My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-13-2013, 07:26 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her.

After my STBXW's EA was open, DDay 4 Aug. I started doing self-introspection. As any human, Iím not perfect and Iím working on plugging whatever gap I can plug. TAM members were very supportive and they gave me excellent response. Iíve send my TAM links to my STBXW so that she can understand my view.

After reading my links and TAM members response, by STBXW has been working very hard in changing herself. She has two behaviors, one is very mature woman and another is teenager-like behavior.

Itís this teenager in her which caused her to drift but now she took the excellent initiative of relocating kids to a very good school system. She is closely monitoring kids performance and their behavior. Just wants to make sure kids donít make the mistake what she did.

She is working on improving her hobbies but don't know which hobby will work best for her. She is trying to be appreciative of others especially me for what I've done for the family. She is withstanding my triggers which sometimes I canít stop

We both are also discussing each others negative/positive qualities and trying to be as open as possible.

As a BS, I would like to support her during this critical hours. She is now in a different life-journey. Being myself in pain, I donít know how I can be helpful to her. Any help?
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Old 01-13-2013, 08:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

IMHO, this is a journey that your STBXW should take alone. And if she then chooses to come back to you after she has improved considerably, you have the choice to take her back or not. You should start taking care of you.
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Old 01-13-2013, 08:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

Well...positives and negatives.

First, you sent her here.

So she can read what she needs to do...whether she is actually remorseful or not. She now has 'the penitent wife' script and you have corrupted your source of advice outside of her influence.

TAM is also a rough crowd. They call it tough love but some folks...they forget that second word. Occasionally I'm sure I'm just as guilty so there will be a lot of grief she will read. You too. Bear that in mind and keep some salt handy.

Those are the negatives.

Positively, she needs to work on boundaries. This is a good place to learn them.

For example, my wife got a new (male) supervisor. She told me instantly. I mentioned to her that she shouldn't lunch with him alone or attend any 'work' meetings which don't include the other shop personel.

She thought it odd, but I mentioned that while SHE might be as pure as the driven snow, HE might read it the wrong way and make her uncomfortable.

I could also ask about him regularly so she knows she's actually responsible to someone.

I, btw, was the EA wayward and I learned this through harsh experience. EA's always START with friendship.

So she needs to drop ALL her male friends. Period. Even the old guy. Even the gay guy. Yup. She needs girl friends or COUPLE friends, that's it.
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Old 01-13-2013, 08:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

I can only offer a little help here. My EX who was a WW never got to the point of trying to make herself better. I told her when she was walking out of the house that I didn't want to be friends, have a chat, talk to her etc... She thought I was being mean. Like destroying what I thought was my life on DDay was a sweet thing.

Like you I did my own personal journey. I sat down and did my introspection and worked/work on my gaps as well. She needs to do hers. It is actually great she is doing it. Her journey depends on how she truly wants to go through it. You may help her and point out what you did, but your involvement depends on how close you want to be to her. It is a walk she has to take. She may be trying to get back close to you because she saw you take your journey. Make sure she is doing what she is doing for honest reasons and not trying to manipulate you.

I wish you both well.
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Old 01-13-2013, 08:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

John2012 - best of luck. Hope your stbxw puts in the required work and that you continue to work on the gaps yourself.

Hope it works out for you.
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Old 01-13-2013, 11:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

Quote:
Originally Posted by BjornFree View Post
IMHO, this is a journey that your STBXW should take alone. And if she then chooses to come back to you after she has improved considerably, you have the choice to take her back or not. You should start taking care of you.


You'll forever be attached to her because of the kids. However, you need to disconnect from her UNLESS you're really holding out hope for a reconciliation.
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Old 01-13-2013, 11:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

It's a slight T/J
Quote:
Originally Posted by JCD View Post
First, you sent her here.
So she can read what she needs to do...whether she is actually remorseful or not. She now has 'the penitent wife' script and you have corrupted your source of advice outside of her influence.
I all depends. She can genuinely take the advice, empathice with BSs pain, use it to face them mirror and change... she can also fake.
Thing is she can do the same going to another website (unaware OP is doing the same), she can do the same by reading books, she can fake at IC, MC... What is actually the "Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse..." manual (even it uses that word) posted here? It was written by a BW because her "emotionaly unaware" WH didn't get it. He posted it in another website years ago and now it's all over internet.
There's a "wiki article" which basically is the same, affairs websites, MCs have their own "tips" and secret formulas to recover from affairs. That short book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"...

You can used them to put yourself in the right frame of mind as a good start to self reflexion or simply to fake.
We are prone to self delusion, all of us. We can be genuine too. Facing the mirror is hard for every one. Most times it doesn't happen overnight. It takes continued self realizations and then modification of behavior.
End of T/J.
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Old 01-13-2013, 11:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

Yes you can help but not at the cost of you helping yourself. You need to get yourself together. Make sure what you want, Deal from strenght. What I mean by this is that you have options and do things because of what rather than out of need.

John make yourself a priority and you will get the love you deserve.
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Old 01-13-2013, 12:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

Quote:
That short book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"...
I wish my wife had read this book, all those years ago.
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

Quote:
Originally Posted by BjornFree View Post
IMHO, this is a journey that your STBXW should take alone. And if she then chooses to come back to you after she has improved considerably, you have the choice to take her back or not. You should start taking care of you.
I agree with this. If the marriage is over she's going to have to learn how to address her issues on her own without you. It might do more harm than good, or even slow down any potential progress, with you in the picture as the support role.
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

Quote:
Originally Posted by JCD View Post
Well...positives and negatives.

First, you sent her here.

So she can read what she needs to do...whether she is actually remorseful or not. She now has 'the penitent wife' script and you have corrupted your source of advice outside of her influence.

TAM is also a rough crowd. They call it tough love but some folks...they forget that second word. Occasionally I'm sure I'm just as guilty so there will be a lot of grief she will read. You too. Bear that in mind and keep some salt handy.

Those are the negatives.

Positively, she needs to work on boundaries. This is a good place to learn them.

For example, my wife got a new (male) supervisor. She told me instantly. I mentioned to her that she shouldn't lunch with him alone or attend any 'work' meetings which don't include the other shop personel.

She thought it odd, but I mentioned that while SHE might be as pure as the driven snow, HE might read it the wrong way and make her uncomfortable.

I could also ask about him regularly so she knows she's actually responsible to someone.

I, btw, was the EA wayward and I learned this through harsh experience. EA's always START with friendship.

So she needs to drop ALL her male friends. Period. Even the old guy. Even the gay guy. Yup. She needs girl friends or COUPLE friends, that's it.
I think she can keep the gay guy. He doesn't want her.
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Old 01-16-2013, 09:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

The best support you can give her in her personal growth is to let her go completely so that she knows in the future that she can't behave so selfishly.

Tough love is what she needs.
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Old 01-16-2013, 10:58 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My STBXW would like to change for better and as a BS, I would like to support her

Bettering herself is nobody's responsibility but hers. The best thing you can do is keep your distance and move forward.
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