I'm having a real hard time dealing with it - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 723Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #106 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-13-2013, 08:04 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,494
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

02/13/13 Weds

Well I came home last night and went downstairs to my mothers apartment to put the 2k my wife will get from the income tax return in a safe place.

My brother gives me the mail and I open the first one to notice that the credit card I agreed to absorb as part of the divorce which was 500 dollars when we wrote up the papers is NOW 1300 dollars.

Of course my wife was charging up this card even after she knew she was not suppose to. I of course forgot she had this card. One of the charges was a birthday present for that d0uchebags ( OM ) family members kids.
The fvcking balls !!!..

I woke her up off the couch ( her bed atm ) and blasted her. She was stammering and as humble pie. She gave me the card and I cut it up. I told her the money was coming out of her income tax return money.

I came into work and did a quick check and I come to discover she got a credit card from a furniture store which is of course based off my credit and on my credit report.

I try not to talk to her so I texted her again letting her know I know about this card and she is to cancel the account. I also told her to write down all the lines of credit she has and to get the note notarized. At least I have something to protect myself.

Every day I am shocked even more by what she does. All morals just go out the window. It hurts me so much knowing I would have given my life for this women.

There was nothing I would not have done for her. I NEVER told her no when she wanted something. I would figure out a way for her to get it. I never complained about her getting anything.

I am fighting with myself to not have these issues roll over into something else or another relationship. But I can understand how people get shell shocked after this type of ordeal.

Thanks TAM


My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #107 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-13-2013, 08:31 AM
Member
 
LetDownNTX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,003
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

H2H, its been a long painful road, hasnt it? Im sorry you are going through all of this, the ups and downs..rinse and repeat.

I hope for your sake she is gone sooner then later, I believe you will see that you will become stronger and stronger every day that you dont see her or have to deal with her.

Thats my wish for you!
LetDownNTX is offline  
post #108 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-13-2013, 10:35 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 4,963
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

LDNT is right. Having to live daily with her doing what she is doing is not at all what you need.

Do you know what cognitive behavioral therapy is? It helps you deal with unwanted, unhelpful thoughts. When the hurt overwhelms you, consciously repeat a realistic thought in your head. Something like, "I can do better than her. I deserve far better."

I used to use music to help me. When my daughter was in the ICU and things were touch and go for a long time, I thought the stress and heartache would do me in. Everyday before I entered the ICU, I would very consciously sing the theme song from 'Rocky' in my head to steel myself. It didn't work completely, of course, but it helped.
alte Dame is offline  
 
post #109 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-13-2013, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,494
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Thanks for the responses..

I am trying to get this done. Of course the lawyer just called and needed more info which tells me won't be until next week.

Its sheer pain..

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #110 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-13-2013, 03:28 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 9,954
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Can you put a credit lock on yourself that requires verification by an agency?

Like life lock ?
Shaggy is offline  
post #111 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-14-2013, 06:11 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,494
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post
Can you put a credit lock on yourself that requires verification by an agency?

Like life lock ?
Yes I can and will today.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #112 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-14-2013, 06:29 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,494
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

02/14/13 Thurs.. V - Day

My soon to be 13 year old has a stomach virus and so do I.

My wife told my son yesterday, as he relayed it to me. That my wife says he cannot stay with me because he is too young and I am never home..

I laughed.

I can make any hours I want, but I usually start at 645 AM and work 2 or 3 hours OT until 5 or 6 PM. Pretty much like every other working stiff in this world. Monday to Friday.

Plus I have a brother and a mother that are literally 12 steps away from us as our apartments are attached. End result if my son is sick I have 2 people that can take care of him. But I can also change my hours as well and just go in later when if he was that sick and needed attention or someone to be there.

Where as my wife now MUST go to work. She cannot afford to take off now and neither can her boyfriend. They don't work, they don't get paid.

But nonetheless sadly my wife is going to find out hopefully the hard way that here in this state a 13 year old can determine who he wants to be with. Basically from what my son is telling me is he can't handle this OM kissing his mother and the other stuff ( fvcking).

