Why should I love her more than she loves herself?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-19-2013, 05:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

I was out last night and it was my ex's 50th birthday (I wasnt with her) and I was thinking about her and was concerned about her turning 50 and the people she is associating with and I started feeling concerned about her and her life. Then the thought occurred ot me out of the blue "why do I care more about her than she does for herself?" - then it occurred to me that is what most BS's do - and could be the major problem - we care about them more than they care about themselves. Anyone else have this thought?
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

Your not fully moved on from her it seems.

Once I left my ex h due to him cheating I had zero feelings or attachments to him. I never think about him or what he's doing. I can't stand him.
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I can relate with you on this. I know I love my H more than he loves himself. I spent yrs trying to "fix" him. I think we lose ourselves when we get all wrapped up in them. We still just want whats best even though they did us wrong!
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

Bigtone,

You are not over your EX. I am a BS. I don't love my EX more than she loves herself. My EX and probably yours are extremely selfish... They tend to think of themselves more. They DON'T care about your feelings. They have no love or respect for BS.

I know it is hard to move on. I would be totally not engaged with my EX except for my three kids. What you are doing is longing for a dream of what could have been. Your EX is NOT the woman you fell in love with. Do not confuse the doppleganger that looks like your wife for the person you married. She is not. Don't expect her to ever come around looking for you. Your loss in the marriage is not her loss in the marriage.

Work on making yourself better. Getting stronger in whatever way pleases you and try to find joy in something else. Peace will come if you let it but you have to let her go.
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

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Bigtone,

You are not over your EX. I am a BS. I don't love my EX more than she loves herself. My EX and probably yours are extremely selfish... They tend to think of themselves more. They DON'T care about your feelings. They have no love or respect for BS.

I know it is hard to move on. I would be totally not engaged with my EX except for my three kids. What you are doing is longing for a dream of what could have been. Your EX is NOT the woman you fell in love with. Do not confuse the doppleganger that looks like your wife for the person you married. She is not. Don't expect her to ever come around looking for you. Your loss in the marriage is not her loss in the marriage.

Work on making yourself better. Getting stronger in whatever way pleases you and try to find joy in something else. Peace will come if you let it but you have to let her go.
Thanks for your advice - yea you are right about her not being the person I married - I felt that for quite sometime and kept longing for that back (perhaps that is the way she felt about me?). Funny, the feelings I go through - I feel guilty for not protecting her from herself....I feel I should have done more (almost like the guy in Schindler's list). I feel she just got mixed up with the wrong crowd and got lost...i do not know.

The nice thing about being 1000 miles away from her is i have little or no reminders of her except memories.

A friend pointed out to me last night that I still care for her and I got annoyed that he said it but thought about it and realized I did ....I have this theory that once you care for someone - you always care for them. Perhaps I should just stop trying to not care and just be...
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

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I was out last night and it was my ex's 50th birthday (I wasnt with her) and I was thinking about her and was concerned about her turning 50 and the people she is associating with and I started feeling concerned about her and her life. Then the thought occurred ot me out of the blue "why do I care more about her than she does for herself?" - then it occurred to me that is what most BS's do - and could be the major problem - we care about them more than they care about themselves. Anyone else have this thought?
Why? Because you are a caring. loving human being, Bigtone! It's what you are.

I had a talk with a girl who I was thinking of dating. I said: "I like you."

She muttered to herself: "Why would anyone like me, when I don't even like myself?"

I didn't date her, but what she said to herself stuck in my mind.
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Why? Because you are a caring. loving human being, Bigtone! It's what you are.

I had a talk with a girl who I was thinking of dating. I said: "I like you."

She muttered to herself: "Why would anyone like me, when I don't even like myself?"

I didn't date her, but what she said to herself stuck in my mind.
thanks MM - true in that someone has to love themselves before loving another...I just think my ex has crap to work through..
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

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I was out last night and it was my ex's 50th birthday (I wasnt with her) and I was thinking about her and was concerned about her turning 50 and the people she is associating with and I started feeling concerned about her and her life. Then the thought occurred ot me out of the blue "why do I care more about her than she does for herself?" - then it occurred to me that is what most BS's do - and could be the major problem - we care about them more than they care about themselves. Anyone else have this thought?
Bigtone: this is exactly many couples get into trouble. One side doesn't love themselves so they seek whatever it is they think they're missing. My STBXW was exactly the same. Trying to change her looks, her friends, lying to me, lying to the kids. Bottom line is that she didn't love herself, so it was impossible to love others. She was messed up (still is).

