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post #136 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-20-2013, 07:58 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

How did she react to your oldest's decision not to join her & the OM? Or does she even know of the decision? Hope she doesn't go cold on him.


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post #137 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 09:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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How did she react to your oldest's decision not to join her & the OM? Or does she even know of the decision? Hope she doesn't go cold on him.
I haven't told her yet.

I pick up the papers again today for her to review with her lawyer. This is pretty much the final draft. It is what agreed to. There might be some tweaks, but minor and it should be done.

The only issue I can see her having is the part if a child stays with me she gets 50% child support. I will tell her consider it a post nup. Be a good mother and you don't have to worry about your kids leaving. BUT If they want to leave why should I have to take you to court. If they can leave me without me putting up a fighting, then should be allowed to come back without you fighting. I'm just thinking ahead. She just doesn't know I mean days ahead.

I was told that the papers have to be registered or indexed with the courts before it is official. So I will tell her she cannot leave until it is official. Otherwise when I drop the bomb she could say screw that paper work and can just take it all back and fight.

This way even if she wants to fight, she will be divorced and will have to spend some of that 45k she will be getting.

I doubt she will fight because everything will come up. She knows it will not look good for her.

I've accepted this all, but I can't believe it's all ending like this. It really is a shame. There was just no need for all of this.

A friend of mine thinks, In her head she had to make me a bad guy so she can leave. Otherwise how can she face she is leaving a good guy and just went way overboard with all of this.

He feels that there had to be a point where she said in her mind, maybe I went to far, maybe this wasn't the smartest choice. Maybe I should have fixed this. But there comes a point where someone is so deep in they just can't turn back.

I don't know honestly I know certain things about my STBXW mind, meaning she never really thought ahead. She might think one or two steps ahead, but never 10 or 15 steps ahead.

It's hard to explain. As an example many years ago when we were dating, she didn't know that the moon revolved around the earth. She was a high school drop out with a GED. Granted she has an associate degree now for hygiene. But even then when she was having issues in school and freaking out about failing a class, I helped her study and explain what needed to be done for her to pass.

Another example would be telling her to figure out the average of a bunch of numbers.. She would have no clue to add and then divide.

She just doesn't get things, even common sense things.

This is why she is now paying for an apartment that she isn't even in and won't be in for god knows when. So she might pay for 2 or 3 months before she can move. That includes for furniture she ordered and isn't even using and of course the cable bill. Granted he will be there so nothing lost I guess at least for him.

The more I normal out and look back I feel sad. Not the same sadness I had before. The sadness that this turned out so horrible and it didn't have to. Life is short.. There is nothing 2 people who care for each other can't fix ( I know the keyword is care ).. There is no greener pastures. It is all the same sh1t. Why buy a used car and take someone elses headaches. I would rather keep my own I know whats wrong with it.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
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post #138 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 08:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

02/21/13 Thursday.

I gave my wife the paperwork.

I told her I didn't want her taking anything until we were divorced. She stated she wasn't taking anything. Which is good I guess.

I asked her for a notarized letter of all her debt, which she gave me. She spent about 10k in furnishing her new apartment that she is definitely moving in with the OM.

She changed the insurance on the truck to her name. But I need to cancel the plates and cancel the registration. That is my last tie to her financially.

I'm hurt, but I'm NOT showing it or at least not trying to show it.

I know many say her time will come. I'm just a bit impatient and want it to happen yesterday.

I just hate that she is just chugging along like all is good in her life.
I hate she dropped me like I never mattered.
I'm annoyed that I want to curse her out and say things to her, but I know it will get me no where and won't matter.

I'm not gonna lie, my son staying with me makes me happy it will hurt her. I know its not right. But its the only thing right now that will feel like a dagger in her heart.

It's getting close to the end at least. Good or bad its near the end.

I feel I didn't fight enough for this. I feel I should have been stronger. I should have tossed her out. I should have, I should have, I should have.

She should have fvcking cared about me and the kids. She should have cared enough to fight and try to fix this.

