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post #46 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-27-2013, 12:12 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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... I said when you were suppose to be true to yourself was when it mattered. When you where fighting with some issues you failed to express or deal with. That she should have looked ahead and seen that our 19 year relationship, our 14 year marriage and our 2 kids were worth fighting for.

That if she would have tried back when it mattered that no one could fault her if it never worked out. Because she tried.

But she never tried and that it has nothing to do with not loving me. Because if it was as simple as that, I said you could have just left. But the reality is you found someone else and did what you did and then dragged me around for some unknown reason that you can't even explain to me and along the way you did other insensitive things to me as if I was some piece of garbage or some ogre that abused you.

The reality is you had an affair and fell in love with someone else. Because if it was just the issue of not loving me you could have just left. But its not, you needed another branch to hold onto before of letting go of the other, like a monkey swinging in tree.

I told her that is what I'm angry about. That you never tried or felt this was worth giving a try.

She got upset when I said she was selfish and didn't think about the kids. She got upset over that and I understand why.

But simply explained, ask the kids if they want us to get divorced. Ask the kids if they want to move out.

I explained to her that all of that is what I'm upset over. I've accepted the reality of what is going on now. But regardless I'm mad over this issue.

But in the end I told her I love her because she is the mother of our kids and I will get over this. But I need time to calm down and I need her to go so I can heal.

She understood.
...
You had a well reasoned and logical argument here. One of the best I've read. Too bad it fell on deaf ears. If she had a conscience she would fall to her knees and beg forgiveness. But don't expect that. She's a reprehensible person who deserves to live in shame. But she won't not for a while.

You'll survive. Someone else will get the benefit of all you do and are capable of doing. It's your kids who will suffer most. Look out for them - they need a strong role model in their life. You can show them how to handle adversity and thrive. Be that person.


A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
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Wayward wife's sad story
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post #47 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 08:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

@ Walkonmars or really anyone who has been here long enough to understand the issues the BS deals with. You did mention something like that in the beginning but I never could find it if one does exist.

But if not then, I think there should be a sticky giving someone an idea of what to possibly expect emotionally.

I tell you, I think I am getting better then I feel like I'm back at square one. Just last night to this morning I had a very hard time sleeping.

Granted I do cry much less now.

The best I can explain this whole ordeal is like being in the movie Groundhogs day, except that I keep reliving my wife telling me she is leaving me and all the pain and heartache that goes along with it.

I'm still in a daze of I can't believe this is happening to me.

I guess because I know Tuesday will bring some closure to all of this. I know she will come back with some minor complaints but I know she wants out.

I also have to say I dread reading post where someone says its been 1 year and I feel the same as D-Day. Because people that respond usually tell them its been 10 years and they still feel the same. I completely understand each person is different, but I hate all the doom and gloom. I know I shouldn't read them but its like a car accident I have to stop and look.

What I am shocked is that my job has nothing for this. With such a high divorce rate among police officers I just can't believe there is nothing out here in my job to help someone. I know once I am a bit more sane with all of this, the one thing I want to do is help someone else out who might be going through this.

Once I am done with all legalities of this I will come back and tell what my end story was going to be with my wife.

Though I know I will be back here crying again, I want to say thanks in advance for all the help everyone at TAM has been.
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post #48 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 10:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

01/28/13 Monday night

I reached out to a women that I actually broke off the relationship with to be with my wife. At the time she was very secure in herself and was in great shape. Literally had cubes on her stomach. I was a bit intimidated about how squared away she was and I wasn't at the time, even being a cop.

She has a 6 month old and from the brief online chat I have a feeling she is also a jilted lover. As she said she will tell me her crazy story. Talking to her made me feel much better and level.

I know me well enough. I'm relationship junkie. I never just dated to mess around or one night stands. I go from one relationship to another.

I have a feeling she is single and I will know tomorrow for sure when she calls me. I know that things will happen or can happen between us. I'm no fool I know having a crutch will help me out and make me stronger. Just chatting with her online with my wife in the room made me feel like I didn't give a crap about my wife.

But I know it isn't right either to do this. I just know I will take the weaker path on this.

I know a year from now I will look back at these post and see how crazy I was during this time.

I definitely want to do some sort of support at my job for something like this.
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post #49 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 06:07 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Bro, if she is as stabled as you said, then she know of crutches.
Like you said the weaker path MAY be just whats needed at this time
It may be hard to believe, but this may be just the person you need to walk you thru this, and know how to keep things in perpective.