What my wife cannot comprehend is she closed my oldest out of all of this. She basically wants to just have my son walk into an apartment with this guy. The Therapist on our very first visit told her that would not work and I told her the same thing before we even went to the therapist and this was back in September 2012.

What she doesn't understand, which I do is I can relate to my son. When I was 12 my father left never to return. I understood exactly what was going on and that he had another women and I understood the games he played with my mother.

My wife wants to bury her head in the sand and just feels she can do what she wants and just have everything work out.

I can also imagine how upset she will be when she only gets half child support. That has to sting a bit as well.

I'm a bit worried because I can also see how upset my STBX will be not having him go with her. I can foresee a mexican stand off. Hopefully she will get the gist that forcing him to go will not do anything. Plus we have full and open custody, which in theory means neither of us needs to pay child support. Basically what usually happens is the kids stay equal time with each parent. But I just agreed to pay child support.

My mother and brother are on board to make sure everything runs smoothly if he decides to stay and make sure there are no hiccups.

I know what will kill my wife as well is that now when she works late, she cannot leave the youngest ( 8 years old ) in the home alone. So he will have to be with me and my family.

Go figure my son will be the one that makes this how fantasy come crashing down around her..

I kept telling her she wasn't thinking about me or the kids and she would get mad at me. Now she will see first hand hopefully what I meant from her own son.

I can see this is going to get worse before it gets better.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #113 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-14-2013, 07:33 AM
Member
 
ThreeStrikes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Ohio. I know.
Posts: 1,656
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Stop referring to her as "my wife".

She isn't a wife.
ThreeStrikes is offline  
post #114 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-14-2013, 08:21 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,494
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreeStrikes View Post
Stop referring to her as "my wife".

She isn't a wife.

I know. Even I started STBX as I caught myself further down the post.


You know I honestly didn't wish it had to come down to all of this. Though I honestly and truly understand it does. I know that I could not take her back now. I won't rule out the future. But it would have to include a long time of counseling before I even considered taking her back. Again assuming I have not moved on by then. Which I imagine I will be. Even if 10 months from now she was looking to come back. It would take at least 2 years of being apart and many sessions of therapy to even being to figure out if it even is worth it.

End result we would be talking 3 years or more of being apart and working this out. The only thing that would make something like this worth the effort would be my kids. I don't even think we would remarry. I would either continue to pay child support to cover my backside or have her rescind the payments legally.

My son has expressed several times of hoping we would get back together. I would try something for them.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180

Last edited by Hardtohandle; 02-14-2013 at 08:35 AM.
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #115 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-14-2013, 12:42 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 4,963
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

In the end, for me, it's the children who are the real heartbreakers. They are what makes everything worth it. Your W is in the process of bombing ahead with her 'new life' and praying to God that her kids will just go along so that she doesn't have to face the reality of their reactions and feelings.

For some people, this is enough. They fail or simply refuse to acknowledge realities and then go about their lives, tough luck to their children. My father was like that and he messed up my brother very, very badly; my father, on the other hand, just went about his life, never facing the ruin he caused - not ever.

So, it's up to you at the moment, H2H, to give your children the solace and security that they need. They are lucky that one parent is thinking first and foremost about them.

alte Dame is offline  
post #116 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-15-2013, 08:26 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,494
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

02/15/13 Friday

Well I took my son to the therapist.
I won't bore everyone with the details. End result he knew more about things going on then I did. He knew my wife got yet a 2nd phone from him after I caught her with the first phone. My son being 13 just eventually put everything together as he reflected back on what transpired these last 6 months.

End result he does not want to go with my STBXW. He loves her but he cannot see this man. In his eyes he helped break us up. He understands his mom could have said no. But he also does see his mother is trying to poison him against me. Basically trying to make it like I'm a Rage Monster.

Funny how no matter how much of a Rage Monster I might be he still wants to stay with me over being with this OM.

He also see's how my youngest ( 8 yrs old ) is being poisoned with talk of going to sport events ( which they not into ) and other things. Basically things we were going to go to but just didn't. This is all coming from the OM mouth.

How would he know these things ? Easy my wife is directing him what to say.

But I understand my son is only 8 and does not understand. I'm glad one of them does.

