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Is a full on emotional affair a real affair ? Thoughts needed

26K views 194 replies 30 participants last post by  whitehawk 
#1 · (Edited)
Was l having a real affair to her ?

We separated 4 mths ago . We'd had a very stressful 5 yrs and it took it 's toll on our moods and the way were with each other.
Now , l've realized l did handle the stress so wrong, l also blocked my wifes love and efforts to hold us together .
That eventually had her backing away and acting weird with me too and that , made me go even more distant from her.

In our last 12 mths together we'd bought our new place 6 mths earlier , it needed heaps of work , more money stress and too many other things going on to mention.
Around this time one of our friends was spending more and more time here and usually in week long stints staying over.
l got along with her much better than my wife did , my wife didn't even like her that much.
My wife had also changed jobs , lots more work , whole new crowd, on top of all our worries so she also got very run down , tired all the time and started going to bed at 7 or 8 every night.
she told me right through that's all it was but i was welcome to hang out with the friends.
Well , we usually stayed up till all hours , even all night , we had heaps of fun , lots of laughing and , yep she was damn hot too but - nothing ever touched. There were usually other people around too , lots of noise , music , laughing and yelling through the house.
l often went in to see my wife , make sure she was cool and we weren't keeping her awake- our room was away a bit and separate so pretty sound proof.

This was going on every few weeks over our last 12 mths and i must admit l could never wait for K to get back and see her again. l thought about her all the time and even thought of leaving to be with her - but l didn't !

Well, it turns out my wife was also in deep depression through all that time on top of everything else , about us. seeing shrinks and Counselors and in our last 3 weeks had met some shoulder to cry on too.
She told me she wanted to separate. She told me about us , the way l'd been with her for a couple of yrs now and that l'd lost it with her completely, the pain and hurt she'd been living.
She'd thought l wanted to move out for 12 mths. Told me about mr shoulder , the depression , shrinks. Then she told me she'd like to start spending time with mr shoulder . She said she didn't even think l'd care anyway and that l was so busy with K all the time and how she'd cry in bed listening to us laughing and partying for 12 mths.
She said K turns me on but she doesn't any more , and that l don't even wanna talk to her anymore let alone have fun with her
She said she'd been crying in bed for 12 mths over what we might be getting up to , in her house .
She'd even heard me dreaming about her . And admittedly l did deny any turn on and really nothing physical had happened anyway but deep down she was right about her , l mean if l was single !

But , despite everything , l had never stopped loving my wife also and if l'd had known what she was going through l would have done everything l could. It hurt soooo much to find out she'd been in that pain and so long, and that l'd been so insensitive and cold to us .
but it was too late , she'd cut off and checked out.

But , the one thing that kept coming back , above anything else through all our talks, AND fights, before she moved out, was K.
It kept coming back and up , l blew it off each time because yeah in a way she was right but l never touched.

So was that an emotional affair , a real affair- which l've never heard of before here 4mths ago . And the realizing that maybe she had something, maybe to the other person that is an affair or as good as cheating on them.
Can an emotional affair be so serious that it justifies separation or the right for them to start seeing someone else ?
The right for them to cut off and appear to be feeling no guilt about seeing someone else ?
Is it justifiably that bad ?

Please don't hesitate to delve or speak on this. To be honest, l know l'd been selfish and dumb but with realizations from around here, l need too dig at this to just maybe , find some peace and closure , figure out my anger .
 
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#2 ·
An EA is just as painful for the BS as is a PA. For some BS, they have found a EA to be even more painful.

Under the guise of entertaining in your home, staying up all night with the OW you were dating this OW in front of your BW in BW home for a full year.

And you need to be told what you did and why it was wrong.

Are you that dumb?
 
#3 ·
Yes an EA is often, more often more painful than a PA. You are giving your deepest part to another woman, not just your flesh. That is more of a betrayal to some people. It is also psychologically more damaging.