Either way, sending Prayers your way today.
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post #50 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 11:50 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Do you really think its in your best interests to start an emotional affair with this woman? Yes, thats what it is...talking to a person of the opposite sex about intimate details of your life. I know you want someone to talk to, that will give you some ego kibbles. And really, if you stopped seeing her before when you met your wife then you must have thought your wife was a better match for you. Life is about moving forward, not backward. And she has a recent bad break up too. This is a disaster waiting to happen....neither of you are in a position for a new relationship.

Does your department offer EAP? If so, that's a far healthier option. Look around at your fellow officers, I bet you know more than a few that have 2, 3, or even 4 ex wives. Why, because they moved on too fast with the first chick that showed them some love. And after a few years they are over the infatuation and are left wondering why they married this person.
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post #51 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 09:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

01/29/13 Tuesday

@ aunt eva

I have been talking to friends at work and a few that are divorced.

Oddly enough Just about everyone mentioned that the EX came back looking to reconcile. I don't know if they are just BSing me to make me feel better or being honest. I never asked if they came back it was just part of their story. So I can't see them as BSing me to make me feel happy.

I was just amazed again how retarded this whole process is. Wife goes into Fog and either is forced to realize and stays or they get divorced. Then they want to come back.

I know 3 men that have taken their wives back after a year or more. But many had moved on and just didn't want the pain.

As for this girl. I got the story. End result she wanted a kid so she solicited someone to have a child. There is no attachment between her and this man. She has a sitter for the child until she comes home from work. Basically 7 am to 7 pm. Again she is squared away. Single mom handling her business.

Honestly I'm not looking for EA, but a little PA. .. Sorry being an asshat.

I went after my wife because she was better looking and a bit more sensual in bed.

My brother told me maybe I stop being so vain and that maybe someone "less better looking" might be a bit more caring and trust worthy. That maybe I should look a bit deeper before counting someone out. Oddly enough someone said something similar to me today at work. It was weird I thought him and my brother spoke.

My brother went on to point out a few of my past relationships and showed me how every attractive women I've been with had left me hurting. Whereas the slightly less attractive women I have been with stuck by me and I was the one breaking up with them. It sounds retarded I know, best I could do to summarize what he was saying.

Unfortunately I am starting to see how I work and the honest hard reality is, I look solely at a women for looks and then I see what they are about inside. As long as they are not crazy or not crazy enough that I don't notice, I fall for them.

I just don't find anything wrong with a women if I like her. So I fall in love or strong affection for them. Like I mentioned I'm very monogamous when I'm with a women. I don't just date to have sex or one night stands. I don't need a guys night out. I can spend 24x7 with my significant other.

Another friend of mine waited later in his life to get married. He would tell me the cool thing about being single is either your feast or famine. When you feasted its non stop, but when you hit a dry spell you start to wonder if having a steady girl friend might be better. He admitted he had been lonely from time to time and it was a bit depressing.

I honestly never had a complaint about sex with any women I've been with. Its been steady throughout the relationship. Even with my current wife I was getting it 3 to 4 times a week and she tells me she didn't love me for a year. Go figure. Honestly I might say she was faking some of the time, but I can't imagine she was faking it all the time. We had sex 3 days before the final conflict.

This wife was my crutch for me getting out of my first marriage.

Honestly my first marriage I was 25 and we dated for 3 months. She proposed to me. Got down on a knee with ring and all. It lasted a year. At least when she broke it off, she was straight and to the point. I want a divorce. There was no one else, she just was done.

It hurt me, It took me 3 months to stop crying. The last cry was in the basement bathroom of the precinct. I still remember it till today. It was weird I just knew that was my last tear for that relationship.

I'm just jump from relationship to relationship. There was a time I dated, but it was only a few months.

I guess I got some relationship issues myself. It seems I don't like being alone.
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post #52 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 09:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I'm wondering should I tell my son soon to be 13 in 3 months that his mother cheated on me / us?

I've read in some other threads that people have. I'm a bit torn because I don't want to pit my kids against their mother. I sure wouldn't want that against me..

I have told him that I am his father and no one else should try to tell him what is good or bad unless its his mother. That if he should see something he doesn't like when he is with his mother that he is free to come here. But that he needs to explain what the issue is with his mother first and see if it can be resolved and not to use this as an excuse if he fights with his mother.

I admit I am trying to give him the hint that this OM might be moving into the apartment without saying it.

My wife is being vague about that as well. Which means yes.

I explained just like he is leaving me, it does not mean I love him any less and I assume the same of him. End result his mother should not feel bad if he comes here also and that it doesn't mean he loves her any less as well.

