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My Story

71K views 282 replies 33 participants last post by  sandc 
#1 · (Edited)
<Sigh> I have read a ton of these since D-Day so I will try to include all relevant details. I feal like I need to get my story out there even though It seems I have already found a hundred just like it, I guess I havent found the answers I am looking for.

I am 35 W is 34 married 14 years 2 kids 14 and 9. In hindsight I will preface my story and say that I think I have not paid as much attention to my wife as I should have for going on 2 years now. I chose to hang out with my buddies and drink beers over her company on many occasions.

Ok, so we built and closed on our first house this past year as well. During the final few weeks prior to Closing on our new house we lived in a Hotel room. One night in the hotel room we got into a fight and my wife left with the kids. I did not think much of the fight at the time (my concern was that she come back to the same hotel room and not waste money on a second room), but this is where my story begins. Appearantly, after she left our room that night she began talking to an old high school ex BF (on the phone & in another state). She did come back to our room that night and did not "waste" any money on a second room. So in my mind, life goes on. Over the next few weeks I start noticing she is going for walks by herself. or running errands without our kids (she has always done EVERYTHING with our kids).

After we closed on our house I thought things would have a sort of return to normalcy. I was WAY wrong. The week after we closed on our first home, she insisted on taking a trip without me or our kids back east to visit her mother. I could not understand why she would want to take such a trip only a week after we closed on our house, but her mother can be very controlling and she said her mother had insisted she make it in for some family BBQ. After she returned from her trip she was back to her same tricks more errands less kids lots of alone time and began acting suspicious. I have never been a jealous husband, in fact, I am less bothered by other men hitting on my wife than she is (she is a very attractive woman). I have always been very confident in her love for me.

About 2 months after the night of the fight in the hotel, I came home a little tipsy one night and having had suspicions for the first time in my life with this woman I grabbed her cell phone as she was texting away next to me in our bed. She immediately looked shocked and scared that I was about to uncover something BIG, and she broke down and began crying. I tried to unlock the phone but did not know the password, so she said to give it to her and she would type it in...but she wanted to tell me first before I read anything, which I agreed too.

She proceeded to tell me she had been talking to her highschool ex for a few months now and she was thinking about leaving me. she admitted to an EA but denied that it had gotten physical. By the time she was finished telling me of EA she had slipped into her phone and deleted all text messages, so I'm not sure what evidence got erased. I suppose this was my first eye opening...I did not get any sleep that night, I couldnt understand what she was telling me or how that could happen (Why didnt she talk to me?) the next day I took off work and told her was going to work on forgiving her and that I wanted our marriage to work, she offered to delete her Facebook turn her phone off whatever it took she was in, "lets save the marriage".

As time went on I noticed her suspicious behavior just became more suspicious locking herself in the bathroom for extended periods of time multiple times a day etc. So I logged into my cell phone account and began looking at cell phone activity. AH HA she is calling and texting this guy every day multiple times a day and he too. I decide to use this new information as a sort of barometer to gauge my sucess with her. I wont tell her I know about the texts and calls and eventually they will slow and cease.

Nope, they continue and I begin to feel betrayed daily. now 4 months from the hotel room fight we blow up at each other. She says she is gone and I am almost in agreement. But no I calm her down a few hours later, explain to her that our love is strong and that neither one of us has a chance as long as she is continuing the EA. She agrees and all communication appears to cease (at least off the cell phone bill) I believe she is still talking to the guy through any of a hundred other ways that I cant track, but decide I am going to beat him and win. I become super husband / super dad. This only pisses her off more. It seems the harder I try to win her affection the angrier she gets at me. So I try harder.

ok so 6 months after the hotel fight she she buys plane tickets for her and our kids to go back east to her mothers. She did this behind my back but I found the bank statement charges and confronted her. She was very nice about it and said, that she had to buy them when she did they were the last seats blah blah and she didnt think I would mind but she also didnt have enough money to buy my ticket. Well I (being superhusband) agree to her and the kids going to her mothers afterall what could she do, our kids are with her.

