Another statistic
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-14-2013, 06:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Another statistic

I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.

Last edited by leo74; 01-14-2013 at 06:49 AM. Reason: Mistake
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Old 01-14-2013, 06:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

If you were in the other wife's shoes would you want to know? I know I would. I think you should tell her.
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:04 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Do it.
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:21 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

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Originally Posted by lonewolf8545 View Post
If you were in the other wife's shoes would you want to know? I know I would. I think you should tell her.

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Old 01-14-2013, 07:22 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

While I don't condone executing our own vengeance, that particular sentiment must be temporarily curbed because something much more important confronts us right now:

The wife needs to know. Please, please tell her. Now.
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:30 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

I never saw a question in all of that??? However, I can comment that I wish you the best of luck with R, and its sounds like you are happy with her new behavior as the communication lines have opened up beyond what they have ever been in your marriage. Communication is the key to all successful relationships!

Having said that, yes communicate with his wife that he has betrayed her again, do your part of the healing process for them, you owe him that.
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

The wife needs to know, tell her.
Revenge feels good. Tell her.
What is your wife going to do to pay for her transgression? Or are,you going to let her get away with: "I'll be a good girl from now on"
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:42 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

I would call it justice.
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:47 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

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Originally Posted by The Middleman View Post
The wife needs to know, tell her.
Revenge feels good. Tell her.
What is your wife going to do to pay for her transgression? Or are,you going to let her get away with: "I'll be a good girl from now on"
Yep, if you do reconcile, your wife needs to have consequences as well. If the guy works with her, she has to quit her job or transfer. If they met when she was out on a girls night out (GNO), then no more GNOs. If it started over Facebook, then she needs to give you access to her Facebook account, email account, etc (she should do that anyway). Etc, etc.
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Old 01-14-2013, 08:01 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

Quote:
Originally Posted by leo74 View Post
.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing
You had a consequence for your part of a failing marriage.

But like a thief who risks jail & gets caught - yet avoids jail/fines, your wife has not seen any consequence for either (1) her part of the failing marriage or (2) her part in the affair - regardless of who initiated the affair.

I'm not advocating you make her "suffer a consequence", I just want you to process your thoughts clearly. So if 'risking divorce' was a consequence for her, it's the same as saying "risking prison" is the consequence for commiting crimes. The "risk" is not a consequence at all.

Be that as it may, TELL HER.
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Old 01-14-2013, 08:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You need to tell the wife by phone or in person so that her WH cant intercept an email from you. She needs to know! Especially if he's done it in the past.
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Old 01-14-2013, 09:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

Yes preferably tell her in person at the very least by phone and show her the proof you have.
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Old 01-14-2013, 09:57 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

Quote:
Originally Posted by leo74 View Post
I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
How are you verifying that the affair is over? Many times we see thta the affair goes underground it ths APs think a spouse is suspicous.
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Old 01-14-2013, 10:35 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

Leo She has the right to know so she can make an informed decision as to stay or go. More important AP's do not go away on there own. At some point he would come looking for your wife again. It is called fishing. When you expose the A to sunlight any fog left will just disapate. The POS OM's W will rag his ass hard causing him pain. It will also reinforce the stay away from my wife as well

Your wife will get angry with you when you expose. That is because she was at least for 6 months hiding the A and protecting herself and him. She will go back to that mode for a short term.

It is best for you to expose and stomp out the last of the embers from both parties
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Old 01-14-2013, 10:41 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another statistic

Quote:
Originally Posted by leo74 View Post
I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7. Through my investigations I have recently found she cheated on me. She has carried on a 6 month affair with another married man that ended in early December. I am confident it is over. I confronted her and I believe she has been truthful on what exactly has occurred.
Why did she cheat? I most certainly have not given her what she has needed in a very long time and I take full responsibility for my short comings as a husband. This of course does not justify the infidelity. I do not know how but I feel a sense that I might actually be able to forgive her some day and I still love her. We have done more talking in the last 5 days than we had done in the previous 9 years it feels like. Some of the conversations not good as I question what she did exactly and some of the conversations are good as I realize that we have wanted many of the same things but just lacked the tools to give them to each other.
I believe we are heading on a path to reconciliation.
Now for my question. Although in the end, my wife was a willfull participant in this affair it appears to me he was the initial aggressor. She gave into his manipulation as he played on the simple things that I wasn't giving her. A predator almost. There needs to be consequences for everyone in this situation.

1- Me - my wife cheated as a result of my failure to serve her emotional needs.
2- My wife - she got caught and has risked potential divorce
3- The other man - ? Nothing

I have the ability to contact the other mans wife and I have details about him and also a few emails from my wife to him. I also know that he has cheated on his wife in the past and that she knows about it. Im fairly confident she doesn't know about my wife though. I want to call her and tell her what else her husband had been doing from June until December 2012. We will then all have consequences. Basically I want revenge.
I think you want accountability. But indeed you have every right for revenge as a predator has helped kill your marriage as it was. If you reconsile it will be a different marriage. You have lost the old one forever. He basically poached your wife.

But beyond you holding him accountable his wife needs to know.

This does not mean you cannot hold your wife accountable, but you are trying to R with her and not him.

Expose the affair. This is also part of the consequences for your wife. Otherwise the OM is still lurking unscathed.

But you cannot rug sweep this. You are not to blame. Do not let her use her sexual activities manipulate you so you will meet her needs. Remember an affair partner does not heavy lifting. It is a fantasy. They only have to meet a few needs and many of those are just about brain chemicals and a real fantasy.

Do His Needs Her Needs together. But do not accept that you pushed your wife into an affair. That is blame shifting if she does this. You can be a near perfect husband and still have a wife that cake eats.
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Last edited by Entropy3000; 01-14-2013 at 10:51 AM.
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