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Another statistic

60K views 238 replies 64 participants last post by  happyman64 
#1 · (Edited)
I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
 
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#30 ·
leo,

You seem to be one of the few spouses here on TAM right now that gets it. If you do decide to try to R I have no doubt that you will make sure its done the right way to have a successful marriage going forward. It remains to be seen if your wife has half the courage and intestinal fortitude that you appear to have.

Good luck
 
#34 ·
Building trust again...moments such as this....she was at work today...dropped our daughter off at daycare around noon...did she go straight to work from there?...this is the type of schedule that allowed her to meet with this man.....I asked for a picture of her work schedule like she has provided in the past....she said I will once "I switch some things around".....did she say that because she needed to switch things around to attend our first counseling session tomorrow?...I like to think so and would have thought nothing about it just a few short weeks ago....this is now my life....
 
#36 ·
If this is the case, if this is how she is making you feel, then why the hell are you reconciling? If you file for divorce and show that you will follow through with it, you are the one in control of this situation. It shows that you are serious about the hurt she caused you and your not going to take any crap. Once she realizes you mean it, her attitude will change. Whether you realize it or not, you are her Plan B, it's the only reason she is still with you. Be serious, be mean, go apesh1t, file, expose. I think on your current path you're doomed. This is going to happen again.
 
#35 ·
leo I would not look at exposure as Justice or Revenge. It is a real aid in R. There is a playbook for cheating of course there are exceptions but I would not count on you being on of them.

Either your wife or that POS will try to contact again. It may be months but it will happen. The exposure is to make sure that A. Someone is riding his A about staying clean and B letting your wife know that you are not a doormat and you will not toleate any BS.

Taking the high ride is what I did and it just kicked my ass. Do not be the nice guy. You also have to remember you love the image of your wife prior to the A. She is not the same woman and you need to work with the one you have know not the one you had.

My wife was not fully invested in the R unitl she knew I was not someone that was going to take any BS.
 
#44 ·
The drug analogy rings true in my mind.....in my case it appears the drug dealer (the other man) had decided to stop supplying the drug (affection, affirmation, perceived emotional connection etc.) to my wife. He has moved on to "work things out with his wife". How long before he decides he no longer wants to "work things out" and is ready to supply the "drug" again to my wife? I truly believe this will happen. Especially since there has been no consequences for this man. The question is when will it happen and where will my wife be mentally in any reconciliation process we undertake?
The first text...my wife ignores...the second text she says "dont contact me anymore"...the 3rd text where he reminds her of what they use to "have"....she slightly waivers...the 4th text...."It will be ok if I meet him one final time to provide final closure to this issue.....I am a different person now".....they meet and he lays on hard the memories and details of their "connection" like the predator he is......."you know we are soul mates...your my angel...don't you remember the things you said to me about your husband???....he cant change."......she gives in...........there is only one way to possibly prevent this....complete transparency with all other aspects of her daily life that could lead to this type of situation......complete closure with this man.....complete total dedication to the process of reconciliation....belief on her part that her husband has the potential to fill this void better than any other man.......I can forgive perhaps but I need a fair shot.
 
#56 ·
He has moved on to "work things out with his wife".
C'mon man, read that statement and apply what you do know. Stop being phucking niave Leo.

That statement translated into the reality says... "I have another fledgling affair / target im shifting my focus to, I'll circle back later. In the meantime, here's a line to keep my good guy / fantasy soulmate image intact"

For god's sake.
 
#46 · (Edited)
I have confirmed she has not deleted this man's contact information...why?...she has "no concrete reason"....isnt it a reason enough that she carried on a 6 month affair with this man and she cant just "be friends" with him and be married to me at the same time?....."He was my friend first".....as this makes it ok???.....but what about the fact she indicated he searched the files of the place she volunteered at for her phone number (predator)...he called her....she even said she questioned the ethics of that....he handed her his number and said "call me"....that is a man in pursuit of a woman for sex.....thats not "he was my friend first"....this doesnt add up...the story is now slightly twisted.....she is not committed yet to a true reconciliation....she still has feelings for this man on some level....it only makes sense....it wasnt that long ago.....will I have a fair shot at this reconciliation?......as of right now I do not.....she is naive to think I will just trust her again because she has promised not to do it again......why doesnt she want to go above and beyond for me..for us??.....she says I am like Jekyll and Hyde.....the truth is I feel much more fear than anger..........deep deep fear.
 
