Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree14Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-12-2013, 04:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
still.hurting's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 158
Default Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

My husband had EA withan old school mate about a year and a half ago.
When I first found out about it, he was very reluctant to give her up but when we got back together he deleted everything from her including all her contact details.
She contacted him about 6 months after we had got back together via email (she wanted to know if his contact details were still the same) and he emailed her back saying if she was still with her fiancÚ then not to hurt and not to contact him again as he is trying to move on and be happy with what you have.
My husband told me he doesn't think of her anymore and it makes him sick if I talk about what happened.
So, last week when I was on our computer checking FB, I was typing in the web address and her name came up in the address bar (he had been searching for her via google, FB & a few different search engines) I felt my heart sink... I confronted him straight away, which was hard cause we were already having issues. At first he looked confussed and asked why was I searching her? then he denied it was him looking her up, then later admitted to searching for her and said it was no big deal that he does it all the time. When I asked him why, he said he didn't know and that he was just curious... I asked him if he would search for her infount of me he answered, probably if we were both seeing if she was writing anything about us, but in another conversation he admitted it was wrong to look her up and he is aware that it has broken my trust even further.
I don't know what to think anymore, for so long he has tried to convince me that Im not his second choise and that he only wants and loves me, but if so why would he be looking her up, not just on FB but on google and other social networks?
He said in his defense, 'if I really wanted to get in contact with her I could go through my old emails from work and get back her email & mobile number. I don't want to do that"
So, what are your thoughts? Has anyone gone through something similar or know anyone who has?
I'd like to hear all advice/opinions, good and bad?
(if you want further history & information, I have written 2 other posts. 1 in General Discussions and 1 in coping with fidelity.
Thanks
Posted via Mobile Device
still.hurting is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-12-2013, 05:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
AngryandUsed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: In myself.
Posts: 1,313
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

It is not good for him to look for her. I think there is more to his side of the story you are not aware of it fully.

You made a mistake of confronting him straightaway. Because you knew he already had contact with her etc.

He initially lied to you after confronted. There is more, so dig it up.

Others will chime in about the ways to do digging.
AngryandUsed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 05:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Citizen of the World
Posts: 941
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Completely wrong to contact the OW. Your husband is still in the "fog" of his EA and is still obsessing about his EA partner. It's like a mental disease. Do NOT rug sweep this. He has to deal with this by going 100% NC (including googling her name and checking her fb) and you have to be satisfied by his efforts. You need to work out the broken trust issues going forward too. He has to be on board for this - if he's not, ask him to leave.

There is NO defense and his excuses are a weak attempt to rug sweep.
C-man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 08:30 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 2,449
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

IF he wanted to contact her, he could. He is NOT looking her up to figure out how to contact her.

He is looking her up because he still cares about her and wonders how she is doing. He is curious if she ever got married, had a baby, etc.

It is not good for him to look her up. It means that he still is thinking about her.

In my opinion, it is natural to be curious about what happened to those we were close to when we were younger. I guess that's why there are websites like reunion or classmates. It is even natural to look up old girlfriends. If all is above board, one wouldn't care if their spouse knew they were doing this, they might even tell their spouse any interesting thing that happened to one of these old friends or girlfriends. It would not be natural to do this repetitively or to hide it.

Maybe it is even natural to want to look up old affair partners, but unlike old boy/girlfriends, one would know that looking up old affair partners would be extremely painful for the betrayed spouse to find out about.

So just like he has to exercise some self control to not contact her, he also has to do the same regarding looking her up on the Internet. In my opinion, looking her up is probably an emotional experience for him, emotion he is devoting to her (pining?) and not to you. Plus, why would he want to do it if he wants you to heal from it?
Will_Kane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 03:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Calibre12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 434
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Yes it's wrong. The closure to her is blurry.

"...He was very reluctant to give her up but when we got back together he deleted everything from her including all her contact details."
Red flag: Felt forced or obligated to do this. Not done with her yet.

"She contacted him about 6 months after we had got back together via email (she wanted to know if his contact details were still the same).
Red flag: Why?

"...he emailed her back saying if she was still with her fiancÚ."
Why is that his business now, he is with his wife.

"then not to hurt and not to contact him again as he is trying to move on and be happy with what you have."
Red flag: He's telling her he is hurt and devastated by her absence.

"My husband told me he doesn't think of her anymore and it makes him sick if I talk about what happened."
Red flag: Sounds like he is a bit heartbroken.


I agree with CM that your hubby is still in the fog. He needs to get some counseling so he can get this out of his system. He needs to write a NC letter with you to this woman. His choice of words will be telling. If it isn't concise with much reference to you and your marriage, don't send it. Look up the examples on the newbie thread by AlmostRecovered as to what it should look like. Let him know the contents of the thread too. He needs help him clear the fog. He is sitting on the fence.
Calibre12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 03:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 10,008
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Quote:
Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Yes. Very wrong. He has no excuse to do this.
__________________
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 03:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 6,127
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Without being richly referred to as a "cake-eater," yes, it is beyond totally wrong for him to do that! You deserve far better!
__________________
"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 03:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Stella Moon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Where it's cold...
Posts: 1,123
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

I'm not at all trying to be rude...but really? Did you really ask if that was wrong? Did he really just indicate to you 'the ways he could look her up' if he 'wanted to' ...and did google her?

