<Sigh> I have read a ton of these since D-Day so I will try to include all relevant details. I feal like I need to get my story out there even though It seems I have already found a hundred just like it, I guess I havent found the answers I am looking for.
I am 35 W is 34 married 14 years 2 kids 14 and 9. In hindsight I will preface my story and say that I think I have not paid as much attention to my wife as I should have for going on 2 years now. I chose to hang out with my buddies and drink beers over her company on many occasions.
Ok, so we built and closed on our first house this past year as well. During the final few weeks prior to Closing on our new house we lived in a Hotel room. One night in the hotel room we got into a fight and my wife left with the kids. I did not think much of the fight at the time (my concern was that she come back to the same hotel room and not waste money on a second room), but this is where my story begins. Appearantly, after she left our room that night she began talking to an old high school ex BF (on the phone & in another state). She did come back to our room that night and did not "waste" any money on a second room. So in my mind, life goes on. Over the next few weeks I start noticing she is going for walks by herself. or running errands without our kids (she has always done EVERYTHING with our kids).
After we closed on our house I thought things would have a sort of return to normalcy. I was WAY wrong. The week after we closed on our first home, she insisted on taking a trip without me or our kids back east to visit her mother. I could not understand why she would want to take such a trip only a week after we closed on our house, but her mother can be very controlling and she said her mother had insisted she make it in for some family BBQ. After she returned from her trip she was back to her same tricks more errands less kids lots of alone time and began acting suspicious. I have never been a jealous husband, in fact, I am less bothered by other men hitting on my wife than she is (she is a very attractive woman). I have always been very confident in her love for me.
About 2 months after the night of the fight in the hotel, I came home a little tipsy one night and having had suspicions for the first time in my life with this woman I grabbed her cell phone as she was texting away next to me in our bed. She immediately looked shocked and scared that I was about to uncover something BIG, and she broke down and began crying. I tried to unlock the phone but did not know the password, so she said to give it to her and she would type it in...but she wanted to tell me first before I read anything, which I agreed too.
She proceeded to tell me she had been talking to her highschool ex for a few months now and she was thinking about leaving me. she admitted to an EA but denied that it had gotten physical. By the time she was finished telling me of EA she had slipped into her phone and deleted all text messages, so I'm not sure what evidence got erased. I suppose this was my first eye opening...I did not get any sleep that night, I couldnt understand what she was telling me or how that could happen (Why didnt she talk to me?) the next day I took off work and told her was going to work on forgiving her and that I wanted our marriage to work, she offered to delete her Facebook turn her phone off whatever it took she was in, "lets save the marriage".
As time went on I noticed her suspicious behavior just became more suspicious locking herself in the bathroom for extended periods of time multiple times a day etc. So I logged into my cell phone account and began looking at cell phone activity. AH HA she is calling and texting this guy every day multiple times a day and he too. I decide to use this new information as a sort of barometer to gauge my sucess with her. I wont tell her I know about the texts and calls and eventually they will slow and cease.
Nope, they continue and I begin to feel betrayed daily. now 4 months from the hotel room fight we blow up at each other. She says she is gone and I am almost in agreement. But no I calm her down a few hours later, explain to her that our love is strong and that neither one of us has a chance as long as she is continuing the EA. She agrees and all communication appears to cease (at least off the cell phone bill) I believe she is still talking to the guy through any of a hundred other ways that I cant track, but decide I am going to beat him and win. I become super husband / super dad. This only pisses her off more. It seems the harder I try to win her affection the angrier she gets at me. So I try harder.
ok so 6 months after the hotel fight she she buys plane tickets for her and our kids to go back east to her mothers. She did this behind my back but I found the bank statement charges and confronted her. She was very nice about it and said, that she had to buy them when she did they were the last seats blah blah and she didnt think I would mind but she also didnt have enough money to buy my ticket. Well I (being superhusband) agree to her and the kids going to her mothers afterall what could she do, our kids are with her.
Well once she got away from me she was like a dog off the leash. I couldnt get her on the phone I would talk to my kids everyday and they would talk about mommy being out with friends. So my wife was spending alot of time out and without the kids. This grew my suspicion so I vowed to work even harder when she returned and that I should have never stayed behind. The day they returned I was very excited she would surely see how hard I was working for her affection and I would never let her out of my sight again. However after being home for about 15 minutes she told me we need to talk. I thought this was great because she had been so distant and cold for the last 6 months that we were finally going to get somewhere. She informed me that she was not happy, needed space to find herself, lost herself, needed to miss me again etc.
She had seen a lawyer a month before and looked into divorce but couldnt pull the trigger. She did however, rent an apartment 5 miles from our house (shared with one of her female coworkers who was unhappy in her marriage) and said she was moving out. She said she could not divorce me so she felt like there must be something left. She also agreed to marriage counseling (which I have propmply scheduled an appointment). We also agreed to a weekly date night. Talked about money and how we would share time with the kids. She left on Saturday. The Kids will stay with me while she works nights for half the week, then will stay with her for the second half...she is also picking up from school and stays with them in our home until I get home.
I am devastated but I have only texted her once since she left. I told her to let me know if she needed anything and that she was welcome home whenever she found what she was looking for. The day after she left we both attended my Son's basketball practice. It was extremely awkward as I did not know if I was supposed to talk to her, but I felt like an A-hole if I just sat there quiet. So I told her I was going to leave and that I supported her cause for "space" and did not feel like it was going to have it desired effect if we were around each other everyday and that we should save our conversations for date night and counseling. I have broken down several times since she left, I am strong in front of my kids but I want her to come home quickly. Sorry if this thing turned into a novel.
her txt back to me:
Thank u. I appreciate all of ur efforts and I hope we get through this. We are strong. I think I just lost myself somehow. I love our family. Im sorry for the disappointment. I've been a mess for a while now and should have never let it get to this point.
