Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Another statistic

60K views 238 replies 64 participants last post by  happyman64 
#1 · (Edited)
I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
 
See less See more
#5 ·
While I don't condone executing our own vengeance, that particular sentiment must be temporarily curbed because something much more important confronts us right now:

The wife needs to know. Please, please tell her. Now.
 
#6 ·
I never saw a question in all of that??? However, I can comment that I wish you the best of luck with R, and its sounds like you are happy with her new behavior as the communication lines have opened up beyond what they have ever been in your marriage. Communication is the key to all successful relationships!

Having said that, yes communicate with his wife that he has betrayed her again, do your part of the healing process for them, you owe him that.
 
#9 ·
Yep, if you do reconcile, your wife needs to have consequences as well. If the guy works with her, she has to quit her job or transfer. If they met when she was out on a girls night out (GNO), then no more GNOs. If it started over Facebook, then she needs to give you access to her Facebook account, email account, etc (she should do that anyway). Etc, etc.
 
#10 ·
.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing
You had a consequence for your part of a failing marriage.

But like a thief who risks jail & gets caught - yet avoids jail/fines, your wife has not seen any consequence for either (1) her part of the failing marriage or (2) her part in the affair - regardless of who initiated the affair.

I'm not advocating you make her "suffer a consequence", I just want you to process your thoughts clearly. So if 'risking divorce' was a consequence for her, it's the same as saying "risking prison" is the consequence for commiting crimes. The "risk" is not a consequence at all.

Be that as it may, TELL HER.
 
#14 ·
Leo She has the right to know so she can make an informed decision as to stay or go. More important AP's do not go away on there own. At some point he would come looking for your wife again. It is called fishing. When you expose the A to sunlight any fog left will just disapate. The POS OM's W will rag his ass hard causing him pain. It will also reinforce the stay away from my wife as well

Your wife will get angry with you when you expose. That is because she was at least for 6 months hiding the A and protecting herself and him. She will go back to that mode for a short term.

It is best for you to expose and stomp out the last of the embers from both parties
 
#15 · (Edited)
I think you want accountability. But indeed you have every right for revenge as a predator has helped kill your marriage as it was. If you reconsile it will be a different marriage. You have lost the old one forever. He basically poached your wife.

But beyond you holding him accountable his wife needs to know.

This does not mean you cannot hold your wife accountable, but you are trying to R with her and not him.

Expose the affair. This is also part of the consequences for your wife. Otherwise the OM is still lurking unscathed.

But you cannot rug sweep this. You are not to blame. Do not let her use her sexual activities manipulate you so you will meet her needs. Remember an affair partner does not heavy lifting. It is a fantasy. They only have to meet a few needs and many of those are just about brain chemicals and a real fantasy.

Do His Needs Her Needs together. But do not accept that you pushed your wife into an affair. That is blame shifting if she does this. You can be a near perfect husband and still have a wife that cake eats.
 
#18 ·
No, your wife cheating was not the consequence of your failure in the marriage. A bad marriage is the consequence of your failings in the relationship. The cheating was a whole additional choice she made.

She could have chosen to talk to you. She could have told you she was not happy because of XYZ. She could have simply filed for divorce without saying anything at all. She could have suffered in silence and you both could have bumped along in a cruddy marriage.

Those are all consequences you would have deserved from being a poor partner. (I say that knowing I was a poor partner myself).

So don't beat yourself up thinking you somehow "deserve" the pain from her infidelity. You did not earn that. The pain is her special gift to you by her bad choices.
 
#20 ·
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
Do not accept any blame for why she cheated. She did not cheat because of you not meeting her emotional needs. If you read other threads on this and other boards you will she that all cheaters use that excuse for their cheating. This is called blame shifting. No one is perfect, yet cheaters will hold their spouses to a standard of perfection that they do not hold to themselves because they want an excuse to cheat. If she really was unhappy she needed to talk to you and give you a fair chance. The very fact that you are so willing to accept blame and try harder to be a better spouse, proves that this excuse is not true because it shows that communication with you instead of cheating would have worked. You are both 50%-50% to blame for problems in your marriage. She as the cheater is 100% to blame for her cheating.