Well once she got away from me she was like a dog off the leash. I couldnt get her on the phone I would talk to my kids everyday and they would talk about mommy being out with friends. So my wife was spending alot of time out and without the kids. This grew my suspicion so I vowed to work even harder when she returned and that I should have never stayed behind. The day they returned I was very excited she would surely see how hard I was working for her affection and I would never let her out of my sight again. However after being home for about 15 minutes she told me we need to talk. I thought this was great because she had been so distant and cold for the last 6 months that we were finally going to get somewhere. She informed me that she was not happy, needed space to find herself, lost herself, needed to miss me again etc.

She had seen a lawyer a month before and looked into divorce but couldnt pull the trigger. She did however, rent an apartment 5 miles from our house (shared with one of her female coworkers who was unhappy in her marriage) and said she was moving out. She said she could not divorce me so she felt like there must be something left. She also agreed to marriage counseling (which I have propmply scheduled an appointment). We also agreed to a weekly date night. Talked about money and how we would share time with the kids. She left on Saturday. The Kids will stay with me while she works nights for half the week, then will stay with her for the second half...she is also picking up from school and stays with them in our home until I get home.

I am devastated but I have only texted her once since she left. I told her to let me know if she needed anything and that she was welcome home whenever she found what she was looking for. The day after she left we both attended my Son's basketball practice. It was extremely awkward as I did not know if I was supposed to talk to her, but I felt like an A-hole if I just sat there quiet. So I told her I was going to leave and that I supported her cause for "space" and did not feel like it was going to have it desired effect if we were around each other everyday and that we should save our conversations for date night and counseling. I have broken down several times since she left, I am strong in front of my kids but I want her to come home quickly. Sorry if this thing turned into a novel.

her txt back to me:
Thank u. I appreciate all of ur efforts and I hope we get through this. We are strong. I think I just lost myself somehow. I love our family. Im sorry for the disappointment. I've been a mess for a while now and should have never let it get to this point.
 
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#142 ·
Look HH, you can't drag her home by the hair caveman style.
You can't make her come to you if she just doesn't want to.

At the moment, she is sitting on the fence waiting for something from the old boyfriend. She is doing whatever she can to entice him.

She's visited him twice. Probably keeps in daily contact through whatever means. She is trying hard to pull him in. He hasn't visited her right?

She's getting support from a toxic friend. But. But, but she's also keeping you in the back of her mind as the safety valve, the plan B emergency chute. If she wasn't she would have divorced you already.

So, we all recommend giving her a shove from the fence. Him or Me. From your POV she has a central place in your life.

From her POV you have a marginal place in hers. Principally as the father of her children. You haven't acted "manly", you've done (I'm not trying to dis you, I'm being objective from your own descriptions) - you've done wimpy things; housemaid, beggar, nuisance, pest, babysitter. All unattractive qualities.

Now, I'm not saying that doing housework, babysitting, etc are bad things. They're great things. Great things in a committed marriage. But unattractive to a woman who is LOOKING for a man.

Standing up for yourself, demanding respect, exhibiting self-respect, acting with integrity, not accepting infidelity or treachery. These are characteristics of a man of quality. An attractive man.

She may not WANT you regardless of how attractive you are. If so, then so be it. But your best shot is telling her what you told her last night.

"get off the fence. I'm not a toy or puppy to be played with. I demand respect. You're my wife or you're not".
 
#143 ·
At this moment you have no marriage at all. It's all paper.
- Your wife is having an ongoing affair with her soulmate for a while
- She left to, moved out, moved in with an enabler - cheating GF, to carry on with the affiar nad her plans to have you in limvo until she has her doks lined up to make her official exit. She has been holding the cards in this farce of marriage, acting as single, as individual, not as a wife. Since this started she has been making decisions for you by having you in the dark, orchestrating all.

You have no marriage. You are just realizing it and taking the hard instance, giving her a chance to go back from this situation to the marriage (little chances) or make it official, even if the timing is not the one she had planned.
What you did, needs to keep doing, is the only chance you have.

Lawyer up, file for divorce. The fact she's avoiding is her answer to your demand. She's likely seeing her lawyer too telling him time is key. You need to follow through. Calm but firm.
Implement, live the 180.
 
#154 ·
I'm sorry Here'shoping, but her response should be proof enough that it's over. It was insulting, childish, and disrespectful.

In no way does she want to end this affair. Isn't it obvious from her snide comments?

You cannot save what you cannot control.

Also, why would you want to go to dinner with her? That's just another sign that she can fall back on you if she feels like it.

You have given her until tomorrow to decide. Wait until then.

But the real point is: tomorrow YOU must decide.
 
#150 ·
And please, don't call her except for kids and logistics, don't bring the ultimatum or the relationship again.
If she doesn't com home, that's her decision to your ultimatum. Follow through.
In case she reaches out you tell her her actions spoke for herself. You gave her the opportunity to give the marriage a last shot but she spit back that chance in your face. She knows damm well what's need to be done. Meanwhile you proceed with the natural consequences: the legal stuff. If she wants to fix things she can seek advice about "how to".

Divorces procedings can be stopped anytime. It takes a while.
 
#151 ·
And please, don't call her except for kids and logistics, don't bring the ultimatum or the relationship again.
Good timing I have resisting the urge to email her and try to put things in perspective for her...my hope that she will realize the full gravity of the situation.

I was also thinking...show her your not a doormat <tonight was datenight> send her a text tell her be ready a 6 I'm picking you up and were going to dinner.
 
#155 · (Edited)
From the conversation it is clear that:
She is pissed at being exposed.
She is pissed that she cannot make you the bad guy in the marriage any longer.
She has zero respect for you or how you feel. It is all about her.
And lastly - SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO FOLLOW THROUGH AND DUMP HER. SHE NO LONGER THINKS OF YOU AS A MAN.

Like others have said - you have to be willing to let go of the marriage to get your wife to return. If she had it in her mind that there was a remote chance of staying married, her entire attitude would be different. The confrontational way she asked "Are you sure you want this?" shows disrespect and confirmation that as far as she is concerned the marriage is history.

Do not back down. She could wake up when reality finally sets in or she could really be gone. Either way, you are in the fight now instead of sitting on the side lines wishing she would do X or wondering what her next move will be.

Good luck.

Edit: Most people associate an extramarital affair with sex with someone other than your spouse. I notice she made no attempt to deny that it was sexual and made no demand that you tell these people it was an EA and nothing physical with OM has happened. Her attitude is almost confirming that it is a PA. Do you still want her back?
 
#156 ·
I think I can get over a PA at least I want to have an opportunity to cross that bridge...What I am afraid of is blaming myself for the failures of our marriage, which drove her to the affair...I know 3Cs but we have survived ALOT and I have always been there for her.

I checked out first choosing my lifestyle over being with her. I'm not sure if I would have succumbed on my own. I wish she would have tried harder to snap me out of my funk. I agree the A never justified.

I wish she would leave me on her own if she was going to leave...I feel like she is hypnotized and she "hasnt been herself for some time now"

I guess I refuse to allow it to end like this
 
#157 ·
I also think she is genuinely confused. Once she started down the rabbit hole it was too late. She found herself in over her head and FAILED to end it when I confronted her the first time.

I dont think she is as plotting and planning as it comes accross. I dont think she understands her own feelings and thats why she really agreed to the thearapy...she is looking for a life raft but afraid to re commit to me. I dont know what the current state of the A is...they may have broken up a month ago for all I know.

Maybe now she feels confused and guilty over what she did and wants "her space" without me up her arse doing the pick me dance.

I know this will frusterate some of you that keep reassuring me..and I dont mean too. I Have re-read every post you guys have written to me at least 10 times. I agree with PreRaphElite that I need to decide some things too.
 
#166 ·
I also think she is genuinely confused.
Nope. YOU are.


Think of all the great men in history too, with the adoring women at their feet, fawning for his attention. Because of all the power and sexuality that exude from a man who looks confused.

Genghis Khan - confused.
Alexander the Great - confused.
Here's Hoping -
 
#163 ·
HH,

Sorry, I misunderstood the timing.

If I were you, I would cancel the date to emphasize the point that you are serious about dumping her if she doesn't come home.

If you decided, nevertheless, to go on the date, be careful what you say. Don't say anything that detracts from what you've already said. Avoid the issue of the problems in your marriage, stick to frivolous subjects and, if she brings it up, repeat what you've said -- she has to choose between you and the OM by tomorrow or you are leaving.

Whatever you do, don't give her reason to believe that she can continue to fence sit.

Best of luck.
 
#167 ·
I think he should go all out. Look good, exude confidence, and NOT bring up any relationship talk. At the end of the date, say something about sad it would be if this was the last time they saw each other. Or you might do something really fun and tell her you want to have a good time since you might not see each other again.

Does she still wear her rings? Are you still having sex with her? Sorry if this has already been covered.
 
#170 ·
Call her up, act as if assuming date is still on. Don't predicate her participation on her decision. You're just going out on a date, no commitments.

If she says, she has to "think" tonight. Say, "Fine, but you shouldn't be thinking on an empty stomach. You gotta eat anyway. Let's go have some laughs."

Keep it as light and breezy as possible. Essentially, for a night at least - you be the OM. No responsibilities. No kids. Just focus on having fun with her. Easier said than done, I know. If you can do this, though, it speaks well of your ability to move on no matter what she decides to do.

Make the call.
 
#171 ·
Sorry Tex I got a little ahead of you...also, when we agreed to date night the kids got excited and wanted to go with us on our first one...cant really so no to them since this has been hard on them as well, maybe we can work our way to date night and family night.

anyway, UPDATE:
texted the wife for date.

me: can you and the kids be ready for dinner by 6?

her: dinner??? We were gonna have spaghetti tonight and stay in. Can we go tomorrow night??

her: I havent been able to cook for them. Kind of was looking forward to it tonight.

PROLOGUE: (tomorrow is Friday I almost always drink and hang out on Friday nights)

me: Ok be ready at 6 tomorrow

her: okie dokie will do. Thx.

her: where r we going??

me: name of restaurant on name of road

her: k

Now I may be reading into this but I think that her demeanor is changing...she is asking things that she would otherwise tell me...i.e "cant go out tonight made spaghetti for the kids" etc.
 
#178 · (Edited)
her txt back to me:
Thank u. I appreciate all of ur efforts and I hope we get through this. We are strong. I think I just lost myself somehow. I love our family. Im sorry for the disappointment. I've been a mess for a while now and should have never let it get to this point.
So, you know she's cheating on you, right? What do you want to do with that knowledge?

ETA: Sorry, I'm just getting caught up on your thread. :)
 
#185 ·
What concerns me is your wife capacity to screw around. I mean if she can screw around on her husband, then she can screw around on her OM. After all hes' 2k away....
This toxic friend she is living with is bad news, but you know that. So keep raising that attraction level and work on how important family is and how unhealthy a broken home can be.
 
#186 ·
Stop beer night Friday's - very unattractive. Find some sport, the gym, a running club. Work on yourself not your gut. You need to put away the alcohol during this time.

I won't say more about this okay.
 
#187 ·
This isn't all about the OM..sure it started with him, but that toxic friend gave her a taste of what a uncommited relationship is like and IMO WW can tell OP she has stopped contact with OM...but what about the guys she is meeting with toxic friend = " I'm not talking to OM, I just need time" ....kind of thing!
 
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