Hi, I'm not a frequent user of forums and message boards but, I have spent the better part of the last 2 days reading messages on this board and I am desperate for someone to talk to. I have been married for 13 years. My wife and I have two wonderful boys.
About a month ago, I suspected my wife was having an affair of some sort. We have been having some marital problems lately and I sensed that something was not right. I really wasnt sure as I never suspected anything like this before and as I have never cheated on anyone either as a bachelor or as a husband, I really wasnt sure what the signs were. This past sunday, my wife returned from an out of town trip and was very upset about something when she got home. I felt that "something" happened and I asked her if she was having an affair. Initially she denied it but, finally admitted to it. She explained that it was an emotional affair and nothing more than that. My wife denies having any type of physical relationship with this man but, I am having trouble believing her. I'm not really sure what actually happened to make her upset. I kind of get the impression that she wanted to have a physical relationship but, the guy didnt. I'm just not sure and frankly, it doesnt really matter.
I love my wife dearly. She is a beautiful, intelligent, funny woman and I cannot imagine not being married to her and having her as my partner for the rest of my life. I feel somewhat responsible for her affair. Although I am a loyal husband and father, am reasonably attractive, and have a professional career that provides a nice salary, I am far from an ideal husband. I have struggled with persistant mild depression my whole life. Most people would not suspect that I am depressed as I function pretty well however, one of the manifestations of my depression is that I am not a real emotional person and tend to build an emotional wall around myself. This has been an issue in my marriage for many years as my wife has always felt that I do not let her get "close" to me. She has begged me to seek professional help and said that she feels emotionally cut off from me. She even warned me several times over the years that she was afraid she would seek the emotional relationship from someone else if I could not provide it. I guess she finally hit her breaking point and this is why I feel responsible in part for the affair.
Long story short, after finding out about the affair, I was devasted and just fell apart. I made an appointment with a therapist and had my first appointment the following day. My wife and I have continued to talk and I am optimistic that we can get through this and I can save my marriage by working with a therapist and truly try to address my depression and my issues. I do want to address my depression for the first time in my life as I need to be healthy to try and save my marriage as well as myself. Even if things do not work out, I need to be mentally able to be a good father and focus on my future. My wife has said that she ended the affair as she felt so guilty when she saw how devastated I was. She has been apologetic and remorseful and seems willing to try and work things out.
Here is where I am struggling: I want to believe that my wife has ended the affair and is willing to give me a chance to be a better husband. However, the pessimist in me wonders if my wife is just saying this so that I dont leave. My wife has not worked in 13 years, we have a nice home and our kids go to private school. We are not wealthy but, have a comfortable life and I think my wife realizes that if we were to divorce, her lifestyle would change, we could no longer to afford private school, etc... Also, I sense that she may be in love with this guy she was seeing and I'm not sure if she can truly break off the relationship.
I apologize for the length of this. I do not have any friends that I would be comfortable discussing this with and am just desperate to talk to someone. My next therapist appointment is not until next Weds and I just need to try and make some sense of this and am hopeful that you nice people can offer some support or suggestions as you have been through this yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to read all this and I sincerely appreciate any responses.
GPS and voice activated recorder (VAR) in car. Keylogger on the computer. bug in the land line phone. GPS in her cell phone. Polygraph every 6 months. Just to awaken her to the real world, Take her off all bank accounts and credit cards. This is a real world consequence to her actions. If you can't trust her with your heart. You can't trust her with your money. Have her make a list and go shopping together.
You really need to find someone you can confide in or it will eat you alive. Talk to a friend or family if possible.
If they really are friends, they will want to help you through this.
Dont worry, your post wasnt that long. You need to get it out regardless of the length.
Some of your worries might be answered in your concelling sessions. Be prepared to bring it up if necessary. You cant ignore it if it bothers you that much.
You need to ask yourself alot of hard questions about what you want. Work on yourself as well. Try to be the best husband you can be. Even if it doesnt work out, its worth it in the end.
Perhaps search your area for support groups. There are many out there and quite a few are free.
Use this forum as much as you need. Alot of people here have been through some really rough stuff and can relate.
Take care of your needs primarily. You cant feel good if you arent looking after yourself.
Yes, being able to vent does help.
If you can afford it, going to councelling on your own would be a great move as well. You may even bee able to find something affordable or free if necessary.
Be truthful with your wife and lay it all on the line. Just tell her; I want to believe and trust you but right now I can't.
You need to be strong, loving, but also forceful in what she needs to do to repair this damage. Here's a template you may wish to use:
-Honey I love you with all my heart and soul, if I didn't, you would be finding someplace else to live right now.
-I love you, but right now I'm going to be honest, I do not trust you, and I want to believe you, but I can't.
-With everything that's happened, I still want to be your husband and I want you to be my wife. But in order for this to happen, we both need 100% committment to and from each other.
-I've seen my misgivings and mistakes, and I'm doing things to fix these. I expect the same from you.
-But, in order for me to trust and believe you again, there needs to be some committments from you:
1. You are to end and never, ever, have any contact with the OM. (make her call him and tell him, with you listening to both ends of the conversation). (If she can't call, watch her send him an email).
2. I need complete honesty about this affair and what occurred. Now is your only opportunity to TELL ME EVERYTHING. If later on down the road I find you've not been honest with me, or you convienently left out details, our marriage is over and I will be filing for divorce. I will not give you a second chance to be honest.
3. I need complete transparency to what's going on in your life. I will not spy on you, but I expect you to be open about your cell phone and computer use. If I ask to look at them, please don't take this the wrong way, I need to do this to regain trust. I really want to trust you, and this will help me to do that.
4. This is going to take a team effort as far as counseling. We need to attend MC to fix the issues which lead us to where we are at.
None of these are negotable and let her know this. If she is remorseful, and wants to remain marriaged to you, she will readily agree to all of this. If she doesn't agree to ALL, do not hesitate. Contact and attorney and have D. papers drawn.
You need to be strong. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She will probably blame you for this but THIS WAS HER CHOICE, YOU HAD NO SAY IN THE MATTER. Make sure she understands this. Let her know that no matter how disfunctional your marriage became, you would never hurt her the way she hurt you.
Like an earlier poster brought up. You need to verify her intent. Install a keylogger on any computers she uses, get detailed billing of her phone/text logs.
You need to be prepared to pull the trigger if she backpedals in anyway.
Another note, do you know who the other man is. If you don't she needs to tell you. You may get the, "well he's out of my life now""it's now important who he is" YES IT IS, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME. How are you going to verify if she's having contact with the OM if you do not know who he is.
Also, if they work together, she finds another job. No compromise on this either.
If the OM is married or involved in a committed relationship, don't you think his significant other deserves to know about his actions? Tell them. Another great way to insure your wife never has contact with him again.
You have a lot of work to do and I know your mind is moving 1000miles an hour. But I can tell you this from experience, showing her with love and "showing" her the great husband you are will do nothing but push her farther away. You need to appear slightly distant from her. This will show her you are ready to move on, with or without her.
You can do this. Keep up updated.
peace and God Bless
Depression is a hard thing to deal with, and its probably been made worse by the situation with your wife. All I can say, is give the therapy time to work, and really USE it to get to the root of your issues. If you can do the work on yourself, the changes WILL manifest in your relationship too...I have seen it firsthand with the issues my H has and is now tackling.
Truly, you have to know that IF she felt feelings of what she thought were love for this person, that it was more "puppy love" and infatuation than the type of love that is built on years of togetherness...and her feelings will likely fade as the contact is lost. I KNOW its hard, but she has to have time to reconcile herself to the loss of that relationship...and there is NOTHING you can do to speed that up...which is why I say work on yourself, talk things out with your therapist, and give her a bit of space...not to see him, but so she can get her head straight.
I did what I am about to recommend. In the interest of full disclosure, I will also tell you that although the tactic worked, my wife and I are divorcing.
Ask her to talk about what she was getting from the other man. If you don't think that you can calmly sit and listen to her talk about how she became drawn to someone else, without freaking out, becoming despondent or wanting to choke her - then don't do it.
But ... if you can ask her the question and take in an answer calmly, here is what you will learn:
You will discover what she wants but wasn't getting from you. (Whether those things are real or perceived is another matter)
You are demonstrating love and trust that you are committed to salvaging the relationship. You are taking a tremendous emotional risk - as is she, if she engages in a dialogue with you.
If she is responsive to the question, she still places tremendous value on the relationship she has with you. You allowing her to be open and feel safe will make her feel far more invested in repairing the marriage. She will also likely feel far worse for having caused you pain.
If she refuses to discuss it, is evasive, or dismissive; she is either still heavily invested in the relationship, or significantly more happened than she has told you, or is willing to tell you.
When my wife and I had this discussion, I approached it from the perspective of; what happened, happened, but if we were going to rediscover our own spark, I wanted to understand how she became drawn to him, so that I could work on being the source of meeting those needs. My explanation was true, but at the same time it was also to discover the depth of the relationship and where she stood. The purpose is not to feed anger, the purpose is to share information. She was pretty open, and when it came down to it, didn't know where she stood. She claimed to love us both. I didn't question or challenge that answer. But having that answer helped me make my decision to end the marriage.
You will get a wide variety of responses here. All of them based upon someone having gone through exactly what you are facing now. As mentioned, if you are already wrestling with depression, it is crucial that you take steps for your own well-being. Therapy, medication (I took zoloft for about 4 months when things tanked), whatever works. Addressing your own issues helps either course you take. It enables the marriage to heal, or gives you the strength to get through dissolving it.
Shoulda.....coulda....woulda...had I ONLY realized she/he was seriously missing something from me.
Now you are here, grappling with fidelity issues.
Sounds to me as if you have a very good grip on what is happening and why. It also sounds as if you and your wife can talk and be mature about the issues plaguing your relationship and that counseling may be helpful and could save your marriage.
I think your coming on this forum and having a place to "vent" is good, but I would do what the marital counselor recommends as the counselor is working with both of you - and can see your marital dynamic first hand.
One thing I think is important to rebuilding trust is transparency and accountability on the part of the spouse who has cheated. You have the right to know anything and everything to make you feel more secure, since she stepped over the fidelity "line", regardless of the reason.
I was focusing on whether she could stop the affair. If you can handle the questions in your mind, don't do what I suggested. My suggestions were practical measures to accomplish an end result. If the medicine is more painful then the sickness, by all means disregard what I wrote.
Looking for help
