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Another statistic

60K views 238 replies 64 participants last post by  happyman64 
#1 · (Edited)
I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
 
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#67 ·
I dispise being cold and aggressively blunt with people that are hurting so badly. Most of us absolutely hate it. Ive been where you are, i feel for you. Genuinely.

But this deja vu, groundhog day spew is even more frustrating. Your marraige has a chance, but passive isn't going to fix this Leo, its great you can wax poetic and get zen about the trials of life, love and the big picture... But, Im sorry dude It wont help you. At least not for long. Your marriage is in crisis and needs an action hero. Not the chanting buhda.

Here's an exercise for you.

Start by telling your wife that since this is a new start you want to clear the whole slate... and you haven't been perfect. Ask her if she would want to know if you had an affair too.? When she says yes. Say that you agree, You are a family, she is your wife. she would deserve to know. and that you haven't. but you think the two of you should tell OM's W. She's a person, a wife, a mother and she deserves to know.

See what happens.

I've said my piece brother. Honestly, I hope things work out.

Good luck.
 
#69 ·
It really bleeping hurts when you drive home and go by the location where your wife met with her affair partner countless times over a 6 month period. I was so bleeping clueless doing god knows what each time she was in the back of his SUV giving what he wanted in return for the bullXXXX perceived "emotional connection". She was so deceitful the gag reflex kicks in once again as I drive by but have to keep my composure since my daughter is in the backseat. I wonder who his new married victim will be this summer? Part of me wants to tell his wife not for her but for the next husband whose wife will end up giving into this XXXhole predator.
This is what is going through my mind.
 
#70 ·
It really bleeping hurts when you drive home and go by the location where your wife met with her affair partner countless times over a 6 month period. I was so bleeping clueless doing god knows what each time she was in the back of his SUV giving what he wanted in return for the bullXXXX perceived "emotional connection". She was so deceitful the gag reflex kicks in once again as I drive by but have to keep my composure since my daughter is in the backseat. I wonder who his new married victim will be this summer? Part of me wants to tell his wife not for her but for the next husband whose wife will end up giving into this XXXhole predator.
This is what is going through my mind.
He will have to find a willing wife.


Like yours
 
#77 ·
I had some bad moments during the day Saturday, didnt think about it much on Sunday or during the day yesterday but last night the rush of pain and physical nausea set in again. I didnt sleep much. Im sure I will continue to repeat my thoughts on some of my replies but I cant help it as many of the initial thoughts persist and I am sure they will for a very long time. Deceitful, dishonarable to me and her daughter, selfishness, cowardeness come to mind as adjectives to describe her while she carried out this affair behind my back. I even had a dream that I suspected something during the affair and drove to their meeting location and caught them in the act. Where would we be if something like that happened I wonder? I know so many details that the vision of their acts together is sickening at times. Yet at other times they seem to not be prevelent. Healing? Even with all these thoughts I still somehow love this woman very deeply. WTF is wrong with me? Our 2nd counseling session is tomorrow the process of potential reconcilation continues. One day at a time.
 
#84 ·
Through another thread I found and read the "Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse..." PDF file. I was utterly amazed on how much of that 12 page document mirrored my thoughts and feelings over the last few weeks. I felt a sense of comfort and justification related to my thoughts and feelings as the one who was betrayed. I wish my wife had taken the time to seek this information out herself instead of me having to send it to her (which I did yesterday). I assume she has read it at this point but I have not mentioned it. We had our second couseling session yesterday and as it relates to our marriage we are doing very well. I believe alot of this has to do with the fact I had made some life changing decisions and find a more meaningful connection with my wife PRIOR to finding out about the affair. What I am not dealing so well with is the reality of the affair. As the document indicates I am a ping pong ball "back and forth". I think I used the analogy of a "roller coaster ride" in previous replies. I certainly used this statement with my wife and the marriage counseler. A period of time I feel OK and confident we are on the path of full reconciliation and next I picture my wife doing what I know she did with this man countless times over a 6 month period. It is so sickening. I also picture the fact that she was wearing her wedding rings doing this and then coming home to kiss her unsuspecting husband. I feel as if I will have to buy new rings for her some day as crazy as that sounds. I guess there are many "triggers" in and around me I have to learn to avoid as part of the R.
Almost as frustrating is the fact that she still thinks I should trust her. Again, I am 100% positive that affair is over but some of the "secret life" she has led for so many years still exists. The foundation to betray me again is still somewhat in place. She IS providing some effort to letting me know where she is and when but she hasnt completely bought into the transparancy concept and probably hopes I will let it go because of her promises directly to me in private and in the presence of the counseler. She lost her privileges of trust from me a long time ago. Words mean little as it relates to this. Actions are everything.

I am having another bad moment. I guess I have to get used to it.
 
#85 ·
Leo, my last post to you was to "wish you well". I did this when you stated that you were okay with everything. But your last few posts made me change my mind.

This will offend you but here it is anyway:

You somehow feel that because HE broke it off, it's kinda bad, but not as bad as what most here say. My friend IT IS BAD. That's why YOU are the one scurrying around looking for resources and presenting them to her.

And you don't even know if she's reading them. The chances of her reading your resources are just as good as the chances of her staring at the page and occupying her mind with "what went wrong" with her affair partner. If you had blown up his little world she would be tightening her butt cheeks and hustling to find resources herself. But as it is, she still thinks of the affair as "kinda over - cause HE said it was - not because of YOU"

Good luck again Leo, I wish it was you that had cheated because you are doing all the work for what I can see.
 
#87 ·
Leo, keep in mind that not only are you dealing with the reality that she chose willingly in the past to cheat, but you also have to deal with the issue of her choosing again to cheat in the future.

I do not get the feeling from your posts that she is at all remorseful.

Remorse changes a person permanently. It changes them inside dramatically into a new person who will never make the horrible choices they made before.

I don't get this from your posts. What I get s you wife negotiating the terms and acts she must perform for you to agree to forget the whole thing and return to the good old status quo.

The status quo included her choosing to cheat, and having opportunity and secrecy to do it.

The last thing you want is to return to the status quo.
 
#89 ·
I had another bad afternoon yesterday and on into the evening. I was reading my wife's tweets from the time that the affair began. Correlating exactly what was going on in our lives at the same time she was having an affair with the predator (the name I prefer) is extremely painful. The summer beach vacation week in July where the affair had just begun, our daughters birthday in August...living such a godXXXX lie...I feel like 6 mos of my life was taken from me......what will those months be like here in 2013? So many "triggers" I will have to deal with.
I guess I am at the stage where I am coming to grips with "this really happened to me". I think up until yesterday perhaps I was still in a stage of "disbelief". I cant change it, she cant change it....I have to learn to manage the many "triggers" that are around me. I have to learn that our old marriage is dead and we have begun a new one. Looking at what is in history will not help me steer into a new future.
I am feeling slightly better this morning. Lets see how the day goes.
 
#90 ·
Adultery is tough to get over even when your cheater does everything you need and does it whole-heartedly.

I don't know how you get over it when they just want to rug-sweep it, think you should trust them immediately just because the affair has ended. If that's the case, it's like the cheater is not truly acknowledging the seriousness of what they've done.

Is this where your wife is right now? Thinks you should just trust her completely as if she's the same loyal wife you thought she was a year ago?
 
#91 ·
You pretty much hit it on the nail. Last nights conversation on the details and her passionate reaction gives me hope she does understand the long term devastation that has been caused by her actions. I so DONT want to re-visit the details anymore. I just really want to move on also.
 
#96 ·
Your sense of self-preservation tells you to do different things at different stages of your grief over your W's infidelity.

For now, it's generating fear in you. The fear tells you that you can preserve yourself by not rocking the boat & therefore not contacting the OMW.

Once this kneejerk fear response subsides, though, your more long-term sense of self-preservation will kick in & you will be here telling people that you definitely should have followed the advice you were given. It will be saying that you should have stood up for yourself and declared unequivocally that you won't let your W call the shots on a reconciliation. You will see in retrospect that calling the OMW now and standing tough with your W not only preserves your self-respect, but offers you the best chance of getting through this.

It takes tremendous self-discipline and courage, though, to get past the fear you feel. You have to be tough and do what now feels counterintuitive. It works, though.
 
#97 ·
Thank you everyone again on your opinions and thoughts.
My thoughts today are concentrating on the future. We have had alot of positive aspects in our R over the last few weeks. I have even felt a sense of satisifaction that our therapist has acknowledged with her present that my continual thoughts and questions about the affair are all part of healing from the infidelity. However, I am extremely concerned and nervous how the month's of July through early December 2013 will be. There will be so many triggers. There has even been the suggestion that I volunteer (along with my wife) at the same event at which she met this man originally (he will most certainly will be there) this coming summer. I assume a way of showing unity and that the affair is over and this man is nothing anymore. I really want to blow-up at this suggestion honestly. There is absolutely no way in hell that I would not have at least words with this man if I saw him today or tomorrow for instance. I dont know how I will feel this summer but my reaction now is I have NO desire to even hear the name of the event much less be involved or want my wife involved ever again. Why should I be put in this position? This might be the only thing that I cannot do in support of R. This should be understandable and should be put in the past as many other things are in support of the R and the new "us". I honestly hope its not even mentioned and the event passes us by.
Another significant thing mentally for me is it appears my wife has the sense that this man had a better chance of being a "predator" as I like to call him versus the "nice guy/soulmate" she believed he was during the affair. I have explained my thoughts of how guys operate in a more direct and graphic depiction and the therapist in a slightly more indirect depiction. I should know as I am a guy and there was a point in my life that I too would tell a girl anything she wanted to hear to be get a XXXXjob or end up in bed. Some of us guys "grow up" and get married and stop doing things like that. Some guys DONT "grow up" but get married, end up hating their lives/wives and continue to pursue other woman. Predators. Seek out the weakness in their prey and use it to their advantage to "consume" their victim. I do acknowledge in the case of us humans the prey must be willing and my wife certainly was. The "predator" description seems to have resonated with her. This of course is promising as it relates to complete closure and learning from her mistake.
I do have the fortunate circumstance to be alone with my wife for entire week starting Saturday out of the country. A significant event in the early stages of our R.
 
#103 ·
Your wife is a grown adult woman. Respect that fact!! You are enabling her behavior far too much. Maybe the view that she is manipulated by the OM makes it easier for you to reconcile but the truth is there to be seen and you need to accept it before you hope to reconcile with her. Else the pain will always be there eating you away from the inside. Remember, it was a long term affair(6 months), not a drunken one night stand and you had to catch her and you do not know the reasons why it actually ended.
 
#100 ·
As others have said you really need to tell the other man's wife (and have proof if you do). And don't tell your wife you are doing it either.
 
#101 ·
He's gone on vacation and is working hard to forget to tell the other man's wife.

And think hard about getting a new therapist. That event is a trigger for you. Who the HELL suggested you attend it? Was it your wife? Guess what? She gets to drop...whatever. Seriously? This takes any thought at all?
 
#102 ·
You've used the 'predator - prey' analogy. But don't dismiss the "Like-mined" mentality of affair partners. There's far more "like-minded" than prey among adults. The predator-prey analogy is very apt for teens or for feeble-minded folks.
 
#104 ·
Leo, I sure hope your wife does not cheat on you again but cheaters love cake eating and they can fall to easy temptation. Keep working hard because the path of R is never ending, its from here on out!


If you reconcile and live happily every after or so you think (I sure hope this doesn't happen to you) and when your wife cheats on you without you knowing, I sure HOPE that the OW's WIFE will discover this and CALL YOU AND EXPOSE TO YOU AND TELL YOU that her husband is screwing YOUR WIFE.
 
#105 ·
After all the analysis that Leo engages in and his attempts to ignore the "have you told OMW?" questions, I think he is afraid to contact OMW.

He knows his wife was planning a life with OM. Wanting OM to replace Leo more and more in her life.

He knows that OM broke it off. He knows that he (Leo) is now her Plan B and if OM had not ended it his situation would be a lot different.

He fears what will happen when OM tries to contact his wife again.

He will not expose to OMW because he fears that if he does so, OM will contact his wife, offer to commit 100% to her (which was what she wanted during the affair). Then his wife will be gone.

Leo - you cannot fully R while you have these feelings. You have to face your fears. You have to be willing to let your wife go if that is what she wants.

Stop acting or refusing to act out of fear. I know you say you are in MC but I think maybe you need some IC without your wife envolved.
 
#112 ·
Let me add something hopeful. I shouldn't just be taking pot shots.

My wife and I ran into a rough patch. I was becoming a boring fellow. If I were a girl, I wouldn't date me either. Being nice or witty or funny isn't enough for most girls. What can you do?

So one of the things I did was take up some martial arts and exercise. I was a confrontation-phobe like yourself.

Something clicked rather quickly. I came to the understanding that while I might not win a fight, no one was walking away unscathed. No one was going to 'own' me anymore.

Now...I'm not as 'nice' (read wimpy) a guy anymore. If I want something, I try and get it. I still have my fears and doubts and misgivings...but I can't let that potential pain rob me of a present or a future. This has given me a visible confidence.

I am not telling you to take up a martial art. I AM saying that being confident enough to deal with 'harsh words' will give you a confidence which will show.

You are a man. You work. You can take care of yourself (not for preference, but still). If she leaves: the sky will not fall. Water will still taste as sweet. Don't be stupid, but have your boundaries and take the moral, necessary actions to put this to rest.

Otherwise, like Dracula, this guy or someone else will rise out of the grave and make the village idiot suffer again. Don't be that idiot.
 
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#114 ·
Leo,
There are 8 pages of this thread stretching back to mid January. Everyone has said to contact the OMW. You seem to just want to analyze the situation over and over again. It's analysis paralysis. I've seen this in several other threads. What are you expecting us to do for you?

So, two suggestions: Tell the OMW. And for Pete's sake tell the volunteer organization where this happened. This man violated ethics by searching files to find your wife's number. Are you going to let him prey on other men's wives too? If so you're enabling him to do so. If I missed something I apologize.

I truly do wish you the best.
 
#115 ·
Leo,
There are 8 pages of this thread stretching back to mid January. Everyone has said to contact the OMW. You seem to just want to analyze the situation over and over again. It's analysis paralysis. I've seen this in several other threads. What are you expecting us to do for you?

So, two suggestions: Tell the OMW. And for Pete's sake tell the volunteer organization where this happened. This man violated ethics by searching files to find your wife's number. Are you going to let him prey on other men's wives too? If so you're enabling him to do so. If I missed something I apologize.

I truly do wish you the best.
:iagree:
 
#117 ·
There are now 3 accomplices in the affair. "The Predator" OM, "The More Then Willing Prey" Your Wife, and now "The Enabler" You.

As a betrayed spouse, why would you not tell the OMW the truth about the affair?????? If the roles where reversed, wouldn't you want the OMW to tell you the TRUTH if she found out first? Tell the OMW the TRUTH about her "Predator" husband and allow her to protect herself as she sees fit.

The "Predator" had your wife anyway he wanted, keeps his "Happy" marriage unscathed, and is allowed free reign to continue his ways with any other women willing to fall for his charms. Its ironic that the person to become his biggest ally is the husband of the wife he took. Expose the Man.

Affairs thrive in secrecy.
 
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