Fvck her...

My son will be my sword.
What she didn't see or care to do for me, she will now see she failed my son. My son will give my STBXW her life lesson.

I fvcking hope she crumbles to the ground. I will enjoy telling her to go file a motion with the courts and to GTFO of my house.

I'm angry...

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
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post #139 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 08:34 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

The minute papers are signed, make sure the OM is on cheaterville.com

Oh and do not forget to take her debt out of her part of divorce settlement.
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post #140 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 08:49 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

H2H your previous post about your wife's intellectual capacity explains a lot. She didn't know the moon went around the earth? Really? Not just this but all the rest - shows she has the brainpower of a flea. But the blood sucking flea probably has more empathy. Fleas suck blood to survive.

Yeah the day will come but even then she won't realize the damage she's done. So don't count on that. It's only when she is living alone with a dozen cats for company that she may come to the realization that she's been a loser all her life. I hope that by then you won't even remember what she looked like today.

And do rain as much as you can on the OM. He's a law-breaking, family-destroying scourge on society. Follow Shaggy's advice.

A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
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post #141 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 10:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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The minute papers are signed, make sure the OM is on cheaterville.com

Oh and do not forget to take her debt out of her part of divorce settlement.
Oh I will do that for him. I was even considering putting her on it. But I will refrain for now against her..

I know one thing for sure she is deadly afraid of me and the interent. I am very internet savvy. Its part of what I do in my work and I have copies of many things she did. I could literally just put up a website with a time line of everything she did and just send it to everyone she knows.. I can google bomb it that just googling her name will make it come up as a hit. She does not want that. I am saving that big elephant gun for the end if she tries anything crazier.

The letter will cover me in case a creditor comes after me for one of those accounts.

I just need her to GTFO..

Another concern I have is the OM..

I know I will meet him eventually. He never seen me before. I've lost 50 LBS. So I'm much thinner ( and sexier ).

I know he will want to see me. I don't imagine him actually coming up to me, but I could see him standing at the top of the steps when I pick up my son or drop him off.

I could tell him a few kind words, but I think the best is just to not say anything and just cut him off to just shut him up if he tries to make any comments. To explain that his words mean nothing. The good thing I have is I can always say to him this discussion is family business, your not family. Your just that other guy.

I think my best sticking points are that I can push the My Sons, My family line. EG Mind your business I'm talking to MY SON. Mind your business I'm talking to the mother of MY KIDS..

He still might want to complain or say something, but I can always push it off on my EX to tell him to mind his business. Either she has to tell him to be quiet or suffer the consequences of what might transpire if he keeps talking.

If she tells him to be quiet, it will piss him off. Which is great because it will start a fight between them. If she does not, then she knows well enough I have a sharp tongue and A LOT of ammo to piss him off. The most he can tell me is he took my wife away from me. Which no matter how you say it won't sound good infront of the EX and it won't phase me. If anything it will make her look cheap or like some sort of prize. Which I already told her is what he is telling others about her. End result it re-enforces my past statements.

What can he tell me about her I don't already know .

So I am just trying to cover all the bases. Its part of what I do at work. We go through all the scenarios and what if's, so when they happen we don't stand there stunned or doing a "Oh sh1t moment".

What I want to do is extremely limit any actual conversation between me and her. Basically either talk quickly through text message or email. But no actual verbal communication. Everyday when I call I will have my oldest call to speak to my younger son and then I will get on the phone.

But I just really do not want to speak with her. I really want to go all Buddhist monk on her, vow of silence style.

I reserved myself and accepted the fact that everything will be in doubles. double birthdays, double confirmation party. I don't care.

I don't even want her at my funeral if I should be so unlucky.

I already made arraignments with a friend of mine to control my money for my kids, if I should die. He is a soon to be millionaire and will make sure to make my money grow for the benefit of my kids. I certainly trust him more then I do my EX.

Anyways, this seems to be it. Let see what happens in the upcoming week.

