Feeling paralyzed
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Feeling paralyzed

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-12-2013, 02:08 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Feeling paralyzed

Had a rough day today. You know, most of the time when people say "I did nothing today", they mean they watched TV, went online, read a book, etc. I find that on days like today, I can't even bring myself to do any of those things. I tried to watch a movie, but spent over an hour trying to decide which one. About 70% of my day has been me sitting on this bed just petting my cat. And I can't believe how disoriented I feel about time - I haven't gotten up in six hours?! It's midnight already?!

Sometimes the grief is so overwhelming I think it's a mental defense mechanism to just shut down - this morning was unbearably stressful, so tonight I feel nothing. Empty. When you're crumbling apart over and over, I guess feeling nothing is the new happy! I'm only half joking there.
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Old 01-12-2013, 03:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

Depression sucks. I have exact days/eves you are describing. I hate waking up. Have you seen a doctor for meds? I'm not saying they are full proof but just trying to find some kind of avenue to help. I got on something that did help. I still have those days tho...if tv is all I can do so be it. Let that be ok I'm sorry your experiencing this my friend...I know it sucks. I've got a cat and a couple dogs...even a bird...so the company is good. Well my parrot can get a little lippy
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Old 01-12-2013, 03:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

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Depression sucks. I have exact days/eves you are describing. I hate waking up. Have you seen a doctor for meds? I'm not saying they are full proof but just trying to find some kind of avenue to help. I got on something that did help. I still have those days tho...if tv is all I can do so be it. Let that be ok I'm sorry your experiencing this my friend...I know it sucks. I've got a cat and a couple dogs...even a bird...so the company is good. Well my parrot can get a little lippy
Yeah I'm on meds and they take the edge off. I've got three cats. They're a great comfort too, but they're also kind of a trigger - my wife and I got them shortly after we started dating, and I associate them very much with our now-defunct relationship. Wouldn't ever give them up though, just gotta erase that association somehow. Do you live alone besides the animals?
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Old 01-12-2013, 04:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

When I had DDay, I lost about 30 lbs in 10 days or so. At one point I slept about 7 hours in one week, then it started settling in. I went to get myself checked out and found that I had a minor form of bipolar. I was put on some meds that actually made me sleep thank God. Also I made sure to do a couple of things. I made sure to get sunlight and a routine. I would go outside, i found a purpose and I hit the gym. The gym was great! It was a great place for me to take any anger I had and focus it and help me make a better me. The getting outside was also great. Staying indoors feeds into the depression.

When I would get low as I was working, I took a look at my life when I was going to work. I separated the fact that my wife had cheated on me and I might get D, which eventually happened. I thought, you know my life is pretty good except for one thing. So you can either focus on the the good things in life or the one thing. Focus on the positive. Focus on making a better you. Work at it.

Here is a painful story. My wife actually told me that I was not physically attractive any more. My body broke down and I mean all of it. I started at the gym and I really started getting better. After a couple of months, because I had lost a lot of weight and now I was turning all I had into muscle, I got ripped. I'm 200lbs now, benching nearly 300lbs and I am in great shape. The mom's on my kids soccer team made a small shirt for me to wear because it shows off my muscles. I purposefully taunt this in front of my EX. My girlfriend who is 42 looks like she is 32 and is just beautiful... The point is, yes it sucks, but your life was not all about your spouse. There are other parts in it that really didn't change. Focus on them. I also sat down and wrote 10 things I want out of my life and I pursued that list. Better dad, more time with kids. You can either be depressed, or you can look at this as an opportunity to improve yourself. Go to the gym. Buy new cloths. Go to tanning booth. Get yourself looking great. People will notice. Find a hobby you always wanted to pursue. Look at life differently. It's short. Don't waste your time on the crap! Your life is valuable. Treat the time like it's worth something and Carpe Diem!
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Old 01-12-2013, 05:06 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

NDY,

Sorry you are facing the depression. It is normal.
Staying in a depressed state sucks.

Get yourself well, quickly.

When one is in depression, nothing is possible, everything is so horribly pessimistic.

First understand that this will PASS. You will get into better times.

Start physical exercises, better living.

See you soon a happier "NotDoneYet" into Done.
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Old 01-12-2013, 05:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

well I've spent last month of mine sometimes sleeping 18-20 hours a day. I don't know how does my body can do that but I am beginning to get better now. I am lucky that I don't have a job for the moment or I would have lost it.
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Old 01-12-2013, 05:49 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

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Yeah I'm on meds and they take the edge off. I've got three cats. They're a great comfort too, but they're also kind of a trigger - my wife and I got them shortly after we started dating, and I associate them very much with our now-defunct relationship. Wouldn't ever give them up though, just gotta erase that association somehow. Do you live alone besides the animals?
I understand the association stuff but I'm positive you realize the cats love and need you and it's not their fault they are that trigger. Try to see if you can look at it a different way. You four are a family. When you come home or...wait...they're cats...when you open a can of tuna or cat food or simply hang out I bet they are glad your there. Did your wife not abandon them too? Buy some new treats...shake the bag...start a new routine with them. Make them yours because you are theirs already. Embrace and own them because they need you and they don't want to be abandoned like you have been emotionally or other wise... Try to get closer to them.

It's just me out on a little lake house. I have a Great Dane 'Dane' ..and a little old toy poodle 'Lilly' ....mango is my parrot and Mr. Kinks is my mouser *cough...cat. Lol
I have pics up of dane and Lilly in my album I believe.
I had these pets before I had the dpsht I was married too. I do however associate the house...town...job...oxygen space with him. Triggers suck. I still need to get his pics off my computer and cell I just can't bring myself to do it. I think I will on serving day. I sorta do things on certain days or events or a mark of emotional accomplishments for me. So pics go either serving day or something to the like. It helps with healing for me. Yea I have triggers too...even laying in bed watching tv etc...

It's hard to find ways to detach from someone your still in love with...it sucked to even type that. Shxt.
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Old 01-12-2013, 05:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingAhead View Post
When I had DDay, I lost about 30 lbs in 10 days or so. At one point I slept about 7 hours in one week, then it started settling in. I went to get myself checked out and found that I had a minor form of bipolar. I was put on some meds that actually made me sleep thank God. Also I made sure to do a couple of things. I made sure to get sunlight and a routine. I would go outside, i found a purpose and I hit the gym. The gym was great! It was a great place for me to take any anger I had and focus it and help me make a better me. The getting outside was also great. Staying indoors feeds into the depression.

When I would get low as I was working, I took a look at my life when I was going to work. I separated the fact that my wife had cheated on me and I might get D, which eventually happened. I thought, you know my life is pretty good except for one thing. So you can either focus on the the good things in life or the one thing. Focus on the positive. Focus on making a better you. Work at it.

Here is a painful story. My wife actually told me that I was not physically attractive any more. My body broke down and I mean all of it. I started at the gym and I really started getting better. After a couple of months, because I had lost a lot of weight and now I was turning all I had into muscle, I got ripped. I'm 200lbs now, benching nearly 300lbs and I am in great shape. The mom's on my kids soccer team made a small shirt for me to wear because it shows off my muscles. I purposefully taunt this in front of my EX. My girlfriend who is 42 looks like she is 32 and is just beautiful... The point is, yes it sucks, but your life was not all about your spouse. There are other parts in it that really didn't change. Focus on them. I also sat down and wrote 10 things I want out of my life and I pursued that list. Better dad, more time with kids. You can either be depressed, or you can look at this as an opportunity to improve yourself. Go to the gym. Buy new cloths. Go to tanning booth. Get yourself looking great. People will notice. Find a hobby you always wanted to pursue. Look at life differently. It's short. Don't waste your time on the crap! Your life is valuable. Treat the time like it's worth something and Carpe Diem!
I used to go to the gym all the time. With him. We were both really into it. I haven't been there once since he left two months ago and I know it's good to go but I associate it with him. So I don't go. It's like I can't walk into the building. He moved to the town next door so running into him isn't the issue...it's the trigger as we were talkin about. The association. I did lose 10 lbs the first three weeks he left. Problem is I didn't need too. My Doctor was not happy. I just can't get myself to go. I want too...I need too...
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

The hardest part of any journey is crossing the threshhold.
That is, once you take one step, the rest are easier.
Probably it's that you feel a lack of inertia is because of fear of having this happen all over again, the first step in any direction is way too big for you. You are afraid of the ripple effect, how any little thing you do will change the entire future. But in doing nothing, you are also doing something. Once you realize this, you can realize that you might as well do something you enjoy. You don't know, you could watch a movie and have it mean something to you. Last evening I started watching "The Penitent Man," I didn't know much about it, I finished it this morning. It meant a lot to me, even though it was poorly done, in terms of the acting. Also yesterday and the day before I watched "Sleepwalk with Me" and yesterday I also watched a video about the effects of the lack of REM sleep, which can be devastating, even cause death. Of course it causes deranged states of mind. Sleep is very important.

Anyway, doing nothing is doing something. As you stay in bed, the rest of the world is changing. When you do choose to interact with the world again, it will be different. Maybe instinctively, you are waiting for the right moment to rejoin, but the point is, you can't know what exactly is the optimum moment to rejoin and participate. At some point, you have to pinch hit and just re-enter the flow, and accept that you are a part of the greater whole, and just get over it, not get over the depression, but just get over the thought that you have any control over whether you participate in the world, or not. You can run but you can't hide. The universe is still aware of exactly where you are, hiding under the covers or not.
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Old 01-12-2013, 08:17 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

MAKE yourself go outside at least once a day. Even if you don't make it past the first step, get different air on your skin. It is amazing what that small step can do. If you live in a dreary area like me, and can't make yourself go to a tanning bed once a week, then take some vitamin D. Our bodies need it to help us through these crappy emotions, regardless of whether anti-depressents are helping or not.

I haven't been in the paralyzed state about all of this, past the first week or so, because I learned how to take care of my brain's needs during other depressions & awful life experiences. While I hated those things while they were happening, it has allowed me to be a lot healthier during this most miserable of times. I know I have to get out of the house once a day. Even if I just go walk a lap in the grocery store, I have to get out & change the scenery. I have to reach out via phone or email to a friend or family member at lease once per day so I don't allow to much isolation.


Take baby steps, but do it for you, because you're worth it.

Last edited by Pointegirl; 01-12-2013 at 08:22 AM.
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Old 01-12-2013, 09:03 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

NDY, man I hear this loud and clear. For me throwing around the iron helped me a lot. Running, swimming etc.. man these things do wonders. The meds helped as well. I took the lowest dose along with exercise, eating right is a great combo. It's not easy, any of it. As time progresses you will feel better, I did. Also getting that sleep, anyway you can, will help you fight the depression. I fight it all the time, some days are better than others. Good luck.
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Old 01-12-2013, 09:06 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

Quote:
About 70% of my day has been me sitting on this bed just petting my cat.
Nowt wrong with petting a cat! Just ask the cat.

Sorry you are feeling down, but a cat always helps you feel better. I like posting about cats, but you have to be so careful what terms you use, or automod can get a bit twitchy.
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Old 01-12-2013, 09:10 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

You may also have anxiety. People with severe anxiety have trouble focusing on anything.
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Old 01-12-2013, 12:59 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling paralyzed

You ought to start posting in the separation section dude.

In all seriousness, you won't feel better until YOU want to feel better.
And dragging it out one more day or week is not helping in the least.
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Old 01-12-2013, 03:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Triggers suck. I still need to get his pics off my computer and cell I just can't bring myself to do it.
Yeah I was deleting pictures a few weeks ago and I found some I'd never seen before taken of her, and clearly OM was holding the camera - she was looking into the lens the exact same adoring way she used to look at me. Broke my heart.
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