I'm having a real hard time dealing with it - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 723Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #121 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-15-2013, 01:28 PM
Member
 
walkonmars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 2,719
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by carmen ohio View Post
...The truth is: (1) you would take her back in a heartbeat if she asked you ...
I know how you say you will never ever take her back. You've expressed that in a rage often enough. That's why I believe carmen is right.




A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
walkonmars is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #122 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-17-2013, 09:56 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,488
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I honestly understand what everyone is saying.

I'm just lost ATM..

I know when she goes I will start to normal out a bit more. It is really when she is here I just can't focus.

When I am not at home I'm better.

I've only really been dealing with for 2 months because of fake R for the last 4 months before that.

I feel like I'm a fog sometimes and then there are days I'm like the hell with her.

It's the look to me. I'm blown away by her beauty. Look she is not a fashion model, but I know she is good looking. I can see it when when we would go out and men would look at her.

I don't know.. I really don't.. I know I'm all over the place..

To me I need someone else to occupy my time and mind. My STBXW as I mentioned in a previous post was my crutch to get over my first wife.

I'm trying to stay away from that right now and tough it out and work on building a better relationship with my son and figure out our game plan with him staying with me.

I know my wife is going to FREAK out when I tell her my son is staying with me. I can see her calling 911.

I've been talking to him about what the plans might be and see what his concerns are.

To me in my mind I don't want anyone to ever tell me I was fvcked up with something I did. I want to be this clean on my end.

As an example I noticed on the credit card bill, she spent 100 dollars on my youngest. So that is why I cut off 100 dollars. It was for my kid so I will let it slide. Again this is something I can hang over her when she tries to say something against me.

Basically ammo for a future argument. I just don't want to be caught being a weasel, I will leave that to her to hang herself with, which she has with my oldest son.

I'm a broken record ATM. Just rehashing the same sh1t.

Let see how I feel when she leaves. I think the solace will be both a painful but refreshing.

I just need to get out of my own fog. There are times I'm just doing something at work and it hits me that this is really happening to me. I just can't believe it.

The one thing I need to make sure is the paperwork covers my son staying here. At least if I have to go to court I will have something covering me.

Thanks TAM for hearing me babble on.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #123 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,488
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

02/18/12 Monday

I don't even know what to say. Its the same sh1t..

I'm choking on my own anguish.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
 
post #124 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 03:43 PM
Member
 
walkonmars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 2,719
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Is there anyway you can take leave/vacation and go somewhere for a few days? You need to get away from her for a while. Gather your wits. Bootstraps my brother. Put things in perspective, there's lots of other sh1t going on in the world that makes your situation pale by comparison. Be grateful for the things you DO have.

I'm pulling for you through this awful time in your life.

A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
walkonmars is online now  
post #125 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 03:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 182
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I read a bit of your situation and will give my opinion: if she cheated on you several times throughout the relationship of 14 years, it was a matter of time before someone who would COMMIT to her would come along, and she would leave.

I went through exactly the same thing with my first wife, and I reacted exactly the same way as you. At the time my Departing Wife seemed to desirable to me, I wanted her back so bad as she was leaving, and she seemed so radiant, I guess she was happy she finally made the decision to leave me; she fell in love with another man, for the second time since I was married to her (the first one didn't love her back).

THis was the greatest pain I ever felt, being rejected, loosing my family, preparing to live alone. WHen I come to this site and read other similiar scenarios, I start to get sick, possibly due to the PTSD.

I can tell you in my situation, I now am SO HAPPY I am not longer with a woman who never really loved me. She looks very ugly to me, I actually can't stand her, and look forward to when my kids are old enough I never have to hear her voice again.

You are holding back this healthy anger as you are still "reacting" to being screwed by a woman you have idolized in your head, but who actually is a skunk who smells like a fart.

You will see she is a skunk soon, and you will be so ashamed for having loved her, and you will hate her for having broken your family. You will be there, I gaurantee.
Ever-Man is offline  
post #126 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 05:10 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,488
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by walkonmars View Post
Is there anyway you can take leave/vacation and go somewhere for a few days? You need to get away from her for a while. Gather your wits. Bootstraps my brother. Put things in perspective, there's lots of other sh1t going on in the world that makes your situation pale by comparison. Be grateful for the things you DO have.

I'm pulling for you through this awful time in your life.
I'm just waiting for this paperwork to be finished up so I can give it to her to sign.

My son told me today that she said to him to ge stuff ready they will be moving soon. But she cannot leave without signing the divorce papers. Otherwise she does not have any legal right to take my kids.

Soon could mean once the papers are signed or screw the papers we are just going. At this point I have no clue WTF she means to be honest.

I wish I could split for a bit, but I can't especially if my son is going to stay with me.

Its like climbing a mountain with 2 sides, one of pain and one of recovery. I'm almost to the top on the pain side and soon going down the recovery side. But those last few 100 feet are the longest and most painful..

I just HATE being so defenseless against this.

@ Ever-Man, Trust I understand what your saying. There are times I am posting trying to tell someone not to be me and how I messed up and just hearing their story and the excuses they make about not wanting to be bad or mean to the Wayward Spouse puts me in a panic because it reminds of me.

Look I know this marriage was doomed. I see it now. begrudgingly I see it. She has issues. I wish we would have addressed them, but I just didn't see them. I just didn't get it and neither did she.

I know this OM will just be in my boat soon enough, not that I give a sh1t about it, beyond having some comfort of him getting crushed. This is the best he will get in his life. This is golden egg. His porn star.

I need a divorce surrogate, someone else to take this pain for me.

Part of me is happy my oldest son wants to stay and part of me is torn because I know what a whirlwind of sh1t this is going to stir up.

I just hope it doesn't get out of hand on her part.

But regardless I can't force him to go and I won't force him to go. I know its separating the kids. I know my youngest is gonna get hurt by not having his big brother with him.

I don't know what the fvck to do..

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #127 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 05:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 182
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by StillLife View Post
HardtoHandle, I'm going through and have gone so much of the same stuff. Five months ago I found out my wife was having an ongoing, heated online affair. Found out, started to leave, and she begged me to reconcile, and after much dragging of feet to get the affair to end on both the part of his wife and by myself.

We had a really crappy year, including her going through thyroid cancer treatment. The day after I drove her home and had to be out of the house while she was radiated, I now know she almost immediately started a heated online affair with another guy. Not only had she done that, but going back to just a couple months after I thought she was done with the first affair, she resumed some of the same behaviors that had led to it in the first place, including hanging out online in this game with another man I know she was having at least a light inappropriate relationship with.

I fell into the trap like you did. I asked her how she could be doing this, I begged her to wake up, I tried my hardest to hang on for the good of our children and what I thought was a lifelong commitment. She had me believing she wanted to reconcile, was asking me to come back home, was telling me she had stopped talking to the guy, etc. But I found out not only was she not done talking to him, but she had upped the ante into putting on full on cam shows for him.

Through it all, the first affair and the second, she was blaming me for the faults in the marriage. Like a sucker, I had bought into them and was working my ass off to improve things including getting us into counselling and really working on myself, all the while it was just a fake R on her side and she was doing nothing on her end to fix things.

I made the same mistake of telling myself that she was still a good woman, was just confused, and it was my job to try to get her to wake up. Like other posters have pointed out to you, I was fooling myself. I was clinging to something I had created in my mind. The reality is a good woman would not be doing these things to her marriage and her family. Even if I was the worst husband in the world, which I'm not - there's just no justification other than the fact she is selfish and has far less of a conscious than I, or I'd like to think most people, possess. The truth is I may have had made my own mistakes, including playing an online game way too much in the first year of our marriage, but I turned those flaws around on my own to make her happy. I am a great husband and was a fool to allow her to make me believe otherwise, to blameshift and maker her choices my fault, which is still her default any time our relationship comes up.

Like you, one of the things that gets me is how she has just completely shut off any emotional connection now. I exposed the hell out of her affair to many people, including her mother, which infuriated her. I also told the OM (some young carefree ********* in Ireland ) that she had been reconciling, even making love while she was having her relationship with him. I think all of that pushed her even further away, but I'm glad I did it. People don't get to just walk all over others like this and get off scott free.

It's funny, because she can turn on the friendly charm when she needs me to do something and there have been a few times I let my low self esteem allow me to help her like fixing the toilet, going to feed her cat while she's out of town with the kids. But I realized last night, no more. She wanted to throw our marriage away for online friends and an online relationship? Get them to do the heavy lifting. See how wonderful of friends they are then, because words are easy, it's the actions other people are willing to do on our behalf that make them true friends. I'm sure my refusal to help her with anything that doesn't have to do with the kids will piss her off, but too bad. She chose to end this marriage as brutally and horrible as possible, and her days of playing me for a sucker and using me for anything are over.

One thing I'm questioning myself on now though, is what another poster in this thread pointed out: she claims she wants an amicable divorce and feels like we can be mature enough to work it out on our own. I wanted the same to save on legal fees and the like, but now I have to really examine if she is just playing me for a fool again.