#79 ·
SERIOUSLY!!! Exposure.... it has to happen. I did not take the advice of those here when I should have. It took me months to expose and I could have saved myself by just exposing sooner. Even my chaplain told me to call the POSOW family (she was divorced but her mother was in contact with my H)
EXPOSE!!!!
 
#47 ·
She is too much in control of this situation. If she wants the M, she has to stop all contact and become completely transparent to you.

In my opinion, you have assumed way too much responsibility for the problems here. You also sound like you are excusing her cheating - he's a predator, she gives in, etc.

She's a grown woman who absolutely knows what she is doing. If you read some of the stomach-twisting cr*p written by people on cheaters' sites, you'll see how planned and cold some of this really is. They talk about laying low for a few months after a clueless spouse has found out & then restarting the A once the heat is off. The AP's are in touch and plan this.

Don't assume that your W is being hopelessly, naively drawn in by this guy.

If it were me, I would file for D to at the very least concentrate her mind. If she's too far gone, then you have to do it anyway.
 
#50 ·
A couple of pages back I said that I thought you got it. Was I wrong? Why are you letting her control things? It is inexcusable that she has any piece of him in her life. You should wash out her mouth just for daring to utter his name. If you believe she has absolutely no control over her behavior then why are you married to her. Is she a child? If so, have her committed and file for divorce. If she is an adult and worthy of being married to you then hold her accountable for her actions and make her face the consequences like an adult. Anything less and you have absolutely no integrity and don't deserve to be married either.
 
#52 ·
"To save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it."


She is not going to just come around on her own, you have to motivate her to want to end the A and work on the M. You are right, as long as she has feelings for the OM (which she does) you have no M.

Tell her the M is over and she needs to start looking for a place to stay. You basically have to almost be a jerk to her now to show her you are not putting up with her crap and to take back control. YOU make the decisions now, not her. Waiting for her to come around is over, end the nonsense by ending the M. IF she is going to wake up and come to her senses it will be from you taking a stand and showing her the door.

She will hate it at first but by god(s) she will start to respect you for it.
 
#54 ·
"To save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it."


She is not going to just come around on her own, you have to motivate her to want to end the A and work on the M. You are right, as long as she has feelings for the OM (which she does) you have no M.

Tell her the M is over and she needs to start looking for a place to stay. You basically have to almost be a jerk to her now to show her you are not putting up with her crap and to take back control. YOU make the decisions now, not her. Waiting for her to come around is over, end the nonsense by ending the M. IF she is going to wake up and come to her senses it will be from you taking a stand and showing her the door.

She will hate it at first but by god(s) she will start to respect you for it.
Science has already confirmed chicks dig jerks.
 
#53 ·
Originally Posted by marduk
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.
 
#55 ·
Leo, you are being played. She is not into this reconciliation at all. I think that unlike most betrayed spouses that come to these boards, it's you that are living in a fantasy world and it's her that sees reality.

You fantasize that she wants to be only with you.
She realizes that you are going to let her do "her thing" as long as she "says" the right things and nods her head in agreement as she walks out the back door.

Wake up man.
 
#57 ·
I just re-read my statement above.. I hope you understood what I meant...

You want to hunt a predator, you would be wise to start thinking like one.

Her AP is feeding her this "working out w/ wife" story when a much more realistic scenario is that he's got another fish on the hook but doesnt want to lose your wife as a backup. That or your wife started getting too risky and a bit to attached and he's managing her. Cooling her jets.

Sounds like you and her are both someone's plan B.

This is a messy situation your in and you don't have the luxury staying in this smog. You better take off the gloves and play hardball before it's too late. They aren't playing fair, and your going to keep getting owned if you don't snap outta this.
 