You did betray your wife. Though your wife was in a deep depression she was needing you. You were not there for her. You were out having fun with K while she was burying her pain.

Now that your wife has separated you have a couple of choices, fight for your wife if you truly loved her or walk away. If you did truly love your wife, go fight for her. You have to understand what she needs and women's needs are different from men's so you have to begin to understand her. You married her for better or worse so go after her and let her know you love her and fight for her.
 
#5 · (Edited)
Thanks Moving and my God. lt wasn't until later , finding this place and reading , talking , realizations .
l mean it broke my heart when she told me what she'd been going through but yep , on the K stuff in my mind well , l didn't touch so it wasn't as bad as she made out but , well how stupid and wrong could l have been .

l wish i could fight for her moving , l tried for two mths , everything. She wasn't interested and just kept saying she was done, along with a hell of a lot of more colorful stuff.

She still seems as done and checked out as ever and seeing that other guy now .
 
#6 ·
She is seeing the guy now too. That's actually what got me digging even more than l already have over this 4 mths and why l'm digging here now.

Because l saw them today , in town, having coffee, main street, talking to locals passing by.
that's a tiny town , gossip , my daughter goes to school there , knows everyone.
Well l saw them also 6 or 7 wks ago for the first time .

The anger and pain l felt , seeing her doing this in such a small town , in front of it all so soon after our separation.
My daughters school and friends , me , l mean how the fk does that look so soon ?
How the hell could she have such no feelings for our feelings and so soon like that ?

That's why l'm here right now and trying to learn more and understand emotional affairs and their effects.

Because it's so not her to act like this but maybe , with what l've done and seeing how bad you've all said that can be , maybe she feels quite justified .

Maybe she's got every right to feel that way ?
 
#137 · (Edited)
Perhaps.

Having been in an EA I would say a ONS is a more blatant betrayal in that there is not the emotional bond of a close friendship that builds up the brain chemicals. A ONS is an intentional blatant selfish betrayal. It is one thing to get unintentionally too close / attached to someone and another to put your penis in another womans vagina.

But iit like asking which leg do you want cut off. So they are both unacceptable.

For me personally I could deal with my wife being in an early EA but could never forgive any kind of PA, ONS or not. A deep EA, I would not consider an R.

I have been plenty drunk in my life on occasions but never so drunk I could not control whether I had sex with someone. Many people like to get drunk and flirty because they like the thrill of being on the edge of cheating. Eventually they indulge.
 
#9 ·
She has a right to her feelings and you to yours. She is done. She isn't thinking about your feelings like you weren't thinking about hers. For a long period of time you carried out an affair in her home with her there. I can't imagine the anguish she went through. Do you want your wife back or do you just want to move on? Be clear about what you want so the advice can be given accordingly.
 
#12 ·
Thanks Hopefull and neither could l until seeing how bad all that really was.

Well , first l wanted to know how bad an EA is and then , as compared to what she's doing now .
Because l feel so much anger now after seeing them today like that and that's going to seriously effect the way l am with her from here on. Yet we have a lot of money stuff to clear up for 12 mths and we have my daughter forever.

So firstly - do l even have the right to feel that anger after what l did to her ?

2ndly , yes l would want my wife back definitely under the right circumstances. We were repairable and before all this we were a really special couple but she's lost so l have no choice , l do have to move on.

And so again it comes back to do l have the right to feel that anger, it what she's doing justified ?
Because that anger effects me and moving on as l am trying not to but l'm carrying it around .
l also have to use that town so today is going to happen again and again.
 
#10 ·
As far as what constitutes an emotional affair, everyone has their own opinions about where the line is that, when you cross it, you're having one. I don't think there is a dictionary definition anywhere.

I think it would be best for you to not worry so much about what term to use for your behavior and just focus on the behavior itself.

Your wife was going to bed at 7 or 8 every night. Meanwhile, you were partying, usually very late, sometimes all night, in the same house.

