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post #16 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 11:43 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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Originally Posted by walkonmars View Post
If you had never touched the computer during your marriage it would have been something as trivial as "you never, ever, not once, put the toilet seat down!"

And you would think back and say "you know. you're right! I'm scum. I wished I had put the toilet seat down. Damn me to hell!"

So you were on the computer while Mother Teresa tended to the ills of society - but forgot to tell you to get off the friggin' computer and put the toilet seat down.

HAHAHA, isnt this the truth!! Thank goodness no tea this time!

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post #17 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 08:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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Hardtohandle

I know this is of little or no comfort to you. But if you read the introductory post of the threads on just one page of this board you will discover that what you are going through is very common.

The age range for your wife is about right. The excuses vary; not enough attention, always working, too much attention, not working, overweight, it goes on and on.

They are all EXCUSES. Nothing but excuses. If you had never touched the computer during your marriage it would have been something as trivial as "you never, ever, not once, put the toilet seat down!"

And you would think back and say "you know. you're right! I'm scum. I wished I had put the toilet seat down. Damn me to hell!"

So you were on the computer while Mother Teresa tended to the ills of society - but forgot to tell you to get off the friggin' computer and put the toilet seat down.

It wasn't that. Not at all. She got restless. She got bored. She doubted her attractiveness (no matter if she was playboy material - she doubted it).

She's not into you. You can and will come out of this. She will awaken one morning and wonder why she did this.
01/18/13

I truly hear and agree with what your saying. Unfortunately my feelings are crushing me. I just am having a hard time accepting she is leaving with my kids. I just love her and my kids so much.

I stood at my door one morning and heard nothing but silence and it hit me. That is how it is going to be everyday when I come home from work, excluding the times the kids might be there. The silence was deafening.

The paperwork for the divorce is done and I go see the lawyer today to review it. If its all good I can get her and get it signed.

It just kills me when I read stories where a spouse didn't love the other spouse but stuck it out and found they eventually did love that person. Or when cheating spouse hears about the fog and relates to it and uses to fix the marriage.

I just wish that could me.

I tell you I far from religious. I even made fun of people spending their time on church on sunday. Well go figure I found religion now. What I never did on sunday, I am now doing everyday. Praying my wife comes to her senses and doesn't leave.

what a fool I feel like.

With counseling and good friends for support and this site, I still am having a hard time coping with this. Mind you I cried through this whole posting. I'm just being honest.
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post #18 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 08:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I understand I didn't give her the attention I should have.

She admits she messed up big time. I just wish we both could just understand our mistakes and move on from this as a family.

I have read about so many people who did this successfully. I just would like to be one of them myself.

Last edited by Hardtohandle; 01-18-2013 at 09:22 AM.
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post #19 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 09:27 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Women love a strong man, not a weak man whom its very easy to manipulate and cuckold.

Change your strategy of being nice. become a real alpha male who dont give a **** about her.
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post #20 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 08:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I think and hope I have made it to the breaking point or over the hump.

Saturday our truck, which will be my wife's after the divorce got a flat tire. I have a bad back and was going for a MRI saturday to see what the heck is going on and fix it.

She wakes me up and tells me at 8 AM about the flat. I offer to drive her to work. On the way she tells me if I could call AAA to help change the tire. I kindly tell her, this is something you need to learn how to do, so when I'm not around you know what to do. Plus I have a doctors appointment to go to. She seems slightly miffed but doesn't complain, I can just tell.

When I pull over I tell her have a nice day, she exits and mutters something, she said "you too" but since she cannot look at me anymore it was hard to hear.

She gets home we call AAA I have her do it but she is not on the policy so I have to do the talking. I tell her lets go by the truck and hang out wait for this guy. We go to the truck and I talk a bit and I notice she is just looking out the window. Oddly enough my brother had a similar situation with his wife and expressed to me how his wife of 25 years just shut him out like he didn't exist anymore and wouldn't look at him either when interacting with him.

I tell my wife nothing to say ? she says I don't feel like talking, I really don't have anything to say.

I admit it got me upset and I told her to she could just go back to the house I could sit there by myself and deal with this. I told her 2 other times to leave before she left. I then got more pissed and went back to the house to tell her to do it herself.

Of course minutes later I cooled off and went to handle this.

Oddly enough I expressed to her Friday how she treats me like Cr.ap and acts as if I Cheated on her. Of course this didn't register.

It became very apparent and clear my wife is decent with me when she needs something but soon as its over I'm Mr pay no mind.

I get the whole she has a boyfriend and is in this "Fog", but I tell her wouldn't it benefit her just to be a bit nice, just in case she needs something from in the future. That I might just remember what a Douche.Bag she was treating me like and that I might not help.

I am so extremely amazed how much my wife fits into this whole infidelity fog thing.

Sadly Sunday I told myself I needed to put my feelings aside and grow up a bit ( even at 45 ). I started reflecting back on all she has done to me over the last 5 months and it got me mad for a first time and I wasn't trying to explain it away.