I am 35 W is 34 married 14 years 2 kids 14 and 9. In hindsight I will preface my story and say that I think I have not paid as much attention to my wife as I should have for going on 2 years now. I chose to hang out with my buddies and drink beers over her company on many occasions.
Ok, so we built and closed on our first house this past year as well. During the final few weeks prior to Closing on our new house we lived in a Hotel room. One night in the hotel room we got into a fight and my wife left with the kids. I did not think much of the fight at the time (my concern was that she come back to the same hotel room and not waste money on a second room), but this is where my story begins. Appearantly, after she left our room that night she began talking to an old high school ex BF (on the phone & in another state). She did come back to our room that night and did not "waste" any money on a second room. So in my mind, life goes on. Over the next few weeks I start noticing she is going for walks by herself. or running errands without our kids (she has always done EVERYTHING with our kids).
After we closed on our house I thought things would have a sort of return to normalcy. I was WAY wrong. The week after we closed on our first home, she insisted on taking a trip without me or our kids back east to visit her mother. I could not understand why she would want to take such a trip only a week after we closed on our house, but her mother can be very controlling and she said her mother had insisted she make it in for some family BBQ. After she returned from her trip she was back to her same tricks more errands less kids lots of alone time and began acting suspicious. I have never been a jealous husband, in fact, I am less bothered by other men hitting on my wife than she is (she is a very attractive woman). I have always been very confident in her love for me.
About 2 months after the night of the fight in the hotel, I came home a little tipsy one night and having had suspicions for the first time in my life with this woman I grabbed her cell phone as she was texting away next to me in our bed. She immediately looked shocked and scared that I was about to uncover something BIG, and she broke down and began crying. I tried to unlock the phone but did not know the password, so she said to give it to her and she would type it in...but she wanted to tell me first before I read anything, which I agreed too.
She proceeded to tell me she had been talking to her highschool ex for a few months now and she was thinking about leaving me. she admitted to an EA but denied that it had gotten physical. By the time she was finished telling me of EA she had slipped into her phone and deleted all text messages, so I'm not sure what evidence got erased. I suppose this was my first eye opening...I did not get any sleep that night, I couldnt understand what she was telling me or how that could happen (Why didnt she talk to me?) the next day I took off work and told her was going to work on forgiving her and that I wanted our marriage to work, she offered to delete her Facebook turn her phone off whatever it took she was in, "lets save the marriage".
As time went on I noticed her suspicious behavior just became more suspicious locking herself in the bathroom for extended periods of time multiple times a day etc. So I logged into my cell phone account and began looking at cell phone activity. AH HA she is calling and texting this guy every day multiple times a day and he too. I decide to use this new information as a sort of barometer to gauge my sucess with her. I wont tell her I know about the texts and calls and eventually they will slow and cease.
Nope, they continue and I begin to feel betrayed daily. now 4 months from the hotel room fight we blow up at each other. She says she is gone and I am almost in agreement. But no I calm her down a few hours later, explain to her that our love is strong and that neither one of us has a chance as long as she is continuing the EA. She agrees and all communication appears to cease (at least off the cell phone bill) I believe she is still talking to the guy through any of a hundred other ways that I cant track, but decide I am going to beat him and win. I become super husband / super dad. This only pisses her off more. It seems the harder I try to win her affection the angrier she gets at me. So I try harder.
ok so 6 months after the hotel fight she she buys plane tickets for her and our kids to go back east to her mothers. She did this behind my back but I found the bank statement charges and confronted her. She was very nice about it and said, that she had to buy them when she did they were the last seats blah blah and she didnt think I would mind but she also didnt have enough money to buy my ticket. Well I (being superhusband) agree to her and the kids going to her mothers afterall what could she do, our kids are with her.
Well once she got away from me she was like a dog off the leash. I couldnt get her on the phone I would talk to my kids everyday and they would talk about mommy being out with friends. So my wife was spending alot of time out and without the kids. This grew my suspicion so I vowed to work even harder when she returned and that I should have never stayed behind. The day they returned I was very excited she would surely see how hard I was working for her affection and I would never let her out of my sight again. However after being home for about 15 minutes she told me we need to talk. I thought this was great because she had been so distant and cold for the last 6 months that we were finally going to get somewhere. She informed me that she was not happy, needed space to find herself, lost herself, needed to miss me again etc.
She had seen a lawyer a month before and looked into divorce but couldnt pull the trigger. She did however, rent an apartment 5 miles from our house (shared with one of her female coworkers who was unhappy in her marriage) and said she was moving out. She said she could not divorce me so she felt like there must be something left. She also agreed to marriage counseling (which I have propmply scheduled an appointment). We also agreed to a weekly date night. Talked about money and how we would share time with the kids. She left on Saturday. The Kids will stay with me while she works nights for half the week, then will stay with her for the second half...she is also picking up from school and stays with them in our home until I get home.
I am devastated but I have only texted her once since she left. I told her to let me know if she needed anything and that she was welcome home whenever she found what she was looking for. The day after she left we both attended my Son's basketball practice. It was extremely awkward as I did not know if I was supposed to talk to her, but I felt like an A-hole if I just sat there quiet. So I told her I was going to leave and that I supported her cause for "space" and did not feel like it was going to have it desired effect if we were around each other everyday and that we should save our conversations for date night and counseling. I have broken down several times since she left, I am strong in front of my kids but I want her to come home quickly. Sorry if this thing turned into a novel.
her txt back to me:
Thank u. I appreciate all of ur efforts and I hope we get through this. We are strong. I think I just lost myself somehow. I love our family. Im sorry for the disappointment. I've been a mess for a while now and should have never let it get to this point.