You don't say it, but I get the impression that you didn't exchange I love you's or any type of sex talk with other woman. I get the impression that your wife heard the tone of your voice, how excited you were, how enthusiastic you were, when you were with the other woman. And she contrasted that enthusiasm and excitement that you ALWAYS had plenty of for the other woman, with how you at the same time seemed to have NO CONCERN for her. Whether or not you did, or did not, ALWAYS or NEVER do these things, is not that important - your wife's perception is what is important. And I think your wife perceives that you had deep feelings for the other woman and no feelings for her.

It went on for a year - that's a really, really long time to be in bed at 7 or 8 each night listening to your husband whooping it up with another female. At this point, your wife feels that she heard what she heard, even if you tell her that you and other woman never touched, she knows the excitement in your voice and the emotion and enthusiasm you showed for the other woman. Your wife knows what she knows and you are not going to dissuade her that she is wrong.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you. Has your wife moved out? Where do you stand with your wife? Heading for divorce? Drifting along in limbo?
 
#13 ·
Thanks for your time Will.
She moved out 4mths ago. L've been rebuilding , getting my head around everything , seeing my daughter when l can, adjusting , clearing up all our crap, working and going on with finishing our house , deciding my future - all the usual it seems broken marriage stuff.

Hmmm , more bad news l'm afraid. Things did get often accidentally a little heated with K. Definite mutual attraction there that was sometimes hard to push aside.
Apparently it was getting pretty hot in my sleep too but l thought but hey we could dream anything we can't be responsible for that surely.
 
#11 · (Edited)
She doesn't feel special to you anymore. You put more effort into K, than you did the woman you took a vow to love,honor, and cherish. She probably thought you guys were a team, you could work it out, you would never do that etc... Instead you withdrew, that's extremely painful, especially when facing all of the stress. It was that bad, it is justifiable, and this new guy is making her feel special.
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#15 ·
Hmm , l did offer to never see K again and when l'd realized what a mess l'd made l actually couldn't wait to show her love and start being with her again , sex to but especially our talking in bed and early nights we'd always done before all this.

She said she just can't there was too much hurt and she was done.
 
#14 ·
Mr. Man, sorry but you failed the ultimate test of loyalty. When your wife was sending up smoke signals that she needed you you preferred to take care of you first. You bypassed her needs for K. Didn't K have something better to do with someone else? You have now experienced another woman the way you experienced your wife which nullifies your emotional relationship with her. The only reason you seem to be concerned now is because someone else got her smoke signals, which renders you a little too late...
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#18 ·
Well no not only , the anger l feel , do l have that right to feel it though after the mess l made.
lt will effect everything and l don't know how l should be treating her after today.

yeah l missed them alright and selfishly . but now not that l'm defending what l did but she had been also missing my smoke for 2 or 3 yrs .
l'd been to hell and won the battle for her . Our finances were coming good , we got a beautiful property for my daughters home , l started a business and coming good . lt was a fight and a 1/2 and there were so many times along that l needed things from her that she just didn't get either you see.
 
#17 ·
You have a right to your anger, of course. Anger is a natural feeling that comes when it comes.

You don't have any moral high ground, though.

The thing is, when people are in EA's and deny the affair because it didn't go physical, they miss the most important element that distinguishes a serious commitment, the emotional connection and intimacy. It's often only when their spouses ask them how they would feel if the tables were turned that they start to understand the reality.

So now you've had the tables turned. You see your W with another man, happy and not putting you front and center. You haven't seen them having sex - you may have no proof that they are - but you see the connection and you are very angry.

So now you know what it feels like. If you love your W, you messed up in a huge way. A full year with her in bed like that. Didn't it occur to you that something was seriously wrong? To me it sounds like you were happy to tuck her in so you could play with K.

Sorry, you blew it in a very big way & really, really hurt your W.

So, you can be angry, but it can't be self-righteous anger.
 
#21 ·
Hmm, l'm saying that a lot today aren't l .
Well yeah it did but she'd changed jobs and they were working her a22 off . And early nights and low energy weren't uncommon for her , they actually got on your nerves a bit .

And l'd asked her you see too , dozens of times , she always said no l'm fine just tired still.. But found out when it was too late that she couldn't tell me the truth.

But you and the others are still right , it comes down to smoke signals and K. l failed both big time .
 
#19 ·
My STBXW had an EA which morphed into a PA. Long story, won't re-hash it. Bottom line is that I found out about the EA and had no clue about the PA. It didn't really matter. The EA was devastating to our marriage because of the betrayal of trust involved and the lies. My STBXW was sharing thoughts and secrets with the POSOM which she previously shared exclusively with me. She was complaining about her marriage and me to the POSOM. She was expending ALL of her emotional energy and a LOT of her affection on her EA. it was during this time when my gut told me something was wrong, but my sense of denial blinded me to the truth.

The betrayal of trust, the stealing of emotions, the feeling of being blindsided, stabbed in the back, the anger over the lies were greater (for me) when I discovered the EA than when my STBXW finally confessed to the PA.

After an EA is established, moving it to a PA is just a tiny step. The betrayal has already been done.
 
#20 ·
I guess the one defining difference between an EA and a PA that we can all agree on is that the EA lacks physical sex, or for some more specifically genital penetration.

These are the problems that I see in a relationship that I call an EA
1. misplaced loyalties. You trust your EA more than your spouse whether it relates to trustworthiness or ability to do something.
2. Your EA affects your mood more and it shows. You're up when she's up; you're down she's down.
3. You're more generous to your EA than with your spouse. that can be with money, buying her gifts; taking her to expensive places, even if your wife joins you, if your EA weren't with the two of you, might you have chosen a cheaper restaurant.
You're more inclined to do more favors for your EA either around her house, for example, or professional favors, networking and what not.
4. You use the EA as a sounding board for important decisions within your marriage. For example, every time you and your spouse, argue, you may look to your EA for her opinion, whether it's forgivable and so on.....


Maybe I can think of some other things.

the other problem with an EA is that it can be a prelude to a PA. Women would prefer it that way so that an emotional connect would already be established.
Men might prefer it that way so that they use the emotional connection as an excuse for going on autopilot and having sex.

But it is interesting, if you have not been burned by an EA,you may not give it much thought. I was looking at another message board where some women were defending going out with their ex for dinner despite having a current boyfriend. their attitude was, we're not having sex, so what's the problem?
 
#22 ·
Yep your spot on. lt's always a different story when it's her , I've been there .
No sex , his just a workmate, his my brother in law for God sake, oh it's nothing we're just friends - as she lights up like a torch when he walks in !

So sorta knew where we were going , but it's true to that l'd always gotten that crap above when l was on the receiving end.
 
#25 ·
I agree with Will Kane: it must have been so lonely and just a torture for your wife during that time. Being depressed, feeling lonely and hearing you and that woman having fun all the time, without her being a part of it. Depression can make one very tired, so she needed her rest. I don't get the feeling you were there for her at all... and to state the other woman is hot, well, she must have known your feelings by your behaviour. She is indeed done and I think you need to talk to her in a calm way. Even just to figure out if you want anything from eachother really still....
 
#28 ·
In an EA, the WS can see nothing wrong with the AP and everything wrong with the BS. That is how the "fog" works.

In my case, the POSOM was married with a 1 year old and a 3 year old when the EA started. He also had a girlfriend. He left his wife and kids, divorced asap, THEN he had a PA with my wife while still maintaining his girlfriend. THEN, he met another woman, became engaged (while continuing the PA) - eventually marrying this woman.

My wife is very attractive, extremely successful, and intelligent. Yet, she thought this guy was everything she was missing in her marriage. They NEVER argued. They didn't have any stress about kids. They could complain to each other about their marriages and find a sympathetic ear. All they did was have fun!!! The fact that he was a sleaze ball, screwing around and cheating on everybody did not seem to matter.

THAT is the power and the danger of the "fog". OP: It sounds like you're still a little bit in the fog - but starting to come out. Once you're out - you have to make some clearheaded decisions. No matter what you choose, you need to be 100% honest with all players involved. That is for their sake - but more importantly it is for YOUR sake.

You don't want to go through life as a lying cheat. Find your character.
 
#31 ·
Yea . Personally I've never thought intelligence has much to do with passion or love especially in early fog days . You like who you like , it just happens.

And yea again. See this is why l'm here today and we "are" working this stuff out finally . I don't mind the kicks , l need to get clear on it all once and for all after today and the last 4 mths and you guys are doing it.
l just don't know how to thank you after the hell we've been through.

And again , you mention fog , l'd never heard of it before coming here and then to me it was quite obvious that my wife was the one in fog.
But now l see , l was in the fog long long before her , with K.
The chemical wacko syndrome , the lot
 
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#34 ·
She tried in her own proud way . Which means she blew up at me about it one night . She also accused me of stealing her undies , in front of her. l didn't have them they found them later.

Yea we use to talk triple most couples but that had slipped badly for sure.
But I was still often talking to her and checking with her at night , asking stuff and swopping our days you know. Usually in bed when kids were out of the way.

But 99% of the time she always said things were cool and we were both too stress to give a damn right now anyway.

She admitted she also felt very responsible for us because l did often ask her or come in to talk but she wasn't honest with me. But then she was too hurt and depressed to go there to, l'm too close .
 
#32 ·
Can an emotional affair be so serious that it justifies separation or the right for them to start seeing someone else ? The right for them to cut off and appear to be feeling no guilt about seeing someone else ?
Is it justifiably that bad ?
People divorce everyday due EAs. But yours was very cruel, flaunting OW that way is not only a complete dealbreaker for many but the therapy, her depression, the isolation, the need to scape and the complete detachment is totally granted. You were emotionaly and mentally abusive to your wife.
Of course you lost her before but as OM entered the chances to go back decreases exponentially.

Try wear the other shoe. Re write your posts just change the characters. If you are honest enough with yourself you will see the cruelty and the reasonable outcome. What the hell did you expect? Can you imagine having the need to go to therapy?
You broke your wife and destroyed your marriage. She's now trying to become another man's GF. All happened right under your nose as you were to busy with OW. Four month after the sepatarion you realizes it and now it's too late. Why? Only becasue another man is in the picture.
Why are you so angry? You are still showing no humility, imagining conditions to recover the marriage. You are in complete denial, friend. Change the attitude.
 
#33 ·
So, WH, what you want from your thread is some clarity?

You are certain that your M is over and you want to be clear on why and how and who has what responsibility?

Someone asked if your W talked to you about your 'friend', whether your W expressed concern, during this year. Did she? If she did, did you deny or minimize or gaslight?

And what happened to K? Why was this woman OK with partying with another woman's H all this time, knowing the W was in her bedroom? This is not a nice person in this respect.

If you want clarity, it seems to me that your W and you had very typical marital problems until you started having an affair right in front of her. She was depressed and finally found the strength to tell you where to get off. From what you've written, it seems that simple to me.
 
#38 ·
Yea , it's sure looking that way Dame, ya pretty well summed it up.
K is still around , comes over now and then for a few days but with everything that's happened not too often and nothings gone any further.
As far as the person , hmm. l just don't know l mean things get away from you.

Look at her new guy , his suppose to be all gentle and fkg caring , but his just helped break up a family and messed with my wifes head even further.
lf he wasn't on the scene for her to fall back to there's not a doubt , we could have worked this out and made it back.

