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#1 · (Edited)
I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
 
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#161 ·
You need to build your self confidence back up, start here if you haven't already: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

And read this:

Originally Posted by marduk
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!


Sorry if this has already been mentioned, thread search did not turn up anything though that is not surprising. Let me know if you want it deleted.

Good luck
Chap
 
#167 ·
I had stopped home for lunch today because its on a way to a meeting I need to go to periodically. I decided to peruse her iPad and noticed a new message on her Facebook page from a girlfriend who knew my wife had an affair. The new message was nothing of significance but I noticed that the text message chain went back to and through the time of the affair. There were 3 messages from my wife to her in this chain from late September. The messages on 9/21/12 indicated something like "My man just left for a 3 week business trip to Las Vegas etc. etc." with a text "sad face" Followed by a separate picture of the sky outside of our house showing a smoke streak left by a passenger jet followed by a statement something like "We live in the Southwest Airlines Flight Path". Needless to say I didnt take a 3 week trip to Las Vegas and needless to say my emotions and thoughts came rushing back like a passenger jet crashing into my heart. I wanted to puke. Holy double life. I also looked at my Outlook Calendar to see what was going on in the life I was involved with around that time. As expected, knee deep in our kitchen renovation. I was so distracted during this period. Anyway....she had ran up stairs to take a shower so I had a few minutes to compose myself before I read the texts out loud to her....needless to say we had a conversation about our R. I admit there was nothing new here but the fact that I hadnt seen these exact words before was almost as devastating as the first time I found out. It just brought everything back again on how emotionally connected she was to this guy such a short time ago. I really wanted to go upstairs and curl up in a fetal position in the corner of our spare bedroom. If I was so terrible why the bleep didnt she just leave and divorce me?
I also cant help but smile a bit at the subject of three (3) weeks in Las Vegas for the bleeping predator. Isnt prostitution legal in Vegas? My god he must have had a field day out there in between business meetings. Then after 3 weeks of *****s and strippers in Vegas im sure he immediately met my wife again and waxed poetic/"I missed you" and got another bleepjob. Except this time it didnt cost him any money like the 10 he got the 3 weeks he was in Vegas. What a life! Its funny as I have said in the past.....I feel sorry for her because she was so naive. Anyway...I will get over this little detour down memory lane today and get back on track with our R.

Thanks for reading my posts and continued support!
 
#175 ·
What Warlock is saying is that your W, on her own, should have broken all ties with anyone who enabled the affair, as a sign of her earnestness. That she hasn't done so says, perhaps, that she is not all in on R.
 
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#176 ·
While the affair was going on this friend might have been the only one who knew. She also lives half way across the country and hasn't seen her in years. I don't understand the point of proving she is into the "R" by discarding her friends. In my mind it is not necessary. Now, if I knew there there was someone close/local who actually facilitated the affair in my face that would be a different story. I don't believe that is the case. My wife was way underground with this affair. Again, I believe they only met behind a vacant building in his car. Very classy relationship that was obviously going to last forever. LMAO.
 
#178 ·
Bfree....I understand where your going....I have no relationship with this friend and never will.....that relationship is not a concern in the big picture of what happened here.....However I am troubled that this person probably didn't tell my wife she was wrong in her actions and that I will never forget.
 
#181 ·
You don't need to have a relationship with this person. Your wife does and therefore as long as you're with her so do you.

Leo if you are trying to reconcile you need to purge the bad influences from your wife's life. Allowing this person to remain friends with your wife is a bad idea. Let me ask you this. If for some reason your wife started thinking of reconnecting with her AP or maybe even starting another affair and she ran this by her friend would her friend try to stop her even at the expense of their friendship or would her friend go along with your wife's stupidity and maybe even encourage her?

Part of R is using it as an opportunity for a fresh start, some even say a brand new marriage. Knowing what you now know about this friend would you allow your wife to stay friends with her if this was a brand new marriage? Sometimes we get so lost in the big picture that we forget its the small details that often matter the most.
 
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#183 ·
Agreed! Your W needs to agree to have this man purged from her past.

And although she probably already knows his track record and is either just too afraid or complacent to care, if you don't let the OM's wife know about what happened~ then he'll largely get himself another free walk.

But by your discreet disclosure of such to her, your chances of him actually coming back around and sniffing around your doorstoop for a crack at a little "strange," will be severely diminished!
 
#184 ·
What stage am I in now? Im feeling that pit in my stomach again. I also thought I was over the visions of the physical acts she participated in with this man. Today I am not over it for sure. I see her coming home to kiss me and having sex with me that same night after her back seat rendezvous. Absolutely no respect for me as a human being. As if I was nothing. A piece of $%^$. Looking straight through me probably each day and night. Holy I want to barf. Yet now "snap of the fingers". She gets caught, the A is in the daylight, we see an MC and all of a sudden I appear again, she loves me, she says she is sorry, I want to forgive, why the bleep should I?, why do I still have a predominant feeling of wanting to be with her?, How did my life come to this? I started my first IC session yesterday. Its painfully obvious I need it. Last night we spoke in detail about our "R" and the past... I felt like the most vulnerable and weak man on the face of the earth breaking down like a child. I barely feel like a man anymore. Based on what I have seen and read I have lived the past 8-9 years of my life with a woman who constantly day dreamed and fantasized about being somewhere else and with someone else culminating in a 6 month physical affair showing no remorse throughout. Now I am asked to put all that in the past and concentrate on the future. Hard. Very hard.
 
#186 ·
Keep going man, you've gone a long way and definitely have nothing to feel ashamed of. You are more of a man than many, simply walking away isn't always the right answer. Sometimes giving the oppertunity is what defines and emphasizes great character.

You've got work ahead of you in your marriage, as long as you want it. I can say though, you have no shame for this.

Stay strong brother.
 
#188 ·
Quote: "I felt like the most vulnerable and weak man on the face of the earth breaking down like a child. I barely feel like a man anymore."

Boy, that brings back some bad memories for me...

Leo74, Hang in there. Right now, YOU are the most important person in your life. And waking up tomorrow with a hangover is something you should try to avoid. Be carefull.
 
#189 ·
It takes more of a man to stay and save his family than to walk away. It also emphasizes thatat least one parent/spouse is a first class person. Anyone can have loose morals or succumb to temptation. You are areal man, the kind that's welcome in a foxhole.
 
#192 ·
On Saturday, my wife was very emotional, dare I say the most emontional I have seen/heard yet in regards to what happened. However, that thought may be heavily influenced by the fact I probably was in such a state of shock for the first week or so after I found out I dont really entirely remember what she said or how she acted. I was too busy loosing my manhood in the spare bedroom. Anyway....I had left to run some errands in the AM and returning just before lunch I could hear my wife in the shower screaming crying and hitting the wall at times saying inaudible words. When she was out I went up to speak to her and she was still very distraught. The conversation went down many avenues but she said in no certain order: "I am not a immoral person"; "I am not a bad person"; "Im sorry for everything"; "I screwed everything up"; "I let you down" . The truth is I believe the way she acted for a great deal of our relationship and especially the last half of 2012 was in an immoral way (w/o question for christs sake) and she WAS a bad person as it relates to the decisions she made. My wife is NOT an immoral/bad person in whole by any means but certainly as it relates to what she did those are adjectives that should rightfully be used. I really felt a sense of remorse this time though I must say.
In addition, I was pleased to find out she sought out and found a book that is apparently written by a BS for a WS who wants to save their marriage. Look at me using all of these acronyms. You can tell I spend alot of time here.
Last night when I turned off the lights and I shut my eyes unfortunately I began to see the vision of the acts she performed on this man. The kissing and his hands on her and in her. Still so sickening. Either I was so tired from chasing around our near 4 YO all day or I am getting better at changing my train of thought because it didnt keep me up all night. Thats a good thing. I plan on shredding any remaing piece of evidence that I have including the package that I gave the other man's wife. Having and being able to read this information hurts me immensely I have come to realize. I simply CANT have it available to read. Its Monday...back to work now!
 
#193 ·
I plan on shredding any remaing piece of evidence that I have including the package that I gave the other man's wife. Having and being able to read this information hurts me immensely I have come to realize. I simply CANT have it available to read. Its Monday...back to work now!
Sorry to see you in this state. I can't relate personally. But I think you should sleep on this before you decide to destroy all of your evidence. Maybe you can put it in a safety deposit box or give it to someone you trust to hold onto it for you. Maybe it's just me, but destroying this type of evidence while your R is still up in the air may not be to your advantage. Maybe it's not needed in your state for any divorce proceedings. But getting rid of it now sounds an awful lot like you want to bury this issue and not think about this anymore. I can understand the why, but I fear you may risk succumbing to the temptation of rug sweeping this over time.

On top of that, when you are at a better place, you may want to review all of your info and have your wife timeline everything. A lot of BS's need to fully process everything before they can heal. I know if I was in your shoes, I would have to know everything - even if it makes my life a personal hell. But eventually, you will pull through. You may get to a point where you too must know and have the timeline. Without this packet of evidence, you may regret destroying it with every fiber in your body.

Just my take.
 
#194 ·
Leo
Her remorse is showing. Your wife is not a bad person. She is a person who has made bad decisions that have consequences.

Keep being you. Show her consequences. Maybe both of you have the strength and fortitude to see yourselves through this crisis together and have the marriage you both want.....
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#195 ·
You guys are just a few month in, and this was the toughest time for me. What interesting is in my deal , I confronted in winter and as summer came around we spent alot of time together in the pool and going out and doing things together like summer vacations and just doing summer stuff.

My point is by July (6 month from dd) things will get better. At least in my case that reconnection over the summer was a big plus.

when the one year anny for dd comes around it kind a gets tough and expect the argument with regard to you still triggering and healing and her do her best and pointing out her efforts....it will happen but that the new reality for the both of you.

For me it like ...back in the day arguments were about money, time, kids, and day to day stress' of running a family...well for you and me and other our new reality is now infidelity is now part of the day to day stress' of running a family.

Its been 3 years (Feb. '10) in R and thats my perspective.

Ya when it come to destroying the evidence, turn it into an event the both of you can symbolize and a out with the old and in with the new......to be honest the only thing we didn't burn was the phone numbers. We decided to keep this around to see if the OM's were fishing, It has come in handy twice in the past three years.

My FWW has come to me and asked if I had these number's "on file" I said yes and knowing not to respond to them. In my FWW case there were so many OM's she couldn't keep track of there phone numbers.

Anyway as long as both of you work hard this thing can work out, it sucks to even have to work it out, even with all the day to day crap that already excites, but thats the new reality....she works on affair proofing the marriage and you work on healing....well in fact from the sound of things the both of you need to heal and that takes time.

On side note being witness to see how my FWW affair proof her marriage for the past 3 years still give s me hope and that it won't happen again...I believe she now has the tools to stay a way from those unhealthy behaviors.
 
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