How to let her go?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-11-2013, 02:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to let her go?

I've been together with my gf for 4 years. When we met we were from different worlds, we had 7 years of age difference and completely different educational backgrounds, including different nationalities. We fell in love and it was wonderful for 3 years. During the time I have been mostly responsible or bringing in the money to the house and I have a rather stressful job that requires me to travel some what. She has told me that she has felt inferior to me and my friends and surrounding. I figured that the best way to make this relationship work would be for her to get self confidence, so I pushed her to go to school, which she did.

School was really difficult for her and she took a lot of time to study (which I always understood) and to make new friends and finally she become really good friends with her married class mate. We even spent time with them and I became friends with both the husband and the wife. Funnily enough, my gf really wanted me to get along with her class mate and I did.

Two months ago, she told me that she had had an affair with him, and she finally told me because it had ended and the other mans wife found out. She also told me that she had ended it because he could not make a decision between her and his wife. She said that it was not just physical but she also had feelings for this person (she said that it made it more right as she had actual feelings!). I was heart broken, shocked and in a state of numbness. I asked her to move out and she did. However after only a day she started asking for another change, she said that she had realised that I was the one and only and she would promise to work for the relationship. I caved in after a week and she moved back and went to therapy.

For a week (only!), it was better than ever, we had great sex, great intimacy and we really found each other again. However soon enough she started to get sad for no reason, getting snappy at me for small things. Finally we talked and she told me that she is sad for the ending of the affair and needs to grieve for it. She also told me that she all her needs were met during the affair and that she prefers the way he loved her in comparison with the way I love her.

She also said that the married man was 'dependent' on her love and affection, and this gave her a huge boost of confidence and this is the love she prefers. Now, that it was over the married man made all efforts to keep his marriage, to the point lying to his wife that she manipulated him into the relationship, and she still prefers that kind of love?!

I tried so hard to forgive but I couldn't, and in my heart i felt that she was still thinking of him. I would still try to understand and asked her to explain to me how she could do it. Somewhere along the line she even proposed me to marry her, and I agreed, however when I think back she asked me because she had naturally no idea what to do. I told her that I would need time to get over it, and I would need to talk about it in order to be well. Sometimes she just replied that if wasn't happy I just should leave her. So after a while I did.

After a while I told her that I couldn't do this anymore, that my heart was so broken (I literally have lost enormously weight and I have hard time sleeping) and she seems that she still has to clear her head. She agreed and said that it was true, we should break up, also adding that she was feeling too good with the other man and that something was wrong with us. She told me that she needs to find out why she is feeling so bad of the fact that the man has now started lying and she needs to meet up with him.

I wished her all the luck in the world, told her that as she can't seem to make up her mind, I am not an option and it has to end. As we still have a house together, we are living together (she upstairs, I'm downstairs) for next month and an half. Few days back she told me that she had met the guy and it seems that it is starting to get clear for her and she is hoping to get back with me in the future, maybe a bit foolishly I replied that I am not thinking of that, it has ended between us and I want to slowly start seeing new people (I did in the end say that it is more as friends). Also very foolishly (I was a bit drunk) I revealed to her that my new colleague from work had asked me for a cup of coffee, and that she seemed interested in me and that I would very much like to take up on that offer.

She completely lost it, smashing things, told me that she hates her life, she can't believe I could move on so quickly and that she is dead jealous of me. I told her that it was only for a cup of coffee not more, and that I will take my time for the next relationship.

Yesterday, she woke me up by making love to me and it was a great moment between us, again we felt so close and told each other that we don't want to loose what we have. She said that she only needs some time to clear her head and can't imagine a future without me, she explained and opened her heart about the affair (really for the first time without blaming me nor talking anything but nobjectively about the man).

I told her to clear her head and then come back to me, I would like to see as well that we end up together. However, the next night, it was different again, she was indifferent towards me again. Asking that we could keep on having sex while living together (as it helps her to come closer to me) without really being together.

I told her I can't do it, I can't have an open relationship with her and that it hurts me too much. She raged again, letting me know that I don't love her enough, she even compared me to the other mans wife - she told me that the wife really loved her man, as she let him to take time to choose. Wtf?!

I am so confused, so broken down with this situation that I can't see straight any more, I am actually scared for my health and loosing focus at work.

Wow, that really helped to write these things down... As I was writing this post (sorry for the length) I actually see what a loser I have been. She doesn't love clearly and I need to let her go. How do I do this when still living under the same roof for 2 months, without killing myself?

Last edited by blindside123; 01-11-2013 at 03:02 AM.
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Old 01-11-2013, 03:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

You are an option.

You depend on her mood. If one day she feels like she wants you ...she has you. The other other day she throws you away.

You will never be her priority.

You also depend on the other man's decision. If he takes your wife back, she abandons you. Otherwise, she'll get back to you because she can't stand to be alone.

He is playing both you and your wife..but unlike your wife, you are being double played.

I don't see how this story needs to be discussed when even we, behind the computer screen, can smell the manipulation she does to you.
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Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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Old 01-11-2013, 04:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

you'll always be second-best to this woman. this OM is still occupying headspace in your wife's brain.

if you're ok with this, then go for it. personally, i'm A-number-one or nothing.
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Old 01-11-2013, 04:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

Thanks for the reply. Indeed I've been focusing so much on keeping things together and this post here at forum was the first time I actually got it all out.

Seeing what I wrote and seeing all this in black & white, opened my eyes, and posts like yours make it even more obvious... Can't believe what I've been put through. This relationship is f***ed up.

P.s I just received a text message from her: "so hard to live with me and not be together when that is all I want." Must be one of those moods again...

Thanks for the reply.
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Old 01-11-2013, 04:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

In fact, she is telling me all the time that she loves me and can't see a future without me, that what we have is the most important, and she knows it... but that she just needs time to 'clear her head', and she can't do it while we still live together (agreed!) but still wants to be with me like nothing was the matter, go out for dinner and have sex...
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Old 01-11-2013, 04:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

cledus_snow I've always been "everything, or nothing all" type of person, but then again, I've never been in this type of situation.

I am 34 and we had a house and started trying for a baby (while she was cheating on me) and I feel that I've lost everything.

If I gain a bit my self confidence back, maybe I can make a 180.
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Old 01-11-2013, 04:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blindside123 View Post
In fact, she is telling me all the time that she loves me and can't see a future without me, that what we have is the most important, and she knows it... but that she just needs time to 'clear her head', and she can't do it while we still live together (agreed!) but still wants to be with me like nothing was the matter, go out for dinner and have sex...
She wants time to think it in her head because she wants to calculate who she has more benefits with and who she eats more cake with. She wants to think who of you is more convenient to her. That's what makes you an option. If you were a priority she wouldn't think twice about leaving him to be with you.
Actually, if you were a priority she wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

Someone who loves their spouse doesn't need time to think.
They choose their spouse right away!
Keep this in mind.
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Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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Old 01-11-2013, 04:48 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

Make a clean break. Regain you confidence, and purpose.
Be that happy independent guy then see what she has become.

You will see much more clearly then.

(Remember, she manipulated and cheated on you, she did it once, she can do it again.)
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
Someone who loves their spouse doesn't need time to think.
They choose their spouse right away!
Keep this in mind.
Tanks LovelyGirl, you are right. I wish I could mute her for not hear or read her 'I love yous, your the one's, but just see her actions, if you love someone truly you don't need time to think...
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:33 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Decorum View Post
(Remember, she manipulated and cheated on you, she did it once, she can do it again.)
This is what she says contributed to the fact that she had an affair:

Of course was monstrous to you and I would have to choose another option to react, but several factors have played into my decision:

- I was desired and understood by a person when I felt bad about myself
- I lived in a parallel world and you and I had almost become roommates
- I had a sudden urge to experience additional experiences as you have
- Most of the time or I did something I was drunk to the point that I forgot many things
- And the last point is that I felt powerful and experienced like you, finally equal


An this is what she is saying she learned:

- I learned how much you loved me and I didn't even know that you loved me to that point
- I learned that you can change for us
- I learned that experience with another person is frankly not helpful
- I realized how much we had
- I realized that I do not want anyone else close to me intimately


But she is playing me right guys?

She wrote me that yesterday morning and in the evening when I got home she was drunk and confident and feeling good about herself.

When I asked her what is it that she wants, what would be the optimal for you in this situation... and she said that letting her leave the house...

The thing is that she does not have money to rent an apartment and asked me for the money, to which I said no, because she is now working and to my knowledge making money. So I just said calmly that she can leave, after which she did get silent for a while.

And this morning, again different story... and so it goes on.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:09 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

Just a 2x4
Think with your brain not with your ****.

Take your head out of your a$$ and see how she is playing with your life.
You are sharing her with OM and you are hoping she will choose you at the end because she loves you BULLSSH!T........ She may come back to you but not because she loves you or respect you or you are a great lover or a great husband but because she will realize that you are weak, easily be manipulated, can be used as a doormat and easily cuckold you with any number of other men.

But do you want to live your life like a cuckold as you are living now?
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blindside123 View Post
How to let her go?
Calmly.

With a suitcase.

and a pleasant "GTFO".

Be sure to smile, no need for hard feelings.
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Don't say never
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:49 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

Quote:
Originally Posted by blindside123 View Post
Thanks for the reply. Indeed I've been focusing so much on keeping things together and this post here at forum was the first time I actually got it all out.

Seeing what I wrote and seeing all this in black & white, opened my eyes, and posts like yours make it even more obvious... Can't believe what I've been put through. This relationship is f***ed up.

P.s I just received a text message from her: "so hard to live with me and not be together when that is all I want." Must be one of those moods again...

Thanks for the reply.
You need to read up and do the 180. She is fishing, trying to lure you back in. Dont let her think she has you even if you want to go that route. Love is a powerful thing but you deserve better!!
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:51 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to let her go?

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Originally Posted by marduk
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:53 AM   #15 (permalink)
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originally posted by carmen ohio:

While I greatly respect the other posters on this thread, I believe many of them, like you, are missing the big picture here -- namely, what should you do to regain your happiness.

From reading your notes, it is clear that you were absent from class the day they handed out the "how to be happy" instructions. So let me fill you in on The 10 Rules for Happiness:

Rule No. 1: You only get one life; never forget that. Corollary: You don't know how long you will live, you could live another 50 years or you might die tomorrow; never forget that either.

Rule No. 2: Deal with things as they really are, not as you would like them to be. Face up to your problems rather than pretending they don't exist or hoping they will simply go away.

Rule No. 3: You are solely responsible for your own happiness: don't expect or look to others to make you happy.

Rule No. 4: Your decisions and actions will have the greatest impact on your happiness. If you do the right things, your life will be better and vice versa. Corollary: Be honest with yourself about your failings and genuinely seek to improve yourself.

Rule No. 5: There is no guarantee that you will always be happy: some people win life's lottery, most don't and some people get the shaft. Corollary 1: Don't complain about the cards you are dealt or wallow in self-pity. Instead, focus on what you can control and learn not to worry about the rest. Corollary 2: Understand that it sometimes takes time and effort to regain your happiness.

Rule No. 6: Understand what makes you happy and what doesn't. Corollary 1: Since you will change over time, reconsider from time to time what will make you happy now and adjust your decisions and actions accordingly. Corollary 2: When something happens that makes you very unhappy, consider the totality of the situation: sometimes cutting down a few trees is the answer, other times you need to look for a new forest in which to live.

Rule No. 7: Do what makes you happy. Don't do what others (parents, friends, bosses, spouses, even children) want you to do unless it is what makes you happy. This might sound selfish but it's not. Some people are happiest when they are serving others (e.g., firemen, Mother Teresa).

Rule No. 8: If you are unhappy about something, eliminate it from your life or, if that is not possible, minimize the degree of unhappiness it can cause you. If it's a situation (like a bad job), change it. If it's a thing (like a poorly operating car), get rid of it. If it's a person (like a wayward spouse), stop interacting or least minimize contact with the person. Corollary: When something or someone starts to cause you unhappiness, take action immediately; don't wait around hoping things will get better.

Rule No. 9: You don't apologize to anyone for doing what makes you happy. Corollary: You have no obligation to explain yourself or justify your decisions or actions. If you choose to do so, it should only be because it is to your advantage to do so.

Rule No. 10: Be the best person you can be, as you measure things. For most men, this means being fit and attractive to members of the opposite sex, being financially successfully and being emotionally strong and independent. But if you measure life success differently (e.g., displaying Christian virtues, gaining notoriety, acquiring power), then make these the main focus of you efforts.

If we apply these rules to your situation, it become readily apparent that you are breaking all the rules. For example:

☻ You are focused in the moment rather than thinking about how you want to live the rest of your life (violation of Rule No. 1).

☻ You are more concerned about what your W may or may not have done rather than dealing with what you know she has done (violation of Rule No. 2).

☻ You seek affirmation from your W of your self-worth and the guidance of strangers as to what you should do, rather than taking responsibility for yourself (violation of Rule Nos. 3, 4 and 9).

☻ You are reluctant to take steps to improve your situation and instead are wallowing in self-pity and shame (violation of Rule Nos. 5, 7, 8 and 10).

☻ You seem not to have thought deeply about what you really want out of life (violation of Rule No. 6).

☻ You reject the notion that your life may have to radically change in order for you to (eventually) be happy (another violation of Rule No. 6).

Based on the facts as you have recited them, I believe you have ample reason to be unhappy in your current circumstances and sufficient justification for taking action. So let me offer you an alternative approach to your problem that is consistent with the Rules of Happiness:

1. Sit your W down and tell her that you are so unhappy with your marriage that you are prepared to end it. Explain that, given what you know (OM's note, her hiding her phone messages, etc.), you can only conclude that either she is having an affair or that she doesn't care about you (as these are the only two reasons why she would not have taken steps to address your concerns when you first raised them). Say that, in either case, you would rather end your marriage than continue it since you deserve and are confident that you can have better than what you have right now.

2. Tell her that, out of love for her and your children, you are willing to give her one last chance to save her marriage and prove to you that she is a worthy wife. This requires her telling you everything that has happened between her and her boss, showing you all of her e-mails and text messages, giving you access to all of her communications in the future, immediately terminating all contact with her boss, demonstrating by word and deed on a daily basis that she loves and respects you and doing whatever else you require for her to prove her worth.

3. Tell her that it is her choice whether to do these things or not but, if she chooses not to, you plan to hire an attorney and file for divorce.

4. Stay calm and collected and don't argue with her. If she questions or challenges anything you say, calmly reply that she now knows what you expect of her and it is up to her to decide what she wants to do. Repeat your message as many times as necessary until she realizes that you mean what you say.

5. Give her a very short period of time to consider this. For example, tell her that you plan to speak to an attorney the next day so, if she wants to save her marriage, she has but a few hours to accept your offer.

6. If she refuses, immediately speak to an attorney and commence divorce proceedings.

7. If she agrees, continue to monitor her closely to make sure she does not go underground. Don't tolerate her complaining or pouting for more than a couple of days. If you get any indication that she is not serious about following through with her promise, start divorce proceedings.

8. For the foreseeable future, be cordial toward your W but nothing more. Don't initiate conversations, compliment her, argue with her or do anything else that would lead her to believe that she is anything special to you. Act at all times like a man who knows what he wants and knows that he can get what he wants, if not from her, then somewhere else.

9. Begin to take steps to improve yourself (exercise, work, activities). Make this -- along with your kids -- the focus of your life for now.

10. Start to educate yourself on what it takes to be a man in the 21st century. A good place to start is to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay.

If you take these steps, I can't guarantee that you will end up in a happy marriage with your current W but I can promise that, eventually, you will give yourself the greatest chance of finding true happiness. The key point is that you can't control your W but you can control you. Hence, you should be doing the things that will eventually make you happy, whether your W wants to be with you or not.

I'm not saying any of this will be easy; it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But unless you do it, your life will likely only get worse.

Wishing the best for you.
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