So , l just don't know. In lots of ways K saw me needing and neglected
 
#42 ·
Please, can you clarify the timeline?
When K entered in the picture? When your wife started getting therapy? When did she asked for the separation? When did she move out? When OM entered in the picture?
About your children... what is the actual arrangement? How often dod you have them since the separation? Anyone filing for D?
 
#45 ·
Hi Aca.
K about 15mths , We started to get along about 3 mths later. 12 mths after that my marriage separated.
I find out finally , my wife had been getting therapy about 6mths before we split .
She asked to separate about 51/2 mths ago and she moved out 4mths ago now. We had to live together till we had the money plus giving my daughter time.

No no divorce stuff at all yet. l have my daughter pretty well anytime she's up to another house hop but usually week ends so far. l also drop in to see her whenever l can .

The OM she'd met 3-4 wks before she asked to separate but she'd decided and wrote the letter to me , just hadn't given it to me as yet , 6wks before. There were dates on things l found and it all matched in to what she'd said.
 
#48 ·
I see. So after that horrible year and a few months of therapy she wrote a letter which never gave you (It' seems to be a pattern of her, avoiding conflict, not adressing the issues directly and build up resentments on her own, adding the hopeless emotions of being depressed). That was the key date. Likely that letter was a therapy exercise, homework from her IC.
That moment, when she put black over white her feelings she decided she wanted to separate, was done with marriage, she gave permission, felt open to seek someone to talk (OM, shoulder to cry enter the picture). Then she felt heard, more alive, brave, ready to actually make the move only she planned it carefully and left you on the dark a few weeks more before expressing herself. OM was basicaly the catalyst she needed to pull the trigger for good. I'ts very common. Not saying acceptable, just common. She should have left you without external interference but IC. She just couldn't, people is scared to be alone, to start a new path, fear is overwelming, they need some sort of liquid corauge to get out. She used a friendly ear to exit the marriage, a rescuer.
For her it's not cheating as she was already "divorced" in her mind and heart. Again, very common. Only this time within reason.

When did you know about OM's?
 
#54 ·
That all fits exactly to the lot aca. And yep she also will only ever front things when l've brought them up and dug a bit , often a lot.
Her whole family are rug sweepers , nothing ever happens , anywhere , with anything , according to them . It's just swept away and never happened.
You know even she said if only I'd talked to you , we all need a brick over the head now and then before we see some things and I should have told you everything and many other things 100's of times.

She told me about him with the separation. She said that nothing had happened yet but she would like to start spending time with him. She'd had her very own EA then too.
 
#51 ·
From my own past experience...

Women rarely ever tell you their true feelings. You are supposed to know and if they have to tell you, then it just doesn't matter because you must not have that connection with them that you thought you did.

Whitehawk, what you did was stupid. I cannot say that I have not done many stupid things in my previous marriage. If you want your wife back, I am going to suggest that you read some books, articles on what women want in a marriage. The first thing is to understand them.

She gave you her heart, and you trod on it like it was nothing. She now doesn't trust you with her heart. She doesn't trust giving it back to you. She doesn't think you will treat it right. To be perfectly honest, she may never trust you again.

If you want her back, first understand her needs and desires and second forget about yours. You tortured her for a year. She will want some 'justice' for that... I don't know what the word is but she wants a reckoning. Did she help facilitate your marriages demise? Yes. Does it matter? You need to overcome how this affects you and if you want her back, go after her. Read, Listen, Learn, Love, ... and for God's sake stay away from the other woman for any reason whatsoever. Your wife gets one word that you so much as hears a hint that you saw, spoke, listened to her at all and you are done!

Now go out and start making yourself a better person. Go learn about her and go fight for her!!!! Or just wallow in self pity and become a sad lonely fat old man:)
 
#58 ·
Oh your so timid :D

Don't worry moving , l never wallow for long , l get my head straight and then l slowly start to wind up again.

Thanks mate but no she's done as l mentioned somewhere in here but it'd be hard to find now don't worry but. And maybe so am l to l think .
At the beginning l did try, everything, read lots too but once she'd moved out and began seeing OM l'm the one that's done then.
lf anything maybe down the track like a lot of couples seem to end up doing full circle , but not now.

This is about finally understanding , anger , what was happening and realizing l f'kd up . l 'd never even heard of an EA
 
#52 ·
An historian named Barbara Tuchman published a theory of historical analysis that she simply called 'Folly.' This claimed a formal view of history in which we would recognize that people react and do things on impulse without thinking and this can dramatically affect any course of events. She talked about how we can try to define cause and effect as if everyone's motivations are clear and can be divined, but in reality that isn't how humans behave. I used to called this the 'sh!t happens' approach to history.

WH, you have a lot of different variables to your story and sh!t just happened. There's blame to go around. Your W did some of it and you did some of it. The thing with K is the worst of the sh!t that was all coming together to cause your split up. Your W kept bringing it up after the fact because it was a betrayal & that hurts dramatically.

If you try to define and treat your anger, it will be very hard because it's probably unfocused & it's unfocused because of the 'folly' effect. There's just too much stuff in there all together that contributed to the demise of your M. You can be sure that your EA was the major contributor. I'm sure that's a fact. Whether your W didn't confront you earlier because of depression is an open question that you'll never know the answer to.

No matter what, though, the EA was a betrayal that was going to deeply threaten your M whenever/however she chose to confront it. And that's on you. Out of all of the variables that can't very clearly be judged, you know that that one is on you.

So, maybe if you accept that, it can defuse your anger a bit.
 
#55 ·
Maybe I'm in the minority here, but whitehawk, you really seem to be minimizing your own EA because of your anger with your wife moving on. Do I condone the fact that she also got involved with someone while you are still married? Absolutely not. At the same time, you don't seem to see that your affair is bad...as bad as her getting involved with someone else before getting separated. You think your fog has lifted, but really, I am not so sure. Again, this comes from how you minimize your involvement with K AND the fact that you said she still comes around. The fog doesn't go away as long as you are still in contact with the affair partner. I'm not telling you that you have to stop seeing her... IF you have no intention of trying to fight for your marriage. What I'm saying is that you need to acknowledge what your part was in the breakdown of your marriage. You need to acknowledge the fact that your wife didn't get along with this woman, voiced her concern to you, and you basically brushed her off. If you want to fight for the marriage, get K out of the picture.... NOW!

I know how it feels to be in your shoes. I did the same thing you did, with the exception of physical contact (meaning proximity). I never met my AP in person. My husband believed I wouldn't care who he was talking to nor how they spoke to each other. He thought we were too far gone. The difference? I acknowledged it to him and he acknowledged his (eventually) and we have been reconciling since. It's been almost a year since it all came out. When I first came here, I didn't think I had a right to be angry because I had done it too. But I realized I DID have that right, just as he did. But I don't minimize my EA nor does he minimize his. BOTH APs are out of our lives.

Regarding how it looks...her being out with the new guy already... how do you think it looked having K over all the time? How do you think it looked when your wife was in bed and you partied with K and anyone else who was over. Believe me, those friends you had over were able to see what was going on with K. You both cheated. Yours was just a longer affair than hers.
 
#63 ·
Thanks for that but no, l was minimizing it during those times- or l wasn't sure , and that's why l so needed to talk to you guys like this now. lt's taken me this very hard 4 mths and now what 8 or 10 hrs on here with you all , to realize just how serious what l'd done was .
The anger is where it belongs now and should have been l think, mostly on myself.
But not all we both weren't getting things and shoulda , coulda, woulda but , K was what did it and so painfully and for so long.
The OM l still say is wrong but , we were over. lt's still a cop out to me and are a lot of other things but who could blame her after what l put her through like that.

Mind you , l feel like a bit of a fool round here now because l've been on here 4 mths thinking and trying to get past the opposite , blaming , the whole deal
 
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