I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Wow you just found out, accepted false blame, and are ready to reconcile. Your wife is thinking that this is too easy. That she can do it again or continue the affair in a few months and that you will not leave her even if she gets caught again. She is thinking that next time she will work smarter at hiding it from you. Even if you want to reconcile, do not let her know this right now. Make her earn it by showing true remorse and by her actions. Also, for starters, demand full transparency, which includes knowing of all accounts and passwords.

Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost.
Although it makes you feel better, he is not some kind of special predator. He is just a normal man trolling for sex and your wife willingly took the bait. If not him it would have been another guy for reasons that you will never know if you accept this predator theory as fact.
 
#26 · (Edited)
Wow you just found out, accepted false blame, and are ready to reconcile. Your wife is thinking that this is too easy. That she can do it again or continue the affair in a few months and that you will not leave her even if she gets caught again. She is thinking that next time she will work smarter at hiding it from you. Even if you want to reconcile, do not let her know this right now. Make her earn it by showing true remorse and by her actions. Also, for starters, demand full transparency, which includes knowing of all accounts and passwords.
I dont feel as if I am accepting blame for her cheating but I am surely accepting blame for my short comings as a husband. It is just a terrible shame and totally gut wrenching she made the choice she did and the way she did it. I am beginning to understand that forgiveness may be possible but I certainly will never forget. I have a list of things she must do in order to regain my trust. Those things must be agreed upon before I can completely begin working on giving her the non-material things that I know I am capable of giving! Hopefully the marriage counseler will put things in perspective for both us. We clearly have two issues. One being our failed marriage for which we each own 50% and the second her infidelity for which she owns 100%. I feel she may see things slightly different though but thats probably expected in cases such as these. Time will tell.
 
#21 ·
The guy that went after my wife was clearly a preditor. She still clearly had a choice. She made the wrong one.

There are tons of these guys out there. If the women they chased didn't go along with it they'd have no luck. He's only the OM because she agreed to it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: TRy
#22 ·
Tell her. She deserves to know.

The times I did, she was so thankful (even though it didn't stop them either).

Also, if you want any chance at reconciliation, it is best to expose. So many here have gone down the path of trying to let it slide, only to find out that the behavior repeats itself (myself included). If there are not consequences, then the pleasure of the affair outweighs the need to "do right" when they start sliding backwards again. If the consequences are so bad, they will think twice about it. Or at least they might.

You don't want to be the one who looks back at this 1, 2, 3 years from now and says "I could have saved myself a lot of pain, by listening to everyone". And we are a special everyone. We are not the ones who have never been through this saying "kick that B*tch to the curb", no, we are the battle hardened through this same process telling you "If you want to save this marriage, this is what you must do". If you want to divorce, then do whatever you want...
 
#23 ·
I'm one voice here that always advocates for telling the AP's spouse, not just because it helps kill the affair or achieve revenge or otherwise support reconciliation.

I believe you must tell the OMW because is is the decent thing to do.

She has every right in the world to have all the information out there about her own personal life. If her H is the dog, repeat offender that you imply, she may well just be adding this info to the stack, but you will have done your duty as a decent, moral, honest human being.
 
#24 ·
Don't let BW make life altering decisions (as not getting her health cheched out, getting pregnant, signing a mortage...) with all the real info of what's going on in her life. She's also a victim, let her decide.

Sorry you had to be here. Start reading more threads, the stikies. I encourage you (both) to read Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.
Then go to marriage builders to read about emotional needs and love busters. Make a plan to rebuild the marriage. Read here to help your self heal from this betrayal.
 
#25 ·
Tell the OMW.

Make damb sure your old lady learns the tools to affair proof the marriage before you deside to take her back.

As you learn the tools to be a better husband your chick has the same responceablity to prevent this sh1t from happening again.

Having been there, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I mean if I can do the heavy lifting to stop slapping my old lady around, she can do the same to stop sleeping around, and if she can't then she knows were the phucking door is, so don't let it hit her in the @ss on the way out.

My point is, its so easy to take the rap for being a crappy husband, but in the end she had a choice...leave my butt or betray me...well both our chick made the choice to decieve us and that just doesn't cut it when we are doing the work to better our selfs and they just try to justify there own deciet.
 