Again another weekend coming. I hate them with her there. I could clean up the place but I just don't want to let her know NOTHING.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
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post #142 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 02:46 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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I don't know honestly I know certain things about my STBXW mind, meaning she never really thought ahead. She might think one or two steps ahead, but never 10 or 15 steps ahead.

It's hard to explain. As an example many years ago when we were dating, she didn't know that the moon revolved around the earth. She was a high school drop out with a GED. Granted she has an associate degree now for hygiene. But even then when she was having issues in school and freaking out about failing a class, I helped her study and explain what needed to be done for her to pass.

Another example would be telling her to figure out the average of a bunch of numbers.. She would have no clue to add and then divide.

She just doesn't get things, even common sense things.

This is why she is now paying for an apartment that she isn't even in and won't be in for god knows when. So she might pay for 2 or 3 months before she can move. That includes for furniture she ordered and isn't even using and of course the cable bill. Granted he will be there so nothing lost I guess at least for him.

The more I normal out and look back I feel sad. Not the same sadness I had before. The sadness that this turned out so horrible and it didn't have to. Life is short.. There is nothing 2 people who care for each other can't fix ( I know the keyword is care ).. There is no greener pastures. It is all the same sh1t. Why buy a used car and take someone elses headaches. I would rather keep my own I know whats wrong with it.
This probably won't help now, but I can tell you that differences in intellect and education cause many divorces later in life when the physical passion dies down some. I know many couples where one spouse simply can't listen to what comes out of the other spouse's mouth anymore. Statistics also show that this is an issue.

I do a lot of teaching and I would bet that there are many people who know nothing about obvious things like the moon and the earth. One student of mine, a junior in college, mentioned that he thought Winston Churchill was a famous African-American civil rights leader. Another student, an AP English type, announced in an essay that Shakespeare was a famous Victorian writer. And so it goes. When you're in the throes of love, these issues are background noise, but they can become very important.
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post #143 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 03:04 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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This probably won't help now, but I can tell you that differences in intellect and education cause many divorces later in life when the physical passion dies down some. I know many couples where one spouse simply can't listen to what comes out of the other spouse's mouth anymore. Statistics also show that this is an issue.

I do a lot of teaching and I would bet that there are many people who know nothing about obvious things like the moon and the earth. One student of mine, a junior in college, mentioned that he thought Winston Churchill was a famous African-American civil rights leader. Another student, an AP English type, announced in an essay that Shakespeare was a famous Victorian writer. And so it goes. When you're in the throes of love, these issues are background noise, but they can become very important.
Winston Churchill?Geez that's bad
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post #144 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 09:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

02/22/13 Friday night.

Well after seeing this thread Radio show- "Cheaters have intimacy issues"

I went and listened to the show. What a fvcking dumb idea on my part.

I came home and I basically told my wife look if your looking to come back and your willing to talk, I am willing to listen.

Nutshell I told her I am not asking her back, but I am opening the door for her to talk about coming back to fix this.

I even said that being divorce or married has nothing to do with it. That I said once before that even if we had to burn this relationship to the ground and start over it was worth it.

So getting divorced has nothing to do with our relationship.

I wont bore you with the rest of the details, so I will cut to the chase. She kindly and politely said no, she does not want to try and just is done.

It honestly didn't crush me as much as I thought it would. I didn't get emotional or choked up.

It was a good wake up call.

I did tell her I know your relationship with this guy isn't going to work and you know why its not going to work. It's not going to work because in the last 10 minutes while we were talking or I was talking and you were listening he called you 15 times.

I felt good in the sense I tried one last time to save this thing.

Now when my son tells her that he isn't going with her, at least then I will feel good in telling her why.

Its a shame people can do this. It really is. How people can just be so obtuse and blind.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
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post #145 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 09:32 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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02/22/13 Friday night.

Well after seeing this thread Radio show- "Cheaters have intimacy issues"

I went and listened to the show. What a fvcking dumb idea on my part.

