I'm having a real hard time dealing with it - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 08:09 AM Thread Starter
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I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Will try to make it short as possible.

Married 14 years, dated 5 years. 2 boys 12 and 8.

My vice was online gaming. At the end I pretty much ate at the computer. I know I ****ed up. It was eating my wife and she snapped and she had an affair and now is leaving me.

Some extra back story.

After my first child was 1 years old I caught her intending on meeting someone she spoke with online. She never did it and we went to half ass Counseling. End result over time it was swept under the rug.

Years later ( about 6 years ago )I caught her emailing her old boyfriend she broke up with to be with me. He was a drug addict and had some other issues. End result he seems he cleaned himself up and is now a counselor in another state. She admitted she was fishing to hook up. I got pissed and she told me she was going to a counselor, I went with her.

It was one of the best things we did. The counselor is good and on point. My friends puts it best when he says it seemed as if we came out of that issue stronger. I really felt the same way.

Unfortunately I ended up becoming more of a third son then a husband. I work 44 hours a week and put in about 35 to 40 hours OT a month. My wife works part time and deals with the rest. Taking the kids to school, picking them up, cooking, ETC..

End result she meet someone in June who basically expressed and interest and she accepted to talk to him via phone and text message. Since June they meet twice and had sex.

We tried Counseling since October. Unfortunately she had second phone to talk to him and when I caught her with that, she agreed at a Counseling session to toss the phone away and not to talk to him again, she also expressed this to him by calling him up during our session. I come to discover that about 2 days later she reached out to him again and has been in contact with him since then.

I know she has problem communicating from the last incident. And I admittingly have or had a short fuse and flew off the handle too fast. So she couldn't tell me to get off the computer and acted out this way. She admits she is 1000% wrong for what she did.

Her simple comment is she does not love me anymore.

What also is killing me is this guy is calling her and texting her when I am home. Even though I expressed how painful it is to me and also having the Counselor telling her that he or she should not be doing that, It still goes on.

On one hand I am trying to get the divorce papers done fast enough so she can get out and on the other hand I don't want her to go.

I know what she is doing now is really crappy, but I know the good person she is as well.

I cry at work, I go home and cry in private. I pretty much just about begged her to reconsider.

I'm just having a hard time coping with this. I know it will get better and I understand it will take time, but I just love her to death and we have been so much together.

I stood at my door this morning and just listened to the silence in the house and it just hit me that its going to be just like that every morning and evening I come home when she is gone with the kids. It really hard to handle.

I would do anything to fix this and keep my family together.

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post #2 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 08:22 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

It takes two to make a marriage, and one to end it.

She chose to end it by cheating.

She says she doesn't love you.

She hasn't filed for divorce, and has become a cake-eater extraordinaire. You pay the bills, she screws around. That's why she hasn't filed for D.

She has been fishing for attention from other men throughout your marriage.

She is not a good person. She is being a lousy wife and mother. The "good person" is an idealistic image you have created in your mind. Her actions are showing who she really is.

It sounds like you would reconcile if she was willing. In order for that to happen, you need to kill the affair. That means exposing it to her friends and family, and if the other man is married, tell his wife.

Sorry you are here. Others will be along with good advice.

Be strong.
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post #3 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 08:36 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Im sorry you are here but glad that you found us because there is some amazing advice to be given here.

It seems like she has been fishing your entire relationship.

I will tell you the best thing you can do is not beg, not show her you even care. Cut off all her finances. Im evil but if that ******* called my house while I was home I'd break the damn phone while he was on it. Make sure you cut off her money before you do that so she cant buy another one. Let him buy it for her.

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post #4 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 08:36 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

So what image of your wife do you want to focus on.

The woman who has constantly been screwing around.

or

The woman who says she'll stop in counseling sessions.

The woman you think is your wife isn't the living breathing woman sitting next to you at night. You have an incorrect perception of her wants, motives, desires and dreams.

She has used counseling as a tool to keep you from leaving. You're a great meal ticket.

Have you been a great husband...not necessarily but don't mix the two. Her cheating is it's own issues. Get a divorce ASAP, take some time to learn yourself and learn what value you bring. Get over your computer addiction (that's what it is). Some gaming is fine, but BALANCE. Find balance. Find other hobbies that are out in the air of outdoors.

Have a couple relationships where you can learn how to love and be a good partner again. Then find the love of your life.

PS after your divorce, you WILL meet someone. 95% of the time, that person is going to feel like the love of your life. She won't be. You're going to love her so much because this person will be everything your STBXW ISN'T.

The more posts I read.
The more I love my wife!
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post #5 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 08:46 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I'm sorry you are here...


Your wife is not the same person you fell in love with. She has changed, but you fail to see her for who she really is. She is a woman who's been cheating on you throughout your marriage.

Unfortunately, she is sexually and emotionally bonded to the OM. She is just biding her time (cake-eating) until the divorce. I think this maybe an exit affair.

My only advice to you is do a hard 180, kick her out of the house, separate all finances and cancel all joint credit cards. The sooner she realizes the hard facts the sooner she will snap out of her affair fog.

Unfortunately your wife has never experienced any tough consequences of her cheating. If this was done the first time, maybe you wouldn't be here today. Did you expose her cheating
to family and friends?

Counseling is futile as long as she is seeing and communicating with OM.

As long as she is living in the marital home demand no contact, otherwise she can move out.
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post #6 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 08:55 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Your wife does not see consequences for her actions. She is treating you like a doormat. Your WW and that POS OM are not afraid of you or what you may do. You may want to R with your wife but she needs to know that you will walk or better yet make her take a walk.

I would file for D right now. You do not have to go through with it but it will let her know that you are serious. You need to expose the A. Tell her parents and your parents and does that POS have a wife or a GF? Tell them and tell your friends. She will scream and yell and call you an SOB and she will never work things out with you. That is right out of the cheaters play book. You are shaken her out of this fog she is in. Right now everything is OK because you have not dumped her stuff on the street.

Tell her you want a NC letter right now and you are going to send it. She gives you all emails and passwords and you will be looking at her phone whenever you would like.

Did you get checked for STD’s you need to and make her go and give you the results. I would be a hundred to one she had unprotected sex with this guy and you have no idea where his junk has been already
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post #7 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 08:58 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

HAve you exposed the affair? Especially expose the OM?
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post #8 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 09:27 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

You are seeing her in a "betrayal fog" right now...causes you to kinda glamorize her. It will fade if you decide to stay in the present conditions with her blatant disrespect and disregard. Your reality will hit but it will be prolonged pain and delayed healing with never-ending episodes of starting over. If you lay down your boundaries right now and show NO further tolerance of her behavior as painful as it will be for you, you will begin to heal after going through the stages of grief. You have to realize that what you are going through is temporary. If you release you truest feelings to her right now, she will have the upper hand, trample them and continue to hurt you in a false R. Many here have proven that a BS's decisive action and strong boundaries at the onset lead to a genuine R. She is in a fog of 'their' own and will either snap out of it or ride the karma bus. You are in the right place here at TAM and at this precise moment in time. I am a BS who found TAM two years later than I wish I had and made all the mistakes which I am surviving in today (rather than thriving).
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post #9 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 09:30 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

The more you chase her the faster she will run. It's a fact that you are discovering. So stop chasing.

Also, because you are chasing her and begging, pleading, trying to make deals, going to counseling, etc you are telling her that what she is doing is okay. It's just something that she has a choice to do.

Yes, I know you flew off the handle. So you want to say that you don't approve. You're wrong. Words mean very little. Words that are said loudly or in anger mean even less. It's actions that count.

You need to face the fact that she's moving away. Do what LetDownNTX and the others have said. Let her go. She doesn't love you and it looks like she hasn't in a long, long, time. She has kept fishing for someone else and settled for you until she's found the 'right one'. She thinks she found him now.

Face it, even if she gets dumped by this guy she is going to keep fishing.

It's way past time for you to work on yourself. Read the 180 (click 180 on my sig), read the books others will recommend. Once you become grounded in yourself as a man of confidence, integrity, and secure in who you are, you will become attractive to her and to many, many other women who are looking for a man like that.

Look to the future. Learn from the past. Let her go.

A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
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post #10 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 10:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Thanks for the responses.

ATM I am trying to be very civil because she agreed to a divorce which is favorable to me in the long run.

On top of this I am a Police Officer and she could really make some big trouble for me if things went sour. I don't want to jeopardize my job as well or get in some trouble with work. So I am sort of stuck at playing the nice guy. Unfortunately I have a multifamily home which my mother lives in. She could make it so bad that they would throw me out of my own home. I honestly don't have any place to go or afford to go. I would default on the mortgage by the end of the month if I had to rent an apartment.

I intended on spilling the beans once she signs the papers that are being drawn up.

As for as the computer goes. I haven't touched it since.

The Counselor as well tells me that my wife is making a mistake and that she will realize this once she moves out and has to pay her own bills and work full time. She also agrees that this relationship will fizzle out because of his possessive behavior.

Side story regarding OM. Last saturday she was at Counseling and he couldn't get a hold of her. He called the house phone pissed off and upset and was asking to talk to her. I hung up and called the Counselor to tell her what had just happen. Once she called him he played it off like all was cool. Which of course doesn't make sense. But she wants to believe what she wants to at this time.

I clearly understand I should have done more. Don't get me wrong we went out and such. I took care of my kids. But I understand I was over the top on the computer thing. And I understand she should have just talked to me about it instead of doing this.

I hear everything you all are saying and I admit I have a hard time trying to swallow it all. It just kills me that 20 years is down the tubs.

I know the only person that will suffer here are the kids.

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post #11 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post
HAve you exposed the affair? Especially expose the OM?
One of her cousins knows about it and her brother.

The OM is 53 and never married and never had kids. From what I seen on facebook with my undercover account is that his family doesn't care. They are just happy he found true love.
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post #12 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 10:22 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
Thanks for the responses.

ATM I am trying to be very civil because she agreed to a divorce which is favorable to me in the long run.

On top of this I am a Police Officer and she could really make some big trouble for me if things went sour. I don't want to jeopardize my job as well or get in some trouble with work. So I am sort of stuck at playing the nice guy. Unfortunately I have a multifamily home which my mother lives in. She could make it so bad that they would throw me out of my own home. I honestly don't have any place to go or afford to go. I would default on the mortgage by the end of the month if I had to rent an apartment.

I intended on spilling the beans once she signs the papers that are being drawn up.

As for as the computer goes. I haven't touched it since.

The Counselor as well tells me that my wife is making a mistake and that she will realize this once she moves out and has to pay her own bills and work full time. She also agrees that this relationship will fizzle out because of his possessive behavior.

Side story regarding OM. Last saturday she was at Counseling and he couldn't get a hold of her. He called the house phone pissed off and upset and was asking to talk to her. I hung up and called the Counselor to tell her what had just happen. Once she called him he played it off like all was cool. Which of course doesn't make sense. But she wants to believe what she wants to at this time.

I clearly understand I should have done more. Don't get me wrong we went out and such. I took care of my kids. But I understand I was over the top on the computer thing. And I understand she should have just talked to me about it instead of doing this.

I hear everything you all are saying and I admit I have a hard time trying to swallow it all. It just kills me that 20 years is down the tubs.

I know the only person that will suffer here are the kids.
Ha ha ha ha

Thats a good one, wait till she talks to her lawyer.

WWs for some reason always use the "Lets have an amicable divorce" or "Its my fault, you deserve better, I don't need much" and then you find out from her laywer she wants alimony, the house, stay on your health insurance until the end of 2016, half your 401k, half of any and all inheritance, etc.

You need to start protecting yourself. Don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth until you have a signed settlement. And don't fall for any mediation crap.

Have you retained a lawyer?
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post #13 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

I'm going to have to suck it up and just do the 180. My brother was telling me the same.

This just all threw me for a loop and caught me off guard.

But I agree with what everyone is saying. She doesn't care. I just need to be stronger I guess.
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post #14 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 10:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

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Originally Posted by Kasler View Post
Ha ha ha ha

Thats a good one, wait till she talks to her lawyer.

WWs for some reason always use the "Lets have an amicable divorce" or "Its my fault, you deserve better, I don't need much" and then you find out from her laywer she wants alimony, the house, stay on your health insurance until the end of 2016, half your 401k, half of any and all inheritance, etc.

You need to start protecting yourself. Don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth until you have a signed settlement. And don't fall for any mediation crap.

Have you retained a lawyer?
Yes.

We honestly don't have anything but debt.

I will see when the paper work is done, what she does. I did tell her if we have to spend 50k or 60k for lawyers that I will want the full service and will fight for everything including the kids.

The one thing I can see is she does not want to drag the kids into this, which might be a blessing.

I put her through school and she has a dental Hygienist license. My lawyer basically says she doesn't touch my pension and we don't touch her license.

She didn't understand her license was worth something. Plus I'm letting her walk away from all the debt. So she will get child support and 45k from my defferred comp.

Last edited by Hardtohandle; 01-10-2013 at 10:34 AM.
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post #15 of 773 (permalink) Old 01-10-2013, 11:02 AM
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Re: I'm having a real hard time dealing with it

Hardtohandle

I know this is of little or no comfort to you. But if you read the introductory post of the threads on just one page of this board you will discover that what you are going through is very common.

The age range for your wife is about right. The excuses vary; not enough attention, always working, too much attention, not working, overweight, it goes on and on.

They are all EXCUSES. Nothing but excuses. If you had never touched the computer during your marriage it would have been something as trivial as "you never, ever, not once, put the toilet seat down!"

And you would think back and say "you know. you're right! I'm scum. I wished I had put the toilet seat down. Damn me to hell!"

So you were on the computer while Mother Teresa tended to the ills of society - but forgot to tell you to get off the friggin' computer and put the toilet seat down.

It wasn't that. Not at all. She got restless. She got bored. She doubted her attractiveness (no matter if she was playboy material - she doubted it).

She's not into you. You can and will come out of this. She will awaken one morning and wonder why she did this.

A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
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