Holiday romance???
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-11-2013, 05:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Holiday romance???

Hello all,
So me and my husband have been married for 3 years.Our marriage is usually a happy one,however last year my husband asked if he could go away on holiday with his brother to see his family OVER CHRISTMAS,leaving me at home with our two kids.I foolishly agreed however given that he rarely goes out over here and he wanted to see his family it seemed justifiable and he promised to make it up to me when he got back.

So he came back and first thing that got me suspicious was the fact his phone was locked,questioned it and his response was he locked it when he went over in case it got stolen,fair enough i thought and left it at that.

A few days later checked his search history and found he had been talking online to a young girl from where he went,asked him to show me the messages but surprise surprise they were deleted.Told him i wanted to know everything,turns out he met this girl in a club and said he danced with her and bought her drinks,i probably could've handled this.But he then went onto say they met several other times over there (at the same club)and they danced together etc.

i feel betrayed and hurt and the fact that they were still speaking online and he deleted the messages indicates he isn't letting on everything.Feel like crap and dont know how we can move on from this,part of me wants to kick him out just dont know what to do!!!
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Any advice???PLEASE SOMEONE???
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Well at this point there isnt anything you can really do except leave if it bothers you that much. Otherwise you have to sit back and watch things. When you find LITTLE things, as much as it hurts and makes you mad you can NOT say anything until you have solid proof of something more happening. THEN you have to make the decision if you can deal with it or not.

How far away did he go? Put a keylogger on the computer and you will know what his messages say. Also you can check phone records to see how often he has texted/talked to her, if you are on the cell bill.

Good luck! It hurts alot to know your H has betrayed you!!
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for your reply.I hate the thought of having to do that though,whats a marriage if their isn't trust??I don't know how i will ever be able to trust him again.he went away for 2 weeks and met up with her several times.
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:21 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Your husband has cheated and is lying to you. I'm sure he is lying about what he did with this girl.

You must decide how you want to proceed. Usually, people want more concrete proof of infidelity before they make serious decisions. It's also the usual case that cheaters will lie and only admit to what they think you know.

So, I would advise trying to calm down as much as possible, acting as cool as possible in front of your H, and doing some checking. A keylogger would be a good start.

Once you know what you're dealing with, you confront and then decide how to proceed.

Just fwiw, I think the holiday with 'just his family' was an excuse to get the freedom to do what he's been doing.
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Tell him you will take him for a polygraph test. Wait and see his reaction.
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Even if he wasn't having an affair - leaving you and the kids at home at Christmas was just plain wrong.
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Old 01-11-2013, 11:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
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He cheated. He never thought about stopping once he came back. He just got busted and is making the usual damage control maneuvers.

Time to snoop, time to get a hold to those texts if possible, time to verify NC, time to berify he doesn't embrace the cake eating life style, time to test his commitment to faithfulness.
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Old 01-11-2013, 03:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Your husband cheated on you. Do you want to remain married to him? What is his attitude about what he did?

Personally, I say go for it to kicking him out. That's what I would do.
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Kat,

I know you are hurting, been there. You are in shock mode and that is understandable. When I finally caught my wife cheating (suspected for years) I felt my life spinning away. After 30 years married, it was like a death to a close family member only worse.

Here's the point... I did not want to except the worst possible. I imagined some kind of lapse in judgement, a mistake, a meaningless one-time. In some weird way, I initially accepted her explanation. Do you see the point... I didn't want to believe she was capable of maintaining a sexual, emotional affair. WAKE UP!

Cheaters are liars by very definition. If they say only a kiss, it was sex. If they say only one time, it was a dozen. Your H has been caught... Now hear a truth.

The affair that you catch them in is usually the last affair they have had.
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:32 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katieaudain View Post
A few days later checked his search history and found he had been talking online to a young girl from where he went,asked him to show me the messages but surprise surprise they were deleted.Told him i wanted to know everything,turns out he met this girl in a club and said he danced with her and bought her drinks,i probably could've handled this.But he then went onto say they met several other times over there (at the same club)and they danced together etc.
The messages were deleted because they were incriminating.
He is not telling the whole truth.
The fact that he left you and the kids home during the holidays to pursue this girl , means most likely, it went physical.

He would not abanon his home just for a dance and a kiss.
Some men become irrational as the prospect of sex increases.

Dancing is just " a vertical expression of a horizontal desire."

What you need to do is talk to the family where he stayed. Ask him about the girl's name etc, and get her phone #.

Go to the clinic and get yourself tested for STD's.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:05 PM   #12 (permalink)
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How "young" is this girl?

How old is your husband?
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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VAR the car. That can be done from Walmart. Expect bad news.
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Old 01-12-2013, 08:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Thanks for your responses.What is a keylogger??And can it retrieve past conversations??I cant even bear to be near him at the moment i just hurt so much.even if it wasn't physical and it was just a bit of flirting the fact he got close to someone else its still a form of cheating right?
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Old 01-12-2013, 09:22 AM   #15 (permalink)
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It is possible that he did not just happen to meet her in the club. What young father would happily leave his young wife and young family at Christmas time, for goodness sake?

One who, perhaps with the connivance of some of his family members, decided to meet up with an old flame, perhaps?

You need to get STD tests done ASAP. This is not necessarily because you need to know if he has given you an STD, as it also works as an excellent warning sign. "You see? When you cheat on me, you make me afraid you have given me an STD."

And some years ago there was a case when one spouse cheated, dried themselves on a bath towel and passed the STD on to their child, who got an STD infection of their eyes. So even children of cheaters are at risk.

And this tells you a little about keyloggers http://compnetworking.about.com/od/n.../keylogger.htm
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