Your wayward is not the exception
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Your wayward is not the exception

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-09-2013, 06:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Your wayward is not the exception

A word for newbies: your wayward is not the exception.

Immediately after D-Day, do as everyone on TAM says: expose the affair, agree to let them go, file for divorce, show no emotion, kick them out of the house, and absolutely no contact until the affair is done.

When I read all this after my D-Day, in my confusion I had this thought: that's wrong for my situation because my wife complains I'm inattentive, so I have to be attentive. And so I made the mistake of trying to romance her, etc. She reacted positively in the short term, but ultimately it was a waste of effort. By the time I started becoming firm about 2 months in, it was too late. Now I'm preparing the papers.

I still don't blame myself for anything though, all goes back to her decision to cheat. Someone should invent a wedding ring that shocks waywards when they cheat, like an electric dog collar.
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Old 01-09-2013, 06:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Your wayward is not the exception

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Originally Posted by NotDoneYet View Post
A word for newbies: your wayward is not the exception.

Immediately after D-Day, do as everyone on TAM says: expose the affair, agree to let them go, file for divorce, show no emotion, kick them out of the house, and absolutely no contact until the affair is done.

When I read all this after my D-Day, in my confusion I had this thought: that's wrong for my situation because my wife complains I'm inattentive, so I have to be attentive. And so I made the mistake of trying to romance her, etc. She reacted positively in the short term, but ultimately it was a waste of effort. By the time I started becoming firm about 2 months in, it was too late. Now I'm preparing the papers.

I still don't blame myself for anything though, all goes back to her decision to cheat. Someone should invent a wedding ring that shocks waywards when they cheat, like an electric dog collar.
Actually, my wayward was the exception. Seriously. She was. I think our case, if not unique, is certainly rare. Damn it, at least, I hope it is!

She told me she was going to have an affair (with a former boy friend) but that she still loved me and would come back to me. And that's what happened. We reconciled. It was not easy, however, but we did it.
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Old 01-09-2013, 06:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Your wayward is not the exception

Immediately after D-Day, do as everyone on TAM says:

expose the affair

I did, but make sure that you have gathered all evidence possible first. And exposure goes both ways, meaning EXPOSE the WS and AP to the other BS if there is one. I don't care if there are kids, mental issue etc.

agree to let them go

Give them choice to end it or work on the marriage, but be prepared to lose the marriage. I did.

file for divorce

Only neccessary if the go underground or refuse to make a choice. Also if you cannot handle staying with a cheater. I did not.

show no emotion

I failed at this one. I hated him seeing me cry, but I could not help it. But that is not a bad thing. Some people need to see the devistation.

kick them out of the house

I did not kick him out. The kids did not need to know their was an issue until we figured out what we were going to do.

and absolutely no contact until the affair is done.

I would not know as the affair was done well before I found out.

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Old 01-09-2013, 06:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Your wayward is not the exception

Mine moved 7 hours away with the OM but texts that she misses me, thinking about coming back, etc. I'll believe it if it happens.
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Old 01-09-2013, 06:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Your wayward is not the exception

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Mine moved 7 hours away with the OM but texts that she misses me, thinking about coming back, etc. I'll believe it if it happens.
Now, thankfully, I didn't get that. Instead we had to function together as if we were a normal couple, attending functions and the like, pretending all was normal. Actually, that was its own kind of hell...
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Old 01-09-2013, 07:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Your wayward is not the exception

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Immediately after D-Day, do as everyone on TAM says: expose the affair
I had his computer available for 2 days after he told me. I could have copied EVERY little RAUNCHY CONVERSATION between them, including dates, and PICTURES. I decided not to...(more about why in a moment...)

agree to let them go
Wasn't my choice to go; it was HIS house. Believe me, I couldn't get out of there fast enough, but it took me two weeks. Thankfully, he was gone for most of that time.
file for divorce
Didn't have to do this either, cuz we weren't married.
show no emotion
Ding! Ding! Ding! Yeah. My bad. Unfortunately, I never experienced this before. The emotion I showed in front of him wasn't much. Some tears, but mostly anger. Not 'out of control over the top' anger.
kick them out of the house
Again, it wan't my house.
absolutely no contact until the affair is done.

The day I moved I sent him an email saying that I was out of the house and that I left my key. No 'good-bye'. No "sorry it didn't work out". Immediately after sending him the email, I blocked him in re email and facebook. I have no idea if he EVER tried to contact me, but I seriously doubt it.

I still don't blame myself for anything though, all goes back to her decision to cheat.

Yup! Same here! I take NO RESPONSIBILITY for HIS choices. And, he knows it.

Someone should invent a wedding ring that shocks waywards when they cheat, like an electric dog collar.


I had 'visions' of copying everything and sending it to 'her' h. I could have probably ruined both HER career AND his career. I could have done a LOT of damage. But the worst I did was to post about it on another site. No one on the site knew who I was talking about, but I know that they BOTH visit the site on a regular basis. I wanted them to see what OTHER PEOPLE thought of their behavior.

They didn't like that too much...

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Old 01-09-2013, 07:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Your wayward is not the exception

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Mine moved 7 hours away with the OM but texts that she misses me, thinking about coming back, etc. I'll believe it if it happens.
Would you even take her back if she did? If so why?
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Old 01-09-2013, 07:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Would you even take her back if she did? If so why?
If she were truly remorseful and willing to work for forgiveness, and if she agreed never to contact him again and felt despite her feelings for him it was all a huge mistake, then I would be open to taking her back. I know what a great person she once was, and if she can resurrect that person and bury this evil twin of hers, well I'd like to be with that person again. I'm not waiting for miracles any longer though.

Last edited by NotDoneYet; 01-10-2013 at 05:13 AM.
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