#58 ·
Thank you again for your comments however I believe my wife IS "into" this reconciliation. She has deleted this man's contact information on her own accord and has deleted the other perverted past "friends" on her FB account. Yes I have witnessed this in person. That is an important first step in "affair proofing" our marriage moving forward and hopefully someday regaining my trust. Unfortunately, I also adamantly believe as I have said in previous posts her affair partner WILL reach out to her again in an attempt to rekindle what they had. He will eventually want my beautiful wife for the sexual gratification he received because he will once again get sick of looking at his wife and living his life. As one of you eluded to he will attempt to drop a few texts in an attempt to remind her of his "good guy/fantasy soul-mate" image so that it remains intact. It may not be today, tomorrow or next week but it WILL happen and the only thing I can hope for is my wife has learned from her terrible mistake and will tell me immediately that it occurred like she has committed to do. In addition when attempt to contact happens, although the affair was never my fault, I have begun to fulfill her emotional needs so that her subconscious desire to act out in this chosen manner is no longer there.
Some of you again will say I am naive to a certain extent, or I am "taking blame" for what has occured. There is much more to this story than I care to type or reveal in certain instances. Moving forward in this manner is the best decision for me and is what I want to do.
No matter what happens I will have to live the rest of my life with the fact the mother of my child was capable of this. She inturn will have to live the rest her life with the decisions she made and I hope that she looks back at the act with utter disgust and embarrassment. Time will tell....Synchronicity.
 
#62 ·
No matter how much she goes out of her way to let me know what she is doing, where she is and whom she is with our lives inherently provide ample opportunity to live a second one. I could be laying in a bed right now next to another woman typing this reply and my wife would never know. She could be in the parking garage adjacent to her place of work in the back seat of an SUV with tinted windows continuing her affair. I would never know. An analogy in my terms would be...no matter how much security you install in a building if someone truly wants to break in they will find a way. In this case if the desire is there than you really cant stop it. The only hope (yes I said hope) is that there is no longer a desire and that which has occurred is an abberration. Perhaps a new life is reborn rising from the ashes of the old one of which we both played a part.
If that doesnt occur...look at this way...all of you have a great thread to use as an example for future men/woman who find there way to this forum.
 
#63 ·
Leo exposing the affair is not revenge. It is a defensive measure to show the OM that there are toxic to him consequences for cheating with a married woman. It proves to him that further contact with your wife is not a good idea, not at all.

Put him on cheaterville.com. , exposé to his wife.

Your wife is paying you btw, and she's still primed for another affair. For your part, she's eventually doing things lik deleting the contact for her lover and you are taking that as a bug victory, while passively hoping for her to do more.

She's git all the control and you are pursuing a strategy of hope.

Hope isn't a strategy.
 
#64 ·
Leo,
I truly wish you the very best. May your wife enrich your life, may you dwell in happiness, and may your troubles be few.

But Leo, your messages have the ring of depression. Have you seen your doctor? Does he know the emotional turmoil you've been through? Give it a thought. Take care of you first.
 
#66 ·
Wow..thank you (in most cases)...I know most of you sincerely want to help....thats why I started this thread...but again...I cant type every thought, feeling, reaction, mood, explain all pre-existing conditions and events, failures successes etc. before, after and throughout the attempt at reconciliation.
The truth is:
1 - I know I had nothing to do with her infidelity. She was high on the drug that was fed her, developed feelings and made a choice.
2 - I know she owns 50% of a broken marriage.
3 - I know I cant trust my wife right now.
4 - I do know its way too soon to forgive.
5 - I know that I now have to live with the fact she could easily do it again.
6 - I know that her affair partner walks these streets with no consequences for pursuing a married woman.
7 - I know that as it relates to the infidelity she should be doing everything in her power to "win me back" and show me she can be trusted again at the same time acknowledge failure in the 50% of our marriage she owns.
8 - I know that I was emotionally removed from her for many many years and I have to try to provide the things I didnt and do everything in my power to show that I acknowledge failure in the 50% of our marriage that I own.
9 - I know that I so desire a meaningful relationship with her at an emotional level.
10 - I know we have a young daughter for which we both owe an attempt at reconcilation if we both feel there is something there to reconcile.
11 - I know we have a LONG road ahead of us with odds that are NOT in our favor.
12 - I know I will never be the same person again and nor will she.
 
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