Don't beat yourself up for still caring - just means you're a good person. Caring about your wife is a habit and hard to break so I know exactly where you are coming from, especially hard on trigger days (anniversaries, birthday's). Take it one day at a time.

Your wife has to fix herself before there is any hope. If she can't or won't then you have to move on. Painful, but true.
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

Love is just brain chemistry. You are still chemically addicted to her. Even though she is physically distant, you maintain the addiction by thinking about her so often.

Quit thinking about her. Start thinking about you. Start dating other women. Go get a massage from a woman. See what if feels like to be touched by another woman. Realize that your Ex is just a self-centered woman, and can be replaced by one who will treat you with respect and dignity.

Exercise, eat well, start a hobby or get back into one that you had given up, hang out with friends..but quit thinking about her!
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Old 01-19-2013, 11:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Bigtone: this is exactly many couples get into trouble. One side doesn't love themselves so they seek whatever it is they think they're missing. My STBXW was exactly the same. Trying to change her looks, her friends, lying to me, lying to the kids. Bottom line is that she didn't love herself, so it was impossible to love others. She was messed up (still is).

Don't beat yourself up for still caring - just means you're a good person. Caring about your wife is a habit and hard to break so I know exactly where you are coming from, especially hard on trigger days (anniversaries, birthday's). Take it one day at a time.

Your wife has to fix herself before there is any hope. If she can't or won't then you have to move on. Painful, but true.
So true Cedar - I appreciate the comments. Yes, yesterday as her birthday (50th) so it was hard - 1st one apart for 28 years.....true about her fixing herself. I hope she can for her sake - not sure if I could ever get over it or the way she treated me fankly I believe I deserved better treatment but I love family so much that if given the opportunity I think I'd try....I know my kids (even though they are adults) are happier when we get along.
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

Bigtone,

For what it is worth... My EX had maybe five affairs that I know of. My son caught her with 2-3 and she told him not to tell... (He is now in counseling as I found this out a couple of weeks ago) She stole from me, lied to me, cuckolded me, just about anything wrong you could do to your enemy she did to me.

I still care about her and I don't. I let her go. She is doing my neighbor now. (More counseling for the kids) I don't care about what she does because it is her decision and I do NOT want her back.

I care for her as I would care for any human being now. I don't know everyone's personal stories. I do know hers though the past year is blank... The point is I hop she gets better and I am more familiar with her story so yes it interests me. I think her life is taking a sad turn. Well that is her choice, but I only care as much as it affects the children. If she would ask for help, I would point her to some places where I got help but I would not lift a finger to help her as I couldn't trust her to not try and use me as she did before.

You shouldn't stop caring about her because she is another human being that you know pretty well. You need to stop caring for her like she is your wife... That person is sadly gone.

Be strong, find and interest and get busy living. Life is too short to dance with ugly women!
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:08 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Bigtone,

For what it is worth... My EX had maybe five affairs that I know of. My son caught her with 2-3 and she told him not to tell... (He is now in counseling as I found this out a couple of weeks ago) She stole from me, lied to me, cuckolded me, just about anything wrong you could do to your enemy she did to me.

I still care about her and I don't. I let her go. She is doing my neighbor now. (More counseling for the kids) I don't care about what she does because it is her decision and I do NOT want her back.

I care for her as I would care for any human being now. I don't know everyone's personal stories. I do know hers though the past year is blank... The point is I hop she gets better and I am more familiar with her story so yes it interests me. I think her life is taking a sad turn. Well that is her choice, but I only care as much as it affects the children. If she would ask for help, I would point her to some places where I got help but I would not lift a finger to help her as I couldn't trust her to not try and use me as she did before.

You shouldn't stop caring about her because she is another human being that you know pretty well. You need to stop caring for her like she is your wife... That person is sadly gone.

Be strong, find and interest and get busy living. Life is too short to dance with ugly women!
Thanks Moving - great advice nd feedback...I appreciate it.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:44 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why should I love her more than she loves herself?

I can also relate with you on this one.

You cannot love someone and then jusy not love them anymore.

No matter what they have done.

My H did horrible things to me and our marriage over the years but because somehow I ended up being the one that takes care of the family I am now having a very hard time D him and leaving him to take care of himself. Why do I keep putting his needs ahead of mine? Even though he has never put my needs ahead of his??

Some people care much more than they should.

And perhaps like me you are used to being the responsible one and used to caring for her welfare more than she ever did even now that you are no longer together.
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