I gave her the divorce papers Friday early enough in the day and she still has not made any calls to a lawyer that I know of. I will ask her tomorrow night if she made any calls. I am going to guess she will say no.

I know she is in a tight situation when I am paying every bill and the bank account with 1,500 dollars is down to 500 in 2 weeks.

She is trying to find more work or full time work. ATM her work is like 5 hours a day but its not always steady work. Though she makes 42 an hour.

End result until she signs the divorce paperwork she will be in the house with me, which makes it a odd situation. I told her to ask her family, brother or boyfriend for 10k and that she can give it back after she gets the 45k from my Deferred Comp. But she won't or they don't have it.

I do zing her, telling her if her boyfriend "LOVED HER SO MUCH" he would come across with it. When we were dating I put my wife through school and I remind her of that.

So with all that being said if she signs the paper work I could be divorced in just about a month give or take a few days.

Sadly I think she realizes that even if she gets the 45k, she will run through it just trying to make ends meat even with my child support.

It's a shame that she couldn't just come to me when she was suppose to, instead of running away. All this is going to do is mess my kids up.

I do agree and have learned that me begging and pleading even drove her further away from me and annoyed her even more. Shame I just didn't listen to everyone earlier.

Sadly I love her even though I know she needs to go. Just before I didn't want her to go. I wanted her to wake up and understand. I even printed out something about this whole infidelity fog thing like a jackass thinking she would go " OMG, Your so right ! Please forgive me."

I just hate at the age of 45 and when I was just about to retire and move away with my family to spend the rest of my life fixing my marriage. That now I'm back to dating.

And yea I'm mad, annoyed and even jealous that my wife has someone and its not me.

End result now I am walking a fine line of trying to polite but stern she signs and gets out.
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post #21 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 10:15 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

HardtoHandle, I'm going through and have gone so much of the same stuff. Five months ago I found out my wife was having an ongoing, heated online affair. Found out, started to leave, and she begged me to reconcile, and after much dragging of feet to get the affair to end on both the part of his wife and by myself.

We had a really crappy year, including her going through thyroid cancer treatment. The day after I drove her home and had to be out of the house while she was radiated, I now know she almost immediately started a heated online affair with another guy. Not only had she done that, but going back to just a couple months after I thought she was done with the first affair, she resumed some of the same behaviors that had led to it in the first place, including hanging out online in this game with another man I know she was having at least a light inappropriate relationship with.

I fell into the trap like you did. I asked her how she could be doing this, I begged her to wake up, I tried my hardest to hang on for the good of our children and what I thought was a lifelong commitment. She had me believing she wanted to reconcile, was asking me to come back home, was telling me she had stopped talking to the guy, etc. But I found out not only was she not done talking to him, but she had upped the ante into putting on full on cam shows for him.

Through it all, the first affair and the second, she was blaming me for the faults in the marriage. Like a sucker, I had bought into them and was working my ass off to improve things including getting us into counselling and really working on myself, all the while it was just a fake R on her side and she was doing nothing on her end to fix things.

I made the same mistake of telling myself that she was still a good woman, was just confused, and it was my job to try to get her to wake up. Like other posters have pointed out to you, I was fooling myself. I was clinging to something I had created in my mind. The reality is a good woman would not be doing these things to her marriage and her family. Even if I was the worst husband in the world, which I'm not - there's just no justification other than the fact she is selfish and has far less of a conscious than I, or I'd like to think most people, possess. The truth is I may have had made my own mistakes, including playing an online game way too much in the first year of our marriage, but I turned those flaws around on my own to make her happy. I am a great husband and was a fool to allow her to make me believe otherwise, to blameshift and maker her choices my fault, which is still her default any time our relationship comes up.

Like you, one of the things that gets me is how she has just completely shut off any emotional connection now. I exposed the hell out of her affair to many people, including her mother, which infuriated her. I also told the OM (some young carefree ********* in Ireland ) that she had been reconciling, even making love while she was having her relationship with him. I think all of that pushed her even further away, but I'm glad I did it. People don't get to just walk all over others like this and get off scott free.

It's funny, because she can turn on the friendly charm when she needs me to do something and there have been a few times I let my low self esteem allow me to help her like fixing the toilet, going to feed her cat while she's out of town with the kids. But I realized last night, no more. She wanted to throw our marriage away for online friends and an online relationship? Get them to do the heavy lifting. See how wonderful of friends they are then, because words are easy, it's the actions other people are willing to do on our behalf that make them true friends. I'm sure my refusal to help her with anything that doesn't have to do with the kids will piss her off, but too bad. She chose to end this marriage as brutally and horrible as possible, and her days of playing me for a sucker and using me for anything are over.

One thing I'm questioning myself on now though, is what another poster in this thread pointed out: she claims she wants an amicable divorce and feels like we can be mature enough to work it out on our own. I wanted the same to save on legal fees and the like, but now I have to really examine if she is just playing me for a fool again.

Anyway, hang in there. You're further along in the divorce process than I am. Don't waver, you deserve better than this woman. Hell, I'd say most people deserve better than to be with someone who could take something like marriage so lightly and toss it aside so easily. Even considering the children like I have to, we deserve better than this. Your job is to love your children and do the best you can for them, not suffer through an unnecessary hell for them.
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post #22 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-21-2013, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Taken by Ra from Duality album
Start again by Red from the Innocence and instinct album

These songs pretty much sum up how I felt through all of this.

Thanks StillLife and I'm sorry for your pain as well.
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post #23 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 05:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

01/24/13

Yesterday and today was/is another hard day. I gave her the divorce papers last friday. She has an appointment tuesday with her lawyer to look them over.

I just feel sad. Crying. Praying she will change her mind. Its painful. I need to work but I just can't put my mind into my work.

I don't cry in front of her. I keep a stiff upper lip.

Everyone keeps saying it will hit her once this other guy is out of her life. I don't think so, I don't see that anymore.

Someone said it best when they described this like grieving over a loved one that just died. Thats what I feel like.

I try to hate her, I try to get mad. But I just can't.

We don't talk at all when we are in the house together.

I just hate these roller coaster emotions. Its like I'm back to square one.

I just hope we can get this done fast enough and she can go so I can heal. I know seeing my kids go will kill me even more. Just thinking about it makes me cry.

I just feel like I'm in Limbo. My wife has someone and is all happy and I'm just slipping into a bottomless pit.

I just never want to feel like this again, it's too much.
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post #24 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 05:50 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by walkonmars View Post
Hardtohandle

I know this is of little or no comfort to you. But if you read the introductory post of the threads on just one page of this board you will discover that what you are going through is very common.

The age range for your wife is about right. The excuses vary; not enough attention, always working, too much attention, not working, overweight, it goes on and on.

They are all EXCUSES. Nothing but excuses. If you had never touched the computer during your marriage it would have been something as trivial as "you never, ever, not once, put the toilet seat down!"

And you would think back and say "you know. you're right! I'm scum. I wished I had put the toilet seat down. Damn me to hell!"

So you were on the computer while Mother Teresa tended to the ills of society - but forgot to tell you to get off the friggin' computer and put the toilet seat down.

It wasn't that. Not at all. She got restless. She got bored. She doubted her attractiveness (no matter if she was playboy material - she doubted it).

She's not into you. You can and will come out of this. She will awaken one morning and wonder why she did this.
Dead set, this is an awesome post

"I can cook my own steaks and don't feel much like duty-sex these days" Lascarx
"I've never met a woman who's aversion to her husband hampered her ability to accept the proceeds of his labor." unbelievable
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post #25 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 07:00 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

So sorry hardtohandle,
You have to let go of the dream. Grieve, reflect, and pity her. She's a sad creature. Click on the two links on my sig line.

The first is for you to start the hesling process. Begin by detaching completely.

The second is from your wife. Its a msg she's going to write in 3 or 4 years. Read it carefully. And pity the fool.


A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
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post #26 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 07:22 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Sorry hard to handle, but its not up to you anymore.

Sorry, but wife is no good. The ones that just act like you're invisible are the worst. I think even if she did have an epiphany one day it'd be in your best interest to ignore as this would only happen a second time.
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post #27 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 07:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I've done the 180 somewhat.

We don't talk to each other so that is easy.

My friends have taken me out on the weekends and I have had 1030 PM therapy sessions one a week on different days, so by the time I get home its past midnight. She has no clue where I am going or whom I am with.

I changed my friends name to a females name and gave it a harp ring tone at the suggestion of a female co worker. She tells me my wife might not ACT like she cares but she does. He calls me a couple times a week. Usually I have him call before a session so it seems like I'm going out to meet this women.


As for that story. I seen it yesterday. I printed it out and brought it home to show my wife. Yes I'm a sap...

She read it and just about had a smirk on her face as if what a joke this is. It crushed me, but I didn't show it.

Sadly I have to suk all this stuff up. If I was joe the plumber I could do more. But because I'm a Cop she can really ruin the only thing I have left, which is my job and career. I can't afford to loose my job or get in trouble at work. It's about the only thing keeping me sane. I don't even bring my guns home anymore or have access to them without a bosses knowing just to protect myself from false allegations of me threatening her with my gun. Sadly I have seen other friends go through this and get those types of allegations. Even when the spouse is caught lying nothing is done to them for the false allegation.

She just needs to leave. I just hope the 45k I am giving her clears fast enough and not that I have to wait another month for that to clear.
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post #28 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 07:41 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Please, please, please try to memorize the way she smirked. That way you can remember her face clearly when things fall apart for her.

A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
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post #29 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 10:46 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Ok. I read this a few days ago but didn't comment because it appeared you wanted the divorce and were ok with that resolution. At least that's what it seemed to me by the actions- resolved and enabling of a fast divorce without putting up much of a fight.
Now there's talk of wishing she would change her mind. So which is it? Because it least from what I've read I don't get the impression that anything has been done other than submitting to her wishes. She's leaving, gets the kids by default, "agreeable divorce" etc
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post #30 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-24-2013, 12:06 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Love is blind. I get that & I get that you still love her and are in tremendous pain. I think, though, that she is a terrible human being.
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