Kaya62003

Mad6r, Well I know it's hard. It sucks very much and I think a piece of you dies after experiencing this type of betrayal. Even though I cannot stand my STBX, it doesn't mean I don't miss him. I miss him all the time. But it's something I have to deal with. He's not the man I used to love. I mourn our relationship and what never will be. I want you to realize this is for the best. You don't have to be divorced for good. But for now and until she completely changes and does whatever she can to win you and your children back, it's what has to be. I tell myself everyday "I will make it"! And don't back down to your reasonable requests in your divorce. I think it's very reasonable and it's a consequence of her actions.
Posted via Mobile Device

warlock07

she was going and told me she spent the night last night and she was going again tonight to OM.

Come on!! This is pathetic. She told you she spent the night with the OM and your reaction is to send a weak text to the OM about you servicing her and her coming 10 times ? Why the f*ck are you fighting with this man for such a woman ?

Looks like you enjoy the drama way too much. Don't expect anyone to respect you when you don't repsect yourself.

turnera

On the outside chance you break and ask her to come home and she agrees, try to remember to at least have some rules in place. She has to write OM a NC letter to finalize the end of their relationship. She has to give you all her passwords. She has to apologize to her parents and your parents for cheating on you. She has to set up an appointment for a marriage counselor. Anything else you can think of that apply to your situation.

If you just let her move back in, she'll have had no consequences and will just cheat again in the future.

mad6r

I like you Warlock, don't hold back! I call myselft a pvssy all the time and I have felt pathetic and weak at times. But like I said before, I really dont know why she has this hold on me. It's something I greatly have to work on. I will respect myself again sooner rather than later. She's made her choice now it's time to make mine.

bfree

It's called oneitis. Its been the downfall of many men. There is a cure however. Its called dating.

__________________
"You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or burp or fart!"

bfree

Courtesy of Rollo Tomassi of The Rational Male

There is no One. |

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.

This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of – that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us, and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it’s course we’ll know that we’re ‘intended’ for each other. And while this may make for a gratifying romantic comedy plot, it’s hardly a realistic way to plan your life. In fact it’s usually paralyzing.

What I find even more fascinating is how common the idea is (mostly for guys) that a nuts & bolts view of life should be trumped by this fantasy in the area of inter-sexual relationships. Guys who would otherwise recognize the value of understanding psychology, biology, sociology, evolution, business, engineering, etc. and the interplay we see these take place in our lives on a daily basis, are some of the first guys to become violently opposed to the idea that maybe there isn’t ‘someone for everyone’ or that there are a lot more ONEs out there that could meet or exceed the criteria we subconsciously set for them to be the ONE. I think it comes off as nihilistic or this dread that maybe their ego investment in this belief is false- it’s like saying God is dead to the deeply religious. It’s just too terrible to contemplate that there maybe no ONE or there maybe several ONEs to spend their lives with. This western romanticized mythology is based on the premise that there is only ONE perfect mate for any single individual and as much as a lifetime can and should be spent in constant search of this ‘soulmate.’ So strong and so pervasive is this myth in our collective society that it has become akin to a religious statement and in fact has been integrated into many religious doctrines as feminization of western culture has spread.

I think there’s been a mischaracterization of ONEitis. It’s necessary to differentiate between a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and a lopsided ONEitis based relationship. I’ve had more than a few guys seeking my advice, or challenging my take on ONEitis, essentially ask me for permission to accept ONEitis as legitimate monogamy. In my estimation ONEitis is an unhealthy psychological dependency that is the direct result of the continuous socialization of the soulmate myth in pop culture. What’s truly frightening is that ONEitis has become associated with being a healthy normative aspect of an LTR or marriage.

I come to the conclusion that ONEitis is based in sociological roots, not only due to it being a statement of personal belief, but by the degree to which this ideology is disseminated and mass marketed in popular culture through media, music, literature, movies, etc. Dating services like eHarmony shamelessly marketeer and exploit exactly the insecurities that this dynamic engenders in people desperately searching for the ONE “they were intended for.” The idea that men possess a natural capacity for protection, provisioning and monogamy has merit from both a social and bio-psychological standpoint, but a ONEitis psychosis is not a byproduct of it. Rather, I would set it apart from this healthy protector/provider dynamic since ONEitis essentially sabotages what our natural propensities would otherwise filter.

ONEitis is insecurity run amok while a person is single, and potentially paralyzing when coupled with the object of that ONEitis in an LTR. The same neurotic desperation that drives a person to settle for their ONE whether healthy or unhealthy is the same insecurity that paralyzes them from abandoning a damaging relationship – This is their ONE and how could they ever live without them? Or, they’re my ONE, but all I need is to fix myself or fix them to have my idealized relationship. And this idealization of a relationship is at the root of ONEitis. With such a limiting, all-or-nothing binary approach to searching for ONE needle in the haystack, and investing emotional effort over the course of a lifetime, how do we mature into a healthy understanding of what that relationship should really entail? The very pollyanna, idealized relationship – the “happily ever after” – that belief in a ONE promotes as an ultimate end, is thwarted and contradicted by the costs of the constant pursuit of the ONE for which they’ll settle for. After the better part of a lifetime is invested in this ideology, how much more difficult will it be to come to the realization that the person they’re with isn’t their ONE? To what extents will a person go to in order to protect a lifetime of this ego investment?

At some point in a ONEitis relationship one participant will establish dominance based on the powerlessness that this ONEitis necessitates. There is no greater agency for a woman than to know beyond doubt that she is the only source of a man’s need for sex and intimacy. ONEitis only cements this into the understanding of both parties. For a man who believes that the emotionally and psychologically damaging relationship he has ego-invested himself is with the only person in his lifetime he’s ever going to be compatible with, there is nothing more paralyzing in his maturation. The same of course holds true for women, and this is why we shake our heads when the beautiful HB 9 goes chasing back to her abusive and indifferent Jerk boyfriend, because she believes he is her ONE and the only source of security available to her. Hypergamy may be her root imperative for sticking with him, but it’s the soul-mate myth, the fear of the “ONE that got away” that makes for the emotional investment.

The definition of Power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives. Subscribing to the soulmate mythology necessitates that we recognize powerlessness in this arena of our lives. Better I think it would be to foster a healthy understanding that there is no ONE. There are some good Ones and there are some bad Ones, but there is no ONE.

__________________
"You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or burp or fart!"

TRy

This was very foolish of you to send.

1) Never say such things in writing, since once it is in writing you cannot take it back and it can be used against you later.

2) Your wife has been denying you sex as she has been given it to the other man. Telling the other man that you final got your own wife to have sex with you because the other man was out of town, does not sound like a victory to me. You have it backwards. She is your wife and not his. It should not have been a big deal to you, yet you let him know that it clearly was.

3) Your own posts shows that she was the one that instigated it with you. Your wife had sex with you to prove that she could have you any time that she wants. This ups her desirability rating with the other man.

4) Cheaters often get off on the fact that they are having sex with another man's wife. Your wife was showing the other man that you still want her and he gets off on knowing that as he has sex with her. Knowing that you have now concede her to him, was a big ego boost for the other man.

weightlifter

Mad. More house parties. More friends. More random 26 year old women. More you making yourself better.

Less of your stbxw. And 100% less contact with the other man.

Your best revenge is success in the four things I mention in the first line of this post.

You did notice she noticed you got some riiiiigggghhhttt?????

__________________
Catching the cheater: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post9756666

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post7141417

Kaya62003

Mad6r, do you know when she was planning on responding to your divorce?

__________________
"we are the sum of all our experiences"

"It is never too late, to be what you might have been"

mad6r

She has 30 days from the day she was served.
Posted via Mobile Device

Shaggy

She's no doubt hoping mad at you for pumping, dumping, and telling

Of course OM is gonna be Whiny and hurt and not trusting her now. Which is going to make him seem needy and weak.

You da man!

You don't always pump and dump, but when you do, you really do it nicely.,

Madman1

She cheated. Wow.

Hey Mad6r,
I just read this thread and thought you might like to read it.
His wife cheated for I think 9 months then left him.

She admitted to the affair and he moved on. When he found a cute redhead Irish girl his stbx was devastated and wanted to reconcile. He agreed and he broke it off with Irish.

They reconnected in an amazing way for a short time, then she stopped putting in the effort and he remembered that she was a nutcase to start with and their marriage was not that good to begin with.(amazing how the BS portrays the relationship as wonderful in the beginning of the thread but the cracks show later)

Posters were warning him that he would go through the stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) and that trying to reconcile would be more drawn out pain than the affair itself, its like committing hari kari (i.e. cutting your belly open with a katana.)

That about 6 months out he would experience pain and anger like he has never known.

Well long story short, he began to wonder WHY is he putting himself through this for someone who did what she did, WHY deal with this FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

Anyway here are some quotes from it that follow the basic process he went through to the point he decided to pull the plug.

It an ongoing story but I think this last turn will stick for now.





Take it for what it is worth brother, you deserve better!

__________________
I'm playful, think about it!

It's ok to be a little co-dependent! Right?

BTW I want to be your re-bound relationship!

dogman

You know, that's what I love about this forum, people will go to great lengths to help each other.

A post like the one by madman1 takes time and thought.

Good job.

mad6r

Thanks Madman, very eye opening. I too wonder why I'm putting myself through this. Hard to explain really, and It could be the case of the "Oneitis". I spoke with her last night but she's just angry at the fact that I told OM what we did, I know deep down she does love me too! I asked her even though I knew what the answer would be to choose between OM or me. She did not say me!

So I have to move on and stop looking back, spending time with my boys and friends is all I will do from now on. NC at all from now on unless its kids or finances. I have anxiety again but not as bad as before and it seems when I'm busy it stays put. Going to church gives me a calmness I cant explain and all I ask for now is for my heart to be at peace and for the strength to provide my boys what they need.

Telling OM may have been the wrong thing to do but it puts the idea in him of what she's capable of. As for me, fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me right? I dont wish bad things on her because she's still the mother of my children. The drama stops and hopefully I have the balls to say no if she ever comes crying back!

Jasel

Ya I was about to say you really need to stop talking to her and on top of that discussing each other's feelings. Back to NC is the right move.

__________________
"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."