.

Second, it was not your fault at all.

Third, it was not your fault at all.

I understand your addiction and you need help, but that is no reason to betray your spouse. None. It's a coward's way out.

Make sure the other woman's husband is fully aware of what's been going on.

And don't take this 3-time loser back.
i totally agree with this
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Agreed with comments, but if he is blaming you than deep down inside he feels justified in his actions.
I don't believe he feels justified. If he felt justified why would he had kept it a secret? If you feel you're in the right why not come out and say I am screwing another woman who is married? He lied, swore on the life of his child and did whatever he could to make me think it was in his head. He even told me he was living a lie and wanted to know how I hacked his email. So if he was going to all this trouble explaining away his actions as "my imagination" how did he feel justified? I remember a week before the pocket dial, he was being overly nice to me...which made me scratch my head (overcompensating for his guilty feelings) and then after the pocket dial he was cold and distant, trying to blame me for things to take the feeling of being wrong and unjustified away from himself and putting it all on to me.
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Wait, wholly crap did you type all of that on a phone?
Yep
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:56 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Then why do you stay there? I mean you know whats going on and he knows that you know, so why deal with it?
I am not staying with him. He moved out of our home (that I owned previously) on Dec. 8...we are getting divorced. I am just sick of him blaming this all on me. Take some responsibility. I know I sure have, probably more than I need too!
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Old 01-08-2013, 11:13 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Well then dang your golden, and the hell with him. And dang thats pretty good for using a phone, **** I am using a keyboard and I am slower than you.
Thanks! I am very attached to my phone. And yes, I am golden. It sucks and I wish it were different. But unfortunately it's not. A physical affair with your married co worker and then coming home and getting some from your wife and blaming it on you is a deal breaker. They can live in their delusional fantasy land with one another.
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