I know it would freak her out getting half child support.
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post #53 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I know I'm posting a bunch.

Just a different thoughts. I don't want to mix them all up..

My wife sort of commented she was broke. Currently I am paying all the bills except for the gas bill which is about 200 a month for the house which I told her she would have to pay if she going to live here until she leaves.

She also buys food for the kids as I don't use her for anything anymore.

She needs gas for that truck she has, its a avalanche so it sucks up the gas.

I told her if she is short to let me know and I would do what I needed.

I'm not being a sucker. I'm just being a human being. I'm trying to be civil for the kids sake.

A friend of mine today told me that after 5 months I am starting to sound like my old self again.

There is other info that I am just keeping close to my chest for a bit more. I'm hoping by end of week or next week to let it out.

As a side note I give this 6 to 8 months after she leaves. It's just a feeling. I think this guy is pushing her to leave. I think he fears the longer she is here that she might change her mind.
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post #54 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 10:25 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Dude I know you have to take care of the kids, I get that I have a 15yr old. Why doesn't her new boyfriend take care of HER. I didn't say the kids they are half your responsibility. Just my opinion.
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post #55 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 10:27 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

If others notice that you're being more like your old self, then you probably are starting to heal. It's remarkable that you're willing to help out financially. I'm positive I couldn't do it. I'd hand her a bus schedule or tell her to ask her OM.

He's getting plenty from her - she should start relying on him. That's her future, and her choice. Spend money on the kids - sure! Her? Not so much. Still I understand your reasoning, just don't agree with it.

Your brother is very astute in his observations. You need to keep what he said in mind.

As for telling your older child, why don't you see what your counselor thinks. Your child might be mature enough to understand that the family dynamics will undergo a radical change and understand why. You are doing the right thing in avoiding driving a wedge between mother and child. The kids are the ones who will suffer most. You 'll be fortunate if they don't have a sense of guilt.


A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
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post #56 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 10:28 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Show her what her new fantasy life is going to be like.
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post #57 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 10:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

You know you guys are right.

If she asks me for anything I'm going to have to sit her down and talk about this guy. I know she does not want to.

I did mention him on saturday and she said what does he have to do with anything.

You see to her she feels the only thing he did was give her the courage to tell me she didn't love me. That this was going to happen regardless sooner or later. If it wasn't him it would have been someone else, that she just wasn't happy.

Matter of fact as I type this I see what a douche I was for even trying to be nice.

I'm just too kind hearted.

Just as I go into the bedroom her phone is going off but muted its him the pic for the contact is him and her together

That made it clear what **** I am.

Last edited by Hardtohandle; 01-29-2013 at 10:52 PM.
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post #58 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 10:56 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

You're NOT a douche. (she is)
You don't have to be cruel but facts are facts. She wants a life that doesn't include you. She has the gall to exclude you from her life yet ask for a handout. Does she get her nails done? Hair salon? New wardrobe? Well, not on your dime. Not at all.

Next time she "hints" about finances tell her money's tight. But if she shows you a detailed written budget where she accounts for every single dollar she makes, you will be willing to sit with her and review the budget and offer suggestions.

But as long as you can't verify that she isn't spending family resources to primp herself up for the OM you have nothing to offer except for the kids welfare.

Be business-like with her.

A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
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post #59 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 11:00 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
You know you guys are right.

If she asks me for anything I'm going to have to sit her down and talk about this guy. I know she does not want to.

I did mention him on saturday and she said what does he have to do with anything.

You see to her she feels the only thing he did was give her the courage to tell me she didn't love me. That this was going to happen regardless sooner or later. If it wasn't him it would have been someone else, that she just wasn't happy.

Matter of fact as I type this I see what a douche I was for even trying to be nice.

I'm just too kind hearted.

Just as I go into the bedroom her phone is going off but muted its him the pic for the contact is him and her together

That made it clear what **** I am.
Exactly Hard you buy the groceries for the kids, she wants gas money she can ask mr. greener pasture for it. My ex and om lasted about 1 year. Now my d tells me she might go on a date or 2 but nothing lasting or serious. I have a younger gf for the past 5 months. Just sayin food for thought.
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post #60 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 11:05 PM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

You know what screw with her a little, dress up nice after work and go out eh 2 times a week don't tell her where you're going just do it. I would if you have a women friend have her spray some perfume on your shirt and maybe lipstick on the collar well maybe I'm getting carried away This is all hypothetical of course
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