Anyway, hang in there. You're further along in the divorce process than I am. Don't waver, you deserve better than this woman. Hell, I'd say most people deserve better than to be with someone who could take something like marriage so lightly and toss it aside so easily. Even considering the children like I have to, we deserve better than this. Your job is to love your children and do the best you can for them, not suffer through an unnecessary hell for them.
Wow this sounds similiar to my situation with the x wife, a real pile of cruelty, for sure. Honestly, when I think that I was "nice" to her even after the divorce, it makes me sick. When I was nice to her I was ENABLING her cruelty towards me. I might as well have been stabbing my own heart. I feel ashamed to admit it, but I have been there too, I suppose it is called "love" for someone else more than you love yourself.
Ever-Man is offline  
post #128 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 05:38 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 182
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
I'm just waiting for this paperwork to be finished up so I can give it to her to sign.

My son told me today that she said to him to ge stuff ready they will be moving soon. But she cannot leave without signing the divorce papers. Otherwise she does not have any legal right to take my kids.

Soon could mean once the papers are signed or screw the papers we are just going. At this point I have no clue WTF she means to be honest.

I wish I could split for a bit, but I can't especially if my son is going to stay with me.

Its like climbing a mountain with 2 sides, one of pain and one of recovery. I'm almost to the top on the pain side and soon going down the recovery side. But those last few 100 feet are the longest and most painful..

I just HATE being so defenseless against this.

@ Ever-Man, Trust I understand what your saying. There are times I am posting trying to tell someone not to be me and how I messed up and just hearing their story and the excuses they make about not wanting to be bad or mean to the Wayward Spouse puts me in a panic because it reminds of me.

Look I know this marriage was doomed. I see it now. begrudgingly I see it. She has issues. I wish we would have addressed them, but I just didn't see them. I just didn't get it and neither did she.

I know this OM will just be in my boat soon enough, not that I give a sh1t about it, beyond having some comfort of him getting crushed. This is the best he will get in his life. This is golden egg. His porn star.

I need a divorce surrogate, someone else to take this pain for me.

Part of me is happy my oldest son wants to stay and part of me is torn because I know what a whirlwind of sh1t this is going to stir up.

I just hope it doesn't get out of hand on her part.

But regardless I can't force him to go and I won't force him to go. I know its separating the kids. I know my youngest is gonna get hurt by not having his big brother with him.

I don't know what the fvck to do..
Your are in the heart of the storm with all the life-altering changes imminent, but still not taking effect. When you finally finish the divorce, and the family is gone---I'm sorry--- that may be the bottom, yet to come, and will last for some months afterward. You will get through it, but not unscathed. But you will get over it.

Try to distract yourself, you can't take full on suffering day-after-day without relief. Just get through it best you can, it will continue to hurt, you can handle it, you owe it to yourself.

Remember, the woman you love is doing this to you, and that is one reason it hurts so much, but you will understand that she is not the person you have built her up to be, and there are so many great woman out there who want a man who can commit.

For me, moving on didn't happen until I started to date, I would suggest doing this ASAP, even if you feel you are not ready. That is what I did to start to heal.
Ever-Man is offline  
post #129 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-18-2013, 05:40 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 182
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

FYI Let your son live with you, good idea, that is what he wants.
Ever-Man is offline  
post #130 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 10:07 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,488
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I texted her, as I try not to talk actually speak with her.

I asked

1. Are you moving in with this man.

2. I want this Truck out of my name.

She went to respond as I could see the dots on the Iphone, but stopped.

When I got home I called her into the bedroom and told her, lets make this clear and that we are on the same page. I am not and will not let you take my kids unless I have some legal document that says we are divorced or going to be divorced.

I asked her if she was moving in with him.
She asked why.
I said I need to know before you get any papers.
She said I don't know
That means yes to me.

Regardless I asked my son if mom does NOT move in with this guy do you want to go ?
He said no..

Oddly she was semi pleasant to me, basically not looking to fight or have an attitude when talking. I can only assume because she does not have the money for the car so she needs to be polite.

The good thing is she needs to hit up the OM for money. At least she is draining him instead of me now.


My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #131 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 12:12 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 182
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Yes, let the OM take full responsibility for her, you can be done with her. I am sorry your marriage is going in this direction, it sounds like now you need to put yourself first, and not your marriage, and take everything you can get for yourself, you owe her NOTHING, expect inasmuch as your kids need. As you go more in this direction your tension should aleviate, and as you become your own best friend you will begin to crawl back into yourself and take care of yourn own needs. She never will take care of your needs, and will take advantage of your weaknesses, as she has already with the affair.

Start your way OUT completely and you will start to heal. The healing does not fully begin until the D is fully done. Good luck, you will feel GREAT as you start to take care of yourself.
Ever-Man is offline  
post #132 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 12:29 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 182
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Read the thread: Benefits of a Wayward Spouse. This brings to mind an important element of healing: using this experience as a way to GROW, and not IMPLODE.

This is a neccesity, you have no choice but to allow yourself to feel good again, and not wallow. WHen you have fully "mourned" the death of your marriage, you will be on the road to recovery.
Ever-Man is offline  
post #133 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 01:30 PM
Member
 
LetDownNTX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,003
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
I texted her, as I try not to talk actually speak with her.

I asked

1. Are you moving in with this man.

2. I want this Truck out of my name.

She went to respond as I could see the dots on the Iphone, but stopped.

When I got home I called her into the bedroom and told her, lets make this clear and that we are on the same page. I am not and will not let you take my kids unless I have some legal document that says we are divorced or going to be divorced.

I asked her if she was moving in with him.
She asked why.
I said I need to know before you get any papers.
She said I don't know
That means yes to me.

Regardless I asked my son if mom does NOT move in with this guy do you want to go ?
He said no..

Oddly she was semi pleasant to me, basically not looking to fight or have an attitude when talking. I can only assume because she does not have the money for the car so she needs to be polite.

The good thing is she needs to hit up the OM for money. At least she is draining him instead of me now.
In the "papers" are you allowing her to take both kids with her or are you asking that the oldest stays with you? Im sure he is old enough to express to a judge where he wants to live. Is he of age, in your state, that he can tell the judge where he wants to live?

Rule #1: Only trust those who love big butts...they can not lie!
LetDownNTX is offline  
post #134 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,488
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Again roller coaster emotions...

Yesterday I felt I was dying and today I'm okay..

I was reading up on the web about statics of divorce and divorce with infidelity.

It is amazing to see how many different reports show regret after divorce..

Its so weird how people only then understand that they might have been better off working on the relationship.

Utah requires a 2 hour course you have to take before filing for divorce. They discuss this exact issue.

I also read about 9/11 effect. In which many couples pulled divorce papers after 9/11.

One man stated, how many women would be so quick to divorce if they knew they had a decent chance of loosing their children in the divorce.

It is what it is I guess.

I also read up about the pit falls of dating too soon or trying to date to help plug up that hole you feel in your chest. Again more interesting stuff. I surely don't want to make the same mistakes again. Which is what they mentioned when you rush into dating too soon.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
post #135 of 773 (permalink) Old 02-20-2013, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Big City
Posts: 1,488
Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

02/20/13 Wed

Feeling fine today.
I guess I needed to let those emotions out on monday to get where I am today. Hopefully those episodes will be less and less.

I've been fortunate in the sense she has not seen me fall apart for some time now.

Paperwork will be ready tomorrow to be picked up. She will need to bring it to her lawyer for review and sign it.

I notice that my house has been polarized. My oldest with me and my youngest with her. My youngest slept on the couch with her last night. I thought she would tell him to go sleep in his bed. But it seems she needs his attention.

It has become apparent over this time that she has attention issues. Regardless of how much I told her I loved her everyday, she was missing something. The good or funny thing is she will not be able to fix this with this OM either. She just does not see it and neither does he.

I am thinking less of her and him as time goes by. I really never went into mind movies, which I guess is good.

I spoke some more with my son. I asked if he was hated his mother, he said no. Which is good. He is upset with her. I told him he will get over it and that it will take some time. I tried to explain that his mother just is lost and is just running on these emotions. That reality will sink in eventually. That probably once she is in the new apartment without him ( my son ), it will hit her like a ton of bricks.

The good thing again is the OM will not have a clue what to say and has no way of understanding the pain she will be going through since he never had kids or ever been married.

I also found out not only was he arrested but also warranted out for not paying the fines. Which is good, which shows his character and irresponsibility. Yet another nail in the coffin for these two. I can only hope he rolls her for all the money I give her.

So as the titanic slowly sails away I wave good bye and say good riddance..

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Hardtohandle is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Three EAs that I'm having a hard time dealing with... Tisme Coping with Infidelity 77 11-12-2012 03:24 PM
Do this for real this time... diffident_dude General Relationship Discussion 5 07-26-2012 10:10 AM
I am having a real hard time getting it together today. mahike Coping with Infidelity 23 12-09-2011 09:01 AM
Back again, this time for real :-( Sakaye Going Through Divorce or Separation 6 09-16-2011 07:19 AM
Having a real hard time... Twisted Guts General Relationship Discussion 5 04-27-2009 06:28 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome