Never thought I would be posting messages (for that matter never thought I would be visiting these websites).
I have been married for 7 years now, have 2 boys (2 and 4yrs), I am hard working and provided my wife and family with what I think is a fantastic life. We travel abroad as a family at least once a year, have a beautiful home, kids in a good school and a wife who is intellligent non practising attorney.
My "punishment" for what I have created (with my wife) is infilidaty on her part. A real kick in the teeth!
She went out with some girfriends, had some prick take her phone out her hand (how she allowed that I dont know). He dialed his number off her phone and so the texting ensued. The very next day, I caught her texting him It's not likely that "he pulled the phone out of her hand" and that you caught them "the next day. What most likely happened is that she met him, gave him her number, and had been carrying on with him for a while before you caught her."(on the evening of our sons 2nd birthday), naturally I lost it and she claimed to understand I was angry and said it was nothing and would cease all correspondance.
Her behavoiur over the following weeks became odd (not to mention she was actually being abnormally affectionate towards me), and I started checking her phone, computer etc. (I thought I was going CRAZY!) I found some correspondance on her computer (a search for airline tickets to visit the prick). I then found another phone in her handbag (I pay her cell phone so I would naturally be able to check her account - so she bought a pay as you go sim card and phone). Again, it sounds unlikely that all this escalated over a few weeks. I suspect it was going on much longer.
I called her and told her I knew something was going on and it was time for her to come clean. I was told I was psychotic and that nothing was going on. He sms'd her the next day on the phone which I found while I was questioning her about the reason for the phone saying "any chance I can see you today, we can run into the forrest and hide somewhere". This guy is a real piece of work.
So 10 days before Xmas she was caught again, I was asked not to leave and that we needed counciling. Reluctantly, I agreed.
The first thing the councilor said to her was that if it was not over with the prick that we would all be wasting our time and money. She was adamant that it ended. I found out partly by bluffing and partly her telling me that he flew in to see her, he checked into a hotel and she had seen him 3 times in the 4 nights he was here (so I am told anyway). I am told they lay on the bed fully clothed and only kissed. Please tell me that you don't believe that there is even the slightest possibility that they only kissed.
After 2 councilling sessions, 1 day before new years, I found more email correspondance between her and the prick, this time on a new gmail account she created. They had alyce facebook accounts, but she had deleted all the correspondance baring that day. The correspondance included how they loved each other, missed each other etc.
I moved out for the weekNext time, you stay put and let her move out., we went to the councillor twice and she is not remorseful, she tells of how being a stay at home mom has caused a lot of what she has/is doing. She tells me she loves me, but really I think she just likes the fact that I provide and give her what she has.
Currently I am back home, but barely talk to her.
Dont know how the hell I got here.....
Well, you've given her plenty of chances to end it, and she hasn't.
And the consequences to her are? She gets to continue the same lifestyle? She gets to continue the affair? You get to be upset about it? WHAT REASON DOES SHE HAVE TO STOP?
If it weren't for the kids, I would say just kick her to the curb.
Cheaters are liars. Ignore everything your wife says, unless it is supported by her actions.
I posted this in another thread, but I think it applies to you, too.
When you confronted your wife originally about this situation, she immediately and sincerely pledged to work on the marriage and then she proceeded to not work on the marriage one little bit.
Your marriage MAY be salvageable. It may not.
Your situation is very common. There always are a few variables, but nothing significantly different. Cheaters follow a very predictable script. Betrayed spouses also follow the script. The plot outline could take one of a few courses, like bad TV movies. You and your wife both are following the script to a T.
Your wife is "fence-sitting" and "eating cake." She is "in love" with the other man. This will run its course on its own. In about a year, or two, maybe at longest three. That's how long it takes to get over the "in love" feeling, which eventually turns into the kind of love you and your wife have for each other, the more mature settled kind of love, not the exciting, not-knowing-what's-going-to-happen-next, butterfly-in-the-stomach love. After the "in love" feeling wears off, your wife may stay with the other man out of habit for a year or a few more. Then she will contact you via Facebook, remembering only the good times, and want to reunite with you. If she doesn't meet anyone else in between. So, if you follow your current course, you might have your wife back in 7-10 years or so.
Your wife wants the safety of you at home and the excitement of her new lover. She's not going to give up either unless you force her to (or unless the other man gets hit by a bus, struck by lightning, finds someone else, or otherwise dumps her).
You can wait until hell freezes over and it still won't be enough time for your wife to decide to stay with you. The only way you are going to save your marriage is to end the affair. That is the first step and no guarantee that you can save your marriage.
Your wife is "in love" with the other man, which means she is infatuated, gets butterflies in the stomach, like a teenager with a crush. Her "affair" with the other man is pure fantasy-land; none of the harsh realities of life intrudes. In her affair with him, she does not have to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, do laundry, cook, clean, or deal with any of life's unpleasantness. With him, there is only I love you's, sex, and talk of living in a perfect fantasy world together. Of course, no such perfect fantasy world awaits your wife, and somewhere deep down she knows that, but a big part of her wants to believe in that fantasy, just like you want to believe that she will come to her senses on her own. She won't.
Right now, she likes the fact that she can still have her other man knowing you will be there as a backup in case it falls through. She is sitting on the fence eating cake.
There is a reason she hasn't left you for him - what is it? The kids? The job? Other man's hesitance to leave his wife and family? If she is in love with him and they are soulmates destined to be together, why hasn't she left you for him yet?
Your first step is to talk to your wife. Get her alone without the kids around. Tell her that you love her and are sorry for whatever legitimate gripes she has against you, that you will improve yourself and improve your marriage, that you feel your marriage will be better than ever if you try to reconcile. Next, tell her that although you feel this way, you cannot go on this way any longer as she continues to lie to you and continue her affair. Give her one day to decide whether she wants to continue in the marriage with you or get divorced. Tell her no decision means she chooses other man. Tell her you took vows together, you've been married many years, have had children together, and have been through life's ups and downs together and you don't plan on waiting any longer as her "backup plan" while she continues her affair with the other man.
If your wife does choose to commit to the marriage, she agrees to:
1. Give up all contact with the other man now and forever.
2. Handwrite a no contact letter to the other man. The letter states that she doesn't want to ever talk to him again, if he contacts her again, she will file harassment charges against him. It is handwritten, contains no terms of endearment, starts simply with his name, and ends with "signed" and your wife's name. It does not contain any "I'm sorry this didn't work out" or "I will always remember you fondly" or anything of the sort. Just that the affair is over and there is to be no contact forevermore.
3. Tell you the full truth of her affair. If the story does not make sense, she will take a polygraph to verify the details.
4. Give you complete transparency of all her communication devices and accounts, all passwords, you get to check whenever you feel like. Agrees to let you know where she is at all times.
If she can't agree to this, file for divorce. Don't threaten it, just do it.
Divorce is a long process. You can always stop it if your wife comes to her senses. If not, you save yourself months and months of pain and unhappiness, which ends in a bad result anyway.
If your wife does not want to meet your conditions and work on the marriage, start moving on with your life. Stop engaging with her as your wife, and start engaging with her as your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Be pleasant, but not romantic. Talk to her only as needed to discuss the divorce settlement. If you are financing her affair in any way, stop. Definitely don't pay for any means she uses to cheat on you.
Also, if she doesn't choose to re-commit to the marriage right away, expose the affair to the other man's family and friends. Expose the affair to you and your wife's family and friends. Let them know the other man's name and ask for their support in saving your family and your marriage. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this, just do it.
If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. You cannot "nice" your wife out of her affair.
The longer you allow this to go on, the more respect your wife is losing for you. She sees a weak-willed man who is not willing to stand up for himself. When she sees the other man, she sees a strong man who goes after what he wants and doesn't stop until he gets it. Other man may be belittling you to your wife every chance he gets. And if so she likely is listening to it and not disputing it. If the situation were reversed, do you think she would tolerate it? Why are you willing to put up with her cheating on you?
If your wife does agree, buy a few voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro. Place one under the front seat of her car and another in the house where she is likely to use the phone when you are not around. Within a week you should be able to see if she's serious about ending contact with other man. Keylog the computer if you can. You can't go on snooping and spying and monitoring for the rest of your life, but for the immediate future, given your wife's history of lying, you must verify her honesty in order to rebuild trust. As time passes and you find nothing, then you can stop or greatly reduce the monitoring of her communication devices and accounts and get rid of the voice-activated recorders.