Watch your back honey...I smell a rat...
__________________
Don't make excuses for him. You can't put flowers in an @sshole and call it a vase.

~Take these shackles off my feet so I can dance...
My blog:
https://stellamoon.wordpress.com/
Stella Moon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 03:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 168
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. He knows looking her up makes you uncomfortable, and he kept it a secret from you. Ask him this: Why do you value Googling her name more than the structural integrity of our marriage?

Put a key logger on the computer, I guarantee he's done more than just look her up.
NotDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 05:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 230
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

He's lying. He's cheating on you still coz you found out by accident that he's still thinking about her because he took time out from you to spend time on the net to search for her.

No trust here. He needs to do some heavy lifting to win you back. He's too sure of you and you need to make him not so sure. He should be cherishing you in the present, not her from the past. He's bringing the past into the present and its causing you grief and heartache.

He needs to step up to the mark or he will lose you. No relationship can be really happy with deceit and lies..
Lazarus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 06:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 2,449
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Quote:
Originally Posted by still.hurting View Post
She contacted him about 6 months after we had got back together via email (she wanted to know if his contact details were still the same) and he emailed her back saying if she was still with her fiancÚ then not to hurt and not to contact him again as he is trying to move on and be happy with what you have.

My husband told me he doesn't think of her anymore.

then he denied it was him looking her up, then later admitted to searching for her and said it was no big deal that he does it all the time. When I asked him why, he said he didn't know and that he was just curious... IPosted via Mobile Device
So, if she wasn't still with her fiance, then he would have considered starting up with her again?

He doesn't think of her anymore, but he googles her all the time?
Will_Kane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 07:48 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 192
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Um

Of course this is wrong. He is fishing....

What the H-E-L-L is he doing holding on to old emails from his affair partner? He needs to delete/shred them in front of you immediately.


Him saying he can get in touch with her if he wants just proves he is unrepentant.


His attitude is he can/will cheat on you again if/when he chooses

Sounds like a real A-hole!
Silverlining is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 08:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
still.hurting's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 158
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Yep he's fishing... That's why I'm so cut again; I know it would easy for him to get back incontact with her cause her email address is on his works email (he has deleted all corospondance from her, it's work policy to store all emails on there server) I think he was looking to see if she still was with her fiancÚ and if she wasn't I do believe that he would consider 'really' getting in contact with her.
Besides from going to mc tomorrow and discussing things there, how do I prevent this from being 'swept under the rug'. We had a talk about it, he couldn't tell me why he searched for her, accept for just plain curiousity. It seems like everytime I bring it up it's a 'bad time' and Im having trouble thinking of the right questions to ask him...
Posted via Mobile Device
still.hurting is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 09:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Stella Moon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Where it's cold...
Posts: 1,123
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Quote:
Originally Posted by still.hurting View Post
Yep he's fishing... That's why I'm so cut again; I know it would easy for him to get back incontact with her cause her email address is on his works email (he has deleted all corospondance from her, it's work policy to store all emails on there server) I think he was looking to see if she still was with her fiancÚ and if she wasn't I do believe that he would consider 'really' getting in contact with her.
Besides from going to mc tomorrow and discussing things there, how do I prevent this from being 'swept under the rug'. We had a talk about it, he couldn't tell me why he searched for her, accept for just plain curiousity. It seems like everytime I bring it up it's a 'bad time' and Im having trouble thinking of the right questions to ask him...
Posted via Mobile Device
Yea he's rug sweeping...

Maybe you should be done with the 'why's' and just accept the fact he's doing it...done it...and go ahead and bring it up in MC...but with that...ask him to leave the house. Separate. I know that must be scary and the last thing you want...but...he's apparently up to his old tricks again...is this how you want to live? What he did is NOT ok... There should be cosequences...so why don't 'you' take the action...pack a bag for him...maybe he'll 'talk' then? Maybe he start doing some heavy lifting...?? I don't know...He's a jakazz for putting you through this yet again...'you' make some choices... 'you' can keep this from being rug swept...although drastic...but perhaps it's what is needed to break his infedility/EA cycle...
__________________
Don't make excuses for him. You can't put flowers in an @sshole and call it a vase.

~Take these shackles off my feet so I can dance...
My blog:
https://stellamoon.wordpress.com/
Stella Moon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2013, 09:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 8,697
Default Re: Is it wrong to look up your ex emotional affair person?

Have you asked him what he thought this would do to a marriage that was hanging on by a thread? Ask him if he cares. Then tell him to leave you alone for a few days as you havesome thinking to do.

I would sit him down to the computer and tell him to open his work emails. I think his reactionwould give you a lot of answers.

Do you have all his passwords/phone/text accts etc.?
Chaparral is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Sometimes I think I married the wrong person... ThisMarriedChick General Relationship Discussion 17 01-17-2013 06:20 PM
First time I see my H in person since telling him my affair blueskies30 Coping with Infidelity 16 11-23-2012 01:53 PM
Did I simply marry the wrong person? southbound General Relationship Discussion 25 04-03-2011 08:27 PM
Maybe we ALL married the wrong person! Let's swap! MRB General Relationship Discussion 11 11-06-2010 12:44 AM
What do you do when you feel like you married the wrong person? confuzzled General Relationship Discussion 4 11-30-2009 12:09 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:28 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage