Husband cheated 12 years ago - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-16-2013, 11:54 AM Thread Starter
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Husband cheated 12 years ago

My husband & I met in 1998. We had our first child in 1999. We got married in 2000. About 10 months after we were married, my husband told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He suggested that me & our 2 year old daughter go to my sisters for a few days. I was completely blindsided by this. he kept stating that it was because I didn't show him enough attention. A few days later I heard that he was cheating on me. When I questioned him, he stated that him & this girl just talked, but nothing happened. We were split up for about a week & then we decided to make things work. As the years passed, we worked on our issues, but I always had a gut feeling that he had an affair. That it was more than just talking! He swore to me that nothing happened. Well, the truth always comes out. For me, it wasn't until 12 years later. One of his friends confirmed that the affair did indeed happen. I finally got him to admit to it. He kept saying how sorry he was & how it was the worst mistake of his life. He stated that he didn't tell me the truth b/c he didn't want to hurt me. I love him with all of my heart. We have built a wonderful life together with 2 amazing children. I just don't know how to react to this situation. He lied for 12 years! He states that he has never cheated again, but how am I supposed to believe him? Once a cheater, always a cheater? Will I ever be able to trust him again?

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-16-2013, 12:23 PM
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Re: Husband cheated 12 years ago

Oh gosh! Im sure now you are thinking back over the last 12 years and questioning everything in your marriage? How awful.

Im sure he would have gone to his grave with it, less for him to have to deal with.

The problem now is you believe he never cheated again? Are there any times when you thought he might have? Do you trust him? Does he show you love and respect? Its all a matter of what you believe your marriage to be at this point.

Now that you know, Im guessing you wont ever have complete trust in him, its like starting over from scratch and it certainly does suck!
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-16-2013, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheated 12 years ago

Over the past 12 years, I have had a lot of jealousy issues due to the gut feeling I had about him having an affair. So yes, i have accused him of other things. But I just assumed I was over reacting b/c there wasn't any proof. I have ramdomly checked his e-mails & text messages. I never came across anything. He would have taken it to his grave had his friend kept his mouth shut. One part of me is releived that it came out. Now I can stop accusing him & try to move forward with our marriage. But another part of me thinks "some things are better not known". My heart hurts. He said how sorry he was, but that was it. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-16-2013, 12:57 PM
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Re: Husband cheated 12 years ago

1. Don't minimize what you're feeling and more importantly going to feel. He's carried this for 12 years but this is brand new for you (suspicions aside).

2. Allow yourself to feel the pain, anger and betrayal. You can either deal with this in its entirety now or let it creep into your marriage and have it rear up at different times in different ways for the rest of your marriage. Rug sweeping doesn't mean it's gone, it just means there are bumps under the rug that will make you trip up.

3. Get into counseling. Your husband isn't going to recognize the impact of this and he needs to.

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