#27 ·
I told my wife's A partner. She was very cautious on the phone with me. When I contacted her again, she replied to my email with "lose my email, don't ever contact me again.....ever!"
Either her and her husband did their healing and moved on, or he lied his way out of it. Either way, I let it go and moved on to focus on my marriage. While I wish for revenge like many others, something I remind myself is that "when you dig a grave for someone else, dig one for yourself as well". Reminding myself of this, causes me to move in a different direction, rather than seek revenge. God will take care of him in whatever way is appropriate. I don't need to help.
 
#28 · (Edited)
Thank you for all of the advice. I have not made any final decision on telling the spouse due to mistakes I believe I made in the first 24-48 hours after I found out about my wife's infidelity. I think I would rather concentrate on any potential reconciliation then revenge or "justice" as some of you have stated. I think I will use the post to spill some of my thoughts in between as they are theraputic in a way. We have our first marriage counseling session tomorrow. She has agreed to attempt to reconcile. She has apologized in a sincere manner even taking responsibility for the affair. Acknowleding she should have "shaken" me until I understood what she was lacking instead of acting out the way she chose. I believe she wants to reconcile. I have concerns that she truly understands what it will take.

I never thought I would be in this position as one of the traits I thought I loved most about my wife was her "dedication and loyalty". What a fool I was. No one is ever safe. The 6 month affair was so emotional in her eyes and took place in such a deceitful and premeditated way through that period it makes me want to throw-up everytime I think about it. How was she capable of the utter disrespect for me as a human being much less her husband? The multiple "meetings" with her affair partner she fit in between her part time work and her responsibilities as a mother all the while I was working 50 hours a week to pay the bills and renovating our kitchen through the months of Sept., Oct and Nov. on weekends. Doing what I thought was my duty as the head of household. Providing the nicest "things" I could afford for my family. Putting the infidelity aside, that is certainly the main underlying issue related to our marriage. Those "things" are not what she wanted at all. She wanted simple non-material things that I woefully understimated as important. Those simple non-material things are painfully apparent now and I am ashamed of myself of how easy it probably was to avoid this acting out she chose. I am turning into a spiritual being I guess you would say. Things are not so black and white these past few days. There are other forces and energy here that will help me get through this I feel. However, no matter what...the path she chose is NOT my fault!

Again, I am comfortable the affair was over before I found out. She has indicated he was the one who ended it "to work things about between himself and his wife". What if I never found out? She was so emotionally connected to this guy from what I can tell. The funny thing is when I first found out I stated I was going to his house and after I left the room she warned him via text. She also has texted him on about something else I found on the internet that clearly indicates it was common knowledge in the community that this man had cheated on his wife before. I am not surprised about this 2nd text. What I found makes her think about how important she really was to this serial adulterer. The contact and connection is still there as I type. Gut wrenching. Does she really get it? I cant trust her anymore. Maybe some day. Certainly not even close yet.

I started to tell her the things that I would need to begin to regain trust and she almost acted surprised at some requests. As if "oh yeah"...there are consequences for what I have done If I make the choice to attempt to reconcile with my husband.
She cant volunteer (as she has had for the pase 8 yrs) at the place she had originally met this man, she cant be a part of the other volunteer organization if he was going to be there, she couldnt play in that unisex softball league if he was going to be there, his number has to be deleted, the men who send her porographic texts on facebook (yes I found those too) have to "de-friended". Full transparancy which I have no problem with must be undertaken. I have nothing to hide. Is she ready for this? Does she get it? Does she really want to? She will have trouble living by "rules" and "lists". What choice do I have? Trust her not to do that anymore? Please. Based on what I have read on the subject, I seriously doubt the marriage counseler will not basically state the same exact things related to complete closure with the affair partner. Trust is earned and we must become "affair proof". After we are "affair proof", I begin my diligent effort on the non-material things she so desires. As a matter of fact I have already started that to a certain extent.
I still love this woman somehow.....we begin our process tomorrow....
 
#31 ·
This, and comparing notes, because you may think you have the whole story, especially when it ended - but there may be something the other man's wife has to say about that.

I don't agree with the vengeance motivation. Getting to the bottom of things, and the other spouse's right to know are more the right motivations, and we have to weigh this against the negatives, like if he is mob-connected and generally kills people that look at him the wrong way.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top