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My Story

71K views 282 replies 33 participants last post by  sandc 
#1 · (Edited)
<Sigh> I have read a ton of these since D-Day so I will try to include all relevant details. I feal like I need to get my story out there even though It seems I have already found a hundred just like it, I guess I havent found the answers I am looking for.

I am 35 W is 34 married 14 years 2 kids 14 and 9. In hindsight I will preface my story and say that I think I have not paid as much attention to my wife as I should have for going on 2 years now. I chose to hang out with my buddies and drink beers over her company on many occasions.

Ok, so we built and closed on our first house this past year as well. During the final few weeks prior to Closing on our new house we lived in a Hotel room. One night in the hotel room we got into a fight and my wife left with the kids. I did not think much of the fight at the time (my concern was that she come back to the same hotel room and not waste money on a second room), but this is where my story begins. Appearantly, after she left our room that night she began talking to an old high school ex BF (on the phone & in another state). She did come back to our room that night and did not "waste" any money on a second room. So in my mind, life goes on. Over the next few weeks I start noticing she is going for walks by herself. or running errands without our kids (she has always done EVERYTHING with our kids).

After we closed on our house I thought things would have a sort of return to normalcy. I was WAY wrong. The week after we closed on our first home, she insisted on taking a trip without me or our kids back east to visit her mother. I could not understand why she would want to take such a trip only a week after we closed on our house, but her mother can be very controlling and she said her mother had insisted she make it in for some family BBQ. After she returned from her trip she was back to her same tricks more errands less kids lots of alone time and began acting suspicious. I have never been a jealous husband, in fact, I am less bothered by other men hitting on my wife than she is (she is a very attractive woman). I have always been very confident in her love for me.

About 2 months after the night of the fight in the hotel, I came home a little tipsy one night and having had suspicions for the first time in my life with this woman I grabbed her cell phone as she was texting away next to me in our bed. She immediately looked shocked and scared that I was about to uncover something BIG, and she broke down and began crying. I tried to unlock the phone but did not know the password, so she said to give it to her and she would type it in...but she wanted to tell me first before I read anything, which I agreed too.

She proceeded to tell me she had been talking to her highschool ex for a few months now and she was thinking about leaving me. she admitted to an EA but denied that it had gotten physical. By the time she was finished telling me of EA she had slipped into her phone and deleted all text messages, so I'm not sure what evidence got erased. I suppose this was my first eye opening...I did not get any sleep that night, I couldnt understand what she was telling me or how that could happen (Why didnt she talk to me?) the next day I took off work and told her was going to work on forgiving her and that I wanted our marriage to work, she offered to delete her Facebook turn her phone off whatever it took she was in, "lets save the marriage".

As time went on I noticed her suspicious behavior just became more suspicious locking herself in the bathroom for extended periods of time multiple times a day etc. So I logged into my cell phone account and began looking at cell phone activity. AH HA she is calling and texting this guy every day multiple times a day and he too. I decide to use this new information as a sort of barometer to gauge my sucess with her. I wont tell her I know about the texts and calls and eventually they will slow and cease.

Nope, they continue and I begin to feel betrayed daily. now 4 months from the hotel room fight we blow up at each other. She says she is gone and I am almost in agreement. But no I calm her down a few hours later, explain to her that our love is strong and that neither one of us has a chance as long as she is continuing the EA. She agrees and all communication appears to cease (at least off the cell phone bill) I believe she is still talking to the guy through any of a hundred other ways that I cant track, but decide I am going to beat him and win. I become super husband / super dad. This only pisses her off more. It seems the harder I try to win her affection the angrier she gets at me. So I try harder.

ok so 6 months after the hotel fight she she buys plane tickets for her and our kids to go back east to her mothers. She did this behind my back but I found the bank statement charges and confronted her. She was very nice about it and said, that she had to buy them when she did they were the last seats blah blah and she didnt think I would mind but she also didnt have enough money to buy my ticket. Well I (being superhusband) agree to her and the kids going to her mothers afterall what could she do, our kids are with her.

Well once she got away from me she was like a dog off the leash. I couldnt get her on the phone I would talk to my kids everyday and they would talk about mommy being out with friends. So my wife was spending alot of time out and without the kids. This grew my suspicion so I vowed to work even harder when she returned and that I should have never stayed behind. The day they returned I was very excited she would surely see how hard I was working for her affection and I would never let her out of my sight again. However after being home for about 15 minutes she told me we need to talk. I thought this was great because she had been so distant and cold for the last 6 months that we were finally going to get somewhere. She informed me that she was not happy, needed space to find herself, lost herself, needed to miss me again etc.

She had seen a lawyer a month before and looked into divorce but couldnt pull the trigger. She did however, rent an apartment 5 miles from our house (shared with one of her female coworkers who was unhappy in her marriage) and said she was moving out. She said she could not divorce me so she felt like there must be something left. She also agreed to marriage counseling (which I have propmply scheduled an appointment). We also agreed to a weekly date night. Talked about money and how we would share time with the kids. She left on Saturday. The Kids will stay with me while she works nights for half the week, then will stay with her for the second half...she is also picking up from school and stays with them in our home until I get home.

I am devastated but I have only texted her once since she left. I told her to let me know if she needed anything and that she was welcome home whenever she found what she was looking for. The day after she left we both attended my Son's basketball practice. It was extremely awkward as I did not know if I was supposed to talk to her, but I felt like an A-hole if I just sat there quiet. So I told her I was going to leave and that I supported her cause for "space" and did not feel like it was going to have it desired effect if we were around each other everyday and that we should save our conversations for date night and counseling. I have broken down several times since she left, I am strong in front of my kids but I want her to come home quickly. Sorry if this thing turned into a novel.

her txt back to me:
Thank u. I appreciate all of ur efforts and I hope we get through this. We are strong. I think I just lost myself somehow. I love our family. Im sorry for the disappointment. I've been a mess for a while now and should have never let it get to this point.
 
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#3 ·
Could you please learn to use the "enter" key so that this is broken up into paragraphs instead of one long run-on script? It is so easy to do. Literally lifting a finger. A lot of people aren't going to read this simply because you didn't do them that slight courtesy.

You did the exact wrong thing: doormat instead of 180. You baked a nice big triple-layer cake for her and invited her to eat it, while standing by with the icing dispenser to make sure she has yummy icing with every bite. It's more than enabling, it is being the facilitator, stopping just short of arranging her dates for her.
 
#5 ·
I find it odd that on the night of the hotel fight she called the old xHSBF.
She must have been in contact with him well before the fight. So, it's likely she already had his # in her contacts.

And if you were neglectful for two years, I would suspect that's how long he's been offering comfort and support (but mostly he was grooming her for the big payoff).

By the time you came home with a snoot-full, she was way, way, deep into this guy. But they hadn't finalized their plans. Hence, the 1-act play featurng your wife in the role of a remorseful spouse.

It's likely that the very next day they talked it over and made final arrangements.
Since then, they've gotten'it on in every imaginable way.

You're out. He's in. That simple.

She's waiting for him to wrap up loose ends while living off your dime. Biding her time until he's able to ride off with her.

She was mad at your "new & improved" bad self because to her, it was too late. You seemed pathetic and to ease the anger snd pain, probably has a good laugh w her boyfriend at your "too late" feeble attempts.

Sorry it turned out this way. Open your eyes and work on YOU. There is no marriage to work on. It's a waste of time and effort.

She's agreed to date nights so she can declare to one and all that she did all she could to save the marriage.

Accept your failings in the marriage. But don't excuse her treachery and vile deceit.
 
#7 ·
@WalkonMars
Thanks for the point blank advice...that is kind of what I am looking for. I have not been able to find clarity in my situation as I am so close to it. BTW you didn't have to go all Kenny Powers on me lol.

my story, though long, is summed up in a 5 minute read but know that it has taken 6 months to get to now...I think you make a lot of valid points and I'm sure I have left out a few pieces. I do think she had contact with XHSBF prior to hotel fight, however I believe that was the night she chose to move forward and indulge.
 
#9 ·
Sorry HH,
Didn't intend to be cruel. I have to check myself.

You really need to work on yorself and distance youself from her. Get in shape, physically, mentally, emotionally.

Ther's nothing you can do to MAKE her want you again. But if she sees you are moving on, caring for yourself, being gracious with your kids and shutting her out then maybe. Just maybe.

Me, I would limit the date nights or eliminate them for a while until I pulled myself together. That's what the 180 is for. She's fading - let go.

The sun will shine again, the world will turn, as will the worm.
 
#10 ·
How do you know she didn't see him while she was away? I'm guessing this is already a physical affair. What is your dealbreaker?

You need to check old phone/text records to see when this **** really started.

Have you told your parents/ her parents?

What do you know about the OM, is he married? You need to let his parents and wife know he is busting up your family.

Put him on cheaterville.com and send him a link. Send his parents a link too.

You have a chance to save this but only if you act boldly and stay strong.

Separate your finances and make sure you are not paying for her affair.

Read Married Man Sex Life..............it is not a sex manual BTW. http://marriedmansexlife.com/
 
#13 ·
How do you know she didn't see him while she was away? I'm guessing this is already a physical affair. What is your dealbreaker?

You need to check old phone/text records to see when this **** really started.

Have you told your parents/ her parents?

What do you know about the OM, is he married? You need to let his parents and wife know he is busting up your family.

Put him on cheaterville.com and send him a link. Send his parents a link too.

You have a chance to save this but only if you act boldly and stay strong.

Separate your finances and make sure you are not paying for her affair.

Read Married Man Sex Life..............it is not a sex manual BTW. Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
Additional Details: the OM is or was married with kid(s)...her mother knows she is unhappy but I dont know how much she knows. I have not told anyone other my sister. I do not have any contact for the OM or his wife.

I will go back and check phone records for the sake of your advice, (confident in my guess) and she blames this hotel fight for constantly I don't even remember what it was about in much detail...perhaps she was looking for an excuse.
 
#14 ·
I agree the affair is a PA. Most likely when she went to visit her mother. She is chemically bonded to the OM now. Since they most likely fvcked each other in HS, then the bond will be even stronger. It's a chemical addiction.

He will be paying visits to her in her apartment now. Guaranteed.

Regardless of how things play out over the next several days, you absolutely must consult with an attorney to learn the divorce and custody laws in your state.

Read up on the 180, and the focus now becomes about you and your kids.

Oh yeah...hopefully you've figured out by now that you can't "nice" her out of her affair. Never works. If you want to end her affair, then you must expose it to her family and friends. Affairs tend to wither when brought out into the light. If OM is married, then find his wife and let her know what's up.
 
#15 ·
HH
Don't blame yourself or the hotel fight. If there hadn't been a hotel fight it would have been something else. Anything else except the truth.

That she blames the hotel fight is more evidence that she had been thinking if not actively planning to do this.
 
#16 ·
doormat vs 180 are terms I have become familiar with over the past few days. I do not want to make myself look desperate despite what damage is done. We have our first counseling session in 2 weeks.

From what I have read it sounds like she is having a MLC and even it appears it may already be to late if she views me that way. I have seen a lot of "there is nothing he could have done" stories by now.
 
#17 ·
Most assertive thing you can do is to follow Three-strike's advice. Then lay divorce papers at her door. Blindside style. Don't threaten just do it.
 
#20 ·
Don't blame this on a MLC. Cripes, you guys still have young kids and were just moving into a new house!

Nope, she was feeling entitled. Probably has been in contact with her old flame for a long time. She got off on the attention he gives her. Now, as you suggest that he was/is having marriage problems, he was most likely prowling after your wife. It probably started where she was helping him get through his marriage problems, then they got more intimate, flames were re-kindled, and now you're the odd man out babysitting her kids while she thinks he's her soulmate.

If you want to end the affair, you have to nuke it with exposure, and then show her you are serious by filing for D. Divorces take a long time to finalize, but the act of filing just may shock her back to reality. You can call it off if you decide to reconcile.

The longer you wait around, the less likely the chance of ending the affair. Especially if he has plans to come and visit her soon. The more she fvcks him, the more addicted to him she will become.
 
#27 ·
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Forget what you've been reading in the last few days. It's baloney.

And I agree with committedwife. MC is a waste of $ unless she has ended the affair and wants to commit to reconciliation.
 
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#31 ·
her txt back to me:
Thank u. I appreciate all of ur efforts and I hope we get through this. We are strong. I think I just lost myself somehow. I love our family. Im sorry for the disappointment. I've been a mess for a while now and should have never let it get to this point.
If she was sincere, she wouldn't have moved out. She would be acting with the most sincere remorse. Actions, not words.

Ask her if she slept with the guy. Ask her if she is willing to submit to a polygraph. Demand that she get tested for STD's and show you the results.

"Im sorry for the disappointment"??????? Like she burned your toast or something.

Oy vey!

Dude, do not be bamboozled by a cheating spouse's words.
 
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#40 ·
From the threads on this board you will discover that unfaithful spouses can and do say ANYTHING to achieve their goals.

The way you can distinguish the liars from the remorseful is to watch the actions and mostly ignore the words. Most know their spouses so well they know exactly what to say and what buttons to push.

Talk is cheap. Tears can be summoned almost on demand. Actions speak volumes.

What do her actions tell you?
 
#46 ·
I am new at this but I agree that leaving seems counter intuitive to coming home...However many of the websites say that If I try to force her to stay she will merely try harder to leave. her actions are greek to me I cant believe any of this is really happening...

All I have is the cheap talk and promises of counseling / date night.
 
#42 ·
Think about it. She's already consulted a lawyer about D. She's taken a huge step by moving out and semi-abandoning her children. She hasn''t been transparent about what occurred, or is occurring, with OM.

She doesn't have quite the heart, yet, to pull the trigger on D. She'd rather do this:

The Humiliating Dance of

But, if the affair is still going on (99.9999999% chance), then its only a matter of time before she finds her guts. In the meanwhile, you will be living in the world of heartache limbo. And probably end up losing her to POSOM.

I'm baffled that you haven't even spoken with her about her OM...for over two months?

Why? Can't you see the big elephant in the room?
 
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