I know this will CRUSH my wife. She will be mad and blame me. But there is one secret I keep with my son and is I tell him all the time I love his mother. No matter what she does, I love her. That will be the bomb I let him drop on her when she finds out he does not want to go and starts blaming me.

Deep down it hurts me to. I understand the pain she will be going through not having her son with her. The same I would, but I understand being a mother it is a bit different.

It just is a shame what a train wreck this is turning out to be.

All she had to do was talk to me, work with me to fix OUR marriage, To fix OUR lives.

The if it wasn't meant to be, then she could have walked away and got an apartment on her OWN with the kids and then slowly introduced a new man into their lives. Instead of thrusting this stranger on them. But she didn't get it or care to get it.

A good note is she is giving me back the 700 dollars she charged on my credit card from the income tax money. Again it was 800 but I again wanted to be the good man.

Again worse before getting better, I understand and accept it. But I can't wait for the better part to be honest.

Hopefully this paperwork will be ready next week for her to sign.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #117 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-15-2013, 08:35 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 9,954
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Have you run a credit report on yourself and her to see what other credit cards are active?
Shaggy is offline  
post #118 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-15-2013, 10:30 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,494
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post
Have you run a credit report on yourself and her to see what other credit cards are active?
Yes.. All is good so far..

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #119 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-15-2013, 12:12 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 7,058
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
But there is one secret I keep with my son and is I tell him all the time I love his mother. No matter what she does, I love her. That will be the bomb I let him drop on her when she finds out he does not want to go and starts blaming me.


Quote:
I understand the pain she will be going through not having her son with her. The same I would, but I understand being a mother it is a bit different.
Quote:
All she had to do was talk to me, work with me to fix OUR marriage, To fix OUR lives.
Quote:
Again it was 800 but I again wanted to be the good man.



warlock07 is offline  
post #120 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-15-2013, 12:24 PM
Member
 
carmen ohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: United States
Posts: 1,181
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
. . . You know I honestly didn't wish it had to come down to all of this. Though I honestly and truly understand it does. I know that I could not take her back now. I won't rule out the future. But it would have to include a long time of counseling before I even considered taking her back. Again assuming I have not moved on by then. Which I imagine I will be. Even if 10 months from now she was looking to come back. It would take at least 2 years of being apart and many sessions of therapy to even being to figure out if it even is worth it.

End result we would be talking 3 years or more of being apart and working this out. The only thing that would make something like this worth the effort would be my kids. I don't even think we would remarry. I would either continue to pay child support to cover my backside or have her rescind the payments legally.

My son has expressed several times of hoping we would get back together. I would try something for them.
Dear Hardtohandle,

Stop thinking like this. It's all fanatsy. The truth is: (1) you would take her back in a heartbeat if she asked you and (2) she won't ask you because she doesn't want to come back and probably never will.

You need to get your head and you heart around the fact that your WW is a cheating b*tch who doesn't deserve you. You need to stop fixating on and pining over her, and start building a new life in which she has very little part. You need to start moving on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
02/15/13 Friday

. . . A good note is she is giving me back the 700 dollars she charged on my credit card from the income tax money. Again it was 800 but I again wanted to be the good man. . . .
And what's this sh*t about only asking her to pay you back $700 of the $800 she owes you because you want to be "the good man." Haven't you learned by now that being a "good man" will do not gain you any favor in your WW's eyes but will only make you look weaker and encourage her to try to squeeze more out of you?

You're a cop. Start laying down the law in your household, for your sake and that of your kids. You don't have to go overboard. Just demand of her what justice requires.
carmen ohio is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Three EAs that I'm having a hard time dealing with... Tisme Coping with Infidelity 77 11-12-2012 03:24 PM
Do this for real this time... diffident_dude General Relationship Discussion 5 07-26-2012 10:10 AM
I am having a real hard time getting it together today. mahike Coping with Infidelity 23 12-09-2011 09:01 AM
Back again, this time for real :-( Sakaye Going Through Divorce or Separation 6 09-16-2011 07:19 AM
Having a real hard time... Twisted Guts General Relationship Discussion 5 04-27-2009 06:28 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome