I Love you but I'm not in love with you !
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-15-2013, 06:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

Hi all,

Those words that seem to be coming more and more common i.e. "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" have recently been spoken to me by my wife.

I'm hoping that by listing out all recent events I can come to some understanding and maybe help others come to understand what the hell is going on.

Here's the facts.
  1. We've been married for 18 years
  2. We have one daughter who is 13
  3. We are both 41
  4. We were childhood sweethearts
  5. I have spent the last 10 years working extremely hard to step up the career ladder to the point where I am now a Director. I have largely ignored my wife over this period ( her words which she has told me recently )
  6. My wife works 3 days a week
  7. Early last year my wife was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to undergo a major op
  8. Recently my wife and daughter have been constantly arguing over anything and everything. To be fair I have largely ignored this and just put it down to my daughter becoming a teenager.
  9. My wife admitted to me at Christmas that she had been having 'emotional affairs' via her smart phone all through December ( I knew something was happening but had no proof until Xmas day and she only admitted it when I had unarguable evidence ).
  10. She is adamant that there has never been any physical meeting or cheating
  11. We have and are still having regular sex. In fact it seems to have gotten better recently !

We have spoken at length about our feelings for each other which is when the statement "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" was stated. At the weekend my wife decided that she needed 'space' and wanted to be on her own. By this she meant completely on her own away from me, our daughter and her family.

She decided she was leaving on the Saturday night. Sunday morning she then told me that 'she couldn't do it to me and wasn't going anywhere'. We then had a lovely day together with a walk to a nice pub and meal and came home and had probably the best sex I can remember for a long time !

I now find myself totally confused and constantly breaking down in floods of tears as I don't know how all of this is going to end up.

I would be very interested in hearing from other people who have gone or are going through similar situations.
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Old 01-15-2013, 07:10 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

Have an open talk with your daughter. She might have sensed something.

Get a voice activated recorder and check cellphone records. The affairs typically go underground after the first confrontation.

She is quite possibly adamant it didn't go physical because you had no proof. In the light of her eagerness to move out though, it's very unlikely.
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Old 01-15-2013, 08:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elvischeeseburger View Post
Hi all,

Those words that seem to be coming more and more common i.e. "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" have recently been spoken to me by my wife.

I'm hoping that by listing out all recent events I can come to some understanding and maybe help others come to understand what the hell is going on.

Here's the facts.
  1. We've been married for 18 years
  2. We have one daughter who is 13
  3. We are both 41
  4. We were childhood sweethearts
  5. I have spent the last 10 years working extremely hard to step up the career ladder to the point where I am now a Director. I have largely ignored my wife over this period ( her words which she has told me recently )
  6. My wife works 3 days a week
  7. Early last year my wife was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to undergo a major op
  8. Recently my wife and daughter have been constantly arguing over anything and everything. To be fair I have largely ignored this and just put it down to my daughter becoming a teenager.
  9. My wife admitted to me at Christmas that she had been having 'emotional affairs' via her smart phone all through December ( I knew something was happening but had no proof until Xmas day and she only admitted it when I had unarguable evidence ). This probably started LONG before December. She's trickle truthing you!
  10. She is adamant that there has never been any physical meeting or cheating. Uhhh, an EA IS Cheating!
  11. We have and are still having regular sex. In fact it seems to have gotten better recently ! This is a typical reaction from a cheater. The sex either either becomes more/better or it's cut off.

We have spoken at length about our feelings for each other which is when the statement "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" was stated. At the weekend my wife decided that she needed 'space' and wanted to be on her own. By this she meant completely on her own away from me, our daughter and her family.

Again, typical cheater move. She was looking to take her affair to the next step with her other man (OM) and didn't want to be fettered by you or your child.

She decided she was leaving on the Saturday night. Sunday morning she then told me that 'she couldn't do it to me and wasn't going anywhere'. We then had a lovely day together with a walk to a nice pub and meal and came home and had probably the best sex I can remember for a long time !

It's possible that something happened with her OM or she sensed he wasn't that into her so she's settling for Plan B (That would be you in case you're wondering)

I now find myself totally confused and constantly breaking down in floods of tears as I don't know how all of this is going to end up.

I would be very interested in hearing from other people who have gone or are going through similar situations.
As Snap suggested, you need to find out what she's up to. Get a keylogger on the PC, a voice activated recorder (VAR) or two and put one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro

Also go on line to your cell provider and look as far back as you can at her call/text history. Look for lots of texts/calls to a few numbers you don't recognize and texts/calls made late at night or early in the AM or other times when you're not around

I'm willing to bet this goes waaayyy deeperthan what you've been told
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Old 01-15-2013, 08:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

Unfortunately, your wife seems to be following a WS script that far too many of us have seen. The "I love you but.." speech is really a way for the WS to say "I will be lying to you going forward, but I feel good about warning you". I know that's cynical, but I believe it is close to the truth.

You seem to recognize the mistakes you've made in neglecting her, is your wife willing to own her own sh!t regarding the EA's? If so, then there is a chance for rebuilding a new relationship. If not, prepare for the worst.

Sorry you're here. But you'll get lot's of advice. Read and learn from the experiences and mistakes of others. There really is a script.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

Forgot to note that your wife's cancer may have been a triggering event. I believe that certain events can trigger a previously faithful cheater to start cheating. In my case, my STBXW started her EA shortly after her father (who was horribly abusive to her mother and possibly my STBXW and her siblings) died.

Anything that jolts a predisposed cheater to question their own mortality or their own satisfaction with life triggers a chain of events where their own ultra-selfish desires for "happiness" cause them to seek external validation.

Anyway, that's my pop psychology belief. It won't help you to solve, but may help you to understand.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

She didn't change her mind about leaving. She had plans with OM that fell through so she had no where to go and needed to come up with a new lie so she could stay home without it looking too suspicious. IMO this is absolutely physical.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

I'm sorry but, ILYBINILWY always means "I found someone else"

You will need to get to the bottom of this and end it, or it will end your M. It sounds like she is fence sitting, so there is still a chance for you to end the A and get your W back.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

I can't give any advice re: the affair, but I can tell you to pull up your boot straps because your fun with your daughter and her mother will last for appx 2 more years (going by my own experience). I have a 21 year old daughter and between the ages of 13 - 15, I was about ready to pull my hair out! Thank God I only had one because I think I would have been in a mental institution had I had 2 girls.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elvischeeseburger View Post
  1. Recently my wife and daughter have been constantly arguing over anything and everything. To be fair I have largely ignored this and just put it down to my daughter becoming a teenager.
  2. My wife admitted to me at Christmas that she had been having 'emotional affairs' via her smart phone all through December ( I knew something was happening but had no proof until Xmas day and she only admitted it when I had unarguable evidence ).
These two points may have a common cause. Did your wife admit to the EAs because you caught her or did she offer them out of the blue, without burden of proof on your part? If the latter, then I'd bet a mint that your daughter probably caught her engaging in some kind of affair behavior and gave her an ultimatum that either your wife tell you or she would.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

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Originally Posted by snap View Post
Have an open talk with your daughter. She might have sensed something.

Get a voice activated recorder and check cellphone records. The affairs typically go underground after the first confrontation.

She is quite possibly adamant it didn't go physical because you had no proof. In the light of her eagerness to move out though, it's very unlikely.
Thanks for your reply. Interesting that you suggested talking with my daughter. I have already tried this and she seemed very uncomfortable talking to me about it. I don't know whether its her age or that she was just embarrassed.

I've also checked my wifes cellphone as over the last couple of weeks it has been deathly silent. Before that it seemed to be constantly going off with Facebook notifications etc. All syncing between Facebook and the two Gmail accounts have been switched off. Browser history is ALWAYS empty. I have used her phone to browse the internet and it keeps the history when I have used it. It seems that she is manually deleting the history.

I guess the signs are not good..........
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Old 01-15-2013, 10:00 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

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Forgot to note that your wife's cancer may have been a triggering event. I believe that certain events can trigger a previously faithful cheater to start cheating. In my case, my STBXW started her EA shortly after her father (who was horribly abusive to her mother and possibly my STBXW and her siblings) died.

Anything that jolts a predisposed cheater to question their own mortality or their own satisfaction with life triggers a chain of events where their own ultra-selfish desires for "happiness" cause them to seek external validation.

Anyway, that's my pop psychology belief. It won't help you to solve, but may help you to understand.
Hi Cederman,

I have been reading a lot about 'mid life crisis' and it seems that she fits about 90% of the criteria. My concern is that she hasn't been truthful with me. She only admitted to me that she had been having EA's when I found her phone still logged in to her hotmail account ( she got drunk at Xmas and forgot to log out - it really hurt me that she was still messaging on Xmas day ). I made her delete the hotmail account and I know she did it.

I have been regularly checking her cell since then and have found that she has set up another gmail account which I also know she is regularly logging into as when I attempt to recover the account the options for this are greyed out as it has been logged onto in the last 4 days.

What's confusing me is that after I thought we were finished when she was going to leave we now seem to be 'back on' as though nothing has happened.
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Old 01-15-2013, 10:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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These two points may have a common cause. Did your wife admit to the EAs because you caught her or did she offer them out of the blue, without burden of proof on your part? If the latter, then I'd bet a mint that your daughter probably caught her engaging in some kind of affair behavior and gave her an ultimatum that either your wife tell you or she would.
Hi JM,

She only admitted it when I found her cell still logged into her hotmail account.
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Old 01-15-2013, 10:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Love you but I'm not in love with you !

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Originally Posted by Elvischeeseburger View Post
Thanks for your reply. Interesting that you suggested talking with my daughter. I have already tried this and she seemed very uncomfortable talking to me about it. I don't know whether its her age or that she was just embarrassed.

I've also checked my wifes cellphone as over the last couple of weeks it has been deathly silent. Before that it seemed to be constantly going off with Facebook notifications etc. All syncing between Facebook and the two Gmail accounts have been switched off. Browser history is ALWAYS empty. I have used her phone to browse the internet and it keeps the history when I have used it. It seems that she is manually deleting the history.

I guess the signs are not good..........
These are all very bad signs.

You should also look for a burner phone.

Place VARs around the house.

You are in a very bad place right now. Too many red flags to count.
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Old 01-15-2013, 10:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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These are all very bad signs.

You should also look for a burner phone.

Place VARs around the house.

You are in a very bad place right now. Too many red flags to count.
Hi,

Sorry, but what is a burner phone ?
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Old 01-15-2013, 10:11 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Hi JM,

She only admitted it when I found her cell still logged into her hotmail account.
Gotcha. Is the contention between them a recent part of their emotional relationship with them or have they always been volatile with one another? Also, when they argue are they conscientious about keeping their voices down, or if you enter a room while they're arguing do they get quiet?
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