I came home and I basically told my wife look if your looking to come back and your willing to talk, I am willing to listen.

Nutshell I told her I am not asking her back, but I am opening the door for her to talk about coming back to fix this.

I even said that being divorce or married has nothing to do with it. That I said once before that even if we had to burn this relationship to the ground and start over it was worth it.

So getting divorced has nothing to do with our relationship.

I wont bore you with the rest of the details, so I will cut to the chase. She kindly and politely said no, she does not want to try and just is done.

It honestly didn't crush me as much as I thought it would. I didn't get emotional or choked up.

It was a good wake up call.

I did tell her I know your relationship with this guy isn't going to work and you know why its not going to work. It's not going to work because in the last 10 minutes while we were talking or I was talking and you were listening he called you 15 times.

I felt good in the sense I tried one last time to save this thing.

Now when my son tells her that he isn't going with her, at least then I will feel good in telling her why.

Its a shame people can do this. It really is. How people can just be so obtuse and blind.
Hey you tried women soon will be all over you and stbxw somewhere down the road will be thinking wtf was I thinking? Now go out there it took me a couple of years to feel comfortable about but I'm having fun now.

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post #146 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 09:40 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Dude start dating.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #147 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-22-2013, 09:47 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Go out with coworkers one night at a pub wth.
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post #148 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-23-2013, 11:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I'm gonna try to start dating.. But right now with her still in the house its a bit crazy..

I just don't want to lie to someone if they ask about me and my STBXW. It will sound a bit crazy telling someone, well I'm sort of getting divorced, but wife is still here in my home. But she has an apartment with her boyfriend... She will be out soon?!!

Women will think I'm crazy unless I meet someone who has been in my shoes.

I just need to get this all done and move on. I'm just a whiny b1tch that is loosing patience because his STBXW is going over to an apartment to have sex with the OM and then coming back here.

What kills me, the STBXW tells people she had an affair then gives some excuse why we are done, but fails to tell everyone everything else what she has been doing.

So the impression someone gets is we are getting divorce and she is moving out but we just are at home together waiting for this to be done. Not that she is calling, text and having sex with this OM with my youngest playing Xbox in the other room.

It is just such a morality issue that is just killing me. I just don't get how someone would just loose all morals to show your kids all of this ?

How the hell does she tell the kids about being moral and just when they see there mom going with another man while there dad is at home.

How do you tell your kids not to lie when your telling them to lie to their father.

I just need someone by me with a 2x4 to smashing me in the head when I think of doing stupid things to wake me up.

To me its like she just lost her mind. That now she just needs this guy because of financial reasons that she has no choices. So she has to entertain his 15 calls in 10 minutes BS. I mean talk about insecurity on his part.

Trust me I can see I need her away from me to think clearly.

They should have halfway houses for things like this. You go and only communicate with the Ex with someone there telling you what to say and think.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
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post #149 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-23-2013, 12:11 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

You need to stop trying to psycoanalyze her. It's just going to drive YOU crazy. I know saying "start detaching" is easier said than done and you're venting but you need to start finding other things to occupy your thoughts so stop focusing so much on her.

How soon until she moves out??

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post #150 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-23-2013, 07:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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You need to stop trying to psycoanalyze her. It's just going to drive YOU crazy. I know saying "start detaching" is easier said than done and you're venting but you need to start finding other things to occupy your thoughts so stop focusing so much on her.

How soon until she moves out??
Jasel I know.
Friends have told me the same. I truly understand I will never heal until I stop talking about her.

I run hot and cold. Its the weekends that are trying on me. At work I can forget her. Once I am dating I know I will be fine. I drown my attentions into someone else. Its how I am..



Hopefully she will bring the papers to her lawyer this week or next ? I am hoping this week.

Then I get them back and make any last corrections, which should be minor. That should take a day or two.

Then I give them back to her and she signs and gets them notarized.

My lawyer then gets them indexed with the court and she can move out.

I am going to say 3 to 4 weeks. Probably 4..

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
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