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Another statistic

60K views 238 replies 64 participants last post by  happyman64 
#1 · (Edited)
I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
 
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#121 ·
I think Leo is afraid/knows the affair will resume. When it does he wants to put the blame on his wife for not being strong enough to remain in the marriage. Of course, it will be true - it's her fault along with OM.

But he probably thinks that it will reflect on him if he tries to initiate those things that appear counter intuitive, and that he will be blamed for 'driving' her away with rules and edicts.
Is this it Leo?
 
#122 ·
Leo your getting great advice, there is really nothing for me to add but i do have a question.
Why will it be that easy for the OM to contact your wife?
Has she blocked him from Facebook?
Has she changed her phone number?
Maybe you should take her phone and text him and let him know that the number he has is for YOUR phone now and unless he wants to talk to you he should probably lose it.
Anyway, I hope you keep posting.

PS. Tell the OMW. Part of the foundation for R is killing the affair dead. Exposure to his spouse is part of this. The foundation you are attempting to build on is weak. This is part of why you are struggling so much.
 
#125 ·
To answer the lingering question...NO I have not told the other man's wife yet....I do have concern that there is no direct evidence from the other man to my wife...I have one email from my wife to him trying to set up a rendevous on one particular day for which he didnt reply (or he replied via Text etc.) and another email that my wife sent to him in which she copied a post she had made on a forum she belongs to about their relationship. Again he didnt reply or the reply was deleted. THIS particular email is the one that provides the most insight to my wife's perceived emotional attachment to this man. His email address is clear as day in both of these emails of course. I also have typed out a bullet point list explaining my knowledge of the affair details and addressed it to his wife by full name. My current plan is to attach the two (2) emails that I have to this bullet point list and hand deliver them in a sealed envelope to the other man's wife. I know exactly where she works and it should be fairly easy to deliver this envelope to her directly.
 
#136 ·
It is done.

It could not have gone more smoothly in my wildest dreams. I of course confirmed I had the right woman and then I suggested we meet in a conference room if it were available and she didnt hesitate. Almost as if she knew what was coming and was "prepared" for it to happen again to her. I handed her the envelope and she opened and read my facts about the affair and then reviewed the two emails. I pointed out certain things in the emails so she could understand them better. She was very calm through the approx. 10 minutes I sat there. There was a slight tremble and deep breath as she read certain things. The same from me of course as I explained certain things. The most prominent thing I said to her was that "I was sorry I had to do this but my wife is paying the consequences for what has occurred and now your husband should". She thanked me I think twice and showed no agression whatsoever. Again, almost like "im not surprised there were others".

My feelings now are not related to "revenge" but rather I feel a strong sense of closure and peace. If nothing else, I feel that I did the right thing by telling this woman so she can move on with her life making an educated decision about a future with this man.

This affair is now fully exposed to the people directly involved. The cards will now truly fall where they will.
 
#141 ·
The right thing to do. Who knows how many people that guy has sex with at any given period of time? His wife, and you (if you haven't already) and your wife should get tested for STD's. But his wife didn't know about the current risk that she faced, until you stepped up and did the right thing.
 
#142 ·
57 days since I first learned I had become another statistic. 57 days since I first learned my wife had it in her to bestow upon me the ultimate in humiliation and disrespect. I can hardly believe that I have come this far as I still love this woman dearly. My thoughts as of late and really since I told the OW have been less on the physical acts but more on the betrayal. That is still the gut wrenching part at times. I am married to a woman who was capable of this and is capable of doing it again. It has been really difficult constantly wondering if she is really telling the truth on where she is throughout the day. Although I do believe that she has been since I found out about the affair. Transparancy is becoming the motto in our lives and she attempts to constantly tell me where she is and what she is doing. The problem is as many of you know you cant control your wandering mind as the betrayed spouse. I think she must have some realization that even though she did what she did there have been very little consequences for her. She has kept her family. She has kept her husband who certainly is a changed man forever. Why do I feel like I have been an accomplice to the "rug sweeping" at times? We really are progressing pretty well in the R. It is so early.....yet I feel I am forgiving already? How could I? It certainly must say a bit about me as a person and that I am able to come to terms with the physical acts during the infidelity. I am perhaps making a choice I dont fully comprehend at times. A choice to heal and move on versus dwell on the past. No matter what, I feel that I will need to watch her like a hawk for a very long time.
 
#143 ·
You will have many moments of doubt. That's okay. You are wise to be wary but not to the point of paranoia. Continue with your MC. And schedule some IC for both of you. Keep your health up and concentrate on the positives. You can't be a parole officer forever.

You should also let the volunteer organization know of how the OM came to obtain your wife's contactvinformation. They have a right to know when their charitable work is being used as a hunting ground.
 
#144 ·
It's funny you say that. She obtained the information of the director to inform her how the OM contacted her originally. She said she felt it was the only way to prove her loyalty to me and not to him. I was taken aback a bit but was almost excited she said that. It is not done yet....I hope she does it.
 
#164 ·
She still hasnt done it yet to my knowledge......but I will give her the benefit of the doubt as she has been very busy through last week working...it certainly takes a clear mind to move forward with an action like that....there is also a strategic way to present it w/o completely looking like a scorned lover to the director of the event......we will see what happens this week since she is working very little...I sincerely hope she does it soon.
 
#146 ·
leo74,

Just bear in mind that you're still very early into the R process, not even 60 days out from DDay. You will be reaching the anger stage sooner or later, then comes the depression stage. It seems that you're just beginning to feel it when you wonder why you're with her and feel she has suffered little to no consequences while you suffered the devastation and agony of betrayal.

If she's truly remorseful, she will be empathetic to your feelings of anger and depression, remember that. R is NOT an easy path. If you begin to get the "get over it already" and avoidance of the issue from her, that will give you an indication of False R. She should be comforting you when you trigger, and you will trigger for a long time to come.

It takes on average between 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal of this magnitude. Its not easy, and its very difficult for anyone, including a WS to remain patient and remorseful constantly. Its not an easy process, thus the bumps along the way.
 
#147 · (Edited)
Thanks Lordmayhem for the response.

To all....why am I dreading seeing my wife's friends/family that know she cheated on me? My wife indicated today that her parents wanted to get together with us and our daughter as she nor our daughter has seen them in a while. I havent seen them since Christmas which of course is before "D" day as I guess we call it here on TAM. As soon as she told me that in our telephone conversation this morning I had the "puke in my mouth" feeling. She sensed the hesitation. She did show some empathy and we agreed to talk about it later as I didnt even expect that reaction in myself necessarily. I assume it has to do with a sense of weakness, shame, embarassment and humiliation that I feel for what she did to me. Again, this wasnt "I got drunk and kissed somebody....Im sorry I bleeped up" it was "Ive known a guy for 8 years and this past year I was an active participant in a 6 month deeply emotional and physical affair behind your back while you were working your ass off...providing a roof over our heads and food on the table." Both bad for a marriage but one much much worse obviously! Its like Im scared to see these people that know what I am trying to forgive?
 
#150 ·
This is family and family is intimate. Your marriage is intimate. Your W betrayed your intimacy. It's a worse feeling somehow to face the people closest to us, the people most intimate to us.

The thing is, Leo, your reaction is natural, but it's not right. You feel shame and humiliation, but nobody looks at YOU that way. They look at her as the one who has shamed and humiliated herself. It really isn't you they feel that way about. People respect you for standing up and they ratchet down their respect for her for how she cheapened herself and her marriage.
 
#153 ·
Leo, you shouldn't let what you perceive as your shortcomings as a husband be the larger issue here. The larger issue is she cheated. She had several choices before her, including communicating her displeasure with the marriage or you, and even separation and divorce. She chose to cheat. Whatever you did is not somehow worse than this. And whatever you did was not the cause of this. She owns it. Let her.
 
#154 ·
She did communicate displeasure periodically throughout the years. I did a terrible job of recognizing how important the things I wasnt giving her were as compared to what I thought I should be concentrating on as the "head of the household". Again, not an excuse for what she did to me by any means. I recognized that we didnt have a very good relationship for quite some time. I just somehow didnt realize it was in a state in her mind that she could act out in this way. Again, if you asked me a year ago about what I loved most about my wife I certainly would have replied with "Trustworthy and loyal" among other things. Comical now isnt it?
There may be something to the comment regarding a sense of anger toward her parents I must admit. However, I dont feel I hate them as I think all and all they are good people and have been nothing but nice to me since the day I met them. There are so many thoughts that resonate but no one thought that is of a higher percentage than the other for "why". The thought of no consequences for what she has done keeps popping up....but I acknowledge I dont know what "consequences" I would expect her to have? She stated one of her consequences is she has to look in the mirror each day at a person who betrayed her husband....I guess this is along the thought line that she "owns" what she did...I didnt ask for it. The other consequence is that she will never set foot at the volunteer event ever again regardless if the OM is there or not. This was something she truly loved to do and not just because of the OM this past year. That yearly volunteer event is a breeding ground for infidelity and I could never trust her there again. I certainly cant trust the other married men there. Do you believe she actually came home 2 summers ago from an after-party at the event and thanked me for being the husband that I was? She said something to the point that there were so many married men drinking and hitting on woman there and she knew I wouldnt do that. I thought I knew my wife. I was so confident in her being loyal to me. What a bleeping idiot huh? Anyway..I am getting off on a tangent again.
Maybe I get a little affraid that things are moving too fast and just hanging out with her parents and eventually some friends this soon make things look like they didnt happen when it was only about 60 days ago I was listing our assets for a mediation divorce. A willing accomplice in the "rug sweeping". I guess I need to get that term out of my head and change it to forgiving. I will be much better off.
 
#155 ·
You mentioned consequences, have you spanked her? I mean giving her a spanking and the degree of submission she offers her husband to do such a thing to her can help...it did in my case.

Sure this is thinking out side the box, and ya this may not be your thing, but sometimes just an old fashion/over the knee spanking can take the edge off...for both of you?

When I spanked my wife after confronting her about her affair's it showed me the degree of submission she was willing to go through to keep her marriage after the things she had done.

Granted we are wired alot different then most, but sometimes its that little twist that needs to take place to...not bring back what was, but bring in new things into the marriage.

Again one of many consequences she would need to face. Actually the spanking was alot easier to take then the lack of privacy and the accountablity my FWW now has